chapter 78

Chapter 78: Testing the Waters

That said, maintaining those boundaries isn't easily done.

Leaving everything else aside, just looking at the guardian's current anxious demeanor, not ready to let go of his charge, Shen He felt compelled to play along.

He couldn't just immediately establish clear boundaries and claim his independence from Qi Zhuoyun.

Moreover, even a slight display of resistance or distancing on his part would make the anxious guardian hypersensitive to it.

Like right now.

He struggled to crawl out from under the blanket.

For some reason, his heart raced.

He tugged at the blanket, but instead of freeing himself, he ended up being embraced even tighter by Qi Zhuoyun.

The man's arm strength was immense. Sometimes Shen He felt like he and Qi Zhuoyun hadn't grown up sharing the same meals.

Qi Zhuoyun buried his head in his shoulder, murmuring softly, "Hehe, will you spend New Year's with me?"

Shen He could, of course, but their proximity was truly intimate.

Moreover, Shen He found himself in an awkward situation he'd rather escape from.

He was wrapped in the blanket by Qi Zhuoyun and sat sideways on Qi Zhuoyun's lap.

He was seated so close, his entire body pressed against Qi Zhuoyun's chest.

Cursing inwardly, Shen He thought he might be really drunk. Why not just get even drunker?

Drunk enough to lose consciousness, so he wouldn't react inappropriately, or perhaps better to remain sober.

In this state, he couldn't argue with a drunk, and still had to consider the other's feelings. He wondered if Qi Zhuoyun would regret his actions once sober in the morning, or even want to disown him.

Perhaps not.

Shen He recalled the times in school when groups of boys would gather in the restroom to boast and tease each other.

But that was under the presumption that all were straight and interested in girls.

Being gay, especially knowing himself so well, was different.

He'd have to come out eventually! If Qi Zhuoyun, who might be a staunchly straight male protagonist, turned out to be homophobic, just imagining the scene made Shen He feel suffocated.

He mustered all his strength to try and escape, quickly making an excuse, "Brother, I haven't showered! I'll come see you after I'm clean!"

But a drunk person is irrational. Qi Zhuoyun only cared about his own desires, resting his head in the crook of Shen He's neck, showing no intention of lifting it, "It doesn't matter, even without a shower, you're clean. I won't be bothered by it."

Shen He felt absolutely triggered!

His cheeks flushed with embarrassment, almost wanting to let everything go, shake Qi Zhuoyun awake, and confess his attraction to men. If they continued being so affectionate, he might react inappropriately!

...Wait, react how?

Shen He felt his face burn even hotter, silently cursing himself.

You beast! How could you have such feelings towards your guardian?

He'd never admit to it, no matter what!

After trying in vain for a while, Shen He realized he was fighting a losing battle.

A drunken prince is still an elite among men, with extraordinary strength, far beyond what a weakling like Shen He could resist.

On the brink of tears, he opted for a softer approach, pleading with Qi Zhuoyun, "Brother, at least let me take off my outer garment. If I sleep like this, I'll fall ill by morning."

Qi Zhuoyun lifted his head, releasing one hand but keeping the other around Shen He's waist, ready to grab him if he made a move.

He leaned back against the head of the bed, giving a little space between them, and simply said to Shen He, "You undress."

Shen He: "..." He pursed his lips, swallowed hard, his entire body tense.

His already chaotic heartbeats became even more erratic.

This was too strange.

Shen He thought, the next time Qi Zhuoyun wanted a drink, he'd make sure to stop him.

He couldn't handle another episode like this.

Drunk Qi Zhuoyun was utterly unreasonable, a stark contrast from his agreeable, sober self.

Being watched by someone while undressing felt too peculiar.

In the past, Qi Zhuoyun would watch him or even personally help him dress and put on shoes.

Back then, it felt natural, and he accepted it without feeling awkward or weird.

But now, every move felt so conspicuous. His gaze gave Shen He the illusion that it was helping to strip him.

Unable to stand up and still seated on Qi Zhuoyun's lap, he bowed his head, trying his best to ignore the other's piercing gaze while he worked on undoing his sash.

As he tried to remove his outer garments and undo the ties of his layered cotton padded jacket, he struggled for a while, and it seemed the knot would become even tighter.

Shen He grew irritated, forcefully tugging at the stubborn knot, venting his inexplicable frustration on the innocent clothing.

After he gave it a couple of pulls, a hand covered the back of his own.

The young man leaning against the bed's headboard leaned forward, drawing closer to Shen He, his gaze lowered to the knotted clothing before him.

In an embrace-like gesture, he took Shen He's hand away and began working on the knot.

His fingers moved with dexterity and unwavering steadiness, not at all resembling the hands of a drunk man.

Shen He held his breath, only to hear Qi Zhuoyun let out a chuckle.

The deep voice reached his ears, tickling his eardrums.

Qi Zhuoyun said, "There, it's done. Ready to sleep now?"

Shen He thought: Damn it.

He really must be drunk!

Why are his hands steadier and more agile than mine even when he's drunk?

So infuriating!

Knowing he couldn't avoid the inevitable, Shen He kicked off his shoes and lay down on the bed, rolling as far as he could to the edge. He grabbed the blanket to put some distance between himself and Qi Zhuoyun, and declared righteously, "Alright! Let's get some sleep!"

He definitely didn't want to be poked by certain objects again!

He wasn't sure if Qi Zhuoyun was also tired from all the fuss.

This time, Qi Zhuoyun didn't insist on embracing Shen He. He lay on his side, a smile on his face, staring intently at Shen He.

Shen He closed his eyes, pretending not to notice.

If Qi Zhuoyun were sober, Shen He would've definitely had a heart-to-heart with him, letting him know that as a grown-up, he didn't need to be watched constantly and deserved some personal space.

The problem was, Qi Zhuoyun was drunk.

If Qi Zhuoyun weren't drunk, he certainly wouldn't be so brazen as to press someone with his arousal, all the while acting obliviously innocent, nor would he cling to him like a petulant child.

Alcohol truly is a fearsome thing!

Even someone as formidable as Qi Zhuoyun can be embarrassed by it.

Fortunately, it's Shen He who's with him. If Qi Zhuoyun had reacted this way in front of someone else, Shen He shudders at the mere thought.

A crown prince's reputation would be completely tarnished.

Initially, Shen He thought that after such a commotion, he'd be too embarrassed to sleep.

Clearly, he underestimated his own biological clock.

His sleep was deep and sound.

So much so that when he was pulled into an embrace again, he remained completely unaware, comfortably nestling in the crook of the neck.

The young man's breath brushed against the skin, his soft cheek resting against it.

Qi Zhuoyun's eyes were wide open, clear as day. Probably, there wasn't a second person in the world as lucid as him at this moment.

To say he wasn't drunk at all would be untrue.

At least when they were getting onto the carriage and on the way back, the alcohol had indeed weakened Qi Zhuoyun's defenses.

That's what led him to the impulsive decision to feign drunkenness.

And afterwards?

He just went along with the charade.

Upon realizing that pretending to be drunk might have actually been a good decision, he seized this rare opportunity to test Shen He's tolerance towards him.

The result of that test was evident now, with the peacefully sleeping young man held tightly in his embrace.

Qi Zhuoyun gazed downward, his face inching closer, lips almost brushing against Shen He's.

But in the end, he lifted his head and pressed a kiss onto the pristine forehead.

Just like in that dream where he realized his own desires, he had missed the young man's lips.

One last time.

Qi Zhuo ponders.

Next time, I won't let it slip away so easily.

His lips pressed against the youth's skin, murmuring softly, "Hehe, don't be afraid. As long as you're willing to stay by my side, that's all that matters."

Such a well-behaved child. It's imaginable how panicked he'd be if led astray in the future.

So, Qi Zhuo wishes to go slower, even slower, letting him adjust gradually.

He will protect him thoroughly; no one will dare harm his treasure.

It hurt him a bit, as his phalanges interlaced with the young man's fingers, gripping them gently.

Holding like this in silence, without making any further oversteps.

Take it slow, don't rush, and avoid startling him.

*

When Shen He woke up, Qi Zhuo was no longer on the couch.

Shen He stared blankly at the canopy, as memories of the previous night began processing in his mind.

Shen He: "..."

Maybe it's better for him to end it all!

So he won't have to trouble Qi Zhuo to do it.

Shen He sat up abruptly, hurriedly reaching for his clothes, slipping into them and putting on his shoes, while hopping towards the exit.

He believed the best approach for the current situation was to leave the palace temporarily, allowing both to get past the awkwardness before meeting again.

Presumably, Qi Zhuo might not want to see him for a while either!

Shen He rushed out, planning to return to his palace to pack and then leave for a short stay. The beginning of the lunar year would be the perfect time for him to go out and pay his respects.

Unexpectedly, before Shen He could exit the main hall, he was hoisted from the waist at the doorway.

The one who held him acted with familiarity and ease, effortlessly halting him in his tracks and carrying him back inside.

Shen He became as docile as a tamed bird, allowing himself to be carried with a sheepish grin.

He felt awkward, but the one carrying him showed no change in expression.

Setting him down on a small couch, the man asked, "Where are you off to, looking all disheveled?"

Qi Zhuo's eyes softened with amusement. There seemed to be no hint of anger or distress. Familiar fingers pinched Shen He's cheek affectionately before gathering his loose strands of hair, intending to tie them up for him.

Shen He's mental state: [dazed.jpg].

He needed a moment to think.

Was last night all a dream?

It didn’t seem like it.

Or had Qi Zhuo forgotten?

Had he been so drunk last night that he blacked out?

Very likely!

This realization lifted Shen He's spirits.

Such awkward incidents could just stay buried in his memory. He'd pretend he knew nothing about it.

As Shen He's mental fortification was nearly complete, the youth tying his hair in front of him asked with a hint of curiosity, "You seem a bit off, Hehe. Is something wrong?"

Shen He replied, "Uh, no, not at all. I feel perfectly fine..."

His attempt to play it down became more evident. Qi Zhuo finished tying his hair, reached out for a jade hairpin handed over by Zhong Hong, and secured it in Shen He's hair.

Then, taking a half step back, he looked at Shen He and chuckled, "Is it because of what happened last night?"

Shen He froze.

Wait, what did you say?

You know?

Uncertain, Shen He decided to be cautious. What if what Qi Zhuo knew was different from what he assumed?

He averted his gaze, consciously avoiding direct eye contact with Qi Zhuo. Scratching his cheek, he mumbled, "Um..."

Qi Zhuo chuckled again, pinching Shen He's cheek and giving it a gentle rub. "Why do you always scratch your face? It's getting red."

Shen He retorted, "It turns red because you're rubbing it!"

Qi Zhuo found this amusing. He seemed more spirited now.

He hoped it would continue this way.

Softening his tone, as if in reflection, he said, "I've just realized that my Hehe has truly grown up."

The sudden change in topic left Shen He lost.

However, he soon regretted not interrupting Qi Zhuo when he first broached this topic.

The next moment, Qi Zhuo said, "Hehe is now a man with desires. I share those feelings, perhaps even more intensively. There's no need to feel embarrassed about it."

Shen He thought: So you're just going to openly admit it?

You really have no shame.

Furthermore, Shen He found something puzzling.

What did he mean by "even more intensively"?

Was he referring to age or something more... inappropriate?

How crafty of him! Was the political cunning of the court meant for such sly comparisons?

Such a distasteful humor!

Feeling slighted, Shen He brimmed with indignation.

Qi Zhuo added, "It's natural to express such feelings. If you're unsure, I can find an opportunity to teach you in the future."

"I know! I don't need lessons!" Shen He's cheeks began to redden.

Beneath his fair skin, a blush made its presence known.

He said, trying to maintain his composure, "I'm aware, I didn't say anything wrong. Enough of this! I'm hungry, big brother!"

Shen He sprang to his feet and dashed out of the room, disappearing in the blink of an eye.

He felt a fleeting three seconds of embarrassment for not having as thick a skin as Qi Zhuo.

Teach? Right! Wait until Qi Zhuo learns about his actual preferences, that'll give him a jolt!

……

After breakfast, Shen He set out in a carriage towards the Duke's mansion.

The elder Duke and Duchess greeted him warmly, and Shen Yan was present too. Relieved that the despicable Shen Congyun wasn't around, Shen He felt more at ease.

On his way, he had worried that Shen Congyun might shamelessly return to the Duke's residence.

If he truly did, during the festive season, Shen He wasn't sure if he'd confront him head-on or bear with it until the festivities ended.

Shen He harbored a deep-rooted aversion towards Shen Congyun.

It was akin to seeing an unswept pile of garbage on the main street.

Every time he encountered him, he felt a compelling urge to dispose of the trash.

Soon, Shen He thought.

Before Qi Zhuo's ascension to the throne and his 20th birthday, Shen Congyun, this human garbage heap, would definitely be dealt with.

Shen He wasn't capable of making life-ending decisions like Qi Zhuo. Raised in a modern era of peace, he understood the necessity of Qi Zhuo's actions but couldn't bring himself to execute them personally.

However, there were other things he could do.

Presumably, for someone like Shen Congyun, rather than meeting a swift end, being stripped of his luxuries and enduring a life of hardship would be the ultimate torment.

He should realize that without the Shen family, he is nothing.

Shen He stayed the night at the Duke's mansion.

Before leaving, his eyes crinkled with laughter as he handed a small box to Shen Yan, "Brother, may the New Year bring you peace!"

The corners of Shen Yan's mouth curled into faint dimples, "Thank you, Xiao He. Wishing you peace in the New Year too."

Shen He chuckled softly, "Consider it a gift from a borrowed source. Hope you don't mind! I'm off to the Liu Mansion now. We'll catch up in a few days!"

The young man said as he climbed into the carriage, waving to him through the window.

Shen Yan watched him depart and only after returning to his courtyard did he open the box.

Inside the box was a small wooden frame, enclosing a colorful picture.

The image depicted a young boy in armor, holding a lance with a red tassel, short-limbed and round-faced, appearing both majestic and adorable.

Shen Yan glanced at it and his dimples deepened with amusement.

He placed the framed picture back into the box, opened a shelf filled with assorted items, and gently set the box among them.

After doing all this, Shen Yan headed to the kitchen to fetch a food box he had prepared earlier, then turned towards a separate courtyard.

This little courtyard, nestled deep within the Duke's mansion, was quite a distance from the main grounds.

Shen Yan had everyone wait at the entrance, entering alone.

His footsteps crunched in the snow.

Bamboo plants lined the exterior wall of the courtyard, weighed down by the snow, almost touching the ground, with some leaning inward.

Snow on the bamboo leaves would periodically flutter down, creating a soft sound.

It was so quiet that the crunching sound of Shen Yan's steps became distinctly audible.

As Shen Yan opened the door, a maid inside lifted the curtain for him and softly, hesitantly called out, "Young Master."

Shen Yan inquired, "Still refusing to eat?"

The maid nodded.

Shen Yan's expression remained unchanged, neither angered nor surprised by her response.

He said, "You all may leave; I'll serve my aunt her meal."

From within, a sharp scream erupted, "Get out! I won't eat! I'd rather starve to death in this Duke's mansion today! Let your precious Lord Shen be unburdened, without the weight of a concubine-born mother!"

The servants hastily left the room, closing the door behind them.

Shen Yan, accustomed to such outbursts, didn't let the tirades furrow his brow.

He entered the inner chamber and arranged the food, its warm aroma filling the room.

Lady Zheng, reclining on her bed, looked coldly at Shen Yan, "Shouldn't the esteemed young master be fawning over his beloved brother? What brings you to this decrepit courtyard?"

Shen Yan remained silent, setting down the chopsticks. Their light touch against the porcelain bowl created a faint "click."

Lady Zheng despised this demeanor of his, wondering who he was putting on this show for.

Feigning the role of the dutiful son!

If he were truly filial, how could he oppose his father, defy her, his own mother, and confine her to this most remote and run-down courtyard?

Shen Yan took a seat on the small couch.

His dark eyes deep and tranquil, he looked at Lady Zheng and spoke the first words to her that day, "Aunt, do you truly wish for death? If so, I can bear the infamy of matricide and grant your wish. I've been trained in martial arts for years; I know how to kill efficiently. Just one strike, and you won't even feel pain; you'd be free."

On any other day, had Shen Yan spoken these words, Lady Zheng would surely have screamed threats, daring him to act.

But today's Shen Yan spoke emotionlessly, his well-like eyes intimidating, as if, upon her consent, he'd immediately have someone fetch a knife to fulfill her wish.

Disbelievingly, Lady Zheng shrieked, "You dare commit matricide! How audacious! You wish to kill me? Why the pretense? Simply send poisoned wine, claim I died of sudden illness the next day—who would dare question you, the esteemed young master? Even if the Duke and others found out, they'd cover for you, especially with your favored brother under the protection of the Crown Prince. As long as you please him, he'd shield you from any charges."

As Lady Zheng spoke, she seemed increasingly convinced of her own revelations, laughing, "Exactly, even if you openly killed me, your precious brother would clear your name, allowing you to walk free. Is that why you're so fearless?"

Finishing, she yelled loudly, "Help! Shen Yan wants to commit matricide! See for yourselves how heartless he is!"

"Aunt," Shen Yan's voice remained calm, "Was it not you who wished for death?"

He looked at Lady Zheng as if truly puzzled, "I thought you found life unbearable, genuinely seeking an end. Feeling that life has treated you unfairly, desiring relief... I assumed as much. So, you don't truly wish for death; you wish to continue living, don't you?"

Incredulously, Lady Zheng retorted, "You wish to commit matricide, all while washing your hands clean of blame. Who wishes to die when life is all we have?"

Shen Yan replied, "Indeed. So, what are you trying to accomplish?"

Before Lady Zheng could reply, he continued, "It's not that you're living poorly; it's that you think your life isn't good enough. You're trying to threaten me this way, believing I'd be coerced and prevent your death. You assume I'd be so easily intimidated, right?"

Lady Zheng found herself at a loss, facing this version of Shen Yan. An inexplicable fear took hold, sending chills down her spine.

It wasn't merely the realization that Shen Yan had grown up, thus becoming a threat.

Instead, she felt as though he had become a stranger, starkly different from the boy she remembered.

...Like a once-controlled child who had grown up and escaped her grasp.

The only thing she felt she held on to had slipped away.