Chapter 20 Self-Blame

Chapter 20: Self-Reproach

He was consumed by an intense wave of self-loathing...

Kahn approached them, immediately noticing Bai Suizhi supporting Oliver's arm, his face pale. A knot tightened in Kahn's stomach. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?" he asked anxiously.

Before he could finish, his eyes fell upon Oliver's arm. The once neat bandage was now disheveled, stained with grimy blood. Kahn's pupils constricted, his gaze fixed intently on the crimson mark.

Oliver, catching Kahn's worried stare, realized the misunderstanding. He quickly lifted his head and flashed a brilliant smile. "We're perfectly fine! The blood on the bandage is from the zombies."

As he spoke, he spun around in a full circle, as if performing a security check, even humming a little tune to himself: "Ta-da! All intact."

Kahn scrutinized him for a moment, only relaxing once he confirmed there were no other bite wounds on Oliver's body. Then, he turned to the visibly distressed Bai Suizhi. "What's wrong?"

Bai Suizhi's voice trembled slightly. "A zombie lunged at me from behind just now. I didn't see it coming, and Oliver shielded me. If it weren't for the bandage on his wrist..."

He left the sentence unfinished, but everyone understood the grim fate Oliver would have faced without that protective barrier.

Bai Suizhi's nails dug deeply into his palms. This choking sensation of guilt reawakened the deeply ingrained totem of shame within him. At that moment, his eyes were solely fixed on the bloodstains on Oliver's body. The shackles buried deep in his memory abruptly tightened, trapping him in the cage of being a "burden."

He utterly detested this feeling of powerlessness, loathed himself for being a heavy lead weight, dragging others into dangerous whirlpools. Every breath was tainted with self-loathing, and the mantra of "don't be a burden" transformed into an invisible whip, lashing at every nerve.

Sensing the somber mood, Oliver immediately stepped forward and clapped Bai Suizhi on the shoulder. "I'm perfectly fine now! Besides, if it weren't for you two, I'd already be zombie chow. This is me... offering myself to you!"

Bai Suizhi couldn't help but chuckle, correcting him, "That's not 'offering yourself to me.' That phrase is used when someone entrusts themselves to another out of gratitude."

Oliver stuck out his tongue. "Then I'll entrust myself to you. What do you say, Brother Bai?" He then puckered his lips, playfully leaning in to kiss Bai Suizhi.

Bai Suizhi frantically pushed Oliver's approaching face away with his hands, shouting loudly, "Stay back! Kahn, save me..."

Kahn cooperatively tugged at Oliver's collar, pulling him back slightly. Oliver, undeterred, stretched his neck, pouted his lips even more, and flailed his arms forward like a little duck, making the other two burst into laughter.

Thanks to Oliver's antics, the heavy weight in Bai Suizhi's heart lightened a bit. He composed himself and said, "Alright, enough fooling around. The mission was a success. Let's go get the plane!"

Kahn glanced at Bai Suizhi, his gaze lingering on the curve of his lips for a moment before looking away. Oliver cheered, throwing his arms around his two companions’ shoulders and walking ahead with a spring in his step.

The three strode confidently into the hangar. Bai Suizhi meticulously inspected the helicopter's exterior for wear and checked critical systems like the engine, avionics, and hydraulics. After confirming it was fully operational, they immediately set off.

Bai Suizhi, seated in the pilot’s seat, instructed Kahn and Oliver in the back, "Fasten your seatbelts and put on your headsets."

Kahn and Oliver obediently buckled up and donned their noise-canceling headphones, watching with fascination as Bai Suizhi expertly manipulated the complex instruments and controls.

Bai Suizhi appeared to be far more than just an amateur helicopter enthusiast; his proficiency was on par with a seasoned professional pilot. The two passengers in the back clearly recognized this, and without a word, offered their sincerest respect to their pilot.

An all-black helicopter slowly taxied out of the hangar, glided across the tarmac for a while, then suddenly lifted skyward, soaring into the clouds. Oliver let out an excited whoop: "Woo-hoo! We're taking off!"

They ascended higher and higher, until the bloodshed and wreckage on the ground were no longer visible. For the first time, Kahn viewed this entirely unfamiliar planet from a macro perspective. He found it hard to describe his feelings—a complex mix of reflection, melancholy, and a touch of fortune.

Once the helicopter stabilized, Bai Suizhi said, "If you're tired, you can rest for a bit."

After the initial rush of excitement, a wave of exhaustion swept over Oliver. Having endured alone in the zombie-infested city for so long, his body had long reached its limits. Now, in a safe environment, his nerves relaxed, and he could no longer fight off the fatigue. All he wanted was to sleep deeply, making up for all the rest he’d missed.

Oliver's hand rested weakly on the back of the front seat, his voice slurring as he mumbled, "Brother Bai, thank you for your hard work..." The next second, his eyes closed, and he passed out cold.

Kahn worriedly asked, "Did he pass out?"

Bai Suizhi glanced over and said, "He should be fine—just exhausted and asleep. You should rest too. There’s food in the backpack if you’re hungry." Although they had reluctantly abandoned a well-stocked vehicle, they had packed as many essentials as possible to ensure they could reach the survival base even if unexpected delays occurred.

Kahn replied, "I'm good, not hungry. Do you want something to eat?" As he spoke, he reached for the backpack.

Bai Suizhi said, "I’m not hungry either. Close your eyes and rest. We’ll be there soon."

Instead of closing his eyes to sleep, Kahn asked a question that caught Bai Suizhi off guard: "Why were you so upset earlier on the tarmac?"

Bai Suizhi paused, then said, "Oliver almost got hurt."

Kahn replied, "That’s not what I meant."

Seeing Bai Suizhi remain silent, Kahn continued, "Your expression earlier wasn’t right. It wasn’t just about worrying that Oliver was hurt." What Kahn really wanted to say was that he had sensed an intense wave of self-loathing emanating from Bai Suizhi, a feeling that made him uneasy.

Bai Suizhi was surprised by Kahn’s sensitivity, especially since they had known each other for less than two months.

Bai Suizhi gave up on deflecting and tried to articulate his true feelings: "If Oliver hadn’t been hurt because of me, I wouldn’t feel this bad." Expressing his emotions was still somewhat difficult and unfamiliar for Bai Suizhi, so he instinctively softened his words, as if protecting himself.

Fortunately, Kahn understood. He said gently, "So you’re blaming yourself for putting Oliver in danger, right?"

After a pause, Bai Suizhi replied solemnly, "Not just blaming myself—I’m deeply self-reproaching, to the point of wanting to... never mind."

Kahn's tone turned serious. "Bai Suizhi, don’t be like this."

Bai Suizhi smiled. "I won’t."

A silence fell between them. Kahn rested his chin in his hand, gazing out the window, his eyes absently fixed on a point in the sky as he thoughtfully reflected on the many facets of Bai Suizhi.

The Bai Suizhi who was somewhat aloof when they first met but still saved him. The Bai Suizhi who took him home and looked after him carefully. The Bai Suizhi who cooked him many delicious meals. The Bai Suizhi who asked if there was anything he wanted to do. The Bai Suizhi who braided his hair... These were the very, very good versions of Bai Suizhi.

Then there was the Bai Suizhi who always charged ahead without regard for his own safety. The Bai Suizhi who kept his emotions and thoughts bottled up. The Bai Suizhi who suddenly ignored him. The Bai Suizhi who was kind to others but harsh on himself. The Bai Suizhi who seemed to float in the air, ready to vanish at any moment... These were the slightly annoying versions of Bai Suizhi.

Kahn thought for a moment and mentally crossed out the "slightly annoying" Bai Suizhi, replacing him with "Bai Suizhi who needs a lot of protection."

So how could he protect Bai Suizhi?

Kahn turned to the figure shrouded in shadows and said, "Bai Suizhi, from now on, if you're unhappy, you tell me." His tone was not one of request but a firm command, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

Before Bai Suizhi could even process this, Kahn—the very person he'd imagined would give him the silent treatment—spoke again, issuing another bewildering order.

Bai Suizhi tentatively asked, "Why?"

Kahn’s voice was flat. "No reason."

Bai Suizhi didn’t dare press further. "Okay."

Kahn nodded in satisfaction. The first step to protecting Bai Suizhi was to guide him to confront his emotions and speak up when he was unhappy!

Unbeknownst to anyone, even Bai Suizhi himself, Kahn had added another, somewhat peculiar, dream to his list—beyond just tending to flowers.