At the end of the song, Cheng Yan was still a little out of his mind. In the midst of the roar of people, he suddenly wondered what he looked like at the moment, and couldn't help turning his head to look at the big screen.

This smile caused a frenzy when he turned around.

The female singer also smiled and came over to do TALK together and asked Chengyan how she felt. The two were gags, and they talked about Christmas. Many of the people who came to the concert were couples. The female singer asked Cheng Yan what type of woman he liked.

Cheng Yan smiled, and after thinking for a moment, he omitted the word "woman": "the ideal type... understanding, with a cute personality, it would be better if she looked good." This is the first time he mentioned his love in public. Type, the following immediately excited crowd.

This is also the company's arrangement to let Cheng Yan create some ambiguity between men and women, which can be regarded as an indirect rejection of same-sex/love.

"But..." Cheng Yan said, "Do you think there is often a gap between ideals and reality in love?"

The female singer was a little bit unable to react. This topic should have been touched on, but Cheng Yan began to take advantage of the topic.

"Ah? Is it?" She could only say.

Cheng Yan nodded affirmatively: "Not everyone will fall in love with their ideal type, as accurate as being poured out of a mold." He turned to the audience and asked them: "Is your other half? Is it the original ideal type? ?"

There were bursts of laughter, and some girls had already screamed: "Cheng Yan! I love you!"

Cheng Yan waved to them and smiled, and then said very seriously: "If the other half is your ideal type, congratulations, this fate is too easy; if not, congratulations, a person is not your ideal type, But you still don't want to let him go, you must love him very much."

After saying this, he returned the stage to the protagonist.

Saying these words is not his usual style. In the past, he wanted to hide Xia Shaoqian in the basement, not wanting others to notice any details, but on this day he suddenly had the desire to talk. No matter how subtle, he wanted to say something.

It was late at night when he got home, and Cheng Yan was tired and confused. He went in and turned on the light and changed his shoes. He went straight to the refrigerator to find something to drink, and then went to turn on the water heater. After walking around, he suddenly heard "Cheng Yan".

It was Xia Shaoqian's voice.

Cheng Yan was so frightened that he almost jumped up: "...Oh!"

Xia Shaoqian sat on the sofa with a bouquet of flowers beside him, his face depressed. In his vision, Cheng Yan should have opened the door and saw himself as soon as he turned on the light. As a result, Cheng Yan didn't know if he was too tired or lost his attention, but he didn't notice.

It was only then that Cheng Yan remembered that he had given Xia Shaoqian the key. Xia Shaoqian was basically unable to come, so he forgot about it later.

"Our appointment is tomorrow."

Xia Shaoqian held up the flower: "This is a surprise."

The long-stemmed rose wrapped in kraft paper looks cute and innocent in the light.

Cheng Yan finally walked over. They hug.

"thanks."

"Sorry."

The two spoke at the same time.

A fallacy that had been accumulating for a long time was deftly corrected at this moment.

They didn't do it that night. Cheng Yan was too tired, Xia Shaoqian was not much better, and they had a lot to say slowly.

"Do you remember when we first met?" Cheng Yan asked in a low voice. They were lying on the bed, turning off the lights, and the silhouettes of each other were hazy in the darkness.

Xia Shaoqian was reluctant to mention this. Cheng Yan took his hand: "Trust me, I'm more embarrassed than you to mention this."

"Then you still mention it." Xia Shaoqian was not happy, he hugged Cheng Yan and kissed.

"Don't think about that, it's my fault..." Xia Shaoqian said.

Cheng Yan listened quietly, and finally said: "I wanted to be popular too much at that time. And I always felt that I was smarter and better at acting than those popular young people. Qualified. That's when you found me."

Xia Shaoqian hugged him.

"Xia Shaoqian... The first time you looked at me as if you were looking at an item or a commodity. Do you remember?"

Xia Shaoqian could not answer. He really decided to continue with him after he did it for the first time and felt that Cheng Yan was very much in line with him. He couldn't quite remember how it felt the first time he did it. If he cherishes it for the first time, he will not forget it...

Cheng Yan's back trembled uncontrollably, they pressed closer, Xia Shaoqian comforted him. Cheng Yan finally spoke again.

"I just wanted to maintain the relationship with you at that time..."

Xia Shaoqian smiled: "Until I forced me to say I love you?"

Cheng Yan asked back, "Are you satisfied at that time?"

"I don't know." After Xia Shaoqian quarreled with Cheng Yan that day, recalling the beginning, he vaguely felt Cheng Yan's reluctance.

"But now I'm really satisfied," he said.

"I know you because of vanity and selfishness, don't love me as the person you imagined." Cheng Yan was sure that he would only say this sentence once, and he finally said it.

Xia Shaoqian was silent and kissed Cheng Yan again and again, he didn't know what to say. He did fantasize about Chengyan being a perfect lover, but it's better now, much better than the exact but cold perfection he imagined.

They fell asleep while whispering and kissing.

The next day, the two went fishing in the suburbs, watched wild birds, and stopped by a private kitchen introduced by Zhu Feiqing. After the heavy snow in winter, the weather is clear and clear. Cheng Yan hadn't been so relaxed for a long time, and he looked at Xia Shaoqian in a while.

Xia Shaoqian also always looked at him.

Neither of them caught a few fish.

Go home and watch a movie next night. watched the literary film directed by Luo starring Cheng Yan. Cheng Yan has seen this movie twice, but it seems more interesting to watch it with Xia Shaoqian.

Xia Shaoqian didn't like literary films very much. At first, he was a little distracted, and from time to time he moved his hands and feet on Cheng Yan, and asked Cheng Yan to hold his hand in order to make him behave a little bit; but later on, he gradually took more seriously than Cheng Yan. They pulled the curtains, and when Cheng Yan occasionally looked at him, he found a gloomy and depressed expression on his face.

Although Cheng Yan was surprised, he didn't interrupt him, just held his hand.

The content of the film is not complicated. Cheng Yan plays an ordinary young man. It's just that he has studied the violin for many years, and was forced by his mother to practice the piano since he was a child. As he grew older, he became more and more disgusted with practicing the piano, but his mother insisted that the child was talented, but he became disgusted and suspicious of his mother from awe.

"I'm not a genius! It's impossible to be a genius! I just want to be an ordinary person! An ordinary person!"

Many years later, his mother suffered from depression. In order to comfort her mother, he took up the violin again.

This time, he wasn't pulling for any purpose, just for his only audience in the world.

At the end of the movie, there is a melodious and melodious sound of the piano in the simple dwelling. The warm sun in the autumn afternoon shines on the glass windows, and the camera slowly penetrates. The mother by the window suddenly raised her head slightly, her eyes suddenly brightened - she finally caught the sound from the outside world.

It was not until the end of the subtitle that Xia Shaoqian lowered his eyes. Cheng Yan did not open the curtains.

"What's wrong?"

Xia Shaoqian thought of his mother. Even with Qiu Yunnan, he never mentioned his entanglement with his mother. He was reluctant to say it, he thought he would never tell anyone else in his life.

"I told you...my mother is religious."

Before they knew it, the two of them changed their postures. Xia Shaoqian lay on his back in Cheng Yan's arms, Ren Chengyan wrapped his shoulders, and the two were close together, feeling at ease and comfortable.

"I remember," Cheng Yan said, "she seems to be quite strict?" He remembered that Xia Shaoqian had said that if he forgot to pray, he would be scolded. It may be difficult for such a mother to accept that her son is gay.

Sure enough, Xia Shaoqian said: "I was probably at the age of rebellion at that time... Now I think about it, I actually had that time."

"When you rebel?"

"Well. I actually told her directly and clearly that I like men. In fact, thinking about it now, even if she doesn't believe in religion, a normal mother probably wouldn't be able to accept that her son likes men..." Xia Shaoqian shook Chengyan's hand. The reason why he did not force Cheng Yan to come out to his family.

"...but I was so overwhelmed by her at the time that I enjoyed the euphoria when I spoke to her - shattering her order and beliefs. I knew then how exciting it was for her. , how cruel, still can't help it."

He paused, and Cheng Yan couldn't help but ask, "What happened later?"

Xia Shaoqian smiled bitterly: "She thought I was possessed by the devil. It was summer vacation, she locked me in the room for a month, beat me with a ruler every day, and only gave me a Bible... But I don't think it matters. , whether it’s confinement or corporal punishment, it’s not that I didn’t have it when I was a child, it’s just aggravating. I don’t think she has newer and more powerful means to deal with me. Drive me out of the house? I really couldn’t ask for it at that time.”

Cheng Yan couldn't say anything.

"But later," Xia Shaoqian made a strange sound in his throat, "she started to mutilate herself."

"She has a chronic disease of headaches - this is also inherited from me; probably because of my stimulation, she had headaches almost every day for a while, at first she took medicine and rested, but my attitude did not soften in the slightest, and she finally went crazy... One day I heard a muffled thud on the wall - she was hitting the wall. She was banging her head against the wall and my father hugged her and she screamed and beat... You never saw her in church How dignified and dignified she looks, really, all the relatives and friends who know her say she is dignified and has a temperament..."

Xia Shaoqian couldn't go on. Cheng Yan hugged him: "Xia Shaoqian... don't think about it, don't think about it!"

He turned on all the lights in the room, and in an instant all the darkness was dispelled, and the past was left behind. Xia Shaoqian's complexion gradually recovered, and Cheng Yan looked at him intently: "Is it better..."

Xia Shaoqian sat up slowly. He thought that digging up the past would tear the wounds that have been there for many years, but it is strange that after being sad and exhausted, there is a feeling of laziness and tranquility.

Cheng Yan was watching him worriedly, and that was enough.

"Are you going to pity me again?" Xia Shaoqian asked in a low voice.

Cheng Yan hesitated, he still remembered that slap.

Xia Shaoqian caressed his face: "I'm sorry... I just think it's good that someone can listen to me."

"I can't see the suffering of the people I like, and the suffering of the past is not enough." Cheng Yan finally said in a low voice.

Xia Shaoqian hugged him: "Cheng Yan..." He wanted to say that sentence, but he didn't want to say it as easily as in the past, he wanted to say it more solemnly.

"I know, and so do I."

Cheng Yan already understood.