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(withered.)
Mother Jiang pulled away the white cloth in disbelief until she could see her son's face clearly.
She dragged Fu Shize with a hoarse voice: "You didn't tell me that he was fine, you didn't say that you saw him take the medicine."
Fu Dongsheng and Chen Jinping pulled Fu Shize behind them and tried their best to comfort her.
Fu Shi lowered his head, what happened all night was like a stone hammer hitting him, his bones seemed to be smashed, and his body seemed to fall down when blown.
Mother Jiang fell to the ground and cried.
Fu Shi looked at them and murmured, "I'm sorry..."
Fu Dongsheng saw that the other side was agitated, and quickly pulled Fu Shize outside. He sighed, and there was a slight echo in the damp corridor. He comforted in a deep voice, "Aze, it's not your fault, Jiang Yuan is a good boy, and everyone's abilities are limited."
"He has worked hard, and you have worked hard."
Fu Shi opened his eyes, his eyelashes trembled, but there was no response.
Hearing the cry, Fu Dongsheng covered Fu Shize's ears.
He heard the pain of Jiang Yuan's parents beating the ground, hitting him with a sound.
Fu Dongsheng stayed in the hospital to accompany Jiang Yuan's parents to take care of the funeral.
Feeling that Fu Shize was in a wrong state, Chen Jinping half-pulled and dragged him out of the hospital. The moment he went out, the morning sun pierced his eyes.
The rain stopped.
Chen Jinping pushed him to the passenger seat, and after getting into the car, she held Fu Shize's hand tightly.
He hunched over silently, his father's voluminous coat draped over him, his rain-drenched hair messy.
Then, a drop of tears fell on the back of her hand.
The police also found an old notebook spread out on Jiang Yuan's bedroom desktop.
The first dozens of pages are written about his research ideas from the undergraduate level. The initial handwriting is neat and neat, and there are occasional doodles when he is distracted.
Later handwriting became more and more confusing.
As if flipping to a blank space at random, Jiang Yuan wrote his last diary entry.
It was completely different from Fu Shize's memory.
Jiang Yuan's long diary recorded his own mental journey during this period.
...
I have been having a bad time recently. I always felt that my ability was unquestionable, and my excellence would not be opened up by others. Studying for a Ph.D. made me realize my true level. I looked at the rubbish topics I did every day, and was pulled by my boss to do it horizontally every day, which took up most of my time. Every day, I was struggling on the edge of graduation. Some time ago, I finally had a paper that I was going to submit, but Che Wu took it to my senior brother, saying that my senior brother wanted to stay as a postdoc and needed an article. But that's my article. I agreed and put forward the requirement of graduating on time. Che Wu said that I was a cheap labor force, and I would work for him at least one year after graduation. After a fight with him, Che Wu said that my temperament was unstable and that he would report to the school and ask me to drop out. I never imagined that the expo was such a failure, when I came to this institute with enthusiasm and planned to do research, but the truth is that I was helping Che Wu make money every day and every night.
Having dinner with Aze, I heard that he will sponsor him 1 million if he takes the Nova Program. He asked me how I was doing recently, and I couldn't explain it, feeling useless. Obviously, when we first arrived at Western University of Science and Technology, we were all about the same. When I went downstairs, I saw news and posters full of Aze, and the group was also forwarding his latest award information. Why is the gap with Aze getting bigger and bigger, he is still the same as when he first came to Western University, but I was almost overwhelmed. Obviously I don't want to compare with him, but I really envy him.
I remember that every time I had dinner, my relatives would ask me how I was doing in my studies, would tell my younger siblings that I would study with my doctoral brother who is studying in the best school in the country, and would compliment me that I would earn millions every year in the future. .
But I can't even graduate. If it's Ah Ze, even if he has depression, he can do all kinds of things, and he won't quarrel with my mentor over an article like me. But I can't, I don't have the ability.
I don't want to think like that, but when I saw him, I really felt pain in my heart, and many times I really hoped that he wouldn't come to me again. I might be better off than him. I was so useless, I didn't have the courage to admit my incompetence. Azer gave me the article, and to him, I should be a complete trouble, right? If he doesn't help me, I should have done nothing, right? He watched me take medicine every day, did he also think that I was useless, that I was depressed and anxious because of this little thing, obviously he admired me very much when he was a child, I don't want Aze to look down on me.
I felt so noisy in my ears that I was about to collapse, and everyone was saying I was incompetent.
I hate being so powerless.
I hate my parents worrying over and over again because of my illness.
If only I wasn't there.
...
For Fu Shize, there was almost no discord in his memories. Even when Jiang Yuan was the most ill, he felt that everything was developing for the better.
He always thought that he could see Jiang Yuan getting better.
He did not expect that much of the pain Jiang Yuan suffered came from him.
At the police station, Mother Jiang picked up the notebook and threw it on Fu Shize's body. She pushed him and slapped him desperately with her hands. He stayed where he was, like a kite with a broken string, letting her push and shove.
"You said you would watch Jiang Yuan take medicine."
"You told me that Jiang Yuan is fine."
"It's okay if you succeed yourself. You know he's sick, why don't you take care of his emotions."
After being pulled away by her husband, she collapsed and buried her face in the notebook and cried bitterly: "It's all because of you. If I knew it would be like this, I shouldn't have let you guys play together..."
Fu Shi was pushed to the corner, his hair covered his eyebrows, and his face was covered with red marks from the slap.
He hung his head lifelessly, except for the hysteria of Mother Jiang, there was only his faint voice in the room.
"Sorry……"
The rain washed the pavement clean as if it had never happened. Messages were quickly blocked and only appeared on school forums for a few minutes. Fu Shi went to Jiang Yuan's laboratory and took the drone, which was their first entry.
Jiang Yuan's parents refused to let Fu Shize pack Jiang Yuan's luggage or help with the funeral, and bluntly told him not to show up.
The funeral was held in Nanwu. In spring, the temperature was still below zero, and the rain turned into silver needle-like hail, smashing the ground. Fu Shi was wearing a black raincoat. He didn't want Jiang Yuan's parents to be stimulated. He wore a hat and mask and looked at the corner from a distance.
During the burial, Fu Shi took off his hat.
He would often dream of staying with Jiang Yuan. The two grew up together, copying each other's homework in the classroom, rushing to the stadium to occupy the field after school, and going to the small shop to buy snacks after dinner. When he was young, he was not bullied.
The man he called his brother when he was a child ended up lying on the concrete floor, still shaking.
Fu Shize's mood changed significantly. He was puzzled at first, and he gave Jiang Yuan the article, just like Jiang Yuan bought him milk tea.
He didn't know that his actions would backfire and cause enormous pressure to the other party.
Then, all the attached emotions vanished, leaving only the endless guilt that drowned him day and night. If he had checked whether Jiang Yuan had swallowed the medicine, if he had been sensitively aware of Jiang Yuan's abnormality, if he had not pursued his own excellence recklessly, if he did not fix the robot that night, but stayed with Jiang Yuan .
Even if, he did not appear in each other's life.
It's all his fault.
Jiang Yuan took this path because of him.
He promised to watch him take his medicine.
If only he had discovered all this sooner.
Jiang Yuan will not die.
He became taciturn, unwilling to contact others, afraid of the next Jiang Yuan.
His insomnia was getting worse and he couldn't stay asleep in the early hours. It seems that as long as he is awake, he can knock on Jiang Yuan's door as always, and what happened back then will not happen.
The scene that often appeared in his mind, the bang also caused him nightmares.
Jiang Yuan's parents never wanted to see him again.
He became a sinner, a sinner that Jiang Yuan's parents thought, and a sinner that he himself thought.
Maybe to make up for the guilt in my heart. He collected evidence of Che Wu's years of oppression of students and scientific research fraud, wrote Chinese and English versions, and directly sent them to mainstream media at home and abroad, the president's mailbox, the domestic academic ethics association, etc.
Che Wu was punished.
What about him?
What kind of punishment should he be a sinner?
The school arranged psychotherapy for students who witnessed the scene.
Fu Dongsheng hired an authoritative psychiatrist for Fu Shize, but Fu Shi didn't cooperate and only promised Fu Dongsheng to live with them.
With the persuasion of his grandmother and his parents, he returned to school.
Every corner is a clue to this memory. His concentration was completely unfocused, experiments, codes, and articles made frequent mistakes, and his sleep and diet became extremely irregular.
He hated such a bad self, and felt that he had failed the expectations of the elders' training mentors, but he could not face everything that had happened in that building, nor could he face the inner contradictions and guilt.
He had the idea of dropping out and told his mentor about it one evening.
"Fu Shi, you're crazy." Shi Xiangzhe was walking with him on the campus and almost kicked over the trash can next to him. The professor he had known for many years had gray hair and was flushed with anger: "I trained him. For so many years, what happened to Jiang Yuan has nothing to do with you, and the school has also punished Professor Che, so don't even think about dropping out."
Shi Xiangzhe believes that he has an infinite future and a splendid future.
Fu Shi raised his head and glanced at the crescent moon, his thoughts were scattered.
He had all kinds of ambitions, and he also wanted to be proud forever, disregarding the world, but, apart from what the outside world thought was outstanding and unique, he was just a mediocre and vulnerable person.
He couldn't overcome the obstacles and walk the clear road as others expected. The guilt has weighed on him so much that he can't live a normal life.
Fu Shi said nothing. Shi Xiangzhe looked at him for a long time, but sighed heavily: "Then take a break and come back when you are ready." He dropped out of school.
Before returning to Nanwu, he walked to Jiang Yuan's work station, and the items had been cleaned up. He saw a shredded photo on the table, of the team in Unique's first win.
Walking out of the office, the end of the corridor is endless darkness.
In a trance, he heard the sound of a drone coming from his ear.
It's like going back to that summer.
Full of blooming flowers, the teenagers cheered and ran forward with a smile.
And he-
In that piece of fresh flowers, withered silently.
After returning to Nanwu, Fu Shi spent most of the time in Jiangnanyuan.
He wanted to spend the last time with the old man. Later, when his grandmother was admitted to the hospital, Fu Dongsheng and Chen Jinping arranged for him to go to work at EAW in order to reconnect him with the society.
Fu Shi was very cooperative, but he often smoked and drank on the balcony in the early morning when he was insomnia.
Later, when he returned to Western University, he suppressed the pain in his heart, and he forced himself not to think about Jiang Yuan. As if he had broken his vulnerability, as others thought.
He also mistakenly thought that he had walked out of the shadow of the year.
Jiang Yuan's birthday is coming.
This reminded him once again that the guilt towards Jiang Yuan and Jiang Yuan's parents was an obstacle that he still couldn't get around when he regained his strength and returned to a normal life.
"Zhou Tuo came to me many times after knowing about Jiang Yuan's affairs. But I can't face it very well." Fu Shi was reluctant for anyone to comfort him about Jiang Yuan's affairs, even if it was a former friend.
"Many people persuaded me to go out." Fu Shi lowered his head, the look in his dark eyes disappeared, "I can't blame myself, that's my brother."
"There are many times I want to tell you about this." He habitually kept his tone steady and concealed all his emotions: "But this kind of conversation will make the picture at that time appear in my mind repeatedly."
"Lili, can you not blame me?" Fu Shize said with some involuntary astringency: "There are many things that I don't want to recall."
Twilight was deep, and his facial features could not be clearly seen. Even in this case, Fu Shi's first consideration was to hope that Yunli would not feel that he had concealed something and was therefore sad.
After listening to the whole thing, Yunli looked at his slightly bent shoulders, with hurt and helplessness, and for a while he didn't know what to say.
She shook her head: "I didn't blame you."
As a bystander, Yun Li knew very well that what happened to Jiang Yuan was not Fu Shize's fault, he had already done everything within his power.
"You've seen him." Fu Shi suddenly said.
Yun Li was stunned for a moment: "When?"
"I was sitting in the auditorium next to me, and Jiang Yuan gave you that football."
"..."
Yunli thought of the person she met at that time. Against the background of this memory, she felt sad and shocked by the death of the other person. She was silent for a long time before she said, "You did a good job at that time. That brother, he worked hard, and you worked hard too."
"I don't know how to say it, I didn't want to persuade you to forget about it." Yunli remembered that when Yunye had pancreatitis, her whole body almost collapsed, her lips were dry, and she continued: "If Yunye has the same things, I would rather use my own life for him, I will blame myself, and I may never forget it."
"When a loved one has an accident, most people will blame themselves and feel that they are not doing well enough. But..." Yunli thought of Jiang Yuan, his nose was a little sore: "My relatives will hope that we have a good life, and he should hope so too. ."
She remembered the pair of canvas shoes on the red runway, and further up——
She no longer remembered the other's facial features, but only remembered that afternoon, the other's smile was warmer than the sunlight.
"You told me that you have known each other for nearly twenty years. In the past, he was a very kind and gentle person. Even if he suffered a lot of pain himself, he would hope you live a good life with such a gentle and kind person. Yes, he will hope you don't blame yourself so much."
Yunli didn't think that Jiang Yuan really blamed Fu Shize, or hoped that Fu Shize never appeared. She was more inclined to think that in the final stage, Jiang Yuan was sick.
Fu Shi didn't answer.
Yunli looked at him. From the first time they met, his stature was extremely thin and thin, and he could only support his clothes with his skeleton. She felt that he had a lot of things hidden in his heart, which also made him lose his former glory. .
Yunli pondered for a moment and asked, "Is there anything I can do?"
She didn't want to pursue the comfort of a long speech, she just hoped that he would not be so sad within the limits of her ability.
Fu Shi closed his eyes and opened them again. He looked forward with a little tiredness, and the hand he held Yun Li was a little cold.
"Stay by my side."
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