Chapter 70: Part Three: I want you alive, with eyes open, to love me.

Lou Dongcang: "I said go..."

He Guan, too tired and closing his eyes, longing for sleep, lazily retorted, "Try it. If you can push me away, I'll leave."

Lou Dongcang: "..."

Beneath this umbrella, at least they resembled their former selves, able to converse like two human beings.

He Guan reached out to touch Lou Dongcang's hand.

The little warmth generated by He Guan's run earlier had completely dissipated in the torrential rain. His hands felt cold, almost indistinguishable from the rain itself. Yet, when he touched Lou Dongcang, he was taken aback.

Lou Dongcang's body temperature felt like damp cement.

He felt He Guan's touch.

With his eyes closed, Lou Dongcang said in annoyance, "He Guan, can you just leave me be?"

He Guan teased him, "Wanting to give up on life? I'm not stopping you. It's you who won't get up."

Lou Dongcang: "..."

He Guan: "Want to curse at me? Don't hold back. If you're feeling this way now, I'll let it slide. You can pay me back later."

Lou Dongcang: "..."

He rarely spoke, but managed two words: "I don't."

Lou Dong propped himself up slightly and said, "He Gu."

As he sat up, He Gu naturally moved away from leaning on his shoulder, slightly lifting his head, querying, "Speak up. If you can't handle something, we'll face it together. Don't give me the silent treatment. What do you take me for?"

However, upon seeing the look in Lou Dong's eyes, he realized...

Today seemed even more troubling than usual.

Up until now, Lou Dong had only had two episodes: one in the bathroom and the current one.

During that incident in the bathroom, Lou Dong was visibly in terrible shape, seemingly having lost all inner motivation.

But now, as He Gu watched him muster the strength to sit up, Lou Dong seemed utterly lifeless.

Like an empty shell.

He Gu furrowed his brows, raising the umbrella higher in anticipation of Lou Dong's next words.

Lou Dong whispered, "...I thought I could see."

He Gu responded with a puzzled, "?"

Lou Dong elaborated, "Earlier today... I saw a hint of something. I saw the color of flowers."

He Gu inquired, "When was this?"

Lou Dong, evading his question, murmured, "Just a fleeting glimpse..."

He tried to recall the moment, but it seemed to have already slipped from his memory. With a pained expression, he lamented, "I can't remember... I can't see..."

He Gu reassured him, "What do you mean you can't see? You said you caught a glimpse, right? Don't panic. You even recognized the flowers..."

Lou Dong interrupted, "That's not it!... No..."

He raised his voice suddenly, only to realize he was speaking to He Gu, then halted, his facial expression a turmoil of emotions, unsure of how to proceed.

Having never seen him like this, He Gu deduced the possible cause, "Did you see her today?"

Lou Dong asserted, "I did not!"

His brisk and curt reply reaffirmed He Gu's suspicion.

He Gu pressed, "Who is she?"

Lou Dong murmured painfully, "It's not right..."

The rain began to subside, the sound of droplets on the umbrella becoming fainter.

He Gu probed further, "Shouldn't she be here?"

Lou Dong remained silent.

He Gu crouched beside him.

It took Lou Dong a while before he called out, "He Gu."

He Gu picked off an earthworm that had crawled onto Lou Dong's pant leg, and asked, "Yes?"

Lou Dong whispered, "Leave me..."

He Gu firmly responded, "No."

Lou Dong murmured, "I shouldn't... shouldn't exist..."

He Gu retorted, "Keep going in circles if you want. Let's see how many loops you can make today."

He pulled out his phone, activated the recording function, and said, "I'll record all the nonsense you're spouting now and play it back for you tomorrow. Go on, keep talking. Later, I might just show others how my wife pesters me on a regular day."

Lou Dong's murmuring gradually faded, as if waking from a deep dream. He seemed disoriented for a moment and gazed at He Gu.

But when He Gu stepped back, Lou Dong's pupils didn't naturally follow him.

He still couldn't see.

As if he had been jolted awake from a dream, he began to falter, showing signs of his episode.

He Gu inquired, "What's wrong? Anything else you want to say? I..."

He Gu had only managed those few words before being abruptly pulled into an embrace by Lou Dong, who had been leaning against the wall.

The sudden embrace made He Gu lose his balance, submerging his upper body in the water. He quickly righted himself, gripping the umbrella, ensuring he wasn't pushed entirely underwater.

Lou Dong's voice was hoarse as he asked, "Why are you here?"

He Gu chuckled, "Bad timing. I've been here from the start, and my dear wife chatted with me for five minutes without realizing I was right here."

Lou Dong repeated, "He Gu... He Gu... He Gu..."

His embrace tightened, holding He Gu firmly against him.

The zipper of the leather jacket left a red mark on his collarbone. He Gu noticed and felt nothing but sadness.

Now, He Gu could only divert Lou Dong's thoughts with a few words, though with limited success. He wasn't sure when Lou Dong would return to his usual self.

During the previous episode, He Gu had just arrived at Dong's residence, merely wanting to gain his trust and find a place of refuge.

This time, He Gu genuinely cared for him, so he felt nothing but heartache.

What had transpired for him to speak so disjointedly, behaving like someone entirely disconnected from reality?

He Gu's emotions felt like a roller coaster ride—always on edge, afraid of not handling the situation properly with the man in front of him.

Lou Dongzang murmured He Guan's name amidst his confusion, holding him so tightly as if wanting to merge with him.

There was clearly no rain beneath this umbrella.

Yet, moisture graced the side of He Guan's face.

Another's tears, as soft as a small animal's tongue, landed gently on He Guan's cheek, trailing down following its curvature.

He Guan heard him whisper in confusion, "Are you He Guan?"

He Guan released the umbrella.

Without the umbrella's shield, they were once again exposed to the downpour, their clothes, which had just started to feel dry, becoming drenched anew.

They were like two fish struggling to survive, stranded in this heavy rain.

For several seconds, He Guan couldn’t locate his own tongue.

Lou Dongzang persisted in asking, "Are you He Guan? Are you?"

He Guan opened his mouth, his voice barely audible amidst the rainstorm, "…What if I said I wasn't?"

If I were to say I'm not the person I used to be, what would you think?

Lou Dongzang: "If you're not He Guan... then I... don't need to hold on any longer..."

He Guan: "What?"

Lou Dongzang's plea was almost begging.

"Then I wouldn’t have to be so afraid anymore."

"I wish he's with me all the time, that I am the only one in his eyes. Knowing there are many around him makes my heart feel like a sponge soaked in ink; when pressed, it's all black..."

"I'm so abnormal..."

"I want to snap him, tear him apart, swallow him whole. This way, we wouldn’t need to care about anything and would be together forever..."

"I didn't understand before... but now I do... Please, let me die before I completely lose my sanity... I beg you... let me go..."

But while he said "let me go," he held He Guan even tighter.

He indeed was saying "let me go."

But also saying "save me."

"I don't want to become... like him..."

He Guan: "Like who? What are you talking about? What's wrong with you? Don't you love me? Don't you like me?"

Lou Dongzang released him: "I... I don’t want to go mad... He Guan... spare me..."

He stood up, out in the rain.

Like a drifting ghost.

He Guan rose with him, "What are you even saying, Lou Dongzang? Even if you've had such thoughts, what's a few words? Even if you said you wanted me, I’d take it as a joke. You..."

Lou Dongzang pushed him away abruptly.

He took a few aimless steps forward but was stopped by He Guan, who now wore a deeply furrowed brow, trying to shake him off.

He Guan exclaimed, "I am He Guan! I really am! I lied earlier! Turn around! Look at me!"

It was then that Lou Dongzang seemed to snap back to reality, turning to look at him.

He Guan stared into his lifeless eyes, a lump forming in his throat, choking him, but he prioritized comforting him.

For the first time, he felt this profound helplessness.

Lou Dongzang was right in front of him, yet his words and actions had no effect on him.

Don't you like me?

Don't you love me?

Even with such affection, you don't heed a single word I say!

He Guan, both frustrated and distressed, exclaimed, "Lou Dongzang, where are you going? Why is it that every time you have an episode, the only thought is to end it? Why don't you seek me out for a hug when you're fine?"

Lou Dongzang gently rebuffed him, "... No."

He Guan, defeated, asked, "Why?"

Lou Dongzang: "You wouldn’t understand."

He Guan: "What are you mumbling about? Can you clarify?"

With eyes closed tight, Lou Dongzang seemed lucid for a brief moment, struggling as he said, "The 'embrace' I spoke of... isn't the same as what you’re thinking..."

He Guan: "Then explain. What do you mean?"

Lou Dongzang: "I don’t want to ruin you... He Guan, you would surely despise it..."

He Guan looked utterly puzzled.

But seeing that Lou Dongzang was finally engaging, he didn’t want the conversation to break. Pressing on, he asked, "How would you 'ruin' me?"

Lou Dongzang once again fell silent, refusing to communicate, his thoughts reverting, "You’re not He Guan, just leave..."

And so, he attempted to pull away, readying himself to move forward.

He wasn't even sure which direction to move towards, but he had to get away from him...

Away from He Guan, farther away...

He Guan can't, he must not die...

Then it should be him...

Seeing his attempts at persuasion fruitless, He Guan grasped his collar, eyes ablaze with anger, "Were all your words just hot air? What did you promise me back then?"

Lou Dongzang was forcefully held down by him, gripping He Guan's wrist tightly, trying to resist.

He Guan's wrist felt as if it had been crushed.

He had never been treated so roughly by Lou Dongzang before. Now, his indignation and hurt felt like they would burst from his chest, but he steadfastly refused to let go.

He Guan couldn't quite pin down his feelings, but he had this foreboding.

If he let go now, Lou Dongzang would be done for, and so would their bond.

"Lou Dongzang, you confessed to me first, you pursued me first. And now you want to just give up and die, thinking I'm an impostor? Did you even ask for my consent?!"

"From the very beginning, it was me you saw! The damn fool who said he liked you!"

"Now you want to make me suffer a loss? I've fallen for you and you wish to die?"

Lou Dongzang's face turned pale, silent.

He didn't wish to awaken from his own thoughts. The fact that He Guan's words hadn't snapped him out of it showcased the depth of his fixation and scar.

That scar must be buried deep within his heart, something he had affirmed over the years, related to his blindness.

"I damn well know what's going on in your head," He Guan sneered, "Lou Dongzang, you've set standards for judging me deep inside, haven't you?"

"Last time you said 'two', it took me a while to understand. So what's it this time? Three or one?"

He Guan clutched his throat, squeezing tighter and tighter.

The part of Lou Dongzang's pale neck that he grasped turned an alarming shade of red, spreading rapidly.

It was the only color on his entire body.

"I don't care about your damn numbers."

He Guan's eyes were bloodshot, voice trembling.

"I want you alive, with eyes wide open, loving me."

"Lou Dongzang, do you get it?"

"Please, stop this madness... I beg you..."

The relentless downpour muffled their trembling final words.

Lou Dongzang meticulously pried each of He Guan's fingers away.