Chapter 17

The tsunami really made the program team devastated. The most important itinerary in Phuket is at sea. Although the tsunami was small, for safety reasons, the beaches of Patong and Kata near the sea are all evacuating crowds. , it is absolutely impossible to carry out any filming work,

After several rounds of discussion, the other MCs had very tight schedules, and it was impossible to just wait in Thailand, so finally decided to end the filming of Chiang Mai, and then see how to coordinate the schedule with everyone in the next step.

After listening to Su Yan's words, Xia Tingwan decided not to force herself to act a fake character who became more and more embarrassed because of her powerlessness.

He was originally the darling of the camera, and when he was filming before, he was rarely afraid of the camera.

And the discomfort and cringe of filming "On the Road" during this time, in the final analysis, is about the fear of the eyes that spy on him with malicious intentions, and the inability to see through the turbid human nature.

He let go of his disappointment and confusion about Xing Le, and let go of the breath he had been barely holding for a long time—he finally relaxed again after a long absence.

Xing Le, as before, tried his best to show the so-called "pampering" Xiaowan's gentle captain character.

The way for Xia Tingwan to stop embarrassing herself is to push the boat with the current. During group activities, she showed her closeness to Xing Le.

For him, the petulant and willful little prince is the norm. Compared with Su Yan's gentleness and decency, Xing Le is actually very clumsy.

Xing Le, Xia Tingwan and Ji Zhan fought the landlord together, and the loser put on messy makeup on his face.

Ji Zhan is the landlord alone. Xing Le and Xia Tingwan were a group. Once they lost, Xing Le put on a consistent appearance to protect Xia Tingwan and said that it would be good to put on his face.

Xia Tingwan was also not polite to Xing Le. Not only did he not stop him, but he even did tricks by himself. He painted Xing Le's blush with bright red lipstick, and used a charcoal black eyebrow pencil to paint Xing Le's two heroic spirits. His eyebrows were exaggeratedly connected.

Xing Le cherished his image, and probably didn't expect that he would be planted in it. He looked in the mirror in the middle of the shooting, and his face was a little unsightly.

But Xia Tingwan didn't care about him, his eyes narrowed with a wicked smile, holding Xing Le's face and saying, "Lele, I've wronged you, who made us two little farmers fail to fight the old landlord Ji Zhan?"

He deliberately talked very intimately. Of course, such a joke can only be between old friends. The positions of the two people are completely reversed. Xing Le is playing, Xia Tingwan is also playing, but Xia Tingwan is acting recklessly. His old friend is much more real than Xing Le.

Ji Zhan watched from the side, and did not forget to slap Xia Tingwan again: "Come on, when Xing Le's face is full, it will be my turn to draw you."

Xing Le seemed to be in a bad state that night. After playing cards, when he wanted to go to the bar by the pool to get juice, he slipped his foot and fell into the pool with a thud. They were all startled, and the staff of the program team and other MCs also gathered around.

The filming didn't stop, but Xing Le was obviously frightened. His head and face were covered in water. He sat wet by the pool, his nose and throat were choked with water, and his face turned pale from a cough.

The staff checked him again, and there was no trauma. Xing Le covered his eyes a little uncomfortable: "The contact lenses are crooked—"

Xia Tingwan was the closest to him. Hearing what he said, he squatted down and looked at the light carefully and said, "The lens is slipping, can I take it off for you?"

The two suddenly got very close together, and Xia Tingwan's gaze couldn't help being a little distracted.

Xing Le was wearing a pure white T-shirt, so after falling into the water and getting wet, it instantly became extremely thin.

At this time, although the assistant had already covered most of his body with a blanket, but he was so close, Xia Tingwan suddenly noticed that through the clothes he could vaguely see that Xing Le's chest seemed to be red with many whips. mark.

It was just that moment, and he couldn't see it very clearly, so he couldn't be very sure.

But at this time, Xing Le seemed to feel something, wrapped the blanket a little tighter, and said defensively, "It's okay, I'll ask the assistant to help me deal with it."

Xia Tingwan was a little concerned about this matter. Thinking of Gu Qian's malice and disdain when he talked about Xing Le's health, he always felt that there were many secret and obscure things in Xing Le's private life.

He only knew that Lele had changed, but he didn't know exactly why Lele had changed. After thinking about it, he felt a little uncomfortable in his heart.

The filming continued as usual, but Xia Tingwan became more and more comfortable with it.

He and Ji Zhan rode motorcycles back and forth in the small town in northern Thailand all day long, like teenagers running recklessly in the wind.

During the journey, he did reveal a bit of a willful and hypocritical side, but the wonderful thing is that although he and Ji Zhan never talked about it, Yu Ji Zhan scolded him from time to time, as if the barrage was in real time. Just like ranting.

He vaguely felt that with this cooperation, the part of himself that was not pleasing to the audience was subtly neutralized a little.

On the evening of the last day, Xia Tingwan suddenly discovered that the sunset in Chiang Mai turned out to be pink. At dusk, the clouds were romantically entwined with the glow left by the sun. , turned into plump pink marshmallows.

He didn't care about anything else, and hurriedly called the photographer over and helped everyone take a photo of the back in the pink sunset.

"It's so beautiful." He looked up at the sky and whispered to Ji Zhan, "It's so beautiful that it seems sweet."

In that moment, he completely forgot that he was filming a reality show.

Ji Zhan smiled, but this time he didn't complain about him.

Everyone got together for a drink that night. Somehow they talked about the filming of "Whale Talk". Both Gu Qian and Xing Le were actors, and they were curious about how it felt to work with an international director like Xu Zhe.

When Xia Ting started talking about acting in the evening, his eyes lit up. Five years ago, he didn't take his days in the "Whale Talk" too seriously, and most of the interviews were not too sad, but now five years have passed. Only then did truly realize what a rare experience it was.

He said earnestly: "Director Xu Zhe is best at telling plays and analyzing characters. In fact, when I filmed "Whale Talk", I didn't understand anything at all. At that time, he and I - the play is the relationship between the characters, and it is from the heart of the characters. To the external tension. On the set, Director Xu talked to me about Xiao Xia's mood and feelings over and over again. He kept telling me that if you want to enter Xiao Xia's heart, you must forget that you are acting and come up with the real thing. "

Gu Qian said with a smile: "I heard that Director Xu Zhe always prefers experiential actors, but he doesn't like those who came from academies. Before "Whale Talk", his queen, Lu Xiangnan, was originally a student of the Academy of Fine Arts. Director Xu's three works, all of them are classics. Later, when he officially interacted with Director Xu, he stopped acting. After that, Director Xu caught a glimpse of you, Ting Wan, who has no acting experience at all. Thinking about it now, Director Xu Really smart."

When Gu Qian said this, Xing Le suddenly leaned back, and his face was hidden in the shadows.

Xing Le is an actor who came from a serious school.

"I remember a very classic scene." Ji Zhan also added the topic, he whispered: "It was the scene where Xiao Xia saw Teacher Zhao talking to his father through the crack of the door, saying that Xiao Xia might be gay, I have never heard of it until now. Remember Xiao Xia's look."

Xia Tingwan was a little surprised to hear him say this. Ji Zhan had never talked to him about "Whale Talk", and he always thought that Ji Zhan had never seen his movie. clear.

"Ah! I remember that clip too!" Gu Qian was a little excited, she suddenly laughed, and said to Xia Tingwan: "Tingwan, please play it for us again, I especially want to see the live version...!"

Xia Ting was stunned for a moment, and subconsciously wanted to shirk.

However, Ji Zhan and Li Kaiwen also looked at him expectantly at this time. Although they didn't say it clearly, it was obvious what they wanted to see.

"Then I'll only play the face and eyes. Here, after all, no one is playing."

He took a deep breath, several cameras were aimed at him at this moment, and he seemed to suddenly return to the set of "Whale Whisper" at that moment.

It has been more than six years, and it has been so long since he filmed "Whale Talk".

That scene can be said to be the most classic highlight of "Whale Talk" except for the ending.

In that scene, Mr. Zhao, whom he had always relied on, after discovering his vague love, he chose to go to the school even though he knew that his father was extremely tyrannical. Tell Xiaoxia's father.

Through the crack of the door, Xiao Xia knew that what awaited him would be an extremely terrifying beating, but even heavier than that, was his green love that had withered before it bloomed.

In this world, the only fire that made him feel a little warm was also extinguished.

This scene is actually the prelude to Xiao Xia's choice to commit suicide by throwing herself into the sea at the end.

Xia Tingwan turned his eyes to a point of nothingness. He didn't need any props. As soon as he entered that state, he seemed to see the crack in front of his eyes.

In the crack of the door, the hazy beauty is disillusioned.

Back then, he still needed Xu Zhe to help him understand Xiao Xia's feeling, but now, he has truly experienced that feeling more delicately from his heart.

He was as motionless as a sculpture, and his eyes were scattered and empty at first.

Immediately, with the slight tremor of his eyelashes, the level of his performance began to progress, and the light in his eyes gradually condensed, but when it condensed, the look inside was chaotic - sadness, anger, and helplessness intertwined.

His fingers were clenched in the palm of his hand, his breathing became quicker, and then he advanced to the third floor. The look in his eyes gradually settled into a color - black despair.

Xia Tingwan's eyes gradually filled with tears, and his lips pursed solemnly - the lower half of his face was determined, but his eyes were helpless.

He held the tears in his eyes, and after tossing and turning for almost twenty seconds, the tears did not flow, and his emotions were almost smothered in his chest, making people stay there with a sigh of relief.

Until the end, a tear slowly flowed down from his eyes, and there was only such a stingy drop—it slipped alone to his stubborn mouth.

Xu Zhe once told him that at this moment, at this moment, Xiao Xia decided to break with the world.

Xia Ting took a deep breath. After so many years, it turns out that he can still act.

He knew that the eye scene just now had definitely surpassed the state he was in when he played Xiao Xia.

He felt a shudder from the bottom of his heart, he was an actor, and he could act—he could even act well.

How could he not be excited about it.

He calmed down quietly, raised his hand and wiped away the tear, as if he had suddenly wiped away his doubts about himself.

He smiled lightly in relief and said, "That's about it."

Everyone didn't make a sound for a while, Ji Zhan looked at him without blinking, and after a long time, he clapped a little dazedly.

"It's amazing." Even Gu Qian sighed.

Even the photographers and staff in the back couldn't help but chatted.

"God, Xiao Wan is really the kind of talented actor who doesn't need any experience or skills at all."

Xing Le opened his mouth and sighed, his voice was very soft, and it sounded like he was praising him sincerely, but when Xia Tingwan looked at him, he saw that Xing Le's eyes were so gloomy and cold.

This was the first time Xia Tingwan saw that Xing Le couldn't hide his true feelings. It turned out that Xing Le hated him so much that he almost had a kind of hatred precipitated.

The feeling of satisfaction he had just now disappeared in an instant, replaced by an indescribable coldness.

"As expected of an actor. Sure enough, I lived up to Director Xu Zhe's expectations. Xiaowan is the only one I can play Xiaoxia so realistically. There is no sense of disobedience in every move. In fact, it is no wonder that many people at that time even Do you think... Xiaowan has experienced domestic violence in real life, or knows the victims of domestic violence."

Xia Tingwan glanced at Xing Le in disbelief, but Xing Le turned away and stopped looking at him.

Xing Le grew up with him, and of course he knew what kind of family he grew up in.

Xing Le helped him treat the wound, and once hugged him naively and told him that he would protect him when he grew up. Xing Le really felt sorry for him at that time.

Xing Le knew all too well that domestic violence was an indelible gloom in Xia Tingwan's life, and it was the most painful memory he hid in his heart.

But now Xing Le can peel off his scars in a meaningful way on the show.

This kind of coldness and malice, even more so than the previous ones, made Xia Tingwan feel chills. He could hardly feel anger, just coolness, a coolness from the bottom of his heart.

He and Xing Le will never go back.

——

"It was discussed."

Xia Tingwan looked at Xing Le and smiled, "But it's actually a bit ridiculous. It doesn't always mean that actors who act to kill people actually kill people. This is a truth, right?"

His smile didn't even reach the bottom of his eyes, and when he looked at Xing Le, it seemed like two people with masks were talking.

"Of course." Xing Le nodded with a light expression.

On the last night in Chiang Mai, Xia Tingwan and Xing Le didn't speak privately, but they both knew each other - since then, they have become emotionally estranged.

After the filming, Ji Zhan drank a few cans of beer in the room and sang a few songs to Xia Ting Wan holding the guitar.

His voice is low, because he grew up in the United States, so when he raps in Chinese, his singing also has a sexy and cohesive English-like tone, which sounds lazy.

Xia Tingwan and Ji Zhan sat side by side on the ground, leaning their heads on the sofa to the side, looking at Ji Zhan's profile, listening a little fascinated.

He knew that this was the last chance to hear Ji Zhan sing in the near future, and he couldn't help but feel a little reluctant in his heart.

At this moment, Ji Zhan suddenly lowered his head and leaned over.

He put the guitar aside, put his hands on both sides of Xia Tingwan's body, and propped his body on Xia Tingwan's body a bit oppressively.

"Jizhan...?"

Xia Tingwan was suddenly imprisoned between Ji Zhan's arms and raised her head in astonishment.

Under the light, Ji Zhan's eyes narrowed slightly aggressively, and his breath was filled with the mellow wheat aroma of beer.

"Xia Tingwan, you and I get along quite well."

Ji Zhan's voice was very low, his tall nose rubbed against Xia Tingwan's cheeks vaguely, and said slowly, "I don't think you hate me, right?"

Xia Tingwan's body shuddered slightly. He subconsciously wanted to push back, but the two were too close. As soon as he raised his hand, he touched Ji Zhan's waist.

The young man wore only a thin T-shirt, and he could feel the strong texture of his waist through the fabric.

His fingers hurriedly moved away as if they had been electrocuted, and for a while he could only answer at a loss: "Yes, I don't hate it."

"That's good."

Ji Zhan smiled lightly.

He looks very attractive when he smiles, his eyes are small, but his eyes are wild like a young wolf.

"I quite like you."

Ji Zhan's straightforward words made Xia Ting stunned for a while, and before he could react, Ji Zhan raised his hand and simply took off his shirt.

Ji Zhan's taut wheat-colored skin seemed to glow under the light. He stretched his body, and did not hide his beautiful muscle lines, and whispered, "I want to sleep with you."

"No." Xia Tingwan was startled, and subconsciously refused directly.

He was not used to Ji Zhan's rhythm, it was hot, direct, intense... It was a completely different rhythm from Su Yan.

The shirtless handsome man was so close to him that he could almost smell the volatile hormones in Ji Zhan's skin.

"Why?" Ji Zhan frowned and tilted his head to look at him, the desire in his eyes was like a surging undercurrent: "You are single, and I am single, and they are interested in each other, why not?"

"I..." Xia Tingwan was caught off guard by the question, and felt that it was difficult to explain. He shook his head again and repeated anxiously: "No reason, it just doesn't work."

"Oh?" Ji Zhan raised his eyebrows and flicked his hand between Xia Tingwan's legs rudely, "but you reacted."

Xia Tingwan's whole body almost bounced, and his face was instantly hot, but he couldn't say a word.

He couldn't lie to himself, he did have a physical response.

The body and the brain seemed to be separated into two independent consciousnesses at that moment. He had not been comforted for several months, and there was a restless desire hidden deep in every cell.

Ji Zhan's teasing and stroking seemed to make his body finally wait for a wet rainy night, so a lush thirst instantly grew through the skin.

"Xia Tingwan, you are too nervous."

Ji Zhan held up his face: "You don't belong to Su Yan anymore, you just have to be responsible for yourself, don't be afraid of desire... Be honest and relax."

Xia Tingwan raised her eyes and looked at Ji Zhan, her lips trembling.

His body was like a train that was about to derail, and he felt extremely ashamed that he couldn't control himself, and there was a vague fear in the shame.

He is indeed no longer Su Yan's person.

He can let his desires go, he can do it with Ji Zhan, he can do it with anyone.

This was the first time he was so clearly aware of this matter, and suddenly he was put into the free field, but his heart was trembling.

The shackles are gone, the shackles are gone, but he is like a puppy who suddenly can't find his way home.

He is so afraid, this is the fear that others absolutely cannot understand, and he is actually afraid of freedom.

"Hey...don't cry."

Ji Zhan's voice softened.

Hearing what he said, Xia Tingwan realized that she was crying.

Ji Zhan stretched out his fingers and wiped the corners of Xia Tingwan's eyes. He seemed very confused and a little distressed. In the end, he could only hug Xia Tingwan at a loss and coaxed: "Don't cry, don't cry. Alas, Why all of a sudden—"

Xia Tingwan suddenly hugged Ji Zhan's body tightly with her backhand.

"The first time I did it was with Su Yan." He whispered tremblingly.

"I know."

"It was the night we just got married that Su Yan fucked me." Xia Ting closed her eyes and muttered, "It hurts, I've never felt so much pain."

"It hurts the first time." Ji Zhan stroked Xia Tingwan's hair and comforted.

"No." Xia Tingwan shook her head: "Su Yan wants me to hurt."

That night, Su Yan raised his legs high over his shoulders, and then pressed them down, almost folding his whole body in half.

He cried and begged for mercy, crying over and over again in pain.

Su Yan pressed him fiercely, but kissed his forehead again and again so tenderly.

Su Yan said: Tingting, just this night - I want you to be in pain, and I want you to keep this feeling firmly in your mind. I am the first man to enter your body, this kind of pain is given to you, only I can give you. I am the only one in this life.

He hugged Su Yan tightly with tears in his eyes, he heard Su Yan say that he was the only one in his life, and suddenly he was willing.

Love is a cruel domestication.

Although he was Su Yan's little prince, he was the one who bowed his head to Su Yan that night.

The pain like tearing the body is like a grand ceremony of confession. He made Su Yan the master of his erotic world, let Su Yan occupy his most vulnerable parts, and first gave him extreme pain, and then gave him supreme joy.

He was so confused.

He was still wearing a collar foolishly, but Su Yan on the other end had already loosened the rope.

In his body is the brand that Su Yan gave him, and in his memory is the pain that Su Yan made him remember firmly.

Su Yan personally said that he would be the only one in his life. But it was Su Yan who suddenly let go of him. This freedom was forcibly given to him.

Ji Zhan asks him to relax and be honest.

He was finally honest with himself.

Most honestly he was a prisoner.

Of course his physical lust exists.

But the lust in his soul was imprisoned in the life sentence that Su Yan gave him.

"Jizhan, I really want to do it, but I can't be with you—" Xia Tingwan's voice was a little hoarse: "I closed my eyes, what I saw was not you, what I wanted was not you, it was Su Yan."

Ji Zhan's expression was a little stunned: "Doesn't it hurt a lot with him?"

Xia Tingwan shook his head: "You can't give me the pain that Su Yan gave me, so I too... It's impossible for me to like you."

——

Ji Zhan was silent for a long time, the two people's breathing from the beginning was rapid, and gradually subsided one after another, their lust spread like a raging fire, but they left quietly like the tide in the night.

He silently released his arms that wrapped Xia Tingwan's body, and then lay down side by side with Xia Tingwan.

"Ji Zhan..." Xia Tingwan looked at Ji Zhan's face and whispered, "I'm sorry."

Ji Zhan shook his head, but his expression was a little complicated: "I didn't think of you... The relationship between you and Su Yan is like this."

He said, hesitated for a while, and then continued softly: "I wrote a song a year ago, and I named it "Deep Love Wounds", at that time I thought these four words were beautiful for no reason, but the melody When I wrote it, I felt a bit short of breath until the end. It's a pity. Now that I think about it, it's probably because I don't understand. Xia Tingwan—what about you and Su Yan?"

Xia Ting took a deep breath, and when he heard those four words, he was a little dazed for a while.

"After the divorce, I still have an illusion from time to time..."

He turned his head to look at Ji Zhan, and murmured like a babble: "It seems that when I suddenly turn around at a certain moment, I can see Su Yan standing beside me, looking at me like in the past. When I think like that, For a few seconds, my body would feel numbly happy, as if it could float. Then, I would walk a few steps with an illusion and refuse to look back until the dreamy hallucination completely disappeared from my body. I come back to reality empty, and I still won't really look back. Because, in fact, I know he's not there, of course he won't be there."

"Ji Zhan, have you ever thought about someone like this? You can fool yourself for a few seconds, or a few seconds. Have you ever thought about someone like this?"

"I don't." Ji Zhan and Xia Tingwan looked at each other, his eyes filled with confusion, and he whispered, "You said I couldn't give you pain, I understand now, Su Yan and you are in love too deep. , so deep that it will be unforgettable for you. Of course I can't give such pain. But Xia Tingwan, love it so much - are you really happy? "

Perhaps it was the confusion and incomprehension that made him impatient. He didn't wait for Xia Tingwan to answer, and continued: "So what's wrong with loving a little shallower...? Let yourself be a little free, be a little lighter, and see what makes your heart beat. Whoever is quicker, don't hesitate to try—try hugging him and having sex with him."

"It's like me and you, although we've only known each other for a few days, I won't lie to myself about how deeply we can love you right now, but the way I like you and the desire to want you at this moment is sincere, then I'm going to say it. We're both grown men, and there's nothing too much to talk about. I've always looked at this bluntly like this, if we're happy together, continue, if we're not happy, let go, no one will be seriously hurt, so Isn't it bad to have casual and shallow feelings?"

Xia Tingwan looked at Ji Zhan. In fact, from such a close observation, Ji Zhan's face was still between a man and a big boy. His eyes were clear and direct, and his high nose bridge made his temperament with A sharp vigor.

"pretty good."

Xia Tingwan said softly, "Really."

He is sincere.

Ji Zhan is undoubtedly full of charm.

He's confident, handsome and talented, and it must have been his past countless wanton relationships that gave him this intense, aggressive sexiness.

He looks at love and sex as if he were watching the night wind whistling across the ground. He loves that wildness and wantonness, so much that he can dance with it. But once shaved, he said goodbye freely.

Perhaps Ji Zhan himself is a gust of wind on the field.

Xia Tingwan is really envious of such a relaxed feeling.

But it was also at that moment that he calmly realized that he and Ji Zhan were destined to never be together.

Even without Su Yan, it would not work.

He listened to Ji Zhan tell about his view of love, feeling novel and strangely open.

This is the first time he has seen this world. It turns out that everyone has their own unique understanding of love.

He understood Ji Zhan's thoughts and thought that was really good, but at the same time he knew very clearly that it wasn't what he wanted.

At that moment, Xia Tingwan suddenly had a strange epiphany. It turns out that a person can see his true appearance from another person's face.

"Jizhan, I'm also very envious that you can do this, but I can't. I-I don't want shallow feelings."

Xia Ting took a deep breath and said slowly and word by word: "I don't want to try, I want to stretch out my hand for a lifetime, I can endure the pain, but I don't want to come and go like a gust of wind. Feelings, I want...I want deep feelings that can be written into my life."

"I want... Su Yan."

Xia Tingwan finally said those words, he involuntarily pursed his lips, and revealed a faint smile.

That smile was sour, but there was also a vague sense of relief.

Going around, he met new people and had a new life experience, but he understood himself better.

He also loves Su Yan.

He has a past unlike anyone else's.

He lived in this world with scars all over his body, a little frightened, and sensitive.

At the age of nineteen, he was extremely eager for love, but he felt insecure in front of another man by taking off his clothes and showing his obscure body.

In the loss of loss, he met Su Yan.

That wasn't actually a coincidence.

Su Yan loves him, never in the mood of trying, but devoting everything, poetically, almost sacrificially.

Their love, from the very beginning, was extreme, even a little morbid, never shallow and frivolous.

When Su Yan pursued him, he could spend the first half of the year, using only his mouth and hands to let him feel the pleasure of eroticism, but he endured and didn't ask him for anything in return.

Without that half year, he would not be willing to let Su Yan branded him when he was newly married.

Su Yan is the only person in the world who makes him feel safe. Such a powerful and powerful Su Yan is like a big cat standing at the top of the food chain.

He is a weak little peacock, but only when Su Yan loves him to the point of surrender, and bows to his burning charm, can he relax, spread his legs, and let Su Yan love and possess him thoroughly and fiercely.

Their life experiences are closely intertwined.

His desires can only be poured down like heavy rain in an area where he feels safe.

He now understands more and more that not only Su Yan fell in love with him, but also he, at an ignorant age when he was most eager for love, found Su Yan and fell in love with Su Yan relying on his intuition.

After getting married, the first love letter Su Yan wrote to him was an excerpt from the poem of the Korean poet Zheng Xuanzong, called "Visitor". He liked it at that time and secretly memorized it.

"Someone came into your life,

It's actually a very big thing.

because of him

Comes with his past, present and future

Because this is the arrival of a person's life."

He took all the past and went to Su Yan's arms together.

Now, he still wants to go back there.

with his future.