Chapter 47 Do You Like Me as a Person, or My Body…

Chapter 47: Do You Love Me, or My Body?

The man, in the midst of changing his outer robe, paused, his eyelashes flickering almost imperceptibly. His back was to Zhu Yinluan as he stood by the screen, and the bronze mirror on the dressing table was elsewhere, preventing her from seeing his expression. Thus, Zhu Yinluan, who had been keenly observing Shen Jingzhan’s reactions, noticed nothing amiss.

"...Mmm," Shen Jingzhan softly affirmed.

He hung his outer robe on the huanghuali clothes rack, then walked over to wash his hands.

In a gentle voice, he explained, "State affairs demanded attention today, and the Emperor issued an urgent summons. Before I left for the palace, I mentioned to Mother that you were feeling unwell, but I worried she might not understand your temperament and cause you undue trouble. So, I instructed the household attendants to keep an eye out and report to me at once if anything arose."

It seemed the imperial physician’s words were indeed due to Shen Jingzhan having received a message and discreetly pulled some strings.

Hearing this, Zhu Yinluan’s mind settled.

Yet, moments later, as she watched the man drying his hands, she suddenly recalled the time at the Wei residence...

Back then, the same imperial physician had taken her pulse and phrased it much as he had to Mrs. Shen today—that her health was excellent, with no issues.

But at that time, she and Shen Jingzhan hadn’t even known each other.

Wasn’t that far too coincidental? What exactly was amiss here?

Somehow, Zhu Yinluan felt an inexplicable sense of disconnect, though she couldn’t pinpoint the exact source.

"Luan’er, what’s on your mind?" He had already set down the towel and sat beside her.

"N-Nothing."

She had no intention of sharing her thoughts with Shen Jingzhan.

Even if they were allies, complete transparency was neither necessary nor wise.

Life had taught her well; allowing others to know your every secret would only invite their scorn. One must always maintain a degree of reserve in both conduct and speech.

Since she didn’t wish to speak, Shen Jingzhan, being perceptive, didn’t press further.

His hand reached toward her, moving in the direction of her lower abdomen.

Zhu Yinluan instinctively recoiled. "..."

His hand, much like the night before when he’d tried to hold hers, closed around empty air, pausing mid-motion.

Zhu Yinluan herself didn’t understand why she had reflexively pulled away. The moment Shen Jingzhan reached for her, her body had reacted before her mind could catch up.

Perhaps it was because she’d resolved earlier that day to no longer indulge in his touch so freely.

If she did, that hunger for greater intimacy with him might surge again, tempting her to make those wordless, shameless pleas in bed—pleas she could hardly bring herself to voice. That must be why she reacted this way.

The man didn’t seem embarrassed. He withdrew his hand, studying her flustered expression, and asked with an easy smile, "Luan’er, are you afraid of me?"

Zhu Yinluan hastily shook her head.

The pearls at her temples shivered, emitting faint, pleasant chimes as she insisted, "No."

"Then why?" He sought an explanation.

"I..." How could she explain?

Should she outright tell Shen Jingzhan that she loved kissing him, loved being held while he traced his lips over every inch of her body?

That she adored the way his large hands roamed and teased her skin?

That she... even longed for more than just his fingers, yearning to take things further with him?

No. She’d rather die than admit that.

How could she possibly say such things?

Merely thinking about it made her squirm.

Her mind raced for an answer until the young maids entered to set the table. Spotting the round dining table, she finally grasped at an excuse, lowering her voice to murmur, "I just think... we should maintain some distance."

"Has Luan’er already learned how to moan?" So she no longer needed his help.

Though they were alone in the inner chamber, with the young maids bustling in the outer room at a safe distance, and though his voice was soft enough not to carry, Shen Jingzhan’s blunt mention of "moaning" instantly painted Zhu Yinluan’s cheeks a flush of rose.

Not only did her face burn, but she also snapped her gaze up at him, eyes wide with shock and disbelief, as if silently demanding: *How can you say such things where others might hear?*

Meeting her gaze, Shen Jingzhan found her expression utterly endearing, and the corners of his lips lifted further despite himself. "My apologies. That was improper."

Zhu Yinluan, "..."

She glanced toward the door, gripping the hand warmer tightly as she struggled to suppress her embarrassment. "You mustn’t speak like this in front of others. What if someone overhears—"

He could have reassured her that no one in his household would dare gossip, but Shen Jingzhan refrained. Instead, he nodded obligingly. "Very well. As Luan’er says."

Her face was far too red. Shen Jingzhan poured her a cup of tea.

Zhu Yinluan took a sip, and it did help somewhat.

Once composed, she answered his earlier question. "...It’s not what you assumed."

Without Shen Jingzhan, coaxing those wanton sounds from her own lips at night was... still rather challenging. Even though she was far more knowledgeable now than at the start, with some experience under her belt, the Old Mamas were seasoned observers. If they noticed discrepancies compared to previous nights, it might backfire and reveal the ruse.

"It’s just that I feel..." She trailed off, hesitating.

"Speak freely, Luan’er. As I’ve said before, you needn’t hold back with me."

His tone was mild, his expression unchanged, as if her earlier evasion hadn’t upset him in the slightest.

Seeing this, Zhu Yinluan’s heart steadied somewhat.

Come to think of it, Shen Jingzhan’s reaction was only natural. He held no tenderness for her, so her distance wouldn’t anger him—at most, it might puzzle him.

By now, Zhu Yinluan had also finally pieced together why Shen Jingzhan had chosen to marry *her*—a woman discarded after four years of marriage, with neither power nor influence.

Because her heart was "dead," and her lack of status made her easily controlled and managed. If she ever breached their initial agreement, he could simply divorce her.

Even if she had her adoptive parents’ support, her maternal family, the Shi clan, was after all just a cadet branch of the Shens. Would they truly openly oppose the Shens for her sake?

To be fair, Shen Jingzhan was handsome, gentle, and considerate in his actions. When playing their roles, he called her "Luan'er" so naturally that neither Mrs. Shen nor the matriarch of the Shen family could find fault with his performance.

If she had been an unmarried maiden, she might not have been able to resist his tender care.

Yet precisely because of this, she couldn't betray Shen Jingzhan's trust. She couldn't allow herself to like him—not even simply enjoying the intimacy between them. That would already be entanglement, a betrayal.

Thinking about it, Zhu Yinluan felt all the more that her period had arrived at just the right time.

It allowed her to "set things straight" and calm down.

"What we have is merely..." She didn't say "pretending," but someone as perceptive as Shen Jingzhan would surely understand.

"So I think there's no need for such intimate closeness in private. It's inappropriate."

She meant they should keep some distance.

After she finished speaking, Shen Jingzhan remained silent for quite a while, simply gazing at her slightly lowered face.

After a pause, he spoke—not addressing the matter directly, but instead with concern. "Luan'er, is your hand warmer cold? Let me get you a new one."

The man reached out for it but didn't take it directly.

Caught up in conversation, the hand warmer had indeed cooled.

Zhu Yinluan wanted to say that Ming Ya could replace it, but Shen Jingzhan had already risen, so she handed it over.

The hand warmer was small, and during the exchange, Zhu Yinluan was extremely careful to avoid touching Shen Jingzhan's hand.

The man looked down at her cautious movements, silently.

Zhu Yinluan didn't realize that his gaze fixed on her hand held a shadowed intensity.

She only wondered—had Shen Jingzhan reached out earlier to test the warmth of the hand warmer for her?

Probably so.

Once again, she had misunderstood his intentions.

She sighed inwardly. Realizing the truth, she could only let out a useless sigh in her heart.

Despite the misunderstanding, the decision she had made earlier still needed to be carried out.

Originally, she had planned to ask Shen Jingzhan for a clear response after he replaced the hand warmer, so they could reach an agreement regarding future interactions.

But the young maids had already set out the meal, so Zhu Yinluan had to go and eat first.

In front of the young maids, both maintained their usual tacit understanding.

Shen Jingzhan took care of her as always, occasionally serving her dishes and soup, urging her to eat more.

After softly thanking him, Zhu Yinluan asked if the urgent summons to the palace today had troubled him.

Shen Jingzhan had left early and returned late, long past dinner time. Earlier, he had sent someone to inform her to dine without waiting for him, but Zhu Yinluan hadn't been hungry and had waited anyway.

Upon his return, she had immediately asked about Mrs. Shen summoning the imperial physician earlier, leaving no time for other matters.

"Not particularly troublesome. It's just that the sudden case involved many officials, including some highly respected senior ministers. The Secretariat couldn't handle it, so His Majesty summoned me."

Zhu Yinluan knew nothing of court affairs and couldn't interfere, so she simply nodded and pretended to serve him some dishes in return, encouraging him to eat more.

After dinner, they washed up and prepared for bed.

Once in bed, the inner chamber returned to silence.

"Today... did no one come from outside?" Zhu Yinluan listened carefully but wasn't entirely sure, so she asked Shen Jingzhan.

The man beside her gave a soft hum. "No one came."

It seemed Mrs. Shen had known about her period and thus hadn't sent anyone to eavesdrop.

If they didn't come today, would they stop coming in the future as well?

Her intimacy with Shen Jingzhan might very well come to a complete end because of this...

Though she felt relieved, an uncontrollable emptiness followed.

"I'd like to know why Luan’er suddenly wants to distance herself from me." He resumed the unfinished conversation from dinner.

Zhu Yinluan instinctively pressed her lips together.

Shen Jingzhan turned onto his side facing her.

Zhu Yinluan, however, remained lying flat.

She could feel his gaze—more intense than during the day.

But she couldn't avoid it.

Turning her back to him would be impolite, but facing him directly would be too awkward.

For now, she could only lie still, enduring the weight of his gaze.

Perhaps due to the tension between them, she felt his gaze was more intense than usual—even excessively heated.

She didn't dare look, so she couldn't confirm whether the strange sensation she felt was real or imagined.

In truth, it was no illusion.

In the darkness, the man had let slip a glimpse of his true, darker nature.

His gaze lingered on her smooth forehead, the delicate tip of her nose, and the faint movement of her lips as she bit them.

Shen Jingzhan had always considered himself gentle. When kissing her, he took great care to ensure her comfort, never biting or overwhelming her. He restrained himself at every step, observing her reactions clearly.

He knew her body’s responses, knew she had been eager—even mustering the courage to take things further. So why had she suddenly retreated?

It couldn’t be because of her period.

Had she noticed something unusual? But judging from her reactions earlier, it didn’t seem so.

If she had discovered anything, if she knew what he had done, she would surely avoid him—never allowing him to take her hand warmer to replace it.

"Because... aren't you saving yourself for the one you love?" After a long silence, Zhu Yinluan finally responded with this.

On their wedding night, during the latter half, she had asked him to make their act real—but he hadn't.

"When did I say I was saving myself for the one I love?" The man’s voice was low.

He truly hadn’t said it outright...

Zhu Yinluan couldn't help worrying her own lips when nervous. "I... I felt it."

Shen Jingzhan watched as she repeatedly worried her lips, his gaze growing darker as he read her distress.

Her lips were unusually soft and sweet when kissed, sweetly fragrant—whether from some lip balm or her natural sweetness, he couldn’t tell.

Several times, he'd wanted to devour them, but he had always held back.

"......"

Zhu Yinluan found Shen Jingzhan’s questions strange, but she was too flustered to think straight.

"Does Luan’er dislike being intimate with me?" he asked again.

Zhu Yinluan remained silent. She wanted to say she didn’t like it, but just yesterday, she had made the first move to touch him, wanting him...

If she said it now, he might directly call her on it, telling her she's lying.

She deflected, "We should stick to the way we originally agreed to interact."

"I’ve always followed the way we originally agreed to interact. Where have I crossed the line, making Luan'er feel that way?"

Zhu Yinluan was stumped by his reasonable argument, hesitating briefly.

Shen Jingzhan continued, "Was there something I did wrong yesterday that made Luan'er uncomfortable?"

Why did he keep bringing up yesterday?

"...No," she replied.

"Then what is it?"

She wanted him to stop asking.

After all, it was because she liked being intimate with him too much—she was afraid she'd lose control and letting things go too far...

How could she possibly put that into words?

For the first time in her life, Zhu Yinluan deeply felt how acute and paralyzing her own bashfulness was.

As she forced herself to calm down in the silence, Shen Jingzhan cut straight to the chase again.

"Luan'er suddenly avoiding contact with me isn’t because she dislikes intimacy, but because she likes it too much, isn’t that so?"

Zhu Yinluan’s eyelids twitched.

His ability to read others was uncannily accurate, leaving no room for evasion.

She didn’t respond, but her hands abruptly fisted the sheets.

In the quiet of night, even the slightest movement became obvious. Shen Jingzhan’s gaze followed.

She didn’t speak, but she had already revealed her feelings.

"If you like it, why hold back and pull away?"

It was this very sentence that made Zhu Yinluan suddenly understand what felt off about Shen Jingzhan’s behavior.

She reminded him, "You chose me in the first place because I wasn't interested in you."

"Hmm." He nodded.

"If you remember, then you shouldn’t be asking me this."

As she spoke, she turned her face slightly toward him, just barely facing him.

"Does Luan'er like me as a person, or does she like my body?"

Zhu Yinluan, "......"

Even though she already knew Shen Jingzhan was blunt, this... was way too blunt.

His tone held no trace of desire, as if they weren’t discussing intimacy between a man and a woman, but something as ordinary as drinking water or eating a meal.

"Is it hard to answer?" When he didn’t hear her response after a while, he asked again.

Zhu Yinluan, "I truly don’t know how to answer you..."

Even at this point, with just the two of them inside the bed curtains, she still couldn’t bring herself to say the word "like."

"It seems I guessed correctly." His tone was straightforward, not questioning.

As he spoke, he moved a little closer to her.

The distance between them narrowed.

Zhu Yinluan was already sleeping on the inner side of the bed, and his large frame crowding her made her feel hemmed in.

Just as she was about to tell him not to come any closer, Shen Jingzhan stopped.

He lay beside her, sharing her pillow.

Only a finger’s width remained between them.

Staring at the close-up of his handsome face, Zhu Yinluan’s nervousness didn't lessen.

"If you like it, there’s no need to suppress it," he said gently.

Shen Jingzhan’s features were elegant, his eyelashes long. When he lowered them, he always seemed gentle and harmless.

But when he opened his eyes, their depths were inscrutable.

Zhu Yinluan couldn't maintain eye contact. She looked away. "No."

"Why not?"

"This isn’t appropriate for us." She repeated her initial words.

"You have someone you like. In the future, you may..."

"May what?" he asked.

Zhu Yinluan didn’t reply.

Shen Jingzhan finished for her, "Luan'er thinks you and I will eventually separate?"

"...I’m just afraid of the possibility."

"What if the woman you like is free to marry? Wouldn’t you want to wed her then?"

"Although I hold power, marriage isn't something to be taken lightly. So, we won't be separating, and I won't marry anyone else," he said softly.

Zhu Yinluan, "...Nothing in this world is foolproof."

Didn’t Wei Ruzuo also tell her he wouldn’t take a concubine?

In the end, not only did he take a concubine, but he also planned to marry a second wife.

So, she would no longer believe in love vows. Even if written in black and white, they could still be torn up and denied.

"I understand Luan'er's concerns. We have all the time in the world."

How long had he planned carefully to marry her? There was no way he would let her divorce.

Of course, she knew nothing of this.

Zhu Yinluan remained silent.

After a pause, the man beside her continued, "If Luan'er only likes my body, you don't need to shy away from it."

Zhu Yinluan, "..."

She really wanted to tell him not to say that first part. Even though his words were calm and frank, she was still embarrassed.

"I don’t," she turned away, trying to cover her embarrassment.

"I just think it’s better to be open about this. I don’t mean to force Luan'er to admit anything."

"I know," she murmured, fingers curling against her chest, clutching a corner of the quilt.

She was the one overthinking, being difficult about it.

"Luan'er and I will spend many years together. In the future, we’ll raise children and see them start families of their own."

"We have our whole lives ahead of us. If being intimate feels good to both you and me, why avoid it?"

Zhu Yinluan caught a key phrase—he said he liked it too?

So, it wasn’t just her who liked it?

Hearing this, she relaxed slightly.

A long while passed, and Shen Jingzhan said nothing more.

He urged her to rest well, pulled the covers over her, and moved back to his side of the bed.

It took Zhu Yinluan a long time to fall asleep, but the man remained awake.

The next morning, when she woke, Shen Jingzhan had already left. Ming Ya said he had gone early for the palace and told her not to wait for him for meals.

Shen Jingzhan was busy with court affairs, which left her to her own devices.

During breakfast, Zhu Yinluan couldn’t help but recall his words from the night before.

"..."

After the meal, she wanted to find Mrs. Shen to learn accounting, but Mrs. Shen had gone out to a banquet and wasn’t home.

Zhu Yinluan wasn't comfortable going to the accounts office alone, so she stayed in the courtyard.

Shen Jingzhan returned even later than the previous day. Unable to wait for him, she had dinner first.

During her time of the month, she got sleepy easily. When it was time to sleep and Shen Jingzhan still hadn’t returned, she went to bed alone.

For the past few days, he had always been there. Suddenly sleeping alone felt oddly lonely.

Her mind wandering, she didn’t realize when she drifted off.

By the time Shen Jingzhan returned, it was late at night.

After bathing, he got into bed and saw Zhu Yinluan curled up small under the quilt, only her dark hair peeking out.

He watched for a moment, then pulled her close, kissing her cheek and then her lips.

Zhu Yinluan was fast asleep and didn’t notice.

"..."

Wei Residence, inner courtyard.

After days of careful digging, Wei Ruzuo had indeed uncovered some clues.

His men discovered that Shen Jingzhan and Zhu Yinluan had run into each other in the capital more than once—in the streets, in pharmacies, even at the opera...

She had even eaten sweets given to her by Shen Jingzhan.

On the surface, they were just sweets...

But according to the coachman who witnessed it, the gift was a fancy food box. Who knew what else might have been inside?

Perhaps there were even love notes passed between them.

At this thought, Wei Ruzuo’s face grew even darker.

"Why wasn’t I informed when Zhu Yinluan ran into the Shen family’s carriage back then?"

This matter was more to it than that.

What kind of person was Shen Jingzhan? Did he really have time to hang around those places?

With the Shen family’s high status and him being one of the Three Departments’ officials, did he really need to personally go out to buy medicine or book performers? And every time, he just kept running into Zhu Yinluan?

That carriage didn’t hit the Zhangs or the Lis—it specifically hit the Weis?

In the half-year or even year before their divorce, Zhu Yinluan had been cold toward him, even rejecting his advances. Was she saving herself for Shen Jingzhan?

Back then, when she claimed it was "not the right time," he should have investigated instead of letting her get away with it.

The coachman called in for questioning knelt on the ground, head bowed. "You were busy with official duties and hardly ever asked about the young madam's business. Besides... her handmaiden told us to keep quiet about it, so we didn’t dare breathe a word."

"Hmph..."

Not to speak of it?

Wei Ruzuo sneered, knocking the ink and brushes off the desk in fury. "Out! All of you!"

The servant led the coachman out of the study, where they encountered Fang Zhongyue outside. With a bow, he whispered a warning not to enter—the master was furious.

Fang Zhongyue smiled faintly, "Thanks for the heads-up. Since you're busy, I naturally shouldn’t disturb you. However, you haven’t eaten or drunk much these past few days. Could you take this chicken soup to him for me?"

"Don’t mention it, Madam. I’ll make sure it reaches him."

Fang Zhongyue glanced at Wei Ruzuo’s study before turning to leave.

After his furious outburst, Wei Ruzuo suddenly felt an unbearable pain in his waist. Clutching it with one hand and bracing himself against the table with the other, he collapsed awkwardly.

He sat there, hunched and catching his breath, for a long while before barely recovering.

When he opened his eyes, the sight of the chaotic mess on the floor greeted him. Among the crumpled papers, the words "medicine hall" stood out starkly, the ink bleeding through the page. Wei Ruzuo’s gaze froze.

As he stared, a strange thought suddenly crossed his mind.