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Chapter 40
Chapter 40
Tingting, see the letter.
In the early morning of the day I left Xiangshan, it snowed in H city.
When I was sitting in the car, I wanted to call Auntie Rong and ask her to prepare the scarf and ear bag for you.
But thinking of how sad my departure will make you, you suddenly feel that you are hypocritical, so you don't fight.
I have always missed you. You take care of yourself and don't freeze.
The night before I went on a business trip to the United States, you asked me if I would still write poetry for you.
I said yes.
But somehow, I couldn't write anything for so many days.
I don't really have any talent, just because I was fortunate enough to meet you, so this ordinary heart gave birth to a lot of romance out of thin air.
But when life came to a difficult time, I couldn't get up again. No matter what words I wrote when I started to write, I felt heavy and depressed when I saw it.
Do you blame me.
Lu Mao said, if you don't sleep well, you have lost a lot of weight.
I was really sad to hear that.
I know I owe you a lot of explanations, but many things are troublesome even if they are written, so every time I try to speak, I end up giving up.
sorry.
Let me start from the beginning.
Long before your car accident, I had a vague feeling that something was wrong with my body.
It's just that was too busy during that time, and there was friction in relationship with you, and the medical examination was dragged on.
During your hospitalization more than a month after your car accident, I was sent to the emergency department in Xiangshan because of breathing difficulties. After that, the doctor diagnosed that my heart’s mitral and tricuspid valves were severely damaged and needed to be completely replaced.
My mother's family has a history of genetic heart disease, so I was born with a weak heart.
Due to my constitution and the need to completely replace multiple valves, my surgery failure rate is higher than others. Once the surgery fails or the postoperative lesions are caused by the inappropriate replacement of the valve, there is a certain degree of risk of death.
When I heard the news, I felt like my whole world was over.
I think of you still lying in the hospital bed, and feel that life has slipped into endless darkness, and there is nothing I can do.
Tingting, I once told that I made up my mind to divorce on the day of your car accident.
Of course lied to you, sorry.
Ever since I met you, I've never had a single day that I didn't love you.
I love you when you are shining;
When you are powerless and depressed, I love you;
Even when you drink and drive and hurt someone in your hospital bed, I still love you heartily.
If I hadn't been powerless over my own destiny, I would never have let you go.
I decided to divorce on the day I learned of my disease.
I choose to hide all this from you, handle Yin Ning's affairs in private, and then divorce you calmly.
My darling, I imagine you're reading this, perhaps in tears of unwarranted self-blame and confusion, and it makes me sad.
It was never my intention to make you sad, it's just that sometimes I can't control myself.
I feel pain, pain for you.
Because the man who married you is so disgusting and weak.
When I stand in the moment and look back countless times at that decision I made a few months ago, I may not even fully understand it myself.
Is this really necessary?
I think you must have this question.
Just like now you have the same question, do I really need to leave?
I did not suffer from a terminal illness, and everything is not irreversible, but I always solve it secretly behind your back, like a superfluous game, a crappy defection.
This is difficult for any normal person to understand.
Tingting, while I am writing these words to explain to you, I am also trying to understand myself.
The environment I grew up in made me good at silence, and I always obeyed my family and my parents in my actions, but in my heart, I always felt loss and pain.
I am an unhappy person.
Perhaps because I have grown accustomed to being unhappy since I was a child, I gradually stopped trying to find the meaning of my life, and it seems that there is nothing wrong with living like this.
But after having you, everything changed.
Tingting, I lost the ability to please myself early, and only when I satisfy you can I truly be happy.
After marrying you, I did everything I could to pamper you and protect you.
When you are happy, my heart feels as sweet as bathed in a fragrant rose garden.
I'm addicted to having sex with you, and as long as you orgasm under me, no release is required, and I can feel the passion and joy that bursts out of my body.
When I'm with you, I really live in this world.
I breathe the air you breathe, I touch you, and I see the most beautiful scenery in life through your eyes.
Being able to marry you is the happiest thing in my life.
But my love is so sick, even now, when I write these words, I still feel extremely ashamed.
After your car accident, all my beliefs collapsed.
You deserve to be loved in a better way—
I should let you grow up smoothly, hold your hand and patiently let you touch the endless splendor and helplessness of life;
I should be stronger, strong enough to let go and watch you fall a few somersaults and get up again, I should teach you to read O. Henry, and I should have enough experience to tell you that life is a tearful smile.
But I can't.
All of this is because my nature is weak, and there are few smiles and sweetness in my life, so I am reluctant to let you cry and hurt you.
I have never experienced my selfishness and incompetence before. During the five years of my life when I was most strategized and confident, I failed to bring the best of my life to you.
I think of you lying in a pool of blood, of my illness, and of the years to come, that I may continue to be weak. I'm eleven years older than you, and from now on I'll slide step by step from my peak to my trough, getting older and more powerless.
I completely lost all confidence.
This was the whole reason I decided to divorce.
...
I thought I had lost you completely. You never expressed your strong desire to live with me forever. Maybe after the divorce, you will find someone more beloved soon.
As soon as this thought popped up, I felt utterly disillusioned.
The doctor suggested that I have an operation within half a year. Lu Mao and his family asked me to find the best cardiologist to discuss valve replacement. Some felt that the mechanical valve was better, and some felt that the biological valve was better. There were several back and forth debates.
I just feel annoyed, in fact, thinking about it now feels very naive, but at that time I did have a very unreasonable idea——
An adult man's heart is about 300 grams, so to replace the mitral and tricuspid valves, I might have to completely replace about 1/8 of the heart.
Will my love and remembrance for you be one-eighth less?
I even resisted surgery at the thought that maybe 1/8 of my love for you would be replaced.
My firmness when I made the decision to divorce was gradually conquered by my instincts. I miss you every day, and that painful miss is about to wipe out all my hopes for life.
But to my surprise, even if I chose to leave first, you are so proud that you still persistently return to Xiangshan again and again and ask me if I still love you.
At first I thought you were just unsuitable, and because of your responsibility to Yin Ning, but I gradually, clumsily and pleasantly realized that maybe... you really don't want to let me go.
Tingting, you won't give up on me or hand me over to others.
You are willing to grow for me, you love me.
Can you imagine the ecstasy and panic that such a realization was for me.
I started to want to go back.
Even if such a U-turn makes the divorce seem so stupid and ridiculous, I can't help but want to be close to you.
I longed to return to you, just like the longing for life instinctively revived in my body.
...
When I went to the United States on a business trip before, although there were some company affairs to be dealt with, more of it was to discuss the operation with the cardiologist over there, and finally decided to replace it with a biological valve, and the operation was scheduled for this month.
I did ask the doctor if I could have sex with you, and after I got a positive answer, I couldn't help but have it with you.
But there are always unexpected things, maybe I am too excited, so suddenly my heart can't handle it.
This caught me off guard. I had set it up and waited for your audition to end, so I used an excuse to go on a business trip to secretly perform surgery. If it goes well, you may not even notice that this is happening.
Everything didn't go as I expected, I could only flee in a hurry, shame and lame, and I didn't even think about how to explain it to you.
After you came back to Fragrant Hill, I started to do everything I could to survive this battle in a healthy way,
But there are a lot of things out of my grasp after all, like that fixed seven percent failure rate.
Seven percent, how much?
I guess literally not much. But Tingting, I am really scared.
I want to be with you for a lifetime.
Because of this, I was so afraid of death that I felt shivering even thinking of the word timidly.
I am afraid to leave you.
I am afraid of leaving you in this world, afraid that you will be sad for me.
I'm afraid that you will foolishly think of me year after year, and paradoxically, I'm also afraid that you will have a new life in a few years and leave me alone in a lonely ghost.
But these fears are not comparable to the fear of "facing" the matter itself.
I imagined that seven percent chance, and imagined that you were holding my hand shaking and looking me in the eye as I was pushed into the operating room on the bed.
You have to wait anxiously outside the operating room staring at the red light, just like I was sitting in the corridor waiting for you on the night of the car accident, you have to keep guessing about my life and death, how scared and how lonely you should be.
I imagine that 7%, if I leave, you will cry to the ground in the hospital, but I can no longer hold you in my arms to coax you.
I can't bear to imagine this.
Do you remember the story of "Old Cat Eater"?
That was my deepest fear, and it was a knot in my heart throughout my life.
When I'm weak and helpless, when I can't protect you, Tingting, my sense of powerlessness drives me crazy, and I even want to devour you to avoid the fear that follows you around.
I can't face it.
My beautiful, radiant little peacock, I know you've grown up.
When you resolutely decided to take responsibility for Yin Ning, when you decided to make a movie seriously and take the next road well, when you were able to survive the criticism of public opinion unscathed, you were already a real man .
But I still make this decision, not because I don't trust you, but because of my own cowardice and cowardice.
Please forgive me and please don't hate me.
Please allow me to sneak away and face this battle alone.
wait for me.
If you can't wait...
forget me.
Su Yan.
...
Xia Tingwan held the plain white letterhead, stumbled and strode upstairs, and slammed open the door of Su Yan's study.
He hurriedly walked behind Su Yan's mahogany table and stared at the huge golden Dortling Berlin safe. After a long, long time, he opened the safe with his fingerprints and the password in his memory.
With a slow and heavy muffled sound, the door of the safe slowly opened.
In the most central file grid, a folder is clearly placed.
Xia Ting took a deep breath and slowly opened the folder.
Although he had vaguely guessed the contents of the document, his body couldn't help shaking.
The documents there are very thick, but in fact, the meaning has been clearly explained on the first page, and all the documents that follow are just a list of properties——
After Su Yan's death, except for the shares of Hengtai Group, all private assets at home and abroad under his name were transferred to him.
Xia Tingwan's hand trembled, and a small leather bag fell out of the folder.
He bent down to pick up the small bag and opened the tether, but all the emotions that were forcibly suppressed finally burst out uncontrollably when he saw what was inside.
Xia Ting sat paralyzed on the ground late, the expression on his face was unclear whether he was crying or laughing.
Only in the moonlight-
An emerald ring twirled gently on the mahogany floor.
"Tingting, wear this ring for the rest of your life."