Chapter 25

Su Yan was silent.

Xia Tingwan looked at him, and the corners of his eyes were slightly red.

Su Yan did not speak, and neither did he.

It was a silent wrestling.

In the suffocating silence, Su Yan finally said slowly, "I don't want to answer."

His voice was extremely cold, and his lips pursed seriously.

It was a familiar expression.

Su Yan was unhappy and never liked to say it, but as long as he showed a subtle expression, Xia Tingwan could immediately sense it like a sensitive little beast.

After five years of marriage, he would rarely continue to contradict Su Yan at such a time.

But this time is different.

"Su Yan, what if I want you to answer?"

Xia Tingwan said word by word.

Su Yan turned his head sharply, his breathing sounded a little heavy.

The air was stagnant.

Xia Tingwan was nervous, his fingers curled slightly when he was nervous, but he stubbornly refused to back down and kept looking directly into Su Yan's eyes.

"After answering?"

Su Yan said in a low voice: "After I answered, you will continue to ask, did you do anything else and how? You need to clarify all the details. But Tingting, you know— - Will it feel better?"

"I'm not feeling well."

Xia Tingwan said tremblingly, and he repeated: "Of course I'm not feeling well."

He raised his head, looked at Su Yan helplessly, and murmured, "Su Yan, the thought of asking you this question is really sudden, and it didn't appear in the last second, and it came out of nowhere. However, in fact, it seems to have been hidden in my mind for a long time. Did Wen Zichen tell you about it, did you fuck him? It's also very painful, but no matter how painful it is, you can tell me, I want you to tell me..."

Su Yan looked at Xia Tingwan, who was trembling all over, and there was a faint pain in his deep eyes.

He stretched out his hand, as if he wanted to touch Xia Tingwan's face, but then put it down sullenly.

After a long time, he lowered his eyes and said, "I did it once with Wen Zichen."

He opened his head, paused for a while, and then seemed to give up the struggle, and slowly continued: "He gave me a mouth for a while, and then he didn't continue-he has an injury underneath, and he seems to be afraid. . Vaguely, I thought of you and didn't want to do it. There's nothing else after that."

Xia Ting listened to it late, and suddenly felt like she was about to cry: "Then do you feel sorry for him as much as you do for me?"

"No." Su Yan froze for a moment, then immediately shook his head: "No."

They only did it once.

Is this a good answer?

Xia Tingwan didn't know, but he did understand that there was no answer that he could accept.

No matter what Su Yan said, he was mad with pain for no reason, and he couldn't help hating Su Yan at this moment.

"Su Yan, I'm so uncomfortable."

When Xia Ting opened his mouth late, he covered his face and said tremblingly, "I used to think that I was your little prince. I like to have sex with you, and I think my cutest appearance is for you to see. I don't know how to speak, and I don't have any skills in bed, but I think you must think I'm the most charming, there's nothing to compare, and no one can compare to me. You know, then, then, with you After I finished walking, I felt like I was floating up the next day. It was beautiful. But now everything is different. I...I, I can't help but think, after five years of work, you are tired of it. Do you think I'm not that attractive, I'll tell you now, do you think I'm clumsy, someone can compare it with me, I, I'm so uncomfortable... Su Yan, why? To me? Why?"

When he heard his own voice, he realized that he was actually crying.

"Tingting..." Su Yan took a deep breath: "No, it is impossible to compare with you, and no one can compare with you."

"Su Yan, why is that? You know you're sleeping with someone else, but I'm more than uncomfortable. You know how painful and sad I will be... Why do you still do it?"

Xia Tingwan finally asked this question that he had always kept in his heart and kept aching in his heart day and night.

He has been patient, has been patient.

Endured until this moment, suddenly collapsed without warning.

Even if Su Yan left him and had a relationship with someone else, he still seemed to be in charge of all his lust.

Not only was he unable to have a relationship with Ji Zhan, but for the past two months, he even felt resistance to masturbation.

How unfair this is.

With embarrassment, he roughly wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes with his fingers, and looked at Su Yan with red eyes: "The night I married you, you told me when you came in, so that I will always remember that feeling— In this life, only you can give me. So I never wanted to be intimate with others, never wanted to know what it's like to be naked in bed with others, never wanted to let another man enter my house Body. After I divorced you, I had the opportunity to live another life. During the reality show, I also had some interactions with Ji Zhan. If I wanted to, I could find someone else as I said before, younger, simpler."

Hearing this, Su Yan's eyes seemed to darken slightly.

But Xia Tingwan couldn't care less. He grabbed Su Yan's shirt collar and asked in a choked voice, "Su Yan, what if I'm with someone else? What if I'm in bed with someone else, can you tolerate it?"

Su Yan's face darkened and his eyes narrowed.

In the dark, he showed a cat-like aggressive attitude.

"What's wrong with you and Ji Zhan?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

Xia Tingwan's body trembled subconsciously, and she clearly felt the dangerous aura of the man in front of her.

He is like a canary, born to be afraid of a cat-like man like Su Yan.

But in the fear at this time, there is a kind of anger that is weak to the extreme.

He bit his lip, looked directly at Su Yan, and repeated the words provocatively: "Can you tolerate it?"

"I can not."

Su Yan suddenly broke free from Xia Tingwan's hands, he stood up, and when his tall figure stood beside the bed, he felt a suffocating sense of oppression.

Su Yan actually had a very heavy face, with a sharp nose and a proud chin.

When his emotions came, the corners of his eyes and lips were all pulling upwards. Although he didn't stare hard, it made people feel that he was really angry when his emotions came, and there was an invisible fierceness and deterrence.

"I can't explain what happened in the past. But if you go to bed with others in order to get revenge on me, Tingting, you won't be happy, and I will never tolerate it. I have nothing to say, it's getting late, you go to bed. "

Su Yan didn't say a word, turned around and walked out of the bedroom.

Xia Tingwan's lips trembled uncontrollably.

Even if Su Yan decides to have a relationship with someone first, this man still maintains an absolute possessiveness towards him that cannot be tolerated at all provocative.

Even if he had told him before to let him find a younger and simpler man, that was not Su Yan's true thoughts.

At this time, Su Yan was the real one.

Bullying doesn't make sense at all.

Xia Ting sat on the bed late, so full of sourness that he couldn't even move his fingers.

When he was a child, he hid in his bed and read "The Daughter of the Sea", and every time he saw the ending, he would feel heartbroken——

In order to drink the witch's medicine with the prince, the little mermaid has legs that can walk on land. But every step she took, she would be like walking on the tip of a knife.

That story always made him sad.

Because what the little mermaid has to endure is not just one severe pain.

But with every step, every step forward, always embedded in her destiny, endless pain.

During this time he often remembered this story.

The affair between Su Yan and Wen Zichen was like a long nail digging into his heart - it didn't kill him, but it wanted him to hurt badly.

It hurts when breathe, it hurts when walk, and it hurts when miss Su Yan with this heart.

Xia Tingwan covered her face, curled up into the bed, and finally couldn't control herself and started to cry.

He wanted Su Yan so much.

So much like the little mermaid in the story, even if one step hurts, he has to clench his teeth and run towards Su Yan.

The desire for a person is extreme, and it is not clear whether it is humble or stupid.

He never dared to ask, because he was afraid that Su Yan would not want to say it, but more because he was afraid that he would be unbearable.

He endured it until it was confirmed that Su Yan still had love for him, and finally said it.

He just wanted Su Yan to tell him why.

He just wanted Su Yan to see his wound, hug him, and kiss him.

But is this even just an extravagant wish?

Xia Ting shed tears silently, and didn't know how long it was, maybe an hour, maybe two hours, he didn't even have the strength to look at the time.

His mouth was bitter, and the tears were condensed on his face, which was astringent and uncomfortable.

Su Yan did not come back, and the lights in the room were not turned on.

He suddenly remembered that when Zhang Xueqiao was angry with him when he was a child, he would lock him in the dark and cold corridor outside the door. No matter how much he cried, he would not open the door.

He huddled in the corner, just like now.

At that time, for some reason, he always believed that there was a man-eating monster lurking around the corner of the corridor, walking towards him step by step.

He would close his eyes tremblingly, count to a hundred, and then open them.

Every time he opened his eyes, he thought he would suddenly see the door open and there was a warm light inside.

Once not, once again, again.

He kept crying and opened his eyes, but the door never opened.

Xia Ting thought about it late, and closed her eyes a little silly.

1,2,3,4…

He quietly counted in his heart.

He kept counting, kept counting, perhaps because he felt panic in his heart, the more he counted, the slower he got.

87, 88, ...

It was almost ninety, he thought lonely, maybe, no one would come.

Just then, he heard the bedroom door being pushed open with a bang.

Suddenly, he felt the quilt being lifted up violently, and with the smell of cold perfume, he was already held in a familiar embrace.

Su Yan hugged him.

He hugged him so tightly that his chest hurt, as if he wanted to press him into his chest.

"I'm sorry." Su Yan's voice sounded almost fragmented because of the pain. He kissed Xia Tingwan's ear over and over to apologize: "I'm sorry, my baby. I'm sorry, I hurt you, I know, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, you are my most cherished baby in this world, and no one can compare to you."

"I'm in so much pain, Tingting, I don't know how to explain it. After I divorced you - that kind of pain, that kind of pain is about to tear me apart, I never knew there would be such extreme pain in this world. I don't know how to get through it, every day is like a walking dead, I can't eat, I can't drink, I'm so desperate, I can't have you anymore, but I can't live anymore. I just want to struggle, Wen Zi Chen said that he can stay with me, and it will pass. For a moment, I just want to hear that sentence, 'It will pass', I just want to pass."

——

Xia Tingwan hugged Su Yan backhand.

Su Yan put his arms around him and repeated in a low voice, "Please forgive me."

He couldn't answer, but he couldn't help crying like a child, his snot and tears streaming down together, and he just wiped it on Su Yan's shirt.

Su Yan pressed him under his body like a little beast, cupped his face with both hands, leaned over and kissed his forehead.

Xia Tingwan opened her eyes wide and looked up at Su Yan.

A soft kiss on the forehead made him suddenly feel small.

As if in the deep eyes of this man, he was still just a little boy.

Maybe he always will be.

They hugged tightly.

It rained non-stop that night. For the first time, Su Yan didn't go back to the Unicom bedroom in the study, but slept with him.

Xia Ting nestled in Su Yan's arms in the evening. He kicked the pillow that had placed his right foot under the bed, and then put his leg on Su Yan's body as before.

Su Yan rubbed his back and said slowly, "Tingting, do you know the story of 'Mao Lao Shizi'?"

Xia Tingwan shook his head dazedly.

"That is, when cats get older and regenerate kittens, they eat the kittens after giving birth."

Su Yan stroked Xia Tingwan's hair, those light gray eyes looked at him, but they seemed to be cast in a very distant place again: "This is what my mother told me when I was a child. In fact, I still don't know if it is Really. My mother said - the reason cats do this is because when they are old, they know they can't take care of the kittens anymore, so they just eat the kittens. It's like if the mother cat's nest is disturbed, if she When they can't transfer or protect the kittens, they also choose to eat the kittens. My mother told me that this is the old cat's futile protection for the kittens. The love is too strong, and when it is frustrated, it wants to destroy it."

Su Yan paused for a while when he said this. He seemed to be caught up in his memories. After a long silence, he said softly, "Before my mother was hospitalized for depression, she wanted to kill herself with me."

Xia Tingwan raised her head suddenly.

In the night, Su Yan's expression was very calm.

"It was also a rainy night, just like tonight. My mother was wearing silk white pajamas. She took medicine every day. She was very thin and thin, and she was not as beautiful as before. She took my hand and walked to the attic, I I still remember that her hands were so cold. She kept holding me on the edge of the balcony and rubbed my head gently, and she told me - Dad has become bad, and we can never be the same again. So she To take me to a beautiful place, a place where there is no pain. It rained so hard that night and the crackling rain fell on our faces and I was so freaked out, so when it was about to happen, I used I tried my best to push her away, then ran downstairs to find my dad. My dad was furious, and soon, my mom was taken to the hospital and never went home."

"I lost my mind for a while, my mother wanted to take me to death, it scared me, but I still miss her, really, I miss her."

Xia Tingwan couldn't say a word, she could only look at Su Yan with trembling.

"Tingting, you said,"

Su Yan suddenly lowered his head and asked softly, "Does my mother love me? Even if...she did that."

Xia Tingwan couldn't help but nodded vigorously: "she loves. She must love you."

Su Yan lowered his eyes, a slight smile appeared on his face, shy like a child, and a little relieved: "I think so too."

"Later, I always thought about the story of Mao Lao Shizi. My mother was not in good health and her mental state was worse in those years. She had been taking medicine, but she was still hysterical from time to time. Every day, she was struggling to get by. I just met When I was walking, my mother said that she hoped the whole world would treat me kindly, but she could no longer protect me in that state. She must be in pain, so she wanted to walk with me. In fact, she was just afraid that I would pass Not happy, right?"

"Yes."

Xia Tingwan couldn't help sobbing, he tried to control himself and hugged Su Yan, and whispered: "She is ill, so she thought that she was protecting you, like an old cat - futile protection. But that It doesn't affect her love for you from the bottom of her heart. Because she loves you, she wants to be with you forever, even in the dark. It's like the "Wonder Talk" we watched together. Su Yan, your mother loves you."

"Yeah." Su Yan replied, "I know."

He stroked Xia Tingwan's arm and whispered: "During this time, I gradually understand my mother better, and sometimes I even think that I am a bit like my mother in my bones. I want to protect the people I love, But once I get frustrated, I can't bear it. In fact, there are many helpless things in human life. When I feel powerless, especially in front of my loved ones, I feel very weak and feel very painful and desperate. After I figured it out, I'm not afraid of her anymore, I miss her very much. Tingting. "

Xia Ting had a sour nose, hugged Su Yan's neck, and pressed the man's head to her chest.

Their heartbeats overlapped.

He felt distressed for Su Yan, as if his heart was being clenched tightly.

In fact, during this time, when he was reflecting on himself, he thought a lot.

Humans are animals that yearn for love.

If there is no love, you will doubt the meaning of your existence.

But the whole learning process of the first reception, first groping, and first feedback of love happened in a small home.

If you lose the experience of love in the process of growing up, your whole life will be affected.

Very lost, very angry, I feel sorry for my irrelevant self, and I also feel that the world is disgusting.

Just like him in the past.

But everyone can't choose their own family.

Some people are very rich, and those who have been deeply loved have a special happy temperament.

Even if he looks plain and his achievements are ordinary, he still has a kind of vigorous self-confidence and high spirits at first glance.

But other people are poor, and poverty makes them vulnerable and want to seize everything.

Neither Su Yan nor him are rich people.

Even if their childhood home is far away from them.

They have grown up, they are men in their twenties or thirties, but they are still afraid of that kind of poverty.

He just wanted to tell Su Yan, don't doubt, that kind of love, even if it is morbid, is hideous for a moment.

- But it's also love.

Grab it and believe it.

Because he knew that if it were himself, he would want to make the same choice.

If there is not a lot, just a little bit, even if only a little bit of love can be found in the ruins of the former home when it collapsed, it will be satisfying.

want to be loved.

Because, if you are not loved, you are so lonely, so lonely.