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Chapter 18
Chapter 18
Ji Zhan still seemed unable to figure it out that night, and went back to his bed to sleep a little depressed.
The next morning, he hugged Xia Tingwan before leaving, and whispered in Xia Tingwan's ear: "I thought about it all night, but I still respect your opinion. Are we still friends? When the concert is held, you must come."
Xia Tingwan nodded vigorously.
Ji Zhan smiled and didn't say anything more. He picked up the guitar and turned around with his assistant and simply left.
He is still the Ji Zhan like a gust of wind.
Xia Tingwan looked at Ji Zhan's tall and straight back, and suddenly felt a little grateful.
It is really a wonderful thing to meet such a free and easy big boy like Ji Zhan in life.
Xing Le and Gu Qian have other work arrangements, so they do not fly to H city. So it was a coincidence that Li Kevin and Xia Tingwan were sitting together on the return trip.
After chatting for a while, Li Kaiwen's expression suddenly became a little subtle. He leaned over and said in a low voice, "Has Xing Le mentioned anything to you?"
"Ah?" Li Kevin's words were endless, and Xia Tingwan could only turn to look at him without knowing it.
"Didn't I live with him? I don't think he's in a good state. He tossed and turned at night and couldn't fall asleep. After the filming was over, we almost didn't talk much, and..." Li Kevin scratched his head and hesitated: " One time, I stumbled across a lot of wounds on him. Or, the traces of those wounds, you know?"
Xia Tingwan was still a little sleepy, but after hearing Li Kaiwen's words, he suddenly woke up. Of course, he knew that Li Kaiwen was talking about "that kind of injury". With a quick glance at the T-shirt, the first reaction was the same.
Those wounds like welts felt like they were left over from sexual abuse.
Li Kaiwen and Xia Tingwan glanced at each other, but Li Kaiwen coughed first and whispered: "Actually, many people in the circle know privately that Boss Ye of Shaoguang Entertainment likes to play SM, but he doesn't force people, just ... The attack is very ruthless, so it seems that he has changed a lot of bed partners. Xing Le has been in time, and it is estimated that the injury on his body is related to this. "
Li Kevin and Xia Tingwan had a good relationship before, and it was such a private and semi-public news, so it was not particularly taboo to discuss it.
Xia Tingwan felt uncomfortable hearing it. Although Li Kevin's words confirmed his vague guesses, he did not tell Li Kevin what he had seen. He didn't know much about SM, but he felt that the welt wounds that he could see through his clothes after several days could no longer be explained by sexual fetishes, it could only be described as cruel sexual abuse.
Xia Tingwan remembered Ye Bingwen's sullen appearance when he locked him in the car before, and said that he would be asked to kneel and beg for mercy, and the look on his face when he beat him fiercely, and then thinking of Xing Le's situation, he couldn't help feeling a burst from the heart. fear.
Ye Bingwen is a pervert at all, and he is more and more sure of this now.
After getting off the plane, Xia Tingwan hesitated on the road, and finally couldn't help sending a euphemistic WeChat message to Xing Le: "Lele, have you been... how are you?"
After putting down the phone, I felt so conflicted.
If only life could be less complicated, he couldn't help thinking like this. The day before, he had thought that he would be a stranger, but when he heard such news, he was still very painful.
Xing Le has changed, but what happened to Xing Le over the years makes him rather endure this kind of sexual abuse and continue to work hard in his time, which is unimaginable for Xia Tingwan.
Xing Le never replied.
...
Before going to Xiangshan, Xia Tingwan dressed up carefully.
He actually wanted to see Su Yan very much before, but he had never passed the test in his heart, and there was always a psychological line of defense that he could neither admit nor be too ambitious.
But this time is different.
Xia Tingwan blew her hair neatly, pulled her bangs to the side, and trimmed her eyebrows neatly and beautifully. He spritzed on Hermes earth perfume and put on an asymmetrical Versace silk shirt.
In the end, looked in the mirror for a while, and in the end didn't do much concealer for the scar.
Maybe it was because he looked at this scar for a long time every day, and gradually he became used to it. After all, it was an inherent part of his life situation.
When he is not on camera, facing Su Yan, although he wants to be as beautiful as possible, he is not willing to lose too much truth.
When Zhao Nanshu was driving downstairs to pick him up, he was stunned at first glance, but then he couldn't help laughing again and said, "I'm in good spirits today, boss."
Xia Tingwan has always been a man who loves beauty very much.
He likes colorful clothes with strong sense of design. He used to have a whole cabinet of floral shirts in Xiangshan's cloakroom, and he especially likes to wear them out at night.
His eyes are dazzlingly beautiful, and it happens that the bridge of his nose is not too high and sharp, neutralized, but he can control many exaggerated and bright clothes.
Su Yan teased him for this, saying that he had the temperament of a peacock, and wished to grow the most gorgeous colors in nature on his body.
He always thought it was a compliment.
It was already night when we arrived at Xiangshan, and it was Wen Zichen who came to open the door.
Wen Zichen seemed to have just returned from a run, wearing sportswear, with a few drops of sweat on his forehead and neck. When he saw Xia Ting in the evening, he looked up and down keenly, maybe it was the clothes and dressing that made him feel A little unusual.
But he didn't say much, but quickly showed a familiar gentle smile: "Mr. Xia is here, I just came back from exercising with Brother Yan."
He said to invite Xia Ting to come in late, and Su Yan happened to be drinking water in the front hall, also wearing a black sports suit.
Xia Tingwan suddenly felt uncomfortable again. Su Yan and Wen Zichen's clothes were very homely, but in contrast, he felt that his expensive shirts were sticky.
Sometimes, compared to the tingling in his heart when he occasionally thinks of Su Yan and Wen Zichen's relationship, the feeling that Wen Zichen is infiltrating Su Yan's life step by step makes him feel even more choked up.
"Are you back?" Su Yan walked over.
Xia Ting nodded late: "Phuket can't go to shoot, so I went back early."
"Mr. Xia, come here so late." Wen Zichen poured a cup of tea and handed it over: "Ningning slept a little early today, so don't wake him up?"
Xia Tingwan took the cup and answered after a while: "Well, don't call him. I want to talk to Su Yan for a while."
Su Yan turned to look at Wen Zichen, but Wen Zichen lowered his head meekly and said softly, "Brother Yan, then I'll go back to the house first."
"I want to sit outside for a meeting."
Xia Tingwan turned his head and said a little angrily, even if Wen Zichen was not in the front hall, he suddenly didn't want to continue talking to Su Yan here.
"it is good."
Su Yan didn't ask much, and walked outside the house with him, sitting side by side on the chair beside the flowerbed.
The scent of roses drifted around them.
"I-I brought you something small."
It was Xia Ting who spoke softly first.
He turned to look at Su Yan, and suddenly felt a little nervous. He took out a Thai packaged candy from his trousers pocket, carefully peeled off the candy wrapper, and then picked it up and handed it to Su Yan.
"Thailand durian candy." Xia Tingwan looked at Su Yan and said, "I have tasted several kinds since I went, and this is the sweetest one. It's super. I brought you a small box, but I'm in a hurry today, the box It's too messy and I haven't cleaned it up, so I grabbed a loose one and you have a taste."
Su Yan was stunned.
Xia Tingwan held the sugar in a slightly embarrassing position, and the words he held with his hands were a little high. He hesitated for a while, and finally lowered his head and directly put it in his mouth.
"Sweet?"
Xia Tingwan opened her eyes in anticipation.
"Hmm. Sweet."
Su Yan held sugar grains in his mouth and said vaguely, "Thank you."
As he said, he took the brightly colored candy paper from Xia Tingwan's hand smoothly, lowered his head and folded it neatly into a small strip, and then silently clasped it into his palm.
Xia Tingwan only heard Su Yan say these two words, and his ears suddenly became a little hot. For some reason, when Su Yan said "sweet", it was like he had tasted the taste of candy himself, and there was a greenness in his throat. sweet.
He has no experience, and he doesn't know if he is secretly pursuing Su Yan. In Chiang Mai, he took time to go shopping for a long time after the filming, and finally chose several kinds of durian candy, coconut candy, and mango What are you doing? She packed several small bags for Su Yan in a very delicate gift box.
Only then did he realize that he had actually been married for five years, and he had not bought any gifts for Su Yan except for his birthday. He always felt that Su Yan had everything in his life, and there was nothing to be rare, but thinking about it now, it really felt a pity.
If he wanted to, he could make Su Yan very happy.
“Is Thailand fun?”
"It's fun." Xia Tingwan nodded quickly. Referring to Thailand, he lowered his head and took out his mobile phone, and said excitedly, "I'll show you the photos."
He happily flipped through the photos in the photo album for Su Yan, many of them were taken by Zhao Nanshu and Ji Zhan, some of them were bathing elephants, some of Thailand's brightly colored twin cars, some of them were taken by him. drink coconut water.
"Look, the sunset in Chiang Mai is pink, so beautiful, it's different from other places."
He pointed at the photo to Su Yan, Su Yan leaned slightly closer, and gave a low "um" in his ear.
The next photo is of him riding a motorcycle with one foot on the ground, looking cool.
"Can you ride a motorcycle?" Su Yan asked.
"No." Xia Tingwan smiled a little embarrassedly, and then there was a naughty look in his eyes: "Pose."
"I think so too." Su Yan also smiled slightly. When he laughed, the familiar beauty groove on his chin deepened.
Xia Tingwan looked up at him and thought in her heart that she really wanted to kiss him.
Su Yan lowered his head, this time he swiped down a photo with his hand, but it was taken by Zhao Nanshu.
Ji Zhan was riding a motorcycle. He sat behind Ji Zhan, supported Ji Zhan's waist with his hand, and smiled at the camera with a V-sign.
Su Yan's movements paused for a while. He looked at the photo for a while, but did not ask any further questions, but calmly flipped down another one.
The next one is a photo of Xia Tingwan holding a new born tiger in Tiger Park. The cub stared at the camera fiercely, with a fat paw resting on Xia Tingwan's arm.
At this moment, a WeChat message popped up from the prompt at the top of the phone, indicating that it was from Ji Zhanfa.
"Ting Wan, I'm in City S, I'm having hot pot tonight, I'll show you [picture]"
Su Yan glanced at the phone screen, and leaned back, apparently to give Xia Tingwan some space to reply to the news.
"I'll be back later." Xia Tingwan opened the picture, and it turned out to be a very lively hot pot table. He glanced at it and closed the WeChat window first.
"Ji Zhan," Su Yan repeated the name and whispered, "It's the one who rode a motorcycle with you in the photo just now, right?"
He looked at Xia Tingwan's long and narrow eyes with a faint expression. In the night, the light gray pupils looked a little alienated, like a reserved old cat, and he couldn't see any unnecessary emotions.
"Well, Ji Zhan is my new friend this time."
"You said just now that you have something to say to me?" Su Yan changed the subject abruptly. He didn't seem to want to ask more about Ji Zhan.
"Yes." Although Xia Tingwan felt sudden, he still nodded. This was the real purpose of his visit this time. He had to say something to Su Yan.
"I……"
He took a deep breath and finally said slowly: "I have lived a very unforgettable life in the past few days in Thailand. In fact, it is difficult to sum up in a few words, but I still want to try to tell you... …When shooting a reality show, I felt a lot of pressure at first. After I called you that day, I felt a lot better. You are right, I am not suitable for reality shows. What I have always liked is getting to know someone The character, breathing the character, and finally acting out a kind of 'reality', but reality shows are the exact opposite, I seem to be in a 'real environment', but I have to show something that doesn't belong to me , I don't like to get in touch with the camera in that way. After "On the Road", I don't think I will take on reality shows again. I, I really didn't think much about my career before, but in the future... I will If I work hard, I will find a suitable movie to pick up, even if...even if the pay is not much, or I encounter many difficulties, I think that as long as I have a direction, I can still face it slowly."
"Except for the work, in fact, after I left you, I felt that life was very lame. Because I wanted to make money, I took a reality show, and after I filmed it, I felt it was not suitable, but I could only grit my teeth. After the filming, it was really lame. But it seems that I am not the only lame person, Xing Le... Xing Le also has a lot of stories. I sometimes feel that he should not be so cruel to me, but sometimes I feel that at a time I don't know In fact, I don't know what he went through, maybe he is really sad. Su Yan, life - is it really not an easy thing?"
"Yes."
After Su Yan answered, he fell into a long silence.
He lowered his head, looked at the swaying shadow of the rose branch on the ground, and said in a hoarse voice: "I feel difficult all the time. Sometimes, it seems that I have to bite my teeth to persevere."
Xia Tingwan looked at Su Yan, and his heart suddenly trembled.
He had never heard Su Yan say something so depressing that he was almost desperate. The former Su Yan was omnipotent and indestructible in front of him.
But his intuition told him that this was the first time that Su Yan had revealed the absolute truth to him.
"I was never allowed to do what I wanted to do."
Su Yan took a slow, slow breath, as if there was a sharp blade hidden in this empty air. Every time he swallowed a little bit, it would cut his lung cavity, and his tail sound followed. Trembling painfully for a moment: "I want my mother to stay by my side, I want to go to school in China, and I want to study literature, but there is nothing that can follow my wishes."
——
"I was never allowed to do what I wanted to do."
Su Yan took a slow, slow breath, as if there was a sharp blade hidden in this empty air. Every time he swallowed a little bit, it would cut his lung cavity, and his tail sound followed. Trembling painfully for a moment: "I want my mother to stay by my side, I want to go to school in China, and I want to study literature, but there is nothing that can follow my wishes."
"When I was eleven, my mother was hospitalized with severe depression because of my father's many cheatings, and soon I was sent to study in the UK. Three years later, my mother died in the hospital. My father didn't inform me at the time, maybe he I don’t think it’s necessary. Later, when I came back to H City during the holiday, the only thing I could do was to go to the graves—even crying, it seemed outdated.”
"When I first went to the UK, my English was poor. I didn't have friends, and I couldn't understand what the teacher said in class. I was surrounded by white-skinned British people, and their world seemed to be separated from me by a glass cover. For the first few months, I only ordered egg sandwiches when I went to restaurants by myself, because that was the only word I could say without being timid... I felt sick when I ate it, and now I mention the word egg sandwich, and I still feel like throwing up. In order to Let me get used to it. My father did not allow me to speak Chinese, and the Chinese housekeeper I hired almost only spoke English. At that time, I hid a set of "Swordsman" in my room, and secretly turned a few pages at night. Rotten."
"This is my boyhood. I have always been lonely, so lonely that I wrote to myself and talked to myself. In my world, I am alone."
Xia Tingwan looked at Su Yan's side face, couldn't help shaking her hand, and held Su Yan's hand.
Su Yan's temperature also seemed lonely and bitingly cold.
"After two years in the UK, there was a literature class where the teacher was reciting Byron's poems, you know, the phrase 'If I ever see you, it's years later. What would I do? Say hello to you, with tears, with silence', I found for the first time that reciting in English turned out to be so beautiful. I was infatuated with that rhythm - with tears, with silence, I couldn't help reciting it in my heart These two sentences. After that, I started to adapt, I ran to the library frequently, read Byron, Shelley, Tagore, I finally perked up, I thought I found my way, but..."
"But I was wrong. At the age of eighteen, my brother committed suicide, but my father didn't grieve for long. He flew to England and watched me fill out my application before leaving. I ended up not studying literature, but I went to business school. I'm the son of the Su family, I can't do what I want to do. Ting Wan, yes, I think life is really difficult. It may not be difficult to live, but living makes me feel worthwhile, but It's hard. Because...I've rarely been truly happy in my life."
When Su Yan said this, he raised his head and looked at Xia Tingwan. There was a fog-like sadness in his eyes.
Xia Tingwan was speechless, the bitter taste all the way to his stomach.
The bright, powerful Su Yan, the fluent English accent, and the personable Su Yan, when such Su Yan walked towards him, he took it for granted.
Before him and Su Yan, they were more than eleven years apart in age.
He enjoyed the most perfect side of Su Yan for five years. He showed Su Yan his injuries recklessly. Later, he even felt a little proud, like a reason why Su Yan had to dote on him.
But before this man came, he went through all the ups and downs and hardships, but he never told him.
He wanted to blame him.
But how could he bear it.
In the marriage of two people, one person just rolls around and does not want to grow up, and the other person can do anything but keep silent and forbear.
It was he who didn't give the tired man a reason to keep going.
"My mother told me that when I was a toddler for the first time at the age of one, she quietly made a wish in her heart that the world would treat me kindly. I think if she is now, she must be a little disappointed."
Su Yan shook his head: "When I married you, my family didn't really agree, but that time I insisted. At that time, I also had the same wish as my mother. But I don't want to be so passive, if the world doesn't treat you kindly, I will But I have to do everything. So, I always thought, if you want to make a movie, go for it. If you don't want to work, I will accompany you to rest. I have a lot of money, so I don't want you to worry about unnecessary things. I just I hope you are happy, I hope you can do what you really want to do, and I hope you can find real satisfaction and peace in your life. But…”
When Su Yan said this, he put down his hand in pain. He was silent for a while before whispering, "But I failed."
"I failed completely." Su Yan repeated, he was a little lost, as if asking Xia Tingwan, and as if he was muttering to himself: "Did I do a lot of wrong things? Married me for five years , you are getting more and more sluggish, the last year, it seems that no matter how hard I try, you will not be as happy as when we first fell in love. I sometimes wonder if it is because I am rarely happy, so I can't do it Make you really happy too?"
"No, Su Yan, I..." Xia Tingwan raised his head suddenly, he shook his head vigorously, and the look in his eyes was almost fear.
No, Su Yan, please don't think so.
"So it's fine now." Su Yan smiled bitterly: "When you grow up, you can figure out what you want, you can see clearly that life is complicated, you don't need my protection, and you can live a good life. In fact, that day, you came to me and said that you would take on the responsibility of raising Ningning. I felt that you had grown up, really. You are still so young, and you will meet many excellent people in the future. Ji Zhan and Ji Zhan may also be good. , me and you, all of our sad things... will pass. And then - let's make a few more movies, I've always been your fan, okay?"
Every word of Su Yan was saying goodbye, and he could hear it.
He used to think that it hurt the most that Su Yan said no to him with a cold face, but now he would rather Su Yan scold him for being self-willed and ignorant, not like he is now, not like he is now.
Xia Tingwan finally couldn't bear it anymore, tears flowed down embarrassingly, he hugged Su Yan, and choked with a hiss: "Don't—Su Yan, I still love you, I beg you— -I need you."
He had thought of a lot of calm words to describe his feelings, but at this moment, all of them were forgotten in his mind.
He was like a small beast, almost desperate to squeeze his head into Su Yan's chest, he was completely out of control, but he couldn't do anything.
He just understood, he just understood the pain of the man in his arms.
He said that he was lonely, and his heart was trembling. He said that he was not happy, and he was also trembling with distress.
For the first time, he truly felt the true appearance of love—his joys and sorrows were connected with Su Yan. He wanted to love Su Yan, and this time he understood.
How could Su Yan decide to push him away when he realized it.
"don't want……"
He repeated this word over and over helplessly, almost rubbing Su Yan's clothes into shreds.
Su Yan's body was a little stiff at first, but slowly, his hand lightly covered Xia Tingwan's back, and he rubbed it, "obedient, obedient, eh?"
Xia Tingwan was trembling with anxiety. He felt that there were infinite words in his chest, but he didn't know how to say it, so he almost exploded.
His face and eyes were embarrassedly red, and he almost raised his head and asked desperately, "Su Yan, do you still love me?"
Su Yan looked at him with light gray eyes. After a long time, he did not answer, but whispered, "It's time for you to go back."
Xia Tingwan grabbed Su Yan's collar tightly and refused to get off Su Yan's body. He shook his head desperately and said in a hoarse voice, "Su Yan, do you dare to answer me? You dare to look me in the eyes and don't lie. Me, tell me directly? You tell me - you don't love me anymore, you like Wen Zichen, do you dare to say these words?"
Su Yan remained silent, looking at Xia Tingwan, his thin lips gradually pursed.
It was a serious and somewhat defensive expression.
He didn't speak, but suddenly picked up Xia Tingwan and strode towards the direction where Zhao Nanshu parked.
Xia Tingwan struggled hard all the way, but Su Yan was taller than him and was holding him tightly, so he couldn't get down at all.
Su Yan opened Zhao Nanshu's car door, bent down, like a soft puppy in his arms, he put Xia Tingwan on the back seat of the car, so shocked that Zhao Nanshu couldn't help it He turned his head, but did not dare to speak.
Xia Tingwan knew that his face was full of tears now, and it was too embarrassing to look disheveled, but he couldn't take it any longer. He never let go of Su Yan's neckline until now, forcing Su Yan to bend it. Waist against him.
"Su Yan, you don't dare to say it, do you?" He stared at Su Yan's eyes, sniffed suddenly, pressed down Su Yan's neck, and kissed Su Yan's lips fiercely .
It was almost a bloody kiss. Su Yan's lips were bitten by him, and he sucked hard. Su Yan groaned in pain and wanted to leave, but he bit deeper.
He no longer knows whether he is hate or love at this time.
"I won't give up." Xia Tingwan gritted her teeth in Su Yan's ear and said, "Su Yan, I didn't give up my love with you. I don't care whether you agree or not, and I don't listen to your answer. , you are a coward, a coward now, fuck it. But if you still love me in your heart, if you still care about my dignity and my feelings - I won't allow you to sleep with Wen Zichen again, and I won't allow you to have feelings for others .Did you hear that?"