Chapter 34 033 I am a eunuch! I am an old man! How can I…

Chapter 34 033 I'm a eunuch! I'm a eunuch! How could I...

"@Raccoon Lord Come play today's 'Gold Digger's Diary', eat the shit while it's hot"

Raccoon Lord frowned.

He got roasted badly last time for trashing a JuGuang game with a massive fanbase, and now the game fans recommended was clearly cashing in on the gender war trend. He'd get views, but lose his fanbase. "Not playing this. Lately I haven't been playing Valorant, so I'm low on 'fans' to lose. Don't set me up."

"Gold Digger's Diary" was the trending game among recent releases, and many fans had @ed him to play it.

But considering his high proportion of female viewers, he wisely played it safe and steered clear of that line.

After mulling it over, Raccoon Lord still clicked on the topic he'd seen before.

#Jiuwu Studio 3 Million Bet#

"Jiuwu Studio? Never heard of it!"

"Wait... holy crap, I've played their 'Swordsman Couple' and even cursed their operations. And 'Winter Melon Crazed Slashing Battle', He Jianshen didn't misjudge—they're all reskinned games. Now they've even reskinned the studio."

To outsiders, capitalists don't act on impulse.

It's always a joint publicity stunt.

On a whim, Raccoon Lord clicked the first game in the series, "Eunuch Run", and set up his stream.

Seeing some chat spamming him to play "Gold Digger's Diary", he said: "Not playing that. Haven't I been flamed enough? Plus, this weeb streamer is afraid of real people. Leave me alone. Let's play some little games to pass the time."

Before playing, Raccoon Lord had checked out the game's premise.

For a parkour game to make for good content, it usually means the streamer goes all in and screams: "Let's do a one-life speedrun as a warm-up."

"Streamer can carry even more than your backpack"

"What game is this? Looks so crappy it's actually interesting. Li Bao, be honest, did you get paid?"

When he saw that bullet comment, Raccoon Lord also felt confused—

After all, he was a million-subscriber game streamer. Why should he shill for a trash game for free?

The thought flickered and disappeared.

"I'm not paid. Hey Jiuwu Studio, if you're watching, send the sponsorship money."

With that said, Raccoon Lord clicked again to start the game.

First, a black screen with white text appeared—

"You have been castrated."

Raccoon Lord: "..."

Well, that was sudden.

"Just because I'm controlling a eunuch doesn't mean I want to become one! What's the deal, dev?"

"Never mind, let's just start playing."

"You have become the most basic eunuch in the palace"

"Your task is to deliver items to the corresponding characters. Along the way, you need to collect gold melon seeds to bribe senior eunuchs as capital for your promotion"

"Meanwhile, different level items will lead to different endings"

"You must deliver the items to the attendants as quickly as possible, but running will draw the attention of guards, who won't care about your eunuch troubles. You also need to avoid gossipy maids and beware of the attendants' lost pets. As a bottom-level figure in the palace, anyone can crush you, not to mention the most exalted existence in the palace."

"To survive..."

"Eunuch, run!"

Raccoon Lord hit confirm, and the game started.

Like all cheap small games, the first level was super easy, just a tutorial for controls.

On the second level, a gorgeous person in lavish attire blocked the way.

"This isn't hard, just dodge left..."

"Ah???"

Just as he dodged left, the beauty shifted towards him like a magnet.

"You have collided with Attendant Chen"

The chibi eunuch was face-down, a big white stain seeping from his belly.

A flood of "????" comments scrolled by.

Raccoon Lord guessed: "Because the platform won't allow red blood, they censored it to white? But why does it look even more... suggestive? You're creepy, you know!"

The next moment, a defeat CG appeared.

First, a large ink splash effect as the background. A long-haired man in an emerald green palace robe looked with disgust at the kneeling eunuch. The player's eunuch was only in the corner of the frame, while the focus was on the haughty Attendant Chen. The emerald robe was rendered with thick brushstrokes to give a sense of volume, and the eunuch's figure was deliberately shrunk, almost melting into the shadows.

"Holy crap!" No wonder Raccoon Lord was blown away; the quality of this defeat CG was on a completely different level from the previous cheap art assets.

Not only was the quality top-notch, it was gorgeous too.

The art went bold with lighting and color; the emerald robe made Attendant Chen's face even more stunning, without hiding his masculine traits.

The composition made his contemptuous stare feel like it was boring through the screen and fall upon the player in real life.

And a gorgeous guy with a look of disdain turned out to be a hit!

"He's a male consort? Hot guy, I can prprprpr"

"Whoa, amazing art like this in a crappy mini-game? No way, is it stolen?"

"I took a screenshot right away and searched; no match found anywhere on the internet!"

In the bullet comments, someone immediately questioned whether it was AI-generated.

After all, quickly cranking out super-detailed pieces that look impressive at first glance has always been AI's strength.

But those doubts were quickly drowned out by comments praising the artist: "Can't be AI. Zoom out and you'll see; the grayscale shading is excellent and packed with detail."

"Anatomy is spot-on, dynamic composition is pushed to the max. If this were AI, I'd lose my faith and my job on the spot."

"Why can't I follow what the comments are saying anymore?"

Experts focus on technique, casuals just enjoy the show.

One defeat cutscene brought out all the artists lurking in the livestream.

As the streamer, Raccoon Lord, wasn't getting paid for it, he just gave the art a quick compliment and moved on.

On his second try, he anticipated Attendant Chen's movement, but still got caught and triggered the defeat cutscene again.

"So the only way to get past this is to watch an ad?" he muttered.

Not surprising—lots of mobile games have this mechanic.

Players start level one thinking the game is for idiots, then by level two realize they're the idiots, using failure feedback to make the game go viral.

At this point, Raccoon Lord still had a sliver of hope, believing he could just brute-force it with skill.

After the seventh defeat, the chat was filled with cheerful laughter.

"Attendant Chen: 'I'm gonna cling to you forever…'"

"Just watch the ad if it's too hard!"

"No way. There's 20,000 people watching. A one-minute ad would waste 20,000 minutes total. That's too much of a loss. Let me check this out!"

On his eighth attempt at the second level, Raccoon Lord chose to take a detour, passing by the Changchun Palace where Attendant Chen resided. On the path, he spotted a maid opening the palace gate and pouring out a bowl of red soup.

When the soup hit the ground, it became an unpickable item.

However, if the player triggered a sprint early enough, they could time it perfectly to get splashed by the red soup.

"So I have to dump hot pot broth on myself?" Raccoon Lord muttered, staring at the screen.

Too focused on the game to look at chat, he went back to the road where Attendant Chen shows up—and not only did Chen not run at him, he actively dodged him. "So the hot pot broth is the key item! But why? 'Cause he's from Guangdong and can't handle spicy?"

"Seriously, this straight male streamer, that's safflower soup for inducing miscarriage!"

"Is Raccoon Baby confusing safflower with star anise in the hot pot broth?"

"Nice detail—the maid from Changchun Palace pouring safflower soup on the path—she getting rid of evidence for her mistress? So this little game actually has a story set-up?"

With the safflower soup buff, Raccoon Lord breezed through the second level.

But starting from the third level, the difficulty shot way up.

He found that even though the game was small, the map was huge. Players could try different paths within the same level, triggering different events, collecting different items, and—

"Ahhh! Why did a cat scratch my face and make me unfit to stay in the palace? Who the hell keeps a cat in the Forbidden City?!"

"Wait, I have to crawl and avoid nobles at the same time? Otherwise it's disrespect?"

"Get stared at too long by patrolling guards—executed for running in the palace? So literally anyone can mess with me?"

All kinds of defeat cutscenes!

Each one was exquisitely drawn—so beautiful that Raccoon Lord sometimes forgot to be mad and just wanted to collect 'em all.

Starting from the sixth level, Raccoon Lord collected enough gold seeds to raise his rep with Si Li Jian to intermediate, getting promoted to mid-level eunuch and a new outfit. Now when he met maids, they'd proactively avoid him.

Just as Raccoon Lord felt he'd upgraded from a slingshot to a cannon, about to go from Little Raccoon to Eunuch Raccoon, he slid past the Imperial Garden—and a flash of gold robe appeared at the corner of the screen—

"You have startled Empress Tianyang. You are sentenced to death."

"Huh?"

"What?! I didn't see anyone on my screen!"

The defeat cutscene slowly appeared.

An empress in a black dragon robe stood surrounded by golden-armored guards. She sat quietly in the pavilion, fishing, her posture elegant and composed. Her red lips curled slightly, her phoenix eyes fixed on the fish in the pond, not even sparing a glance at the eunuch who had stumbled in.

The artist who drew her must have really loved this empress. Every brushstroke dedicated to her was meticulous—while all the flashy gold went to the guards, your eyes were still drawn to that dark ink streak.

"So the gold on my screen wasn't the empress, just her guards?"

"And I still die for that?"

Raccoon Lord found it hard to believe.

Luckily, the game had no death penalty—he could just restart.

But if he died more than five times in a level, he'd have to watch an ad to continue. The previous levels hadn't needed that feature, but this level put him through a gauntlet:

"Why is Empress Tianyang everywhere?! You weren't on my screen! This is a setup! Your Majesty, you're fishing, and I'm the one who bit?"

Whenever Raccoon Lord let his guard down, he'd run into Her Majesty around a corner.

The consorts in the six palaces would probably envy how often he runs into her.

Only Raccoon Lord couldn't laugh.

The weirder the deaths, the more he refused to give up.

"Calm down. I need to calm down."

"First, no way am I going to the Imperial Garden. But I need to get this flowerpot to Jianzhang Palace, so I'll go the long way..."

Raccoon Lord moved his character, walking from the other side of the Forbidden City.

This time, while passing Yongshou Palace, he spotted a lone guard.

Unlike the usual palace guards, this one wore golden armor, marking him as one of the Empress's Golden Guard. A speech bubble appeared above his head: «I'll bury it here...»

"Bury what?" Raccoon Lord approached curiously.

The guard's bubble text turned into a huge exclamation mark.

"You have been silenced by the guard."

"After your death, the guard falsely accuses you of having an affair with Attendant Chen. The enraged Empress Tianyang has you dismembered and your ashes scattered."

Raccoon Lord: "..."

"I'm innocent, Your Majesty!"

"I'm a eunuch! I'm a palace attendant! How could I be having an affair? I'm asking you, do I have the equipment for that?"

A barrage comment reminds: "But Attendant Chen does have the equipment."

Bad news: the streamer not only got killed, but also got... you know.

"No, no, the guard is a guy, and Attendant Chen is also a guy—this game has a lot going on! When you think about it, the Empress's fury makes sense..."

At this moment, far away at Jiuwu Studio, Song Tianyang was watching the soaring Imperial Prestige number on the system panel, utterly satisfied.

As for being talked about having a chaotic harem...

Who cares? I don't care!

However, in this "Proclamation to the World," a single million-follower streamer's playthrough is just the beginning.

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Author's note: See you all in the evening =3=