Chapter 22: Ministers Embroidering in a Latrine

Chapter 22: Ministers Embroidering in the Privy

Chang Yuan, overhearing the emperor's muttering from nearby, scratched his head a little, embarrassed.

"Chang Chun has been a little hellion since she was a kid, not like other proper young ladies who do their embroidery and play the zither. Her brothers were way too indulgent with her. Now she can't do a single one of the four arts—zither, chess, calligraphy, or painting. All she knows is how to swing a spear and wave a stick around. Her ma and I worry ourselves sick every day that she'll never get married off."

Yun Ran shot the general a teasing look.

"Oh, cut it out. I can tell you're plenty proud of her."

Indeed, Chang Yuan was proud—he was famous for being a total girl-dad.

"Besides, getting married isn't the only thing a woman can do with her life, and it shouldn't be the yardstick for judging what they're capable of. Who says women can't do what men can do?"

Chang Yuan had never heard the emperor talk like this before, and he was caught off guard.

"But, Your Majesty, if Chang Chun never marries, what's she supposed to do with herself?"

Yun Ran turned her head and looked off into the distance.

"She could do all kinds of things. If she wants to teach, she can be a schoolteacher. If she wants to be a court official, she can pass the civil service exams. If she wants to charge across the battlefield, she can be a general."

"Your Majesty, are you saying—"

Chang Yuan's eyes went wide. He clapped a hand over his mouth and dropped his voice to a whisper.

"Have Chang Chun... you know...?"

"What?! Are you out of your mind?!"

Yun Ran gave her general a look of pure disgust, then suddenly cracked her whip, yanked the reins, and took off. Through the billowing dust, all Chang Yuan heard was one line.

"Who says just because you're a woman, you can't do these things?"

Before Chang Yuan could even catch his breath, Yuan Bao, who'd been tagging along, scurried after them, hollering at the top of his lungs.

"Your Majesty, wait for your servant! Your Majes—tyyy!"

...

After that, things went pretty smoothly.

Yun Ran had only been transmigrated here for about half a year.

The old ministers had come back, and the political marriage had been stopped.

Building toilets was quickly moved to the top of Yun Ran's to-do list. Even though Wang Huaian, the old Minister of Revenue, was the cheapest man in the entire court, Yun Ran paid for the toilets and the palace plumbing out of her own private funds, which shut him right up.

After the toilets were built, every single one of those old geezers was completely hooked.

Modern toilets—who wouldn't be blown away by them?

After court let out that day, a bunch of ministers were dragging their feet, not wanting to leave.

Yuan Bao was the first to run to Yun Ran to tattle.

"Boss, those officials are all trying every trick to stay in the palace and work! They must have tried out the new privy yesterday and gotten a taste of the good life, and now they want more."

"Eh, what's the big deal? Let them enjoy it all they want! Did you collect the bathroom fees?"

Yuan Bao nodded like crazy.

"Got it, got it! I've got Xiao Zhuzi standing at the door collecting fees all day long. He has to empty his money pouch every two hours because it gets so full it's weighing him down!"

"Oh, and just now, Lord Jiang thought the bowl was so clean it must be a well, and he almost pulled out his water flask to scoop some up! Good thing Xiao Zhuzi stopped him before he did it."

Yun Ran snorted with laughter.

Yuan Bao's heart did a little happy dance—he knew his boss loved hearing about these shady shenanigans.

Today's royal butt-kissing was a total success! ✌️

Elder Lord Jiang, Minister of Rites: Another day of bad luck, even choking on cold water...

The Royal Bathroom:

Xiao Zhuzi's hands were getting sore from all the coin-collecting at the door.

"Gentlemen, hold your horses, hold your horses! There are only six squat toilets inside. The rest of you, just wait outside a minute."

Meng Qianchen, the Minister of Works, was first in line, his face beaming with pride.

He clasped his hands behind his back, stuck his chin up, and looked left, then right.

Watching his usual colleagues gawk like country bumpkins who'd never seen anything fancy, his ego was inflating like a balloon.

Hmph! The emperor personally gave him the blueprints for this privy, and he'd personally supervised the construction day and night, studying and directing every little detail.

Even he had never seen or heard of the stuff stuck on those walls—how could these old fossils have ever seen anything like this?

Lord Meng was still admiring his masterpiece, feeling mighty pleased with himself, when Wang Huaian, the Minister of Revenue, sidled up next to him.

"Meng Qianchen, this privy is so fancy—His Majesty must have dropped a fortune on it."

Meng Qianchen looked at old Lord Wang, who was making all sorts of faces at him, and knew he was feeling cheap again and wanted to pry into how much it all cost.

"Hmph! His Majesty paid for this privy out of his own pocket! None of your business!"

"Oh, come on, look at you—I'm just asking, that's all. This glass mirror is so bright and clear—you can tell it cost a pretty penny."

Old Lord Wang pursed his lips in annoyance. Half pained, half amazed, he reached out to touch the full-length mirror in the grooming station by the door.

Xiao Zhuzi saw him and rushed over to stop him.

"Old Lord Wang, you can't touch that! It'll leave fingerprints!"

"Hmph, this darn thing is mighty precious, isn't it?"

Wang Huaian pulled his hand back, sulking, but his feet stayed planted in front of the mirror, refusing to move.

After a while longer, the people behind him started getting impatient. General Qi, who had no patience to speak of, started hollering outright.

"Hurry it up! What's going on in there? Embroidering? What's taking you so long to take a dump?"

"Yeah!"

The bunch of military officers started getting riled up.

What was happening inside? Little Pillar went in to take a look.

Oh my!

Every last one of them was standing in front of the mirror, washing their faces. And to top it off, General Chang was actually washing his hair in there!

Little Pillar's mouth gave a twitch.

"General Chang, isn't the water cold?"

"Not cold at all! In the army, we never have hot water. I'm an old hand at this."