chapter 83

Chapter 83: Only a Straightforward Man Would...

In the past, whenever Shen He shared a bed with Qi Zhuoyun, he was always indifferent.

He figured, since the guardian could tolerate being kicked, and he insisted on sleeping with him, at most he would feel a tad guilty for his erratic sleeping habits.

Beyond that, he felt nothing.

Only now did Shen He realize that the previous unconditional indulgence might have been misguided.

Whether seen as a child raised under the watchful eye of a guardian or as a younger brother close to his elder, Shen He needed some personal space to process certain emotions.

Shen He used to pride himself on his ability to digest feelings quickly. No matter how big the issue, as long as he redirected his focus and viewed matters positively, reminding himself not to dwell on immutable facts, he could find peace.

For instance, after his time-travel experience and the inevitable separation from family and friends, he had, over many years of self-adjustment, reached a point where he only occasionally missed them without feeling sorrow.

Now, he realized he might have overestimated himself.

Or perhaps the main culprit of his emotional turbulence was the one sticking too close to him, giving him no room to breathe or adjust.

Qi Zhuoyun didn't provide him with any chance to regulate his feelings.

Shen He lay facing away from the edge of the bed.

To prevent Qi Zhuoyun from encroaching on his space that night, he sprawled out in a star shape, trying to occupy the entire bed, making it difficult for Qi Zhuoyun to push him inward.

Considering it was Qi Zhuoyun's birthday, Shen He felt it would be rude to directly refuse him. Thus, when Qi Zhuoyun entered, he was met with a young man feigning sleep.

Qi Zhuoyun stood by the bed, observing for a moment.

A mischievous thought crossed his mind as he sat on the bed's edge, wondering what Shen He was plotting this time.

Pretending to sleep was one thing, but Shen He could have done a better job at it to prevent detection.

Qi Zhuoyun's lips curled in amusement. Today, he was in a particularly good mood, and his thoughts had an energetic and whimsical edge even he didn't realize.

Playfully, he leaned closer to Shen He's face, observing those raven-like lashes.

His breath brushed over Shen He's cheek, causing the lashes to flutter involuntarily.

"Hehe? Why are you asleep so early today?" The young man's voice sounded genuinely puzzled.

Shen He struggled to control his physiological reactions.

Internally, he was screaming: Don't blush! Don't! Who blushes in their sleep?!

No matter how much he willed it, a rosy hue slowly crept onto his fair and soft cheeks.

Feeling the warmth spread across his face, Shen He despaired.

Maybe it was better if he just opened his eyes now, to avoid the greater embarrassment of being caught by Qi Zhuoyun.

Before he knew it, a pair of arms slipped around his waist, pulling him into an embrace.

A young man's voice whispered in his ear, "Your limbs stretched out, feeling warm?"

Then, a warm forehead pressed against his.

Those hands weren't Qiu Zhuoyun's; Shen He was certain of it.

Probably on his forehead, he could distinctly feel the warmth of Qiu Zhuoyun's breath brushing against the tip of his nose.

Shen He's heart raced once more.

Shen He thought to himself, "Am I falling ill? Is this a precursor to a heart ailment?"

In ancient times, heart disease was surely a fatal diagnosis, wasn't it?

As these absurd thoughts crossed Shen He's mind, his cheeks grew even hotter.

Fortunately, the person holding him didn't maintain that position for long.

Shen He was carefully cradled and set down on the inner side of the bed, his arm guided back under the covers and tucked in neatly.

Then the space beside him dipped as someone lay down.

No other movements followed.

Only the distinct sound of breathing reached his ears.

Listening to the rhythmic breathing and his own wildly beating heart, Shen He found sleep elusive.

What happened to his usually impeccable internal clock? Why didn't it send him off to dreamland immediately?

Shen He felt both anxious and restless. It was hard to pin down in a word or two, but he felt trapped in an unfamiliar, eerie state.

Perhaps it was the realization that he had unintentionally done something he shouldn't have, and the ensuing anxious anticipation of judgment and punishment.

When feeling nervous or restless, Shen He liked to fidget, perhaps drumming his fingers or making some other gesture to ease his anxiety.

But now, he couldn't.

Shen He began to regret, one misstep leading to another. If only he hadn't feigned sleep!

He comforted himself internally, thinking, "Could it be just a misperception?"

He was no longer a child. He'd been an adult for many years. If any feelings were to emerge, shouldn't they have surfaced when the other became an adult years ago?

What's different now from a few years back?

Perhaps it's merely his body entering the tumultuous phase of adolescence, where surging hormones and a flood of energy lead to distortions in perception.

After all, considering his orientation, experiencing certain misperceptions during such turbulent times could be excused, right?

Yes, that's probably it. Once this turbulent phase is over, he'll be back to his usual self!

Shen He managed to convince himself.

His once frantic heartbeat seemed persuaded too. After a few hesitant beats, it gradually returned to its regular pace.

Shen He drifted into a peaceful slumber.

Just before sleep took over, he mused, "If I can fall asleep, it must be the hormones."

Ah, those bothersome hormones.

How could he, of all people, make such a mistake?

He probably didn't!

His breathing softened, and the young man beside him drew closer, both blissfully unaware and deeply asleep.

Thus, when gentle lips bestowed a cherished kiss upon his eyelids, he felt nothing.

……

Shen He was certain it was a dream.

It felt as if he was observing the dream from a god-like vantage point.

In the dream, he clearly saw Qiu Zhuoyun enter his room, pull back his covers, position him towards the inside of the bed, and then lie down beside him.

He knew Qiu Zhuoyun was smiling, his dark eyes filled with tenderness, seemingly capable of accepting all of Shen He and forever offering him that gentle warmth.

And he reserved this unique gentleness just for him alone.

Who doesn't enjoy being favored?

Shen He is but a mere mortal; he cannot escape such temptations and thus relishes in the exclusive attentiveness Qiu Zhuoyun offers him.

From his god-like vantage point in the dream, Shen He shamelessly muttered, "It's precisely because of this favoritism that I was misled by my hormones! Seriously, since when is it acceptable to spoil a younger sibling like this? Can't there be a little more discipline and sternness?"

He shifted the blame to Qiu Zhuoyun in his dream, but soon felt guilty, considering himself quite a scoundrel.

As if being treated well by someone was now a fault.

He rambled on in this manner when he suddenly felt being held tightly.

His perspective shifted from the observer of the dream to its main protagonist.

Unbeknownst to him, he had seamlessly transitioned between viewpoints.

The young man in his dream was indistinguishable from the one in reality, causing Shen He's thoughts to whirl.

He vaguely recalled that this was, in fact, a dream.

Yet, the embrace was so warm, the young man's presence so comforting, every fiber of his being gradually relaxed.

The youth, smiling with deep amusement in his eyes, leaned in to place a kiss upon Shen He's nose.

It was feather-light, fleeting, leaving behind a gentle warmth so brief it felt almost imaginary.

Without a word, he continued to gaze at Shen He, the next kiss landed, but it was no longer fleeting – it was on Shen He's lips.

Shen He had never been kissed, not even a peck on the lips, let alone a passionate, tongue-tangling one.

He didn't understand how he could dream such a realistic sensation, so real that he felt breathless from the intensity of the kiss.

Dazed, he merely allowed the dream to carry him along.

……

Shen He woke up early.

Outside was pitch black.

Inside, the dim glow of a candle flickered faintly.

He didn’t awaken on his own; something startled him awake.

Upon awakening, he was warm under the covers, his cheek resting against an arm, the residual warmth of the skin discernible through the pajamas.

The blankets were half-overlapped, and he had once again rolled to the outer edge, sleeping nestled in Qiu Zhuoyun's embrace.

Perhaps Qiu Zhuoyun had grown accustomed to holding him like this. So, when Shen He rolled over, Qiu Zhuoyun simply wrapped his arms around him, cradling him childlike, without a hint of hesitation.

Such a warm and secure cocoon, accompanied by another's presence, was ideal for a long winter's rest, extending well past dawn.

Yet, Shen He felt not a trace of drowsiness; in fact, he felt chilled to the bone.

Staring at the bed canopy, he cautiously tried to turn and extricate himself from Qiu Zhuoyun’s embrace.

The young man was a light sleeper. With a wearied voice and an arm securing Shen He's shoulders, he pulled him closer, holding even tighter.

His voice raspy, he whispered, "It's still early. Don’t move. Sleep a bit more."

Shen He turned ashen.

He felt both cold and hot, a stark contrast within.

His upper body was frigid, his heart nearly ceasing, but the lower half was quite the opposite.

This invigorated sensation rendered Shen He's face even paler.

He didn’t dare struggle and attempt to climb out. Instead, he tried to inch backward, hoping Qiu Zhuoyun wouldn’t notice.

Even if Qiu Zhuoyun did notice, Shen He knew that he wouldn't possibly fathom what Shen He had dreamt about, brushing it off as a natural physiological reaction.

But at this moment, just the thought of being discovered by Qiu Zhuoyun felt mortifying to Shen He.

After moving a small distance away without any reaction from Qiu Zhuoyun, Shen He allowed himself a slight sigh of relief.

Expressionless, he stared at the halo of light the candle cast through the bed canopy.

He thought to himself, "I might be in deep trouble."

Shen He has never been in love before, but he has heard countless theories about romance. Of those, sexual attraction is perhaps the most definite.

Of course, feeling such an attraction doesn’t equate to genuine affection. Some shameless men might feel a stir upon seeing a beautiful photo, but that doesn't mean they genuinely like the person.

Shen He is not one of them. He knows himself well. Though he has long recognized his own sexuality, he has never experienced such urges. Compared to people, the impulses given by physiological knowledge were even more potent.

But now, he feels something different.

With a stoic face, Shen He coldly unearthed every little detail he had once feigned ignorance about, and held an inner trial against himself.

It wasn't sudden, he had loved for a while now.

There were inexplicable anxieties, an unconscious tension when the other approached, occasional physiological urges, and many more subtle signs.

Perhaps his sudden decision to distance himself from Qi Zhuoyun was an instinctive realization that something was amiss.

If there wasn’t the slightest romantic inclination, their bond would simply be the purest of brotherly love. What would he have to be guilty about?

After all, straight men are straightforward, only those deeply closeted tread carefully.

Even if he liked men, so what? As long as he firmly believed that his relationship with Qi Zhuoyun was nothing more than that of a guardian and ward, of elder and younger brother, or a boss and a subordinate, even if they stood naked face-to-face, Shen He would feel no guilt.

His guilt stemmed not from the fear of Qi Zhuoyun's future disdain, but from the fear that Qi Zhuoyun might despise him for having inappropriate feelings.

The former is a blow; the latter, a torment.

Shen He, gazing at the glowing halo, felt an overwhelming sense of injustice.

An injustice he had never felt before.

So much so that he couldn't hold back the tears, which fell from his eyes and wet the bedding.

Why is this happening?

He thought resentfully, not even sure who he was resenting.

Why this? Did someone think he was too happy and wanted to add some sorrow to his life?

Of all people to fall for, why did it have to be the one where things could become most awkward and unlikely?

Shen He couldn't imagine what Qi Zhuoyun's expression would be if he not only discovered his sexual orientation but also sensed Shen He's inappropriate feelings for him.

Disgust, taking a step back, and cutting ties forever?

All were possibilities.

Shen He thought that if he were straight and had a close friend who harbored impure thoughts towards him, he'd likely distance himself and never see that person again.

He wouldn't hate that friend, but they definitely wouldn't remain close buddies or brothers.

What about Qi Zhuoyun?

With tears falling, Shen He thought, "Ah, he'd probably wish he never met me."