Chapter 48

Chapter 48 – I Want You to Be My Boyfriend, Okay?

Did Jian Songyi get it? 

If he still didn’t understand it, then maybe he is indeed a fool.

“Sorry.”

The word came out like a choked sob rolling out of his throat. 

Jian Songyi doesn’t know what to say. Only the bitterness piled up in his heart that he didn’t know how to ease it. Thus, he could only say that he was sorry.

Sorry.

Is that a no?

Bai Huai wiped the moisture forming at the corner of his eyes. He managed to form a small smile nevertheless. “It’s alright. We should go home.” He said with a gentle voice.

He said he was sorry. Jian Songyi did not accept him, but he couldn’t say that he was surprised.

He had envisioned 10,000 ways of rejection from Jian Songyi. Each one is more heartbreaking in its own way. Still, it seems like this situation is a much more gentle approach to whatever it was he constructed in his brain.

Bai Huai turned and went to the lounge. He packed Jian Songyi’s bag, made the bed in the lounge, and folded the blanket separately. He then took out his phone and called a taxi. While waiting for a cab, he stood in front of Jian Songyi and blocked the vent for him.

Meticulous and appropriate, as usual, it seemed that the expression of love and the sentence of apology did not bring any emotion to his heart.

‘If you want to cover it, whitewash it.’

But Jian Songyi was still at a loss. He simply held the sketchbook in his arms tightly while following Bai Huai blankly. Well, not until he was stuffed into the taxi’s backseat.

Bai Huai sometimes wondered if there was a simple explanation for this. Jian Songyi is usually intelligent, stubborn, and malicious. But whenever Bai Huai comes to him, he magically becomes a fool. Even so, Bai Huai can’t bear to be mad at him at all. 

Jian Songyi is right. What can he do with him? He can only provide for him just as his ancestors did.

Bai Huai glanced over at the plastic bag that Jian Songyi held in his arms. “You’re just going to hold it like that? You’re not going to return it to me?” He asked.

Jian Songyi’s unreasonable temper came up this time with no breaks.: “It’s mine, so why would I give it back to you?” 

“But you gave it to me.”

“If you gave it away, can’t you get it back?”

“…Okay. Anything you want.”

Bai Huai bowed his head and smiled to himself helplessly.

Jian Songyi bought that sketchbook when he was five or six years old. He then gave it to Bai Huai when he asked for it. Jian Songyi thought there was a note from his father within its pages, so he didn’t think much about it and gave it to him.

Bai Huai has been carrying it ever since, for it carries the memories of the two people he cares about most in this life of his, which is why it is particularly precious. That’s why when Wang Shan stole it, he could not help but lose his temper and misbehave. 

What made him feel even more uneasy was his feelings hidden in it.

Bai Huai didn’t know when it began, but he felt that his love for Jian Songyi changed into the kind of love wherein he wanted to stay with him for the rest of his life. 

At first, he was ignorant.

But when the signs of Alpha characteristics emerged from him, his ignorance became uneasiness.

Although he did not regard himself as an Omega for more than ten years, he suddenly became an Alpha, which made him realize that there was an insurmountable iron wall between him and Jian Songyi.

Alpha to Alpha relationship is discriminated against in terms of moral public opinion and policy restrictions.

The most crucial thing is that the age of thirteen or fourteen is the age of a boy’s first love. Consciously or unconsciously, he would hear other people talking about a good-looking Omega and that she then confessed to Jian Songyi. And then, it would continue on to how perfectly matched they are with each other.

Besides, at the time, Jian Songyi was at his open age. He kept flaunting about being the Alpha of the Alphas and how he would marry the sweetest Omega. 

The speaker has no intention, but the heart is a listener.

The sweet and sour feeling became extremely bitter when Bai Huai smelled the pheromone belonging to an Alpha for the first time. 

He feared that his wishful love would bring criticism and argument to the teenager and that the secular biased love would make the teenager feel burdened and disgusted.

He considered it a secret that should be hidden all his life. He felt so bitter about it that he wrote that sentence in that book.

When Bai Huai wrote it down, Wang Shan happened to see it.

That night, Wang Shan stole the book and said he wanted to make it public. He said that he would show the world how dirty they are, especially Jian Songyi, as they pretend to be brothers when they are so much more than that.

During the argument, the sketchbook was thrown down.

It was patched on along the bushes. Bai Huai looked for it all night with a flashlight. He had scratches all over his hands and ankles. But still, he could not find them.

Before he could close his eyes, Bai Huai heard that Jian Songyi had acute gastroenteritis and that his parents were not at home. Thus, he hurriedly asked for leave and rushed to the hospital. After a day’s guard, Wang Shan jumped off a building just after returning to school.

And that night, he entered the official differentiation. Because he is a top Alpha, the differentiation process is highly depressing and painful. It was even more complex because he didn’t have his father by his side to guide him on how to become an Alpha.

He shut himself in his room. He dared not tell anyone about it, not even Jian Songyi. The paints on the wall fell off and were stained with blood because Bai Huai vented all his pain against it by hammering it repeatedly.

When he came out of his room, he acted indifferently while hiding his pheromones as if nothing had happened. 

Jian Songyi thought that it was Wang Shan’s jump that had stimulated him. 

Bai Huai didn’t deny it. He thought everything could be hidden until he went to see Wang Shan.

 Wang Shan smiled coldly and sadly at that time: “Bai Huai, so you think this kind of thing can be hidden? You can’t hide it. But don’t worry, I would not say a thing. I just want to see in my own eyes how you’d try to cover this all up until your best friend that you care about the most finds out and thinks of you as dirty and disgusting. God is still fair, and no one will be spared.”

When Bai Huai left the ward that day, the first thing that he asked Jian Songyi was: “Jian Songyi, what am I to you?”

Jian Songyi didn’t even hesitate at that time: “A brother. A lifelong friend that is closer than a brother.”

Bai Huai smiled at that time as if he had received a very satisfactory answer.

Then he left the next day with nothing but the pot of cedar.

He promised his father to give up medicine and study literature and politics on the condition that he would go to Beicheng and transfer on his own without the intention of returning.

If he couldn’t keep his feelings hidden, then he must go so that he won’t embarrass the both of them. It would be better to only have this as a beautiful regret in Bai Huai’s memory. And maybe, just maybe, one day he won’t like Jian Songyi anymore, and then he can come back. 

Sure enough, Bai Huai came back.

But not because he no longer likes Jian Songyi, but because he likes him so much even after those 3 years apart. He wants him so much that Bai Huai feels like nothing else is essential so long as he can stay and watch him on the sidelines.

He was prepared for the worst.

But now, after being able to express his long-neglected and lonely feelings and still be able to sit quietly with Jian Songyi, they both watched the headlights cut through the night as they passed through the city where they had lived together since they were young. Then he realized that there was nothing wrong with him.

These are Bai Huai’s thoughts.

He looked outside the window, and suddenly, a smile formed upon his lips: “Jian Songyi, except for this time, I do not think I have lost to you before.”

‘I’m afraid so.’

Jian Songyi thought about it. Growing up, Bai Huai never lost. 

He is the best in everything, always, excruciatingly good.

And if it wasn’t for Jian Songyi this time, he probably wouldn’t have lost.

Jian Songyi looked out of the window and said, “I am sorry.”

Bai Huai originally wanted to say that there is nothing to be sorry about that he will willingly lose for him. 

But he never opened his mouth. 

Jian Songyi heaved a breath on the glass. The thick white fog blocked the red corners of his eyes reflected from the car window.

What he did not say was that he was sorry because if he had not been so slow, reckless, and self-righteous, Bai Huai would have suffered less for so many years.

It’s a late autumn night with thick fog and mist flowing through the city enough to only leave vague shadows behind.

On the window, there was only the reflection of the person behind him. It was a pity that they could not read each other’s minds. Else, it could’ve been more straightforward.

There’s only silence for the two of them.

And then, the car stopped. 

Are they to get out and say goodbye?

Jian Songyi was the first to falter. He suddenly turned and called Bai Huai, “Don’t you have anything else you want to say?”

Bai Huai stopped in his tracks, but he didn’t dare turn around to face him. “Yea, a lot. But I am afraid that you won’t like it.”

“Bai Huai, why are you always like this? How can you hide things like this from me? Unlike you, I can’t hide anything from you, so I can’t always guess what you are thinking. I’m really sick of you acting like this.”

Jian Songyi lets out a deep breath as he tries to get rid of the fog from the corner of his eyes. 

“I am also annoyed at myself. I am a fool. For so many years, I did not understand anything. I figured out nothing as I kept on blaming you. I was so angry with you. I thought you like some other Omega, and then we are good friends every damn day. I also tried to ask if you had a crush on me, but… I am an idiot.”

Jian Songyi swallowed the lump in his throat: “So today, can we straighten this all up?”

Bai Huai did not know what to say for a moment that his shoulder line stiffened. “I thought we have made this clear already, and your reply to that was an apology.”

“I do not fucking understand a thing.” Jian Songyi was so angry that he burst into foul language. “How can you make it clear? What are you even clear about? Do you like me or not? When did you like me? Why do you want me? What do you like about me? Which question have you made clear? How can you wrong yourself? Say those words, let me feel guilty and feel bad, can’t you do that? “

The corner of Jian Songyi’s eyes become redder.

He is still the same impatient and bad-tempered teenager: fierce and full of thorns.

Jian Songyi preferred not to hide his true self.

How can people not like him?

Bai Huai took a deep breath before turning around to face Jian Songyi. He took a couple of steps toward him to stand close to him. He lowered his eyes to meet his, and with his gentle tone, Bai Huai spoke with affection and determination: “Yes, I like you.”

“When did I like you? I couldn’t remember. It probably started from the very beginning.”

“I like you because you are Jian Songyi.”

“I like all of you, everything about you.”

“All your questions have been made clear now.”

“I can be very wronged, but I can’t wrong you once.”

“In this way, I should love you, spoil you, and treat you very well in the future. So I want you to be my boyfriend. Is that alright?”