Chapter 13: Eunuch Power Struggles and Bootlicking

Chapter 13: The Eunuchs' Battle for the Emperor's Favor

Soon, the table was fully laid with ornate, exquisite tableware. This was the emperor's main meal of the day, a total of one hundred and eight dishes.

The eunuchs and maids serving the dishes took as long as an incense stick to burn down. Yun Ran's anticipation for this meal was at an all-time high.

But wait!

She pulled out a pill from her pocket—one she had made earlier while concocting sleeping drugs—a poison-proof pill, and swallowed it without water.

Ahem!

There! Now nobody can poison me!

Time to eat!

"Burp!"

Before she could even start, Yun Ran suddenly convulsed, shot straight up, and glared at Yuanbao.

"Your Majesty, this servant deserves death,"

Eunuch Yuanbao had no clue what he'd done to catch the emperor's eye, and immediately dropped to his knees, shaking.

"Cough, cough, cough..."

Once she recovered, Yun Ran awkwardly fumbled another pill out of her pouch, glanced at it, and tossed it into her mouth.

She'd grabbed the wrong one earlier—she'd swallowed a "kick-the-bucket" death pill...

Good thing it was just a tiny test batch. How embarrassing, right in front of the eunuchs.

Yuanbao marveled to himself—His Majesty's so young, and already popping immortal pills.

Yun Ran glanced at Yuanbao, as if she could read his thoughts,

"What I'm taking isn't some immortal elixir—it's a secret palace recipe, the All-Powerful Rejuvenation Pill. It nourishes yin and boosts yang, fortifies the liver and kidneys, sharpens the eyes and clears the mind, fights aging, and strengthens the spleen and stomach. And for men, best of all, it can boost virility and bring back that springtime pep. Truly a treasure!"

At the words "boost virility," Eunuch Yuan had to admit he was hooked and perked up his ears.

That good? No wonder only the emperor gets to have it.

"Oh? Funny you should mention it—I just happen to have the recipe right here. Since you're my head eunuch, I'll be generous and give you one. Think of it as a work perk."

"Really?!"

Before Yuanbao's chubby face could even break into a grin, Yun Ran changed her tune,

"But this pill comes from a recipe I got from a holy monk all the way from the Great Tang. Without any merit, I can't just hand it over for free."

Yun Ran spun her story so convincingly that Eunuch Yuan was totally spellbound. The nearby eunuchs and maids also pricked up their ears, drooling with envy.

Xiao Yuanzi's heart was on fire—nourishing yin, boosting yang, bringing back that springtime vigor...

"Hiss."

He wiped his drool and, quick on the uptake, asked,

"Then how does one obtain this All-Powerful Rejuvenation Pill?"

His Majesty stroked his smooth chin with a mysterious air and said, deadpan,

"This is art! You understand?"

Eunuch Yuan's old face lit up, and he nodded like a fool.

"Yes, yes, I understand."

"Art never talks about money—it talks about fate. This great rejuvenation pill: a sincere offer of five hundred fate."

Fate? What kind of unit is that? Must be silver taels.

Yuanbao racked his tiny brain, then quickly fished out his secret stash and, catching on, handed over a thousand-tael note.

"Your Majesty, this is your servant's fate. Don't laugh at my humble offering."

Little rascal—how come everyone's got more money than me?

Yun Ran swiped the banknote from Yuanbao's hand with lightning speed and stuffed it into her own pocket.

Leave it to Yuanbao to bring in the treasure—see, I'm already raking it in.

Yuanbao was still grinning like an idiot, not even catching the emperor's move before his money vanished.

"Your pill needs to be bundled with other stuff. For the extra cash, I'll toss in some other pills for you. Come back in a month to pick up your order."

Yuanbao was confused—bundled shipment? What kind of goods is that?

But he wisely nodded and backed off.

Yun Ran had discovered that her predecessor had left her with nothing but empty pockets. If the treasury weren't being propped up by seizing corrupt officials' estates, it'd be a total joke.

She had to find a way to make some quick cash first...

Yun Ran watched eagerly as Xiao Yuanzi lifted the fancy lids one by one.

The first dish was steamed fish.

It looked pale and plain, with no garnish. Yun Ran took a deep breath and told herself,

Maybe the imperial chef just sucks at plating. Let's see how it tastes.

A young eunuch stood by to taste-test the dish. Yun Ran waited patiently for him to finish, then eagerly grabbed a bite with her chopsticks.

First bite... Hmm, no flavor.

Not sure—let me try another bite.

Yuanbao quickly served more, muttering to himself,

His Majesty took two bites of the same dish—is that even a thing...

Still no flavor!

Yun Ran savored it for a while, but all she tasted was a muddy fishiness, with hardly any salt or seasoning whatsoever!

Oh no! This is bad!

Yun Ran was crying inside as she sampled the other dishes one by one.

Still tasteless and colorless.

Guess the grub in this made-up dynasty really sucked.

"Ugh, I'm done eating!"

Yun Ran sighed and set her chopsticks down beside the bowl.

Yuanbao's heart skipped a beat right next to her.

Oh crap, she doesn't like the food.

The Grand Steward of the Imperial Kitchen was outside, ears perked, listening for any sound inside.

When he heard the emperor's voice, his knees buckled and he almost hit the floor.

"Yuanbao, come with me to the Imperial Kitchen."

Yun Ran marched off with her hands behind her back, while Eunuch Yuanbao scurried behind, hunched over, sweat beading on his forehead.

Yun Ran was fuming inside.

I'm a freaking emperor, and I've gotta cook my own food?!

I need to teach these guys the secrets of Chinese cooking, and fast—otherwise, with this tasteless, watery slop every day, how can I, a flower-loving bunny, survive this...

This isn't paradise—it's hell mode!

Yun Ran quickened her pace, itching to get cooking.

But the long line of people behind her was shaking in their boots, hands trembling.

Scared that if the emperor got angry, they'd lose their heads.

Word had already reached the Imperial Kitchen.

"The emperor's coming! The emperor!"

"Quick, quick! Clean up the stoves and yourselves! All you ugly ones—hide in the back rooms! Don't offend the emperor's eyes!"

Everyone knew by now that Yun Ran had, in a fit of rage, banished all the ugly eunuchs.

Now the whole palace knew the emperor was all about looks, and anyone ugly didn't dare show their face.

Little did Yun Ran know, her reputation had already spread like wildfire...

"Your humble servant Fu Gui welcomes the emperor."

The second Yun Ran stepped into the Imperial Kitchen, the Grand Steward and his crew dropped to their knees with a thud.

"Mm, get up. Today I'm gonna teach you a few dishes. Pick two quick and clever ones to come learn."

Grand Steward Fugui'er knew how to read the room. He nodded eagerly and quickly picked the two best-looking young eunuchs.

"Xiao Guizi, Xiao Dezhang, go on—be sharp! The emperor himself is gonna teach you; this is a huge honor!"

The two eunuchs he picked were indeed easy on the eyes, and they kept their heads down as they followed Eunuch Yuanbao.

Yun Ran shot Fugui'er a weird look.

She'd expected him to pick a couple of old cooks who looked like they could handle a wok, so why these two young guys?

"You, and you—you two come along too."

Yun Ran pointed at two chubby eunuchs who obviously looked like head cooks.

"Your servants Shun Cai and Bai Chuan kowtow in thanks for your immense grace."

The two bowed deeply, grinning ear to ear as they scurried after her.

Yun Ran looked at the Grand Steward's grinning old mug and got goosebumps.

Why is this so creepy...

Once Yun Ran was inside, the Grand Steward dropped the smile and wiped his forehead.

Oh crap, the emperor's taste has changed.

He doesn't like the pretty boys anymore, but prefers chubby old-timers?

He turned and, lowering his voice, barked orders at the young eunuchs.

"Starting tomorrow, all of you eat up and get fat! Any skinny ones get sent to the laundry to scrub toilets!"

"As you command."

Yun Ran walked into the kitchen, which had been scrubbed spotless.

"Yuanbao, go get me a slab of pork belly with five parts fat and three parts lean, plus some bay leaves, cardamom, star anise, cinnamon, cassia bark, rock sugar, and soy sauce."

Xiao Yuanzi was stumped, shaking as he whispered.

"Your Majesty, what's soy sauce? This servant has no idea."

Yun Ran's forehead was covered in dark lines as she explained it for ages before Yuanbao finally got it.

Oh, it was that red oil used to paint meat during sacrifices.

That red oil was only used to color meat for offerings.

After all, it was fermented stuff, never meant to be eaten.

Yuanbao thought, if this gets used in cooking,

and those old farts at court find out, and the emperor gets sick from it, wouldn't I be the biggest sinner in history?

"Your Majesty, this red oil... does the palace even have any?"

Yun Ran's brows furrowed.

"Of course it does! Why wouldn't it!"

Eunuch Yuan wiped the cold sweat off his forehead, feeling like the emperor was stomping on him from some moral high horse.

"Your Majesty, this... looks like we don't have it!" He decided to play clueless.

But Yun Ran grabbed him by the ear, leaned in close, and said,

"This is an absolute must!!"

One look at his face told her the palace did have it, though she couldn't figure out why it wasn't considered food.

To them, it was probably like me trying to cook with glue or something...

Eunuch Yuanbao clutched his red ear and scurried off to fetch it.

Yun Ran glanced at the eunuchs standing before her, looking utterly bewildered, and the corner of her mouth twitched.

Why are my fists clenching?

"Here's the red oil, Your Majesty, hehehehe..."

Eunuch Yuan wiped the sweat from his forehead and covertly studied the emperor's expression out of the corner of his eye.

When we eat, I'll have to taste it first. If I get poisoned, His Majesty will give up on eating it too.

It's just a pity I won't get to enjoy that tonic pill I've had my eye on...

Eunuch Yuanbao's face was a whirlwind of emotions.

At that moment, Yun Ran missed Chang Yuan dearly—her great general was the best.

Her thoughts drifted back, and all the ingredients were already laid out.

Just as she was about to cut the meat, Fugui'er hastily stopped her in a panic.

"Your Majesty's hands mustn't touch pork grease. Let me do it, hehe. What cut does Your Majesty want?"

"Move aside. When cooking, there's no room for being squeamish. 'A gentleman keeps his distance from the kitchen' doesn't mean that. All of you watch closely—if you don't learn, go find somewhere else to work!"

Yun Ran had already picked up the cleaver and deftly chopped the pork belly into small chunks.

This slab of pork belly weighed a full five catties. She thought for a moment, then cut it all.

Better to make a big pot and let the imperial consorts in the harem have a taste too.

In her grand plan to fill the treasury, the court and harem were essential.

The eunuchs around her were all stunned, never imagining the emperor had such cooking skills!

To be a ruler these days, did you need to be this versatile?

From that moment on, the imperial kitchen secretly sparked a wave of cutthroat competition, with everyone practicing their cooking day and night.

If professionals couldn't beat amateurs at cooking, what was the point?

With the meat ready, Yun Ran turned and looked around. Yuanbao caught on right away.

"Your Majesty, let's change into something more casual."

"Alright."

Soon, Yun Ran came out in ink-green cloud-patterned casual robes. As she raised her arm, faint golden dragon threads showed at the cuffs.

She found the sleeves too wide, so Yuanbao tied them up with arm straps.

Yun Ran was pleased.

"Your Majesty really has a regal bearing—tall, elegant, and striking."

Yuanbao's face broke into a beaming smile as he hurriedly flattered her.

Today's imperial butt-kissing must be mine first!

He immediately got a death glare from Fu Gui...

Yun Ran rolled her eyes at him, raised an eyebrow with a hint of amusement, then went back to work.

The cut pork belly went into cold water and heated over low heat, with a few slices of ginger thrown in.

"Yellow wine."

Yuanbao quickly handed over the yellow wine.

Grand Steward Fugui, crouching low, hovered on Yun Ran's other side, staring eagerly but failing to snag any task from Eunuch Yuan.

He fumed inside,

You're so high and mighty! So eager to suck up! Can't you see His Majesty told me to stand by?

You've taken all the work—this is all favor I've earned. Yuanbao, you shameless bastard!

Yun Ran glanced at Fugui's slightly twisted face and raised an eyebrow.

"Fugui'er, go heat up the wok for me."

"On it, Your Majesty!"

Fugui's face lit up with joy. Yun Ran knew well the art of spreading the love.

Being an emperor was truly no easy job.

The blanched meat was ready, with a large ring of white foam floating in the pot.

Yun Ran directed the two plump eunuchs she'd just appointed.

"Shun Cai, scoop out the meat and rinse it clean."

Shun Cai, delighted to receive the emperor's command, shot a smug glance at Bai Chuan beside him.

Then he went off to wash the meat, beaming.

Bai Chuan glared at him angrily, then continued staring devotedly at the emperor, trying to catch her attention.

The wok was already hot.

For red-braised pork, Yun Ran always preferred melting rock sugar in oil—this dynasty's food was simply too bland, and a richer, oilier look seemed more impressive.

Once the oil was hot, she poured in a small dish of yellow rock sugar.

Everyone around widened their eyes.

Why is His Majesty stir-frying yellow sugar in oil? What kind of move is this?

Soon, the intense heat turned the sugar into a deep brown caramel in an instant. Yun Ran picked up the meat chunks and tipped them in.

The white pieces met the thick, sugary syrup, and a sizzling burst erupted.

For a moment,

"Crackle, crackle..."