Chapter 12

Chapter 12

A month earlier, spring was in full bloom.

Spring was the peak season for mental health issues.

The warm sunlight, the rising temperatures, and the sweet melodies of birds and fragrant flowers appeared idyllic, but they stirred up uncontrollable emotions deep within one's soul, like a wild beast caged within, restless and ready to burst forth at any moment.

Duan Yaoguang rode his bicycle through half the city to attend a therapy session for Borderline Personality Disorder. Today, the institution had organized a picnic in the park for several patients and a volunteer, providing an opportunity for them to share their experiences with one another.

The group consisted of an anorexic girl who was dangerously thin; a man who had failed in his entrepreneurial endeavors, gone bankrupt with three million yuan in debt, and was now battling depression at home; a high school sophomore who had dropped out due to bullying; and a single mother struggling with bipolar disorder. All of them sat together, sharing their experiences of grappling with their respective illnesses. After listening to stories of self-destruction, financial ruin, eating feces in school, being deceived into becoming a mistress, and then being callously discarded, it was finally Duan Yaoguang's turn to speak. He pondered deeply, struggling to find something worth sharing.

"I don't really have anything significant to share," Duan Yaoguang said, feeling somewhat ashamed. His life experiences seemed insignificant compared to those of his fellow patients.

A kind volunteer prompted him, "You can also talk about your feelings. Anything is okay."

"That's right," the bankrupt brother encouraged, "don't worry."

Duan Yaoguang thought seriously for a moment before saying, "I've had BPD since I was young. My mom is very dominant and controlling, which left me with quite a few childhood traumas. I used to do well academically when I was younger, but from high school onwards, it became difficult. I couldn't concentrate, my relationship with my family was a mess, I chose a major I disliked in college, and spent all my time escaping reality by playing games and reading novels in my dorm. It was only in these virtual worlds that I felt safe. In the end, I didn't learn much and had to withdraw from university last year."

"Back home, my family arranged a job for me without knowing about my dropout status. But I don't want to return," Yan Guang said. "I must escape my family of origin, but I can't find a proper job, so I work odd jobs just to get by. Until now, I've often relied on friends' help. I'm currently living in a friend's place with an uncertain job. I want to write novels and publish them online, become independent first. As for my family, let's leave it at that. I don't want to go back. Our relationship is in a state of estrangement."

Everyone nodded, and Yan Guang smiled. "Not worth mentioning, all my own doing." He then addressed the sophomore boy, "If you can endure, finish your senior year and go to college. It will get better."

The sophomore nodded.

"You mentioned BPD as your condition. What's that?" the single mother asked. "Is it BD?"

"No," Yan Guang explained. "It stands for Borderline Personality Disorder. I have both dependency and hostility towards others. I tend to idealize people close to me and become overly reliant on friends. Once disappointed, I can't help but hate them. I frequently swing between intense intimacy and extreme resentment."

The single mother commented, "Sounds a bit like our manic episodes."

"Indeed," Yan Guang chuckled. "There was also a long period where I felt empty, meaningless, and very pessimistic. In the year I graduated from college, when I couldn't obtain my diploma, I even attempted suicide but was saved by a friend."

"That friend of yours is truly kind," the sophomore boy said enviously.

Yan Guang replied, "The person who provided me shelter and saved me aren't the same, but they've been my sources of dependency for a while. I'm striving to overcome this dependence within myself. I don't want to lose such friends again."

"Have you ever been in a romantic relationship?" the skinny girl with anorexia asked.

"No," Duan Yaoguang replied.

The high school sophomore said, "Brother, you're quite handsome. Surely there have been girls who've confessed to you, right? You don't want to accept them? Is it because you think love is painful?"

Duan Yaoguang thought for a moment and answered, "I'm gay."

"Oh..." Everyone nodded in understanding.

The picnic suddenly fell silent.

The bankrupt man kept smoking, then spoke after a while, "Feeling that life is meaningless is understandable. I feel the same way. What's the point of living, really?"

The volunteer said, "There are so many beautiful things to experience. Living in the present is the best. Look, the scenery now, the warm spring, these are all reasons why we live."

The bankrupt man continued, disregarding the others, "People are born to be weary, it's inevitable. We spend our lives bustling about, and in the end, no one can escape death. We all die, and eventually, the Earth will perish too. Civilizations are just fleeting moments in time. Humans and ants are no different."

He extinguished his cigarette on an ant on the grass, symbolizing the ruthless domination of higher dimensions over lower ones. His nihilistic explanation was out of place, but no one could refute it.

The volunteer tried earnestly to infuse hope back into the picnic, restoring its original atmosphere. The event ended with a group photo, capturing the patients' bleak thoughts of the world, yet their faces radiating with vibrant energy and smiles.

Exiting the park, Duan Yaoguang felt not only unsatisfied but also worsened in health. He grabbed a bowl of noodles at the foot of his building before rushing back to his dim and dilapidated city apartment. This was a small, pre-prepared school district property that his college buddy had set aside for his own family's use after marriage, for when their children grew up and needed to attend school.

The twelve-square-meter studio contained a tiny bathroom, a bed, a computer desk, and a chair. In the corner, there was an electric rice cooker resting on the floor.

Duan Yaoguang shifted the pile of clothes from the chair onto the bed, sat down, and opened his laptop. Gazing at the "novel" he had written over the past few days, he found it utterly uninteresting. He fell into a long cycle of self-doubt and self-denial. Each night, he would type thousands of words, only to wake up the next morning and view them as trash, starting anew with another story. Day after day, his hard drive accumulated dozens of beginnings, none of which exceeded twenty thousand characters, let alone being publishable. This constant self-critique was driving him mad.

Perhaps I should just take a nap first.

Duan Yaoguang moved the clothes back onto the chair and lay down to sleep. At four in the afternoon, amidst his chaotic dreams, he heard voices. His eyes cracked open to see his good friend Liang Jue and his girlfriend Little Ya, who had arrived uninvited. One was sitting by the bed, effortlessly opening his laptop, while the other started tidying up his room.

Duan Yaoguang: "..."

Flipping onto his side, Duan Yaoguang found himself unsure of what to say and decided to pretend he was still asleep.

"You should have listened to me and brought a dehumidifier," Little Ya said. "It's not rainy season yet, but it'll be humid soon."

The room was dimly lit. Liang Jue glanced at the computer screen, finding no games, and casually opened a few web pages. "The old one's done for. Let's order a new one online and have it delivered."

Little Ya opened the wardrobe, took out hangers, and began hanging the clothes strewn across the chair, smoothing out each item before returning it to its place.

"What are we having for dinner tonight?" Little Ya asked with a smile. "Should we try out that new BBQ place?"

In his bed, Yuan Guang sighed. Liang Jue had been his roommate in college since the first day they met, treating him like a boyfriend – gentle and attentive, as if spring rain nourished every part of his life. Tall, handsome, and from a wealthy family, Liang Jue did everything a husband would do except share a bed with him. For a while, Yuan Guang, who had always lacked affection, felt both flattered and fantasized about their relationship. They spent so much time together that many assumed they were a couple.

Could one man genuinely care for another without expecting anything in return? Yes, Liang Jue was the perfect example. Of course, during their four years at university, they had their fair share of conflicts and misunderstandings. Yuan Guang, with his issues, often acted like an insensitive and easily angered girlfriend in their relationship, like a mushroom growing in a dark corner, exuding gloominess. He'd nitpick at Liang Jue for insignificant things, like forgetting to call him for meals or constantly gaming in the dorm. Their roommates observed them like spectators, analyzing the dynamics of their emotional rollercoaster.

Unfailingly, it was Liang Jue who would eventually smooth things over. They traveled together, stayed up all night gaming, and celebrated each other's birthdays.

After graduation, Liang Jue promptly followed his family's arrangement and went on a speed dating event, where he met his current girlfriend, Little Ya. Gentle, graceful, and understanding, Little Ya seemed tailor-made for Liang Jue.

Thankfully, Yuan Guang hadn't lost his head and fallen in love with him... Their ambiguous relationship, part friendship, part something more, ended abruptly when Liang Jue started dating. Yuan Guang had decided to cut off contact, pretending he no longer existed.

But months later, Liang Jue used all his connections to find Yuan Guang, who had left without a word. He repeatedly visited, insisting on taking the unemployed and struggling Yuan Guang back home, vowing to support his best friend as he once promised, "I'll take care of you."

Yuan Guang was overwhelmed by this love, which felt like a mountain too heavy to bear, yet he had nowhere else to go. Reluctantly, he allowed Liang Jue to push him into their small, dilapidated apartment. From then on, Liang Jue and Little Ya frequently visited, inviting Yuan Guang to join their double dates. Twice a week, they treated him to better meals and discussed the future when he'd become a successful author, feeding both his empty stomach and wounded spirit.

Little Ya was incredibly kind. Not only did she not look down on her fiancé's impoverished brother, but she genuinely cared for Yuan Guang as if he were already part of the family.

In this friendship, everyone was happy except Yuan Guang. To repay Liang Jue's expectations, he found a job that allowed him some independence. Working eight hours a day, he deleted all games from his computer and forced himself to sit in front of the screen for eight hours daily, even if he couldn't write, believing in Liang Jue's conviction that he would someday achieve fame and fortune like some online authors.

It was a profound and touching display of trust. To Yan Guang, it felt like he was a turtle trapped beneath a stone slab, bearing the weight of an old, dilapidated house along with the radiant sculpture of Liang Jue and his girlfriend's future aspirations. He struggled to crawl forward on his life's journey, always thinking he had moved an inch, only to realize he hadn't budged at all.

"Are you awake?" Little Ya asked.

"Mm," Yan Guang replied, sitting up amidst his disheveled hair.

Liang Jue glanced back at him and reached out to ruffle Yan Guang's hair.

Yan Guang jumped off the bed and headed for the bathroom to take a shower.

"You need a haircut," Little Ya said. "Both of your hairs are getting a bit long."

Just then, there was a ting as the pendant Yan Guang had left on the desk by his computer fell to the floor.

Little Ya immediately picked it up. It was a hexagonal crystal that Yan Guang would keep beside him while sleeping.

"It's okay," Liang Jue said, reassured that it wasn't broken, and placed it back where it belonged.

"I thought I was going to have a heart attack," Little Ya said, still shaken from the fear of damaging something of Yan Guang's.

Liang Jue waved his hand, dismissing any concerns.

Duan Yaoguang hastily took a shower and changed his clothes. Upon wearing the pendant, he looked much more refreshed. He was quite handsome, possessing the type of appearance that girls tended to adore. His average height was more than adequate, and his skin, due to minimal sun exposure, was as white as milk. His slender physique, a result of irregular meals, accentuated his long limbs and delicate features. His bright eyes held a hint of melancholy and sadness, which often made girls feel a desire to care for him.

Guys, on the other hand, found him non-threatening and were often triggered to exhibit a protective "older brother" instinct. Liang Jue was a prime example; he felt it was his responsibility to look after his helpless friend.

As night fell, Duan Yaoguang closed his laptop and followed Liang Jue and Little Ya, who were holding hands, to go have some grilled meat.