Her eyes fell on the Weibo in the center of the screen, and she looked sideways to see Jingxiu's face sinking like water, his heart softened and soft.

She knew that Jingxiu was distressed and unhappy for her.

She stretched out her arms and put her right hand on Jingxiu's catkin. She slid the mouse with her hand and closed the Weibo page. "Axiu, you know what, I'm actually very happy to be on stage with you today." She put her chin on Jingxiu's shoulder.

Jingxiu suppressed the low air pressure, tilted her head slightly, rubbed the hair next to Ji Youyan's ear with her cheek, and answered her, "Why?"

"Because standing beside you like this today, standing at a place infinitely close to your height, I have dreamed for a long time." Ji Youyan's voice was low. She bit her lip, opened her mouth, and said frankly, "Axiu, there is something I never dared to tell you before. I felt that I was a particularly despicable person at that time."

Jingxiu was surprised that Ji Youyan used such serious words to himself. She frowned, turned around and stared at Ji Youyan, in her clear eyes, the reflection was full of Ji Youyan.

Ji Youyan slightly bent her lips, raised her hand and stroked Jingxiu's picturesque brows. Her voice carried an almost imperceptible loneliness, "I even felt for a while that such a dirty me is not worthy to enter your eyes, defile you, blaspheme you."

"Yanyan..." Jingxiu interrupted her in disapproval.

Ji Youyan tapped the tip of Jingxiu's nose with the tip of her nose, stopped her words and said, "Axiu, let me finish."

Jingxiu's throat moved, and he lowered his long eyelashes in acquiescence.

"Do you remember, when you first took on a film, I didn't have a job and was always by your side. During the premiere promotion meeting, I wanted to witness all your firsts, and I also followed. On the stage, I was among the fans under the stage. I watched you talk freely with other seniors on the stage, and listened to the fans surrounding you enthusiastically. you are happy."

"I remember." Jingxiu replied softly.

At that time, they had just finished the game. Almost everyone had an instinctive prejudice against the traffic of the draft, and the public's definition of her was generally a vase. As a result, as soon as she debuted, she took over the big production of a famous director, which made others jealous. Since the official announcement, the voices of ridicule and abuse of her have not stopped. She always felt that she was a person with good psychological quality and strong ability to withstand pressure, but at that time, she gradually understood the taste of insomnia. She gritted her teeth and tried her best to play this role well. She joined the group two months in advance, woke up early and late at night, and followed the martial arts to train and fight.

It was the hardest day in her 21-year life at that time, and it was also the happiest day, because she was accompanied by Ji Youyan who understood her - asking for warmth and relying on each other. So much so that when she and Ji Youyan drifted away from each other for many years, she even thought that she would be happy to return to that time if she gave up everything.

But Ji Youyan said, "But there seemed to be such an inadvertent moment at the time, I seemed to be isolated from the hustle and bustle. I was a little terrified, and felt that you on the stage seemed a little far away from me. Sitting under the stage was ordinary and worthless. What's the difference between me and the fans around me who look up to you but can't reach you, or maybe there will be no difference one day?"

"It seems that from that moment on, my desire for success has become urgent. I am afraid of being left behind by you, and I eagerly want to catch up with you and stand by your side." Her tone was a little distant. , but very calm, like an outsider looking at the past objectively, "Although I don't want to admit it, people are really different. No matter how hard I try, I can't catch up with you. So Fear and unwillingness tormented me every day, but there was nothing I could do, I could only stand in the same place and watch you fly higher and farther away from me."

In the first twenty years of her life, she was smooth sailing, shining brightly, and playing a role that was noticed by others. But after entering the entertainment industry, she slowly realized how small, even, how mediocre she was. In order to make her obedient, Wang Junchan implemented a psychological suppression strategy on her, deliberately attacking her self-confidence again and again, erasing her recognition of herself, forcing her to admit a little bit, she couldn't, she couldn't, she had to follow her way. Plan to go before you can get ahead - without traffic, she is nothing.

"Until one day, I was standing in front of the computer, and when I saw you stand on the high stage again in the live broadcast and won the grand prize, I suddenly realized that I couldn't be completely and sincerely happy for you. I even had a flash of thought, if If you succeed a little slower, if... if you could wait a little longer for me." Her calm voice fluctuated slightly, and it was stained with pain that made Jingxiu feel distressed.

Jingxiu's throat tightened. In her life, except for love, she has never tried the taste of failure, so when she was young, she never considered Ji Yuyan's suffering from this perspective. She was initially indulged in Ji Youyan's considerate tenderness, and later, entangled in Ji Youyan's detached attitude. It's not her fault that she walked too fast, but as a lover, she didn't notice Ji Yuyan's emotions and didn't give Ji Yuyan enough sense of security, and she was responsible.

Her heart was sour, she pressed her forehead against Ji Yuyan's forehead, and said apologetically, "I'm sorry, I... I didn't notice."

Ji You kissed her against her forehead and shook her head, "It's not your fault, it's because I hid it too well to let you find out."

"It was at the moment when I regained my senses that I suddenly felt so terrible. I actually knew that I became eager for quick success, but I don't know when I had changed beyond recognition. Even the one who loved me deeply. I also have feelings of jealousy and unwillingness for people's achievements. I feel like a dark monster. I even spurn and accept myself, how dare I let you find out, how dare I ask you to accept it? "

She hates herself like that, but her emotions are out of control, she has become like that. Afraid of losing Jingxiu, she could only continue to disguise and pursue utility, but the more she pretended and pursued, the more she seemed to push Jingxiu farther and farther. In a vicious circle, she was like a trapped beast stuck in a swamp, unable to struggle, she could only watch herself suffocated and suffocated a little bit.