Chapter 106: Sense of Loss of Control

Chapter 106: A Sense of Losing Control

He felt a loss of control.

Shen Huai's thoughts had always been profound, keeping all true emotions well-hidden. This feeling of exposure made him deeply uncomfortable.

Subconsciously, he dismissed the discomfort and deliberately avoided looking at Su Jiaojiao. Instead, he stepped forward and sat by Nurse's bedside, gazing at her with gentle warmth, his voice slightly quiet: "I wish to speak with the nurse privately. All of you, step outside and wait."

"Yes."

Everyone at the door bowed and prepared to withdraw, Su Jiaojiao included.

Though Nurse had regained some energy, she remained very weak. Yet, upon seeing the Emperor arrive, her eyes brightened with joy.

She glanced at His Majesty's expression but did not rush to speak or ask Su Jiaojiao to stay. Instead, she lifted the blanket to rise from the bed, tears glistening in her eyes: "This old servant is overjoyed that Your Majesty has come."

Shen Huai quickly supported her arm and helped her lie back down, speaking softly: "I've told you before, there is no need for such formalities. Why must you always stand on ceremony?"

"How did you hurt your leg? Clearly, those serving you have been negligent. I'll assign new attendants to you."

Nurse gazed at the Emperor, her fondness and pride growing with each look, as though he were her own flesh and blood.

To her, the Emperor had long been no different from family. She had watched him grow from birth, witnessing his ascent to the throne. This enduring affection had long since become as precious as kinship.

Propped up on the soft pillows, she patted His Majesty's hand and said, "You're the Emperor now. Though our bond is deep, propriety must not be neglected."

Now that they were alone, Nurse relaxed and smiled: "It was I who dismissed the attendants and sent them away. As for my injury, I must thank Noble Consort Zhen."

At the mention of Su Jiaojiao, a flicker of discomfort crossed Shen Huai's expression, though his composure remained unshaken. He listened as Nurse continued:

"I had intended to clear a patch of land by the door for planting vegetables, but a loose boulder nearby rolled down and struck my leg. This place is remote, and with no attendants, I was trapped beneath the rock for a full day and night. Had Noble Consort Zhen not happened upon me with her entourage, who knows how much longer I might have remained pinned there?"

"Noble Consort Zhen had never met me before. Yet, despite her high status, she personally brought help to rescue me in my time of need. Such kindness is rare indeed."

Nurse chuckled at her own frailty, but her eyes and brows were alight with warmth and affection.

Shen Huai knew she spoke lightly to spare him worry, but he understood all too well how agonizing and despairing it must have been for her—trapped beneath a rock at her age for so long.

Yet Nurse had always been this way—kind-hearted, never wishing to burden him with her suffering. He relaxed his expression slightly and clasped her wrinkled hands, smiling faintly: "Noble Consort Zhen is indeed kind-hearted, and that is good. She has done well in saving you, and I'll see she's properly rewarded. You may rest assured."

"Now that you are injured, you cannot go without attendants. I'll have Cai Shan personally choose two capable ones to serve you. Do not refuse this time."

Nurse could only nod and smile: "You are too thoughtful, Your Majesty."

"Before you arrived, I noticed the bracelet on Noble Consort Zhen's wrist—your mother's most treasured one." She gazed deeply into the Emperor's eyes and said, "Rumors had reached me before, claiming Noble Consort Zhen enjoys unparalleled favor in the palace, that she is the most beloved among the Imperial Consorts. Seeing it for myself now, I know the rumors hold truth."

"Had Your Majesty not cherished her deeply, why else would you have gifted her that bracelet?"

Shen Huai fell silent for a moment before lowering his gaze and replying: "Noble Consort Zhen is beautiful and dutiful, which pleases me greatly. It is because I value her that I gave her my mother's bracelet."

Nurse studied him intently: "Is that really all?"

He did not wish to answer further.

With a soft sigh, Nurse murmured: "Your mother is gone. Xue Miao is gone. I am old now and, due to certain... sensitivities, can only live out my days in the summer palace. By Your Majesty's side, there is no one who truly understands your heart. You are the Son of Heaven, ruling over all under heaven—yet the higher one stands, the colder the solitude."

"I watched you grow up. How could I not understand the cold grief buried deep within you? Noble Consort Zhen is a good woman, and it is rare for Your Majesty to treat her differently. Could it truly be that you gifted her your mother's most cherished bracelet just because she's obedient? Have you never once questioned the reason yourself?"

Though aged, Nurse's mind remained sharp. Her voice was as gentle and kind as ever, stirring memories in Shen Huai of his childhood—of her and his mother sewing small garments by the window while he played with Xue Miao in his arms. Her words came softly, like a lullaby from a loving mother: "I know nothing of statecraft, but I have always wished for Your Majesty to have a warm place in your life, so you don't always have to carry your burdens alone."

Shen Huai remained silent for a few breaths before speaking softly, "The Royal Nurse seems to favor Noble Consort Zhen greatly."

"Your Majesty favors her, and she is my savior. If I don’t like her, who else should I like?" The nurse smiled and said, "I’m old now. What I care about more than anything is not how much I possess, but whether I am happy. Even if there are three thousand beauties in the harem, if one isn’t happy, none of them compare to one truly cherished person."

As an emperor, Shen Huai knew that everyone wanted something from him—be it official rank, favor, power, or status. They all urged him to prioritize the grand scheme, to secure the royal lineage, to govern the empire.

Only the Royal Nurse wished for his happiness.

Though her words were subtle, hinting at deeper meaning, Shen Huai understood their intent.

Yet he had never believed in such things—he scorned them outright.

He had witnessed firsthand how his mother had been destroyed by so-called love. He had seen too many fickle men and withered affections. Love was an illusory, self-deceiving thing, and those who indulged in it never met a good end.

His mother had loved his father—so much that she lost a child due to his favor toward Consort Rou, so much that she drew a blade across her own throat, dying before his and his father’s eyes. His father had loved his mother too, from sincere protection at first, to casting her aside for a new favorite in just a few short years.

Shen Huai would never forget the feeling of his mother’s blood splashing onto him—so utterly despairing and desolate.

Back then, he was still young and couldn’t understand why his mother would choose such a final way to leave this world. What depth of heartbreak could make her abandon him and Xue Miao?

Only when he grew older did he realize that his mother had prized her love for his father above all else.

Yet she died without ever seeing his father return to her.

Shen Huai knew it was Consort Rou who had killed his mother, so on a night lit by raging flames, he personally killed Consort Rou.

But when he was dragged before his father, the emperor looked at his face—so similar to his mother’s—and suddenly burst into tears.

He executed all the palace servants involved and declared to the outside world that a rogue assassin had accidentally killed Consort Rou. Though Shen Huai was never formally accused, his father refused to see him or Xue Miao ever again. From then on, life became grindingly harder by the day.

Shen Huai found it all laughable.

His father had once sworn undying love to his mother, only to transfer his affections so readily to Consort Rou, allowing others to trample his mother. Yet after her death, he feigned heartbreak, covering up for Shen Huai, ordering all traces of his mother’s existence erased, never entering the harem again—as if devoured by remorse.

But whether he had been frightened by his mother’s grisly death or finally awakened by guilt, either reason only made Shen Huai scoff.

Such things proved how absurd and ridiculous love truly was.

Later, when Xue Miao passed away from illness, he was placed in the empress’s charge, wed as protocol demanded, and ascended the throne. The path he walked had been filled with too much hardship.

The burden on his shoulders was too heavy. He had neither the mood nor the time for dreams.

These emotions and desires were useless distractions. What mattered most was governing the nation. As for the harem, it was merely a place of mutual benefit, a stage for performative dalliance.

As for Su Jiaojiao—

He did find her different.

She had the appearance he favored, a pleasing temperament, and above all, an aura of enigma he couldn’t quite decipher.

Su Jiaojiao appeared demure and delicate on the surface, yet she was shrouded in an unfathomable veil—unfathomable, untouchable, always stirring his curiosity and desire to unravel her.

It was as if she had many hidden facets, and only in rare moments could he catch a glimpse of a side she had never shown before.

Shen Huai had never expected such a woman in his harem. She seemed so fragile, as if she might break without his protection, yet despite her delicate beauty and shy demeanor, she was bold in teasing him, stirring faint tremors in his heart.

Su Jiaojiao was like a woman crafted for him alone, yet always separated by an unfathomable veil. The more he failed to see through her, the more he longed to glimpse her true heart.

Shen Huai felt that what truly set Su Jiaojiao apart wasn't her beauty or figure, nor even her playful moods when trying to please him, but rather her indefinable quality that made his heart experience a strange flutter whenever he attempted to delve deeper into understanding her.

That strange flutter left him unsettled and wary. With each surge of emotion, he suppressed it; with every stirring of his heart, he reminded himself to stay guarded.

Over the past year, such moments had been countless, yet he had always maintained perfect control—hiding those hidden disturbances in the darkest corners of his mind. But today, after she met the old nursemaid who knew him best in this world, it was as if he had been forcibly dragged out of the darkness and exposed to the radiant light that only Su Jiaojiao cast.

Now, he had no choice but to face her complete examination and the new understanding she had gained.

Su Jiaojiao had now transcended all other Imperial Consorts.

She knew all of his past—and perhaps, with the nursemaid's guidance, she might even come to understand the resistance in his heart, along with...

The persistent flicker of doubt and hope, like candlelight in the night.

That doubt and hope stemmed from his mother's unwavering love for his father.

No matter when or where, Shen Huai had always been in complete control.

But today, he felt himself losing his grip.

Faced with the old nursemaid's hopeful and tender gaze, Shen Huai instinctively clenched his fists, lowered his eyes, and ordered toward the doorway: "Summon Noble Consort Zhen inside."