Chapter 35: I Forgot I Was Human

Chapter 35: I Forgot I Was Human

Not quite understanding, I had to ask first.

"What does 'lovestruck' mean?"

Qin Shu thought for a moment: "Just someone who can't stop thinking about dating?"

"Then I probably am not," Li Wuya kept lying on the ground. "I only think about you, A Shu. Nothing else."

"Oh."

Qin Shu replied: "So you want to be in love with me."

They locked eyes.

Li Wuya suddenly sat up.

He stood up—no, he suddenly knelt beside him, switching from both knees to one knee. Qin Shu frowned and stepped back, and Li Wuya stood up again.

"Sorry. I forgot again—I'm human," Li Wuya said.

Qin Shu was confused.

He really thought Li Wuya had lost it, and pinched his face hard: "What's gotten into you now?"

"Don't objectify myself, don't fantasize, don't do unnecessary things, tell you everything I'm thinking..." Li Wuya muttered a long list of rules.

The first half baffled Qin Shu, the middle felt familiar, and the second half made him jump up.

Li Wuya was insane! How could he turn all the angry things he'd said back then into a greatest hits compilation?!

Qin Shu was mortified, but looked around—there wasn't a single window he could jump out of!

Li Wuya's expression was dark and unreadable. He stepped forward: "Sorry, A Shu, I really know where I went wrong. I'll fix it soon. Keep looking at me."

Li Wuya had been saying this a lot lately, and his attitude toward making amends was genuinely good, but...

Who knew this was how he'd go about fixing things?!

So because he couldn't objectify himself, he just chanted 'I'm human' every day—isn't that even weirder?!

"Sorry, I forgot to answer your previous question," with an unsettlingly meek expression. "A Shu, I think I do want to be in love with you."

"I want to do everything involving you, I want to become every object you could use—but I'm human. So I want to have everything with you—in the ordinary sense, any relationship that means intimacy in human society. Romance is one of those."

Qin Shu stumbled backward three steps!

"I even thought about becoming a woman, but even then, I wouldn't be A Shu's type. A Shu doesn't like the way I look, and I can't fake being someone else forever. I can only be me."

"...Too bad. I can only be myself."

He paused for two seconds.

Li Wuya looked up hopefully again: "A Shu, these are all the thoughts in my heart right now. I've told you everything. Did I do good?"

Holy shit, Li Wuya really has gone crazy!

-

And it seemed like this craziness had been going on for a while.

No longer embarrassed, Qin Shu sat on the table and crossed his legs.

Li Wuya sat in a chair.

"Did you think like this before too?" Qin Shu asked Li Wuya.

Li Wuya said: "Yes."

"Since when?"

"...A long time. I don't remember exactly. Four years ago?"

"Exactly the same?"

"Not quite."

Li Wuya said meekly: "Before, I thought about using deception, secrecy, moral blackmail, stuff like that on you. But I failed."

"..."

Qin Shu gloomily remembered his first kiss.

"Then why didn't you just confess or try to win me over?" he suddenly asked.

If you like someone and want to date them, the normal thing is to confess and pursue, right?

"..."

Qin Shu said: "You didn't think I'd say yes."

Qin Shu added: "Because you thought I didn't like men, so you felt that if you said this, it would mean everything before was a lie."

"..."

Qin Shu thought: "You were afraid we couldn't even stay friends."

"Mm."

Suddenly, Qin Shu, still sitting on the table, leaned in to look at Li Wuya.

Qin Shu hadn't changed yet; he was still in that black military dress uniform, and when he leaned forward, the tassel chains swayed.

His waist and hips were sharply defined, the chain pressed a slight dent into his relaxed thigh, and the ruby tied to it gave off a faint shimmer. Li Wuya could almost touch it if he just turned his head.

A metal-tipped military boot idly kicked Li Wuya's waist, looking down at him from above—an inspection.

He smelled something cold, and also the scent of his own blood.

"But you didn't think—we're so close, how could I ever bear to leave you?"

"...What?"

What do you mean?

"I hate being lied to, but I don't hate that you like me. You can't control who you like, right?"

Qin Shu was seriously spouting his own twisted logic: "A simple crush—how could that stop us from being friends? You confess, I reject, you get your heart broken—what's that got to do with us being friends?"

"And what else did you say? That I don't like the way you look..."

"I'm screwed, I can't argue with this," Qin Shu thought. He felt he was into cute girls, and Li Wuya wasn't cute, nor was he a girl!

But Li Wuya looked like a new man, staring at him eagerly.

"...A Shu doesn't want to be apart from me?"

Is that the point?

Qin Shu shifted his leg, uncomfortable, and the gem swung again.

"But you already missed your chance." Qin Shu forced a serious tone. "If you wanted to date me, why didn't you just confess? Why trick me into getting married? And why go through all this roundabout crap?"

The chair screeched back as Li Wuya suddenly stood up, only for Qin Shu to reflexively kick him into the opposite wall.

He didn't care, zipping back in an instant. His face was still stiff, but his eyes were startlingly bright: "Is A Shu willing to listen to my confession?"

"..."

The intensity in that moment felt weirdly familiar to Qin Shu.

He suddenly remembered what he'd purposely blocked out—what happened on their wedding night.

It was probably the most terrifying moment of his life: a long table, piles of gems and gold, Li Wuya randomly slipping a ring onto his finger and saying, "You saw my love."

Damn it! Isn't that secret room right behind this bedroom?

Holy shit, wait—did all that rambling count as a confession?

Hell no!

At the time, his head was full of Li Wuya tricking him into being gay; he hadn't even noticed any confession at all—

The more he thought about it, the more freaked out he got. Qin Shu asked, "What exactly did you say that day?"

Li Wuya somehow followed his train of thought:

"From today, please take charge of my life. I give you everything...?"

"And then?"

"So you saw my love."

Silence.

Qin Shu said, heavy-hearted, "So you confessed to me that day."

"No," Li Wuya replied.

This was the first time today he'd given Qin Shu a straight "no."

He lowered his eyes meekly, fixing his eyes on the red gem, his voice calm: "How could that be a confession?"

Back then, he was stupid, stubborn, and full of himself, getting carried away by A Shu's trust and reading too much into it.

Giving a pile of trash made of wealth—did he really think he had the right to talk about love? So disgusting.

"So you've never actually confessed," Qin Shu asked.

Even now, Li Wuya felt he wasn't worthy of saying it, but A Shu was right—whether he had the right wasn't up to Li Wuya. That was something to ask Qin Shu about—

"Can I confess now? Is A Shu willing to hear it?"

His eyes were locked on the red gem.

Qin Shu seemed to think, then lowered his crossed legs, making the gem swing again, its light blinding.

"Alright, go ahead and confess. I'm listening."

Got permission.

His gaze traveled upward.

Qin Shu sat up straight on the table, some stray hair covering the sparkle in his eyes, his cuffs stained with Li Wuya's blood.

Serious, solemn, and totally adorable.

Qin Shu warned, "I'll reject you, and then you'll be crushed. Can you handle that? I won't even comfort you if you're sad."

Li Wuya straightened up too. Since waking, he'd been in a haze, countless voices arguing in his head, and he wasn't sure how much nonsense he'd already spouted, but it didn't stop him from communicating normally with Qin Shu.

In a way, this seemed better...? Qin Shu seemed to prefer a dumber version of him.

And if he followed the three-step rule—confess, wait for a decision, execute—then it really didn't require much thought.

"Why would I be sad?" Li Wuya said slowly. "I'm very happy. To be able to tell you all these feelings."

His vision narrowed to only Qin Shu as he stepped forward, the sound of glass shattering grounding him.

Kneel down? No, he was human; humans needed to stand.

As a human, he could earn the connection Qin Shu approved of; as a human, he could talk to Qin Shu...

It felt so good to be human—to see the beautiful light in Qin Shu's eyes.

He felt happy again.

"I won't be crushed either," the dazed Li Wuya said, utterly meek. "My love won't end or disappear. Even rejection is A Shu being good to me."

Qin Shu trembled almost imperceptibly.

Definitely a love-crazed fool! Dude, how messed up is your brain?!

Li Wuya stepped closer, wearing only a thin shirt, his soft stomach pressing against Qin Shu's knee through the fabric.

His wound, freshly stitched, twitched unnaturally, and his trembling right hand finally brushed against the red gem.

"I've never learned how to confess, A Shu. If I say something wrong, tell me."

"...Oh, okay."

Well, Qin Shu didn't know what a good confession looked like either.

He suddenly felt that he and Li Wuya were a pair—one daring to say, the other daring to listen. But it didn't matter; what storms hadn't he weathered?

Qin Shu cleared his throat. "Go ahead, confess."

Say whatever you want—I'm ready!

Li Wuya felt he didn't understand love.

People had too low a bar for love—his mother giving birth to him was "love," and another mother sending him off to war was also "love."

So, being too lazy to kill qualified as a kind of love.

If that were the case, then Li Wuya probably loved every Imperial citizen he hadn't gotten around to killing, simply because he couldn't kill them all.

But the moment Qin Shu appeared—well, true "love" descended upon Li Wuya, this boring dead man.

How could there be someone so vivid? Barging into your world unapologetically, saving your life without expecting anything in return, never once saying hello or sorry.

Qin Shu just said, "I like your name—it's very wuxia!"

Li Wuya had no idea what wuxia was, but thanks, wuxia.

At first, his motives weren't pure.

Li Wuya needed a weapon, and Qin Shu happened to be the perfect weapon. He turned on the charm for Qin Shu.

The approach went smoothly. Qin Shu said, "Bro, let's be partners! I think you're the best!"

What was "bro" again?

So they became partners.

The moment he realized it was love came when Li Wuya did something incredibly stupid—taking a hit for Qin Shu.

A second ago, Li Wuya thought it was normal, because he didn't want Qin Shu to get hurt.

...Didn't want Qin Shu to get hurt?

So it was okay for me to get hurt? Li Wuya clutched his bloody chest, confused.

The next second, Qin Shu wrapped his arms around him, his eyes sparkling with worry.

"Li Wuya, are you okay?" That hand touched his chest.

The hand that had just driven through the Star Beast's defensive armor, knuckles clearly defined, covered in blood, fingertips pressing gently into his gaping wound.

...Pressing into his left ribs.

That was when Qin Shu touched his heart.

It must have been that—maybe he left something on his heart, something like a numbing agent, because how else could he explain that sudden, wild, all-consuming desire to give everything for Qin Shu?

If I take another hit for you, will you touch my ribs again?

Li Wuya began to understand "love."

Naturally, Li Wuya's version of "love" wasn't the good kind. His first step in love was to hate everything except Qin Shu.

First, any man who confessed to Qin Shu should off himself as atonement. Second, anyone who said they loved Qin Shu should ask themselves if they were willing to give everything for him.

If not, die. If so, give everything and then die.

Of course, Li Wuya couldn't die. Because Li Wuya felt that something like him was a renewable resource—Qin Shu would always need him, and he would always be able to help.

And then Qin Shu said, "Li Wuya, so you don't like men either!"

Confused for a few seconds, wavering between shaking his head and nodding—actually, in Qin Shu's pathetic look, Li Wuya had no reason to refuse at all.

Li Wuya was skilled at lying; he said, "Mm."

For a few minutes, Li Wuya suspected he had been sentenced to death.

But no, Qin Shu suddenly leaned close to him, a warm embrace, a faint scent of mint, nose tip against nose tip, almost at kissing distance, the curved dark eyes beneath his tousled hair reflecting only him: "From now on, we're the best friends in the world!"

How strange—as if as long as neither of them was into guys, they could do anything more intimate than couples.

Li Wuya was also skilled at going with the flow. Embraces, intimacy, sweet nothings, all disguised as friendship, and Qin Shu would accept it all without hesitation.

He eagerly offered Qin Shu everything he needed, and he even had a legitimate reason to eliminate rivals.

"Because I hate gays," yes, that's right, Li Wuya did hate gays—after all, he only loved Qin Shu alone.

Qin Shu's unreserved trust was the foundation of Li Wuya's self-awareness for a considerable period.

You hate me? No matter, Qin Shu would only choose me. You envy me? Ha, why not change your name to Li Wuya?

Qin Shu slung an arm around his shoulder, an affectionate tone: "What are you up to, Wuya?"

Li Wuya said slowly, "Being anti-gay."

Just a joke, and Qin Shu laughed too: "Our alliance really needs talent like you!"

-

At that time, Li Wuya was still content with the status quo.

Qin Shu's expression was subtle: "I think you're about to get to 'that' part."

Li Wuya smiled sincerely: "Yes, 'that' part."

Of course, it was a deep link.

Qin Shu was truly a miracle of the universe, resurrected from the cave, feeling the calm and the throbbing pain within the spiritual domain, Li Wuya thought so.

His first reaction was ecstasy—the deep link gave them a connection in the "true sense," making their relationship more solid.

His second reaction was regret.

Qin Shu had not appeared in this world as a guide, and he could not therefore be connected to Qin Shu in a worldly sense.

But what if Qin Shu became a guide? Qin Shu was unwilling to be a guide.

After calmly pondering for a while what the outside world's reaction would be if it were "exposed" that Li Wuya was actually a guide, Li Wuya reluctantly gave up the idea.

The next moment, desire grew wildly.

Back then, Qin Shu said neither of them was gay.

Back then, Li Wuya spat blood, his mind wandering, thrilled inside: What if I used this as a bargaining chip? A deep link Qin Shu knew nothing about—he would feel guilty, being such a good person he would definitely feel guilty. Could I thus be completely imprinted on his life? Could I, through this, become his partner?

And now, Li Wuya was meek, gloomy, and full of self-loathing for his past self: "A Shu, don't feel guilty, okay? Back then I was foolish, narrow-minded, and overthinking things, taking your kindness for granted while treating you as someone to plot against."

"That's not right—scheming shouldn't ever be directed at you. Your kindness isn't my tool. No, nothing about A Shu should be my tool. I'm the one who..."

Qin Shu slapped Li Wuya on the back of the head.

Li Wuya immediately corrected himself: "I'm not a tool, either."

"You don't need to feel guilty—it's me who should be kneeling. A deep link is sacred; it's your... gift to me. You saved my life, and I live for you."

Li Wuya said calmly, "I can feel the strong connection. You've become my beacon, my anchor. I enjoy your soothing, and I depend on you—and that terrifies me."

A deep link should be an undeniable presence for both parties, but Qin Shu truly felt nothing at all.

The usual separation anxiety, the path-dependent nesting phase—it all seemed to fall on Li Wuya twice as hard. He grew more anxious, more twisted, more pained, more neurotic, and the only real relief was to deliberately let himself lose control.

"I soothed you every time, didn't I?" Qin Shu couldn't help but interject.

"Yes, and that made me even more terrified," Li Wuya said. "I started imagining you meeting a female guide you'd want to spend your life with, or a high-level sentinel in need of a deep-link rescue. There have been guides in history with multiple deep links... I couldn't stop those stupid fantasies."

"But I couldn't even explain this fear to you. One lie needs a thousand more to cover it up. I suddenly realized that everything I'd done before was cutting off my own escape routes, trapping myself in my own web."

"But I couldn't turn back. I couldn't bear to let it all go. So I thought: what if we got married?"

Li Wuya naively believed that one day, he could get Qin Shu used to him—whether as friends or lovers, that only Li Wuya would be by his side.

"You were so good to me that I almost forgot it was all built on lies. I wanted so badly for you to see my love. I did foolish things. And you forgave me."

Qin Shu looked into his eyes.

His tone was utterly calm. Li Wuya's face never changed its expression, as if being meek was the image he had to keep up in front of Qin Shu.

"What did I forgive you for?"

"You forgave everything. You saw me for who I am."

Qin Shu frowned.

Li Wuya placed his hand over the ruby: "You saw my love—selfish, narrow, full of insecurity..."

"But it should be love. It is love. From the moment you touched my heart, my love grew naturally. I live for you. My desires, my life—they're all you. There's nothing pitiful about that. Being yours is the freest I can be. I want to do everything for you."

"I know many people would do everything for you, but it's different. They're greedy; they'll take many things from you. But I'm not like that, A Shu. I've been yours for a long time. You just have to look at me, and I'll outdo everyone."

Silence.

"...This is my confession."

Silence.

"Li Wuya, I have a question."

Li Wuya quickly said, "Feeling pressured? Or is it too heavy? Sorry, A Shu, I can't leave you. Anything else, just say it and I'll do it. Is my confession too clumsy, too unpoetic? I can say it again."

"A Shu can reject me. It's fine. I won't be upset. Even if you reject me, I'd still be happy. Just you looking at me makes me happy."

Qin Shu: "No..."

"Sorry, A Shu, I really can't disappear. I don't want to die either. Well, I guess I could die, but I'll cling to you even in dea—"

Qin Shu grabbed his neck.

Qin Shu gritted his teeth: "I told you, I've always felt the deep link!"

"W-what?"

"But we've been sleeping in the same dorm room! Where the hell did you even find time for separation anxiety!?"