Chapter 18 I Let You Watch the Bird

Chapter 18 I'll Show You the Birds

Chi Suiyong had thought about seeing Xia Li again, but it shouldn't have happened today of all days.

Xia Li owed him an explanation, and even after learning from others after they parted ways that Xia Li had already gotten married, he still felt the explanation was necessary.

Was it because he still liked him?

Chi Suiyong had asked himself this question countless times. In relationships, he always emphasized perfectionism, and it was precisely because he saw through the other's indecisiveness that he hadn't fully given himself over during their time together.

Just thinking about the possibility of sharing the same lover with someone else at different times felt like tiny burrs hidden in a wool sweater, making him restless and uncomfortable.

He knew this perfectionism made it hard for his personal feelings to find a place to land, but even if he stayed single for life, he didn't want to be tormented by that kind of hidden anxiety.

Xia Li was his first love.

Chi Suiyong's emotions churned. The small boat that had drifted into the center of the lake swayed. He didn't want to ruin Chu Yan's rare outing because of his own feelings, but that nauseating feeling of seasickness lingered, refusing to go away.

When he looked up, as expected, Chu Yan's face was full of worry.

"Yong Yong, that old man made you unhappy, didn't he?"

How could he explain this?

Chu Yan leaned closer. "You hate him, don't you?"

Chi Suiyong let out a long breath. "It's not hate, exactly."

"Then he must have made you angry at some point."

"Something like that."

"Then from now on, don't see him. If he comes looking for you, I'll chase him away."

Chi Suiyong knew Xia Li all too well. When facing him, Xia Li always used a helpless demeanor to cover up his choices, while never forgetting to pour on the affection. He never casually ended a relationship, whether in life or work.

In short, he was a smooth operator, with an unshakable core, an extreme egotist at heart.

Chi Suiyong couldn't quite grasp why Xia Li was pestering him for contact information today. If he was trying to turn a past romantic relationship into a friendship, that was downright absurd.

"Yong Yong, I hope you can be a little happier."

Chi Suiyong reached out and brushed a cedar leaf from Chu Yan's long hair. "Sorry, I've brought you down too."

Chu Yan shook his head, his tone almost coaxing. "It's okay. Yong Yong isn't unhappy because of me; it's that person's fault."

In Chu Yan's limited memory, he rarely saw Yong Yong make such an expression. To be specific, it was a sense of powerlessness that shattered his usual gentleness and calm.

He recalled one day when they were seeing patients together. A young child came in, and after a brief examination, Yong Yong wore the same grave expression. Later, when the child's test results came out, Yong Yong's mood became even more downcast.

At the time, Chu Yan asked him if that little kid was very sick, and Yong Yong said yes. Chu Yan asked if he could be cured, and Yong Yong said probably not.

For the rest of that day, Yong Yong remained dejected. Chu Yan knew he was worried about the little patient but could do nothing.

It wasn't until the next day, when Yong Yong was making rounds, that a little girl who was discharged that day kissed Yong Yong's cheek through her mask and said, "Yong Yong is the gentlest and most amazing doctor I've ever met."

At that moment, Yong Yong's expression brightened as if the sun broke through clouds, and he smiled genuinely.

Chu Yan thought that cheek kiss was what pulled Yong Yong out of his gloom. That was one of the few comforting methods he had learned, but he had never tried it before.

So, he wanted to try it.

"Yong Yong, look at that tree. There are several white birds sitting on it."

Chi Suiyong glanced over absentmindedly. "Yeah, and there's a nest next to them."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadow moving closer. Chi Suiyong turned his head and found Chu Yan's face suddenly inches from his own.

As a result, Chu Yan's lips landed on the same spot as his own.

The touch was soft and moist, mixed with Yong Yong's scent, making his heart race wildly, as if detached from his own emotions, unable to keep up with his body's sudden movement.

Chu Yan felt like he had done something wrong. If he hadn't, why was his heart pounding so fiercely?

Yong Yong remained motionless, his slightly open eyes filled with shock and horror.

Chu Yan pressed his chest and retreated half a meter.

He had acted on impulse without thinking in advance how to express this gesture. Speechless, he truly looked like a child who had done wrong, waiting for the other to defend him.

"Chu Yan, do you know what you're doing?"

Yong Yong seemed even angrier.

Chu Yan opened his mouth to explain, but his blood was all rushing to his heart, leaving the rest of his body paralyzed.

He was anxious inside, and also a little annoyed with himself. If Yong Yong became even more upset because of his impulsive act, how would he ever make it up to him?

Thinking that Yong Yong might look at him the same way he had looked at that old man, Chu Yan felt fear. He grabbed Yong Yong's arm. "I... I..."

Chi Suiyong shook his hand off.

He should thank the wind blowing from the lake for dispersing the warmth of the other's lips, kept him from getting carried away and misinterpreting Chu Yan's intentions.

Chu Yan was frightened, tears streaming down his face. He was the instigator, yet with those few tears, he took on the air of a victim.

Chi Suiyong ran a hand through his hair, forcing himself to calm down. "Don't rush. Take your time and explain."

Chu Yan wiped away the tears, but a fresh wave came gushing out, his words coming out in choked fragments. "You were unhappy, so this way could make you happy."

"What made you do that?"

"That girl from bed 65... she did it."

He had done the exact same thing as her. She got Yong Yong's smile, but he got Yong Yong's fury. Chu Yan had no idea what went wrong.

He asked urgently, seeking confirmation. "You smiled at her then, but now you're yelling at me." With that, he cried even harder, his fear of having done wrong shifting to hurt over not being treated fairly.

Chi Suiyong's eyes were clouded with confusion. From the fragmented information Chu Yan had given him, he painstakingly reconstructed that scene in his mind.

Only then did Chu Yan's thoughts begin to align with his words. "What's different between her and me? Why are you being so unfair, Yong Yong?"

Dr. Chi, faced with a younger Chu Yan, truly understood what it meant to have no way to reason with someone.

"If I remember correctly, she was wearing a mask back then, and she only kissed you on the cheek. What about you?"

"I told you to watch the bird, but you wouldn't look!"

"Huh?"

"How was I supposed to know you'd suddenly turn your head? What's the difference where the kiss was? You're clearly just taking out your anger on me because of that old man. He is who he is, and I am who I am. Yong Yong, you're being unreasonable."

Who's being unreasonable?

Suddenly stealing a kiss—anyone would freak out over that, right?

And being kissed by someone who's in a relationship? For a perfectionist like Chi Suiyong, that's practically enough to drive him crazy.

Making Chu Yan understand why he was angry no longer seemed important, just like all the countless intimate physical encounters before. If these had happened to a normal Chu Yan, he would have turned into a complete predator.

Because he had always seen Chu Yan as a child, indulging him, failing to set clear adult boundaries.

"Chu Yan, stop crying first. Listen to me, okay?"

"Then say it, then!"

Chi Suiyong explained in a way Chu Yan could understand, "Chu Yan, ever since we became friends, you can't be a child anymore, and I can't treat you like one either."

"Can't be harsh to a child, but it's okay to be harsh to a friend?"

"No…" Chi Suiyong racked his brain, but couldn't overcome Chu Yan's stubbornness, "Friends can't kiss. Guys or girls, it doesn't matter."

"Why not?"

Chi Suiyong realized adult topics were unavoidable. He pointed at Chu Yan's lips, "This kind of touch—it only exists between lovers. We're just friends, not lovers. Does that make sense to you?"

"I don't get it."

Chi Suiyong looked around for evidence and finally spotted a clingy young couple not far away. He pointed at them, "Look at those two over there."

"A man and a woman."

"Right, they're a couple, so no matter how they hug or kiss, it's allowed."

"How do you become a couple?"

"By liking each other."

"Then do you like me, Yong Yong?"

Chi Suiyong: "..."

"Well, I really like Yong Yong. I want to be a couple with Yong Yong."

"Shut up."

Chu Yan went silent. The tears he had just managed to hold back seemed ready to fall again.

Today, he had been scolded by Yong Yong twice.

Was it because of that old man that Yong Yong had already started to dislike him?

Chi Suiyong knew that unless he could open Chu Yan's head and pour his thoughts inside, explaining with words alone would never make him understand. Too much had happened today, and now his mind was a tangled mess.

"It's okay if you can't understand, but you must remember what I'm about to say."

"Alright, go ahead."

"From the first day you met me until the day you're discharged—everything that happened during this time—the fault is not mine, it's yours. If one day you look back on these memories and feel uncomfortable or uneasy, it's not my fault."

"I don't like you, Chu Yan, and I never will. You must always remember these words."

"I thought…" Chu Yan's eyes dimmed, "If Yong Yong doesn't like me, then why treat me so well?"

"Treating someone well doesn't have to be based on liking. Friends can also be good to each other, right?"

In just a few days, Chu Yan no longer found the concept of friendship appealing.

Yong Yong seemed to have changed. It must be because of that old man.

"Yong Yong, what exactly is your relationship with that old man from earlier?"

Seeing the topic come full circle, Chi Suiyong's emotions suddenly became eerily calm. "A long time ago, he was my lover."

"Then… you've kissed and hugged him too, right?"

"Yes."

"But now you're not, and you don't like him anymore."

"Yes."

"And can you still be friends?"

"No."

"So, being lovers comes with risks, but being friends doesn't."

"You can put it that way."

Chu Yan finally seemed to find the source of Yong Yong's unhappiness. "That old man—he ended up liking someone else, didn't he?"