Chapter 188 42

Chapter 188: 42

Late at night, in He Lin's home.

Li Shang finished reading the case file, his heart a tangled knot of discomfort.

In the darkness, Li Shang struggled to compose himself, but the imagined scenes of He Lin being tortured relentlessly replayed in his mind. Bucket after bucket of ice water seemed to pour over him, carrying a bone-chilling cold that made his very soul tremble.

Then he sensed something amiss—his body was indeed shaking. Li Shang could feel his heart beating erratically, a frantic rhythm of fast then slow, with waves of palpitations leaving him feeling utterly weak.

In the dark, Li Shang extended his hand, using the faint light filtering through the window to examine his fingers. But all he saw was an indistinct blur.

He realized that the extreme emotional turmoil was overwhelming his body. If this continued, he might fall ill again. He disliked this overly sensitive, vulnerable self, and he knew He Lin wouldn’t like it either.

So, Li Shang endured the weakness. Even the simple act of sitting up from the couch made his vision go black, yet he persisted, pushing himself to get up, wash, and change clothes.

When he returned to the living room, Li Shang turned on the light. He pulled out the instructions for the high-potency painkillers from his bag and read them. Among the precautions, one stated that overdosing could affect heart function and, in severe cases, lead to cardiac arrest.

After reading, Li Shang stared at the pills on the coffee table for a long time before finally gathering them and tossing them all into the trash.

He realized he had been too self-indulgent lately—relying on medication and letting his emotions spill out uncontrollably.

Li Shang felt as if he had reverted to his childhood self. Back then, his parents were deeply in love, and he was a child enveloped in affection. He could act out freely; even if he caused serious trouble, the first response he received was concern, not blame.

But after his mother was hospitalized, everything changed. He began living as a dependent, losing the right to act out. No one cared about his moods anymore, so he deliberately suppressed the softer side of his personality. He pushed himself to be composed and controlled, letting rationality override emotion at all times.

This gradually transformed Jiang Shangxue into Rong Qing.

It wasn’t until he met He Lin again, driven by love and hope for him, that the current Li Shang emerged.

Under the influence of the medication’s side effects, Li Shang felt as if someone were wrestling control from him. His head spun, his heart beat erratically, and waves of weightlessness made every step toward the bed feel like treading on clouds.

Even though his body had reached its exhaustion threshold, Li Shang tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep.

It seemed he had returned to the period right after He Lin was injured. Back then, he was also busy every day, but at night, sleep utterly eluded him. The moment he closed his eyes, He Lin’s bloodied face and the words that still cut like a knife would haunt him.

"Rong Qing, you’re too late…"

Now, more images flooded Li Shang’s mind.

He saw himself sitting alone in the hospital hallway, deleting message after message between him and He Lin, as if surgically removing that living person bit by bit from his heart.

Then came the two lonely years where Li Shang watched He Lin’s position be filled by other team members, yet he remained their captain.

He taught the new recruits everything he had once taught He Lin. Everything seemed to be on track, but only he knew that, by then, he was merely an empty shell.

Until that injury, that unanswered phone call, completely shattered the facade he'd constructed.

From that day on, he was broken, body and soul.

Li Shang even thought he was doomed, but fate granted him another lease on life.

He left the base and chose to join the Missing Persons Investigation Unit.

Initially, Li Shang had no other intentions. He just wanted to protect He Lin, to be close to him, even if it meant watching him from afar every day.

But, as he had twice before, He Lin persistently pushed his way back into his life. How could Li Shang let go when he felt He Lin’s kindness and love?

The more he cared, the more he hoped; the more he hoped, the more tangled his emotions became.

So, when he heard that He Lin no longer loved him and even detested him, he came close to breaking down several times.

Though Li Shang repeatedly told himself not to blame He Lin—he had been injured—recalling how hard his own journey had been, he couldn’t help but resent He Lin. How could He Lin forget those moments he treasured so deeply?

Back then, he seemed trapped in a cycle of self-absorption, letting his emotions control him, which led to the argument with He Lin before the mission. He blamed He Lin for forgetting him and for remembering but not telling him.

But from He Lin’s perspective, what had he done wrong?

Regardless of the reason, Li Shang had deceived He Lin first. What right did he have to demand He Lin’s complete honesty? Perhaps He Lin’s love was too intense and sincere, causing Li Shang to become immersed in it and grow selfish.

Li Shang finally realized that during their argument, he had focused solely on his own emotions. He accused He Lin of hiding things from him but never once asked why He Lin had lost his memory.

He arrogantly believed what he thought he knew but never inquired about the root cause.

Now, with the bloody truth laid bare before him, Li Shang began to feel undeserving of He Lin’s love.

He had ruined everything, after all.

His expectations were too heavy, and his personality too stubborn.

In the past, Li Shang naively believed that love should be shown through actions, not words, yet he adored the loving words He Lin whispered in his ear. Even when he felt embarrassed at the time, he couldn’t ignore the flutter and sweetness in his heart.

He took all of He Lin’s love but returned only scraps.

In the past, He Lin had always been the one to solve their problems. This time, Li Shang wanted to change.

He desperately wanted to see He Lin, to tell him of his love and apologies.

This time, he wouldn’t run away. He would surrender his body and soul entirely to He Lin.

And so, Li Shang tossed and turned in bed, unable to rest peacefully. A jumble of emotions piled up, merging dreams and reality.

Perhaps due to his emotional state, or because he was simply too exhausted lately, or maybe because he hadn’t taken his medication tonight—all these factors combined caused the pain, which had been suppressed by drugs and willpower, to flare up before midnight.

Under the lingering effects of the painkillers, it started subtly, like a smoldering pain in his stomach.

Li Shang could still bear this level of pain. He buried his head deeper into the pillow, trying to fall asleep and ignore it.

But soon, the pain intensified and spread, his old injury triggering spasms in his organs.

Lying in bed, dazed and disoriented, Li Shang pressed a hand tightly against his abdomen, attempting to knead away the pain. But it only grew worse.

Soon, he was drenched in sweat from the agony.

Li Shang turned over, wedging a pillow under himself, and pressed down hard on the most spasmodic area with one hand. But even with all his strength, he couldn’t withstand the pain.

Li Shang could only shut his eyes tightly, biting his lip until he tasted blood.

He tried to relax his body, to reach détente with the pain within, but failed again and again. He couldn’t overcome it.

He hated this feeling of helplessness.

Every second was unbearable.

On top of that, a congested frustration clogged his chest, filling him with intense vexation.

The physical discomfort amplified his emotions, and Li Shang’s tightly controlled feelings finally erupted. He clutched the bedsheet beneath him, crumpling it in his palm.

His eyes, which had remained sensitive since the snow blindness, now had overly responsive tear ducts. Under the pain, physiological tears welled up uncontrollably.

Li Shang did not hold back as he usually would. He was miserable and wronged, feeling like he was dying.

Yet, on this lonely night, no one could help him. He still had to face his misery alone.

It was as if, just as he made up his mind to start a new life, an invisible hand would trap him in place, repeatedly reminding him that he was no longer the person he used to be.

Now, Li Shang could neither take back the hurtful words he had said to He Lin nor change the physical pain tormenting his body.

In terrible pain on the bed, tossing and turning, he felt as if he were fighting for his life.

Suddenly, a violent spasm hit him. Li Shang let out a gasp, holding his breath and not daring to move. His entire body trembled uncontrollably, as if something inside him were being stretched to its limit, on the verge of snapping.

For over ten seconds, his vision went completely black, and the veins in his temples bulged.

Only after the intense pain subsided did he clutch his abdomen, feeling as though he could finally breathe again.

The constant pain gradually sapped the strength from Li Shang’s limbs. He could only lie on his side, letting tears and cold sweat stream down his face and soak into the pillow, leaving a wet spot.

Li Shang’s phone was not beside him. He remembered leaving it in the study while going over papers earlier. Later, in his dazed state, he seemed to have forgotten to bring it with him when he left the study.

Indeed, without He Lin around and without work tasks to attend to, he didn't usually carry his phone with him or check it regularly.

This was not a good habit, Li Shang thought to himself. Once he made it through tonight, he would definitely break this habit.

Even if he couldn’t reach He Lin, he could at least call an ambulance for himself.

Now, Li Shang was beginning to understand that, when it came to survival, pride didn't matter.

At this moment, he wanted to live, to have a future with He Lin.

Li Shang had considered getting out of bed to get his phone, but even the slightest movement intensified the pain in his abdomen. Just one attempt left him too weak to move, curled up and unable to get up.

As the pain persisted, Li Shang no longer knew whether he had drifted into a hazy sleep or blacked out from the pain. In his dazed state, he faintly heard He Lin calling his name, holding him, and asking what was wrong.

But Li Shang seemed stuck in a nightmare. He couldn’t open his mouth or move his body. He wanted to respond to He Lin’s embrace, to tell him about his sorrow and pain, to say to his face that he missed him.

Yet Li Shang could do nothing. He couldn’t break free from the nightmare, and even with his last bit of strength, his efforts were in vain.

All he could hear was He Lin’s voice, calling his name over and over again, hoping for a response.

Until He Lin gave up and let go of him: "You still refuse to speak to me?"

He Lin’s tone in the dream was cold as he asked.

Li Shang wanted to say, "No, it's not like that!"

But even when he opened his mouth, no sound came out.

Li Shang felt the warmth that belonged to He Lin gradually leaving him, and in that moment, he panicked, not caring about anything else.

Pride, dignity, stubbornness—he wanted none of it.

All he wanted was for He Lin to stay and keep him company.

Even so, he couldn’t bring He Lin back. Instead, the intense emotions in the dream agitated him so much that he was jerked awake by another abdominal spasm.

Perhaps because of He Lin’s embrace in the dream, Li Shang felt a little stronger this time. Yet, there was no He Lin in the room.

The room was empty, with no one else but him.

Li Shang lay frozen in bed, unsure whether to be upset it was just a dream—that He Lin hadn't returned or held him—or to be relieved that it was only a dream, meaning He Lin wasn’t disappointed in him and he still had a chance to work things out with him.

His heart finally felt a little better. He tried to sleep again, hoping to see He Lin even if only in a dream, but it seemed he could no longer fall asleep.

At first, the pain in his abdomen was just a dull ache, but as it persisted, it began to make him feel sick, and the feeling grew increasingly pronounced.

For a while after that, Li Shang was between the bathroom and the bed, throwing up from the pain and then enduring the pain again after vomiting.

The night seemed exceptionally long, as if the darkness would never end.

After what felt like an eternity, the sky finally began to brighten faintly.

His body, worn out from everything, finally began to ease, and the pain gradually subsided. Li Shang was at last able to sleep peacefully for a while.

But the person he longed to see did not appear in his dreams this time.

After resting and regaining some strength, Li Shang sat on the sofa, staring blankly at his phone screen.

By now, the pain had mostly subsided, leaving only a heavy feeling in his stomach. He made himself some oatmeal and drank it, gradually feeling a bit more energized.

In the past, Li Shang would have assumed he was fine, but today he hesitated.

He had a feeling that He Lin would be back soon.

He didn’t want He Lin to see him in this state.

He wanted to tell He Lin that he was determined to change his stubborn ways and take better care of himself for He Lin’s sake.

So Li Shang changed his clothes and, for the first time after the pain had eased, went to the hospital on his own initiative.