chapter eight

Xia Tingwan had lingering fears, and a cold sweat broke out on her back. After a few seconds, her hand trembled over Su Yan's hand and held it.

It was a familiar and reassuring touch, and he couldn't help rubbing Su Yan's ring finger subconsciously and reluctantly.

The place that used to be the emerald ring is now empty, but when you touch it like this, you can still feel the traces left by the ring that has been worn for five years on the ring finger-like flames burning on the skin, leaving a wasteland.

Su Yan's hand froze for a moment, he quickly let go of Xia Tingwan and took a step back, his face hidden in the shadow of the porch: "Go back."

Xia Tingwan stood there, watching Su Yan turn around like this.

The driver held an umbrella for Su Yan and bowed to open the car door. At the moment when Su Yan wanted to sit in, Xia Tingwan suddenly walked around the front of the car in the rain, ran quickly to the driveway and grabbed Su Yan. arm.

The torrential rain slammed on his body and face, but the clothes on his body were wet in an instant. Xia Ting looked at Su Yan in embarrassment, because the raindrops were pouring down violently, and he could hardly open his eyes.

Su Yan's driver was obviously taken aback, but he responded quickly, and immediately tilted the umbrella over for Xia Tingwan to block the heavy rain.

Su Yan was already sitting in the car at this time, stuck his head out to look at Xia Tingwan, and there was a hint of confusion in his eyes.

"Su Yan, can I, can I go down the mountain in your car?"

Xia Tingwan shivered in the cold rain. He actually didn't know why he was holding Su Yan.

He is just so stupid, and sometimes he will do things that he can't explain clearly. He just doesn't want Su Yan to leave, so he does it.

"The winding mountain road here is steeper than Xiangshan Mountain, and the road is narrow. It rained heavily tonight. Zhao Nanshu's car is thin, and I'm afraid if it slips."

What Xia Tingwan said is not entirely made up, and his reasons are seven or eight points true.

After the car accident, he dared not take the car for almost a month. Even ordinary starting and braking would cause him strong discomfort and resistance.

But Su Yan's Maybach S600 has bulletproof design, suspension and brakes

system

All of them are the most sophisticated, with a thick and heavy body, coupled with a sophisticated driver, smooth and comfortable driving, giving people a sense of security like a mobile fortress, and it is the only car he can ride with confidence.

Su Yan was afraid that he would be uncomfortable when he traveled, so he left the Maybach and the driver with him.

Although it has been six months since the accident, Zhao Nanshu would not put too much burden on him as long as he was careful when driving.

But it is raining heavily today, and have to go down the mountain again. If Xia Ting waits late, if he takes Zhao Nanshu's car, it will indeed be very tormented.

Su Yan watched Xia Tingwan stay silent for four or five seconds. When Xia Tingwan saw his hesitation, she couldn't help but leaned down and brought her slightly trembling body close to Su Yan, and called out again softly, "Sir— —"

Su Yan's eyes suddenly sank in the rainy night. He turned his head and whispered, "Get in the car."

After listening, the driver didn't say much. He just took Xia Tingwan to the other side of the car with an umbrella, and asked Xia Tingwan to get in the car after opening the door.

Su Yan's car carried a familiar faint cold fragrance. As soon as the door was closed, the crackling rain could not be heard at all. The driver also started the Maybach and drove steadily in the heavy rain.

Xia Tingwan lowered her head and sent a message to Zhao Nanshu, asking Zhao Nanshu to drive slowly and follow behind.

Su Yan turned to look at the rain outside the window, and did not speak to Xia Tingwan, as if she was really just taking Xia Tingwan for a ride.

The suddenly quiet atmosphere made Xia Tingwan feel a little hot on her face. In the cramped car, such silence made people restless.

He really didn't understand what he was doing, and he still unconsciously wanted to act like a spoiled brat with Su Yan, but in a situation where they had parted ways, it was indeed shameful and pathetic for him to be like this.

"Su Yan, I'm sorry for what happened today." After a long time, Xia Tingwan finally squeezed out a sentence: "My mother she..."

"It's nothing, I don't care." Su Yan didn't seem to want to talk much. He didn't even give Xia Tingwan a chance to continue explaining, so she said directly.

Xia Tingwan paused a little embarrassedly. Su Yan looked out of the car window and looked a little cold. He felt that even if he was sitting in the car, there seemed to be a layer of alienation between him and Su Yan. the diaphragm.

The wet clothes cling to the body disgustingly, like a wet and heavy armor.

Xia Ting shivered late, and suddenly said, "I saw the news about you and Wen Zichen in the newspaper a few days ago."

Seeing that Su Yan didn't answer, he continued on his own: "It was written in the newspaper that you and Wen Zichen went to eat Ginza's Japanese food together, and then went to see the black box drama, you are... very close, Wen Zichen should It's your new love."

Su Yan turned his head to look at Xia Tingwan, his eyes were cold: "I have already said, if you suspect that I am cheating in marriage, go and sue me."

Xia Tingwan also stared at Su Yan, he knew that Su Yan was unhappy, but he couldn't stop there: "I believe everything you say, you know, I'm different from my mother, and I don't care about marriage. Cheating. I just want to know, are you and Wen Zichen...are you together now?"

He still asked.

He tossed and turned about the question 10,000 times, and even if he knew the answer would make him miserable, he still asked it.

He really doesn't care about cheating in marriage. If you look at their last few months, their marriage is already in vain.

If Su Yan loved him, there would be no one else.

Marriage is the framework, and love is the essence. For him, cheating is just a narrow synonym for "not love".

"What do you mean by being together?"

Su Yan asked: "The kind of going to bed together, or the kind of marriage?"

Xia Ting was at a loss for words, and he didn't know how to answer.

But it seems that Su Yan didn't intend to wait for his answer at first, the corner of his mouth curled up coldly, and said calmly: "After the divorce—I had sex with Wen Zichen, is this the answer you want?"

The moment he heard the answer, Xia Tingwan suddenly felt very empty, as if he had fallen into a void where there was nothing.

He wanted to get busy, smoke a cigarette, or bite his nails, as if to relieve the overwhelm at the moment.

"I have no idea……"

Xia Tingwan heard her dazed voice and replied like this.

——

He didn't know what the answer he wanted, and he didn't dare to think about it any longer.

Xia Ting lowered his head late, watching his fingers twisted together white because of too much force, but they were still numb.

Perhaps it was because the pain was so sharp that I had to deceive myself and blunt my senses.

He wanted to pay some attention to the sound of the rain outside the car, but the perfect sound insulation of the Maybach made even this diversionary attempt useless.

"Any cigarettes?"

At this moment, Su Yan suddenly said.

Xia Tingwan thought for a while that she heard it wrong, Su Yan basically does not smoke, and people are clean and tidy, so even Xia Tingwan never dared to smoke in Su Yan's Maybach.

Although Xia Tingwan was stunned, she obediently took out a cigarette case, took one, and handed it to Su Yan.

Su Yan put the cigarette in his mouth, and then swept Xia Tingwan lightly with those eyes.

This time, Xia Tingwan immediately understood what Su Yan meant, lowered her head and lit the fire in silence.

When Su Yan approached to light a cigarette, they were very close.

Xia Tingwan smelled the cologne from Su Yan, and the familiar body temperature and breath made him tremble like an electric shock.

But that kind of contact was fleeting, and the moment Su Yan was about to sit back in his seat, Xia Tingwan suddenly felt a sharp pain that would crush him all at once.

"Su Yan..."

He suddenly hugged Su Yan tightly. He was so hard that he could almost hear the painful voice when his chest was being pressed: "You don't want to be with others, I don't want to, I don't want to."

He was never someone who could afford to leave.

When making love, he is not too afraid of the pain when he enters, but he is afraid of the emptiness when Su Yan withdraws.

Even if they hugged him warmly and Su Yan kissed him over and over again, he would still feel so lonely at that moment, so he couldn't help biting Su Yan's chin, neck or fingers, leaving a little bit of his own fresh tooth marks, like The little beast can only relieve it by branding the bite of its beloved prey.

Su Yan is his.

Although he used to look nonchalant and often put on a dashing posture, in fact his possessiveness towards Su Yan was absolute and pure.

He didn't want Wen Zichen to hug his Su Yan, even if he just thought about it, he wanted to embed Su Yan in his body right now, without anyone touching him.

"You don't leave me."

He choked and said, and suddenly remembered Zhao Nanshu's line in Chunguang Chuxiao at this time. In that mood, he finally understood with pain: "Su Yan, let's start over, okay?"

"Ting Wan, when you didn't come just now, Aunt Zhang was blaming me for delaying your time and youth for five years."

Su Yan didn't push him away, didn't answer his words, but slowly blew out the smoke ring, as if recalling something: "Actually, if it wasn't for her to mention it, I wouldn't have thought much about it—after my birthday this year, I will At thirty-six, not old, but not young either."

"I felt very lucky to meet you when I was just over 30 years old. It was like a gift from God. Before you, I was with many people, and it was always a kind of good relationship between supply and demand. , there is nothing but physical satisfaction, so I often feel very empty."

"I fell in love with you the first time I saw your performance in "Whale Talk". I first went to Xu Zhe to ask about you, and then slowly approached you. You are as attractive to me as you are in the movie. Every time I see you, I feel that you are like a deer roaming in an uninhabited forest. You are natural, your vigilance and cuteness are natural, you act purely on instinct, without any adulteration A beautiful creature of compromise, can you understand how grateful I am for the first time I have lived for thirty years?"

Xia Tingwan raised his head involuntarily, his lips trembling slightly, he looked at Su Yan's face blurred by the smoke, but he could vaguely recognize a distant smile from the memory in Su Yan's eyes.

"I want to be with you, not like those empty relationships before. From the beginning, I just wanted to marry you. Whether it's a boring reporter who writes news, or your mother, they can't understand me, they feel because With money, you have the power to choose and control arbitrarily. But for me, getting married is also a sacred and serious decision. You gave me five years of life, but I also gave myself to you for five years. year."

Su Yan stroked Xia Tingwan's face with his hand holding the cigarette, and finally showed a familiar and gentle expression on his face, and said softly, "Wen Zichen and I - I will not marry him, nor will I marry him. I won't marry anyone again. I can't give anyone the form and content of love again."

Xia Ting heard him say this late, but she didn't feel any comfort.

He didn't fully understand what Su Yan meant, but the desolation implied in those words made him feel subconsciously fearful.

Su Yan lowered the car window to a gap, and he took a breath of the rainy air with a smell of mud: "Today you said for the first time that marriage is not forced, I am very happy, really - but I can't go back. Now, Ting Wan."

"I'm not who I was five years ago. I'm not strong enough, and I don't have the courage to do it again at the age of 30."

He said there was no going back.

Su Yan not only didn't want him anymore.

Su Yan doesn't want love anymore.

Xia Tingwan tried her best to open her eyes wide to look at Su Yan, but before he even noticed it, tears had already fallen.

——

Before him, Su Yan had been around many people, some for a year or two, and some for only three or five days.

When Xia Tingwan asked about Su Yan's past, Su Yan did not shy away from it. Some of the names he mentioned were also very famous models and actors. have never heard of anyone who caused Su Yan a scandal or a storm.

Su Yan didn't call them boyfriends, just a companion, just like Wen Zichen's tone now.

In fact, Xia Tingwan had been able to vaguely feel that the Su Yan he knew was not the complete Su Yan.

In the past that he can't see, in the eyes of others, Su Yan may be an indifferent, even cruel person.

Once Xia Tingwan had a whim, and Su Yan took a telescope from Fragrant Hill to the CBD of H City. It turned out that there were more than a dozen towering high-rise buildings developed by Hengtai. At that moment, even he All startled.

How does a man who has accumulated wealth and power to that class, a man who has access to almost everything, think of other more ordinary people in his heart.

It was difficult for Xia Tingwan to understand because he had never stood at such a high place.

But he didn't seem to have thought about this issue before, because Su Yan was different to him.

But now that it was his turn to face Su Yan's other side, he realized what kind of ruthlessness it was.

When Su Yan returned to the time before he knew him, when he decided to divorce, he not only showed no affection for him, but also let go of his once romantic self.

"Su Yan, can I ask you one more question?"

Xia Tingwan let the tears flow weakly on his face, but a stubbornness flashed in his eyes.

In fact, at that moment, he already understood that no amount of begging was useless, and because it was useless, he finally decided to ask everything clearly: "Did you decide to make peace with you the day you found out that I had a car accident? I am divorced?"

"Yes."

Su Yan put out the cigarette in the ashtray in the car.

"Is it...because of that?"

Xia Tingwan's voice trembled, but her eyes did not move when she looked at Su Yan.

He couldn't escape any more. For the past six months, he had almost immersed himself in the pain left by the car accident, because then he could escape the aftershock that the incident brought to them, but walking, walking, He and Su Yan were still in a desperate situation.

He had to face the fuse that led to the fiasco of his marriage with Su Yan.

Su Yan fell into a long silence.

He lowered his eyes, his long eyelashes in the shadows, shaking involuntarily with the sudden intense pain.

Xia Tingwan waited for the answer, but in the deepest part of his heart, he vaguely knew the reason for their real divorce.

Like an iceberg in the sea, the sharp ice fragments floating on the sea surface are car accidents, but the heavy ice accumulated under the sea surface over the years is the cause of car accidents.

He never told anyone about that.

He had a drunk driving accident, Zhao Nanshu once secretly asked him what happened.

Because he did have a problem with alcoholism in the past, but he was not a man who would risk his life. When he drank, he always remembered to call Zhao Nanshu or the driver of the Su family to pick him up. He has never driven under the influence of alcohol for so many years, so what happened that day was for Zhao Nanshu. Of course weird.

He didn't tell Zhao Nanshu the truth.

What happened that day was like a withered and cracked river bed laying between him and Su Yan, so that within six months after the car accident, they never looked at each other as sweetly and affectionately as they once did.

"I don't want to bring it up again."

Su Yan finally spoke, his light gray eyes were deep and calm like the sea after a storm, and it was almost difficult to read any ripple-like fluctuations from his expression: "You're here, get out of the car."

Xia Tingwan walked off Su Yan's Maybach almost in a trance. Before the door closed, he vaguely heard himself say something in a low voice, "Su Yan, I'm sorry."

sorry.

Six months ago, his relationship with Su Yan had a little problem.

Maybe it was because Su Yan was too busy during that time, so he sometimes seemed a little absent-minded. He was sensitive by nature, and he quickly got into trouble with Su Yan, so he was in a bad mood and drank some wine.

That night, he also took Jiu Jin'er to Su Yan's study to look through it, but he didn't expect to find a diary.

The diary was in the old style of more than ten years ago, with a dark leather cover, about 300 pages, and the heavy weight seemed to carry a secret heaviness.

Xia Tingwan didn't pay much attention to it at first, she casually flipped through the middle, and the first page was just that sentence.

"Dad beat me, with a belt, beat me twelve times, then locked me in my room and wouldn't let me eat dinner. I'll never steal candy again."

He felt an unprecedented, chilling terror, and shivered through the entire diary.

The owner of the diary is Su Yan's half-brother, who should be a small child, and his ability to express is still very weak.

But it was written page after page of repeated beatings and abuse by his father.

Perhaps it was because the pain recorded on it was too real, and almost instantly mobilized all his dark memories of the past.

What he thought he could bury, what he no longer looked back on, what he no longer faced, the heaviness completely defeated him that night.

He remembered that his father was drunk and riding on top of him, the inferior belt was slapped on his back, and the belt ripped through the flesh with a crisp sound, and he could almost hear the tragic sound of his own flesh bursting out. movement.

In Su Yan's dim study, he cried so much that he knelt on the ground and vomited, almost spitting out his bile.

He couldn't control his resentment towards the world, it was so intense that he almost wanted to burn all the people who had been happy in the world with him in an instant.

After Su Yan came back, he attacked Su Yan with the most vicious language.

He actually always remembered what he said, no matter how much he hoped that the car accident would make him lose the memory of that night.

"You don't love me, you just sympathize with me, fuck it, I don't need your sympathy, Su Yan, I feel sorry for your brother, right, but you can't save your brother, so you want to save me, you What? You can't make up for anything, so you can't save me, I was beaten and vomited blood, when I wanted to be a bird, a fish, and where were you when I was trying to escape this world? You think you are now Can you save me with these things you gave me? It's too fucking late, I'm already like this. You say you love me, but you're just condescendingly giving me sympathy and packaging it as loving me It looks like you are using me to make up for your guilt towards your brother, right?"

Su Yan, you are a selfish and hypocritical bastard, I want you to get out of my life forever—"

That night, he said this to Su Yan, and then, without waiting for Su Yan's explanation, he rushed out of the Su family's Xiangshan mansion in his Rambo memory with alcohol.

After the car accident, he sobered up and asked Su Yan about his younger brother.

Su Yan told him that Su Jin committed suicide at the age of eleven.

After that, none of them mentioned it again.