Chapter 19 Knowing

Chapter 19 Realization

Mou Wen's embrace was so featherlight and quick, like it never even happened.

But Xie Chong could feel how warm she was.

She was a warm, genuine person, and she hugged him like you'd hug a friend.

This had never happened to Xie Chong before.

Xie Chong didn't have many friends—especially female ones.

He didn't like making friends because, in his mind, friends were like the stubble on his face: shave one batch, and another grows right back—none of them stuck around. His one true friend was Qian Song. Qian Song was a "shamelessly persistent" guy who didn't give a damn about Xie Chong's weird temper or anything else. He just barged into his time and space, and that's how they became friends.

He had no female friends. In his mind, Jiang Wu didn't count—she was the type of woman he'd secretly admired since he was young.

He liked being by himself.

But Mou Wen's spontaneous, heartfelt hug caught him off guard. It had been ages since he'd felt so sure he'd actually made a friend.

His friend Mou Wen didn't think twice about that hug. She was standing right in front of him, grinning.

She asked him, "Did you run out of oxygen? You look kinda out of it."

Then she ran over to the pull-up bar, grabbed her clothes, and got dressed, then handed Xie Chong his coat: "Here, put this on—it's getting windy and cold."

Xie Chong let her fuss over him, sneaking glances at her every now and then. Mou Wen was always smiling at him. But now it hit her—her friendly hug might've given Xie Chong the wrong idea, and she was scared he'd stop talking to her completely.

But Xie Chong didn't bring it up again. Instead, he changed the subject. He asked when she was gonna treat him to that second meal. She said maybe tomorrow, if she got off work early enough.

Xie Chong said, "Then give me a call when you're done tomorrow."

"Sure, sure."

On the way home, they chatted about this and that. Mou Wen loved nights like this—walking next to someone she liked made even the air feel cleaner.

She was in a great mood, practically skipping as she walked. At the entrance to her building, she said bye and walked off without looking back.

Mou Wen had planned to treat Xie Chong to lunch the next day, but Lin Weisen dragged her out for karaoke. Lin Weisen was treating Xiao Gu and four or five other coworkers to dinner and karaoke because that little punk had signed the contract.

Mou Wen asked Lin Weisen if the punk had mentioned her afterward. Lin Weisen said dismissively, "Guys like that don't waste much time on any one person. If one doesn't work out, they move on to the next. Hell, they might even be seeing a few at once."

"Why, Master? How can people like that exist?" Mou Wen didn't get it—couldn't wrap her head around that kind of dark human nature and messy relationships.

"You're still young. I'll say it again: give it a few years, and you'll see that people like that aren't even the worst of it." Lin Weisen said, "Better to run into them now. The sooner you meet them, the sooner you wise up."

Mou Wen nodded, deep in thought.

That day, karaoke wrapped up at two in the afternoon, and Mou Wen took the bus home. She sat on the sunny side, leaned her head against the window, and dozed off. Light and shadow kept sweeping across her face—bright, dark, bright, dark... just like life: good, bad, good, bad...

She definitely wasn't thinking anything that deep. She just felt that the bumpy bus ride and the sunshine gave her a peaceful kind of happiness. But that happiness came to a screeching halt the second she got off the bus—her phone was gone.

Mou Wen had never lost a thing in her life.

She treasured everything she owned, even the tiniest hairpin or pencil—she'd use them over and over until they were completely used up. The first thing she ever lost in her life just had to be such an expensive phone.

She stood by the side of the road, totally lost, tears welling up from heartache. Why'd she have to take that nap? Now look what happened—her phone was gone. She wanted to chase down the bus to look for it, but then she realized she wouldn't find it. Her phone had been stolen.

Phone-less, she trudged home feeling miserable.

Chu Ling was doing laundry. When she saw how upset Mou Wen looked, she wiped the suds off her hands and came over to ask what was wrong.

Mou Wen pouted and said, "I lost it. I lost my phone. I'm going to Zhongguancun to get a new one."

"I'll go with you," Chu Ling said. "My coworker lost her phone a few days ago too. There's been a ton of phone thefts lately."

"It's fine, it's fine," Mou Wen tried to tell herself. But how could it be fine? She'd lost so many contacts. At least she remembered her parents' numbers. When they got to Dinghao Building, the phone floor was packed. They squeezed their way in, and no matter which model Mou Wen looked at, she thought it was too pricey. In the end, she went with the 5300.

Xie Chong had been waiting at home for Mou Wen all day. By evening, his "new" friend still hadn't shown. Xie Chong called her twice—the first one connected, but nobody said anything and it hung up fast. The second went straight to voicemail.

Xie Chong thought: Just as I figured. Can't have friends. They're too two-faced. He turned around and headed out.

After buying her new phone, Mou Wen ran over to Xie Chong's place. She wanted to explain in person why she'd broken her promise, but nobody was home. So he hadn't been waiting for her after all. Well, that was fine—it eased her guilt a little.

Her National Day holiday was completely booked up with clients.

Their industry also followed the "golden September, silver October" trend. This was her first year in the thick of it, and as luck would have it, the real estate market was starting to blow up. She spent her entire National Day holiday measuring apartments, drawing up plans, measuring apartments, drawing up plans.

Mou Wen worked without stopping.

When Ge Yunqing called, she told Mou Wen that Yakeshi had already gotten a heavy snowfall, and the roads to Hailar were all white. Your dad booked a family tour for this National Day and should be in Manzhouli by now.

Mou Wen loved hearing her mom talk about stuff like this.

She was studying a floor plan while chatting with her mom. Ge Yunqing asked if she could come home after the holiday—she hadn't been back since she left after Chinese New Year. Mou Wen missed home like crazy, but plane tickets were too expensive, and her vacation was too short for the round-trip train and bus ride.

She hung up feeling a little sad, pulled out her bankbook to count her savings, wondering if she could scrape together enough for a trip home. Not enough. She'd just bought a phone, needed to replace her work computer, and had rent coming up. She just didn't have enough.

When am I ever gonna have money? Mou Wen put her bankbook away, feeling dejected.

Make more money.

She decided to work extra hours. She'd skip her days off after the holiday and save them all for Chinese New Year—take one big long break.

She always found ways to comfort herself. Once her bad mood had an outlet, she found the energy to get back to work.

She kept busy without a moment's pause, so busy she completely forgot about Xie Chong. In that time, she signed a single-family villa client, two townhouse clients, a flat, and an old, run-down unit in Xicheng District.

She was getting remarkable results, improving at lightning speed, blowing past the company's expectations. Even Lin Weisen wondered if she had some kind of special tricks up her sleeve.

One day, as he was leaving, he stopped by her desk and asked, "Still working late? No date tonight?"

"A date? With who?" Mou Wen was surprised her master would ask that, so she looked up at him.

Lin Weisen lowered his voice and asked, "You're not seeing anyone?"

Mou Wen was confused. "No, I'm not."

Lin Weisen tapped her desk, like he was hinting at something, then turned and walked off.

Mou Wen was puzzled. She felt Lin Weisen's reaction was weird, so the next day she went to ask Xiao Gu.

Xiao Gu hesitated, then said, "Engineer Mou, the main reason I didn't want to tell you is that I don't think it's a big deal. It'd just mess with your head. There's really no point."

"What do you mean?" Mou Wen said. "It's fine, Xiao Gu. Just tell me. What's going on?"

Xiao Gu heaved a sigh: "Engineer Mou, everyone's saying you got these deals through shady means. Some say you're dating a rich guy, others say you're someone's mistress... all sorts of things. Bottom line is, your numbers as a newbie are just too good..."

Mou Wen got it.

She was brand new to Beijing—no money, no connections, nothing. How could someone like her pull off results like that in such a short time? There had to be someone backing her.

Then Mou Wen remembered that time she'd lied to that brat with the surname Gao, claiming she had connections, just to dare to hit him. Never imagining it would get twisted into this.

Absurd.

Her first thought was how absurd it was.

Then a crushing wave of hurt washed over her.

She used to think she didn't care what people said about her—like colleagues thinking she was cheap or calling her a "workhorse"—she really didn't care. It wasn't until that day that she realized she didn't care because those comments hadn't attacked her character. But now, her character was being dragged through the mud.

Mou Wen wanted to punch someone.

But the office was empty.

Ever since she got back to Beijing in July, she'd stayed late almost every single worknight, and she almost never took a full weekend off. The job was supposedly two days off a week, or you could bank comp time, but she didn't want to rest—she was terrified that if she took a break, she'd miss out on a client.

She always told herself, I'm young, I can push through, I'm not scared of anything. She believed the only thing that could hold her back was herself.

I don't care what they say, I don't care what they say.

She went back to her drafting, but then a client, Miss Li, called, saying, "Don't send the drawings yet—let's put our collaboration on hold."

"Can I ask what I did wrong?" Mou Wen asked. "I'm not trying to push you to keep working with me—I just want to know where I fell short, so I can do better going forward."

Miss Li hemmed and hawed for a moment, then hung up.

That evening, Mou Wen heard Miss Li had been reassigned to another designer—someone who'd jumped ship from another firm.

Mou Wen didn't get it, so she went to Lin Weisen. He cut straight to the chase: "Miss Li originally liked you, but then she heard from somewhere that you get too cozy with male clients, so she asked for a different designer."

"Heard from who? Who in the company even has contact with Miss Li? Didn't they say the clients assigned to me were mine to develop exclusively?" Mou Wen asked Lin Weisen point-blank—she wanted to know why.

Lin Weisen told her not to make a big deal out of it—one client, there were plenty more where that came from. She shouldn't let one client ruin her relationships with her coworkers. Mou Wen hadn't expected that from him, and she snapped angrily: "Master! This is dirty competition! This is character assassination!"

"What's so unfair about it?" Lin Weisen got angry too. "Who doesn't have rumors floating around? Isn't that normal? Haven't you taken clients from other people before?"

"Those were handed to me after clients complained—I didn't take them!"

"What's the difference? Either way, the client complained."

"I..." Mou Wen's face went red with anger. She wanted to argue her case, but her master had already stood up and was packing his laptop to head home. Before he left, he gave her some advice: "Getting along with coworkers matters. You just bury your head in work all day. You've been here this long—have you ever bought anyone lunch? Besides Xiao Gu, who are you even close to? If you don't work on your relationships, how do you expect people to have your back?"

Lin Weisen tapped his head: "Use your brain. Your master's not out to get you."

Mou Wen bit her lip and went back to her desk. She was still just a fresh grad, and this was the first time in her life she'd faced such overwhelming malice.

She felt terrible.

Everyone was so polite and friendly in person, chatting about the weather, their hobbies, everyday stuff—like they were friends. Then they turned around and showed their real faces, hurling the most baseless rumors and nasty words at her.

Engineer Mou decided she wasn't working overtime tonight.

She didn't need to anyway—Miss Li, afraid she might "seduce" her husband, had asked for a different designer. The kicker was, she'd never even met Miss Li's husband.

Mou Wen stepped out of the office building, and a chill hit her.

Only then did she realize it was already mid-October.

Wrapped in her coat, she stood in front of the building for a while, dazed. Despite her anger, hunger hadn't skipped her. The stalls under Baishi Bridge were already out. She glanced at the time—the buses had stopped, and taxis had switched to night rates.

Forget it, let's eat first.

She lowered her head and walked toward the pancake stall. Her usual high spirits were gone, and even her steps seemed slower.

At the stall, she bought a pancake. The owner asked, "Still two eggs?"

"Two. Thanks."

The owner spread the batter and looked at her through the glass, asking, "Feeling unwell?"

"Huh? No." Mou Wen replied.

"Good. If you're not well, rest. Don't push yourself too hard."

"Thanks, boss."

Mou Wen took the pancake and bought some hot and sour noodles, then sat on a low stool eating in the autumn wind. It was already cold, but there were still some people just off work, too lazy to go home for dinner, settling for a quick bite here.

Mou Wen wolfed down her food, thinking of the big steamed buns Ge Yunqing used to make. As a child, she was always impatient, wanting to lift the lid to see if they were done. She'd climb onto a small stool and lift the big pot lid. Then Ge Yunqing would call out: "Oh dear, oh dear, the steam's escaping!"

The buns in the steamer would immediately deflate, no longer fluffy.

Ge Yunqing would tell her: "You can't be impatient when steaming buns. No matter how others rush you, you mustn't lift the lid early. You have to endure the heat to get good buns."

I'm enduring the heat, Mou Wen thought. My batch of buns has just started steaming; it's still far from done!

After she finished eating, she felt much better.

She walked along the road toward home, planning to walk until she was exhausted before taking a taxi, which would also help digest the food. Chu Ling had gone to Wuhan for an editors' forum, and she didn't need to work overtime tomorrow either. This rare weekend had suddenly arrived.

She didn't know what to do.

Her feet stepped on fallen leaves, and the dry leaves crackled underfoot. Mou Wen thought of autumn in the Greater Khingan Mountains—thick, soft pine needles like a carpet, making her feel light as she walked. Then she understood why her father had refused to work at the Qiqihar repair factory back then. He said there were too many people in Qiqihar. He said places with too many people were exhausting.

Mou Wen felt that where there were many people, there were many mouths—one mouth here, one there, and they'd twist a person beyond recognition!

She walked until she was tired, then crouched by the roadside, wanting to pick a nice leaf. She rummaged through them but none suited her. Hearing footsteps approaching, she looked up alertly.

She saw Xie Chong.

After losing her phone, she had gone looking for him twice, but he wasn't home. One day she called his work number—the company had it—but he didn't answer either. Later, she got too busy, busy living, busy earning money for a flight home and rent, and she stopped going to find him.

She had also thought that maybe one day, when she had everything, wasn't so strapped, and didn't need to work like crazy, she could wait longer at his door until he came back. Until she could see him.

She hadn't reached that day, but he appeared.

In that instant, Mou Wen's heart flooded with gratitude. Thank goodness—on my worst day, the person I like has come. The Xie Chong I like has appeared before me.

She slowly stood up, wanting to greet him, but afraid she'd cry if she spoke. She was truly full of grievances.

Xie Chong walked up to her and asked, "What's wrong?"

Mou Wen's lips pursed slightly, and she said, "I want to take a walk."

"Then I'll walk five hundred meters with you, then turn back to get the car," Xie Chong said, turning around. Suddenly remembering that Mou Wen had stood him up, he felt a surge of anger and stopped, wanting to have a word with her. He wanted to ask her why she had promised to show up but could forget him completely.

But Mou Wen suddenly said, "I want to go to a bar and sit for a while. I want to have a drink."

"Don't try to brush me off with a bar. We agreed to cook at my place..."

"No, that's not it," Mou Wen said softly. "Xie Chong, I lost my phone..."

"It's okay," Xie Chong said. "Never mind, no need to explain."

He drove her to a bar. Looking at the drink menu, Mou Wen felt a pang of guilt over the cost and only allowed herself one drink. Xie Chong said, "Drink. Drink as much as you want."

"Are you drinking too?"

"I'm driving, so I won't."

"Oh."

And so Mou Wen really started drinking.

The cocktail she ordered wasn't as strong as liquor—sweet and sour, easy to down. After one glass, she felt light-headed and forgot most of what had happened at the company. So she ordered another, and after finishing the second, she became cheerful, giggling like she used to. She wanted another, but Xie Chong said, "Last one."

"Okay, last one," Mou Wen agreed with a silly grin.

She had already forgotten all her worries; now her eyes were only on Xie Chong. The bar was dim, and he sat across from her, quietly keeping her company. She rested her head on the table, looking at him, feeling that he was unlike anyone else there. He was so unique.

Mou Wen thought about how wonderful he was, and how loving him was such a beautiful yet hopeless thing. She savored the thrill and imagination this love brought her, while also enduring the regret of not being able to be together.

Yes, she felt regret.

When Xie Chong saw that Mou Wen was on the verge of tears from drinking, he took her glass away: "No more. Let's go."

On the street at two in the morning, she stumbled with every step, and he had to hold her firmly. With a sliver of sobriety left, Mou Wen took the chance to act spoiled: "I can't walk anymore, I can't walk anymore..." and she started to sink to the ground. Xie Chong had no choice but to grab her and pull her into his arms.

Mou Wen wrapped her arms around his waist.

He was so warm, like standing by the steamer, surrounded by endless warmth.

His hands hung stiffly, avoiding contact with her, as he just let her hold him.

Mou Wen felt so wronged inside—why wouldn't he hug her back, why was the world so complicated, why were beautiful things always out of reach?

So, in his arms, she let out a sob.

Xie Chong was startled by the sound, and lowered his head to ask what was wrong. She looked up, and with just a slight rise on her toes, she touched his lips.

His cool, soft lips.

Mou Wen had never kissed anyone before. She didn't know that kissing someone you love felt like this: she dared not breathe, wanted to cry, her hands clutching tightly at his collar, and when she felt him pull away, she instinctively leaned in again.

And pressed her lips to his once more.