Chapter 23 Look at Me

Chapter 23 Look at Me

Lin Xishan looked up and found Ye Jiaonan standing a few steps away.

He was wearing a white down jacket. His eyes lit up when he saw Lin Xishan, then quickly shifted into a wary, tentative look.

Ye Jiaonan knew Lin Xishan definitely didn't want to see him, but he still wasn't ready to give up.

The forum incident earlier had definitely been a reckless move on his part. His original plan was to make everyone despise Lin Xishan, then step in and publicly support him, so he could win Lin Xishan back.

He hadn't expected the plan to backfire.

Before he could even play the savior, he got exposed as the one who'd posted it.

Now Ye Jiaonan not only had a terrible reputation, but he'd also gotten a disciplinary demerit and lost his scholarship eligibility. He had no clue where his living expenses for next semester would come from.

It was fair to say his situation was precarious, but Ye Jiaonan had this inexplicable feeling that as long as he could get to Lin Xishan, he could turn things around.

Even though the other's impression of him was currently below zero, even though Lin Xishan was just another broke student like himself.

But Ye Jiaonan still had this feeling.

As long as he could get close to Lin Xishan, the other would soften up and help him get back on his feet.

But for now, Ye Jiaonan getting close to him was nothing short of a total pipe dream.

Little did he expect fate to be so kind. Just as he was agonizing over how to approach Lin Xishan, Lin Xishan showed up right in front of him.

All he had to do now was not spook his prey and approach bit by bit.

In fact, on any normal day, Lin Xishan would've already found an excuse to leave by now.

But today, he didn't feel like moving.

His body felt so heavy that he didn't have the strength to resist that familiar force slowly creeping over him.

Seeing that he wasn't leaving, Ye Jiaonan quietly sat down on the bench next to him, leaving a one-person gap between them.

"Xishan," Ye Jiaonan said, his hands wringing together, voice low. "I'm sorry about the forum thing."

"I know an apology doesn't help." His voice trembled slightly. "And I know my apology post was half-assed—it wasn't what I really wanted to write. The school made me write it that way. They said writing too much would stir up more controversy... but I genuinely want to apologize to you."

He'd rehearsed these words countless times in his head. They should've been flawless. But facing Lin Xishan in person, he still felt scared.

Irrational as it was, it felt like the other could see right through him.

Ye Jiaonan could only muster up his courage: "When I posted that thread, I never thought it'd blow up this big. I just... I was just so angry. You suddenly stopped talking to me. That guy Pei Zhi suddenly showed up by your side. When I went to find you, you wouldn't even look at me. I..."

His voice cracked.

"I just wanted to make you feel bad. I wanted others to see you weren't as great as they thought. But I never expected things to turn out like that. I never expected so many people to talk shit about you. I..."

Ye Jiaonan looked up, eyes red, tears welling up: "Xishan, I know I was wrong. You really won't forgive me?"

Lin Xishan knew full well that Ye Jiaonan was lying, and he knew full well the other was putting on an act.

But that controlling force was spreading—starting at the base of his spine, climbing up vertebra by vertebra.

He could feel his will being stripped away, layer by layer.

He knew he should stand up, should walk away, should get as far away from Ye Jiaonan as possible—

But he didn't budge.

He was just too tired today.

"Jiaonan." Lin Xishan heard his own voice speak with a gentleness that wasn't his. "I never said I didn't forgive you."

Ye Jiaonan's eyes lit up, tears streaming down his face: "Really?"

Lin Xishan looked at those bright, glistening eyes and suddenly remembered his first days on campus—when he knew nothing, and Ye Jiaonan had shown him around, helped him get his textbooks, and told him which cafeteria had the best food.

Back then, he'd thought Ye Jiaonan was his first friend at this school.

Only later did he learn that those "coincidental encounters" and "favors" had been scripted from the start.

To make Lin Xishan develop feelings for Ye Jiaonan, to make him unknowingly become the "always in the background" backup simp.

But now, he suddenly felt that whether those memories were real or manufactured didn't matter anymore.

Because he just didn't care anymore.

"Really." Lin Xishan heard himself saying.

Ye Jiaonan's tears turned into a smile. He wiped his eyes, hesitated for a moment, then carefully placed his hand over Lin Xishan's, which was resting on his knee.

Lin Xishan looked at that hand—fair-skinned, slender. So different from Pei Zhi's.

Pei Zhi's hands were calloused, with defined knuckles and a firm grip, but his fingertips were always cold.

Lin Xishan had once thought he could warm them up.

"Xishan, you look awful." Ye Jiaonan's voice came from beside him, laced with concern. "What's wrong? Are you feeling okay?"

Lin Xishan shook his head: "I'm fine. Just didn't sleep well last night."

"Then go back and rest," Ye Jiaonan said, but didn't pull his hand back. "Want me to walk you to the dorm?"

"No need." Lin Xishan stood up, casually pulling his hand away. "I want to be alone for a while."

Ye Jiaonan's expression flickered with hesitation, then he nodded: "Alright. Then... make sure you eat something. You skipped last time—I remember."

Lin Xishan glanced at him, the corner of his mouth curving into a smile that was nothing but a textbook-perfect, formulaic expression.

Then Lin Xishan turned and walked off along the lake.

Ye Jiaonan stood there, watching his retreating figure, the warmth of Lin Xishan's hand still lingering on his own.

He looked down at his hand, and a slow smile curled at the corner of his mouth.

Not the pitiful, fawning smile from before.

But a smile tinged with smugness, with relief, and with a shadow of darkness only he could understand.

"I knew it." Ye Jiaonan murmured.

He came back.

He'd never failed to get anything he'd ever wanted.

In the days that followed, in Lin Jichuan's eyes, his brother seemed possessed, reverting to his old ways of helping Ye Jiaonan whenever he was needed and going out whenever he was called.

His bootlicking was even worse than before.

Lin Jichuan got into a huge fight with Lin Xishan over this.

He'd figured that after the fight, he could get his brother back on track, but instead, Lin Xishan just straight-up ignored him.

With Lin Jichuan's temper, there was no way he was swallowing that, so he went straight to Ye Jiaonan.

For Lin Jichuan, this was a huge blow to his pride.

He'd assumed that, as per usual, Ye Jiaonan would be over the moon and do whatever Lin Jichuan said, one hundred percent. But to his shock, Ye Jiaonan totally blew him off.

In fact, Ye Jiaonan even said coldly, "Don't try to drive a wedge between me and Lin Xishan like you did before."

What?

As Lin Xishan's own brother—his twin brother, no less—why would he need to drive a wedge between his brother and some outsider?

This was utterly humiliating. In a fit of anger, the young master decided to wash his hands of the whole mess.

He also tossed aside his earlier idea of finding Lin Xishan's sugar daddy and ambiguous lover.

Let his brother fend for himself. When he finally came to his senses, he'd have plenty of regrets.

Meanwhile, Pei Zhi, who'd been unilaterally cut off, hadn't seen Lin Xishan in seven days.

Seven days. One hundred sixty-eight hours. Ten thousand and eighty minutes.

He'd scrolled through that chat window on his phone hundreds of times.

The explanation message he'd sent last still had a red exclamation mark next to it.

Pei Zhi had also called.

The first time, it rang twice before getting hung up on. The second time, the phone was off. From the fourth call on, every attempt only got a robotic female voice saying, "The subscriber you dialed is on the phone."

Lin Xishan had blocked him again.

The more he thought about it, the more worked up he got, until Pei Zhi just hurled his phone onto the rehearsal room floor.

The screen shattered, spiderweb cracks spreading from the upper-left corner, like a nerve in his brain that was about to snap as well.

Zhou Yan watched from the side, saying nothing, just silently picking up the phone and setting it on the table.

"Go find him, then," Jiang Muye said around a cigarette, his voice slurred. "You slept with the guy, you gotta take responsibility, right?"

"Shut up," Pei Zhi gritted out. "And it was me who—"

He cut himself off abruptly.

Even if his head was a mess right now, there was no way he'd discuss the private stuff between him and Lin Xishan with anyone else.

He didn't like it, and Lin Xishan wouldn't either.

Jiang Muye shut his mouth.

But Pei Zhi knew Jiang Muye was right about one thing.

He had to go find him.

Otherwise, he would truly lose Lin Xishan forever.

Everything that morning had happened way too fast.

So fast that Pei Zhi hadn't even had time to organize his thoughts, to get the words stuck in his throat out, before Lin Xishan was already gone.

It wasn't like he hadn't chased after him.

But he'd run barefoot to the elevator, only for the doors to have already closed.

By the time he'd rushed down the stairs and burst outside, Lin Xishan was nowhere to be seen in the neighborhood.

Pei Zhi stood at the entrance of the complex, barefoot on the freezing concrete, the early winter wind cutting through his T-shirt collar, making him shiver all over.

He knew he must've looked pathetic.

Pathetic enough that the security guard passing by gave him several weird looks.

But he couldn't give a damn anymore.

When he finally calmed down and went back to the apartment, he saw the black bank card on the nightstand, the slightly wilted daisies still in the water cup, and the creases and marks left on the sheets.

Pei Zhi crouched by the bed, gripping the card in his palm until his knuckles went white.

He remembered what Lin Xishan had said before leaving: "Let's pretend none of it ever happened."

How could he pretend nothing happened?

That was the first time in his life he'd felt like an actual human being.

There was absolutely no way he'd let Lin Xishan go—even if he had to tie him up and keep him by his side.

—That was what Pei Zhi had thought before, but now he'd gotten greedier. He wanted the man's body, and he wanted his heart too.

He wanted every part of Lin Xishan.

After countless mental rehearsals and dry runs, Pei Zhi finally worked up the courage to go to his school to find him.

Back when they'd first met, Pei Zhi hadn't even known what kind of person Lin Xishan was, yet he'd had the guts to wait for him at the school gate. Now, he was hesitant and overthinking everything.

It seemed that compared to back then, Lin Xishan had become way more important to him.

No—Lin Xishan was already the most important person in his life...

Pei Zhi rode his motorcycle to the school gate and leaned against the bike. To calm his nerves, he lit a cigarette.

His fingers were still shaking slightly.

Not from the cold. Because he didn't know what he'd see, or if he could control himself.

He hadn't seen Lin Xishan in seven days. Every night during those seven days, he couldn't sleep—every time he closed his eyes, he saw Lin Xishan prying his fingers apart that morning.

Pei Zhi took a deep drag of his cigarette, nicotine flooding his lungs, bringing a brief wave of dizziness and calm.

And then he saw Lin Xishan.

Lin Xishan walked out of the teaching building, wearing a dark gray wool coat, his hair a little tousled from the wind.

He looked completely normal. Just like usual, his expression was blank, and he walked with his head slightly lowered, like he was thinking about something.

Pei Zhi's heart slammed against his chest, and he was about to step forward when he spotted someone else.

The one person he least wanted to see beside Lin Xishan.

Ye Jiaonan.

Ye Jiaonan came jogging out from behind Lin Xishan, carrying a drawing board, and said something, smiling.

Lin Xishan turned his head to glance at him, the corner of his mouth lifting slightly, then reached out, took the drawing board, and held it for Ye Jiaonan.

That movement was so natural, so routine, as if it had been done a hundred times before.

The cigarette slipped from Pei Zhi's fingers and fell to the ground.

He watched as Ye Jiaonan naturally looped his arm through Lin Xishan's, tilting his head and talking animatedly, laughing brightly.

Lin Xishan didn't pull away. He even leaned his head slightly toward him, as if listening closely.

Pei Zhi felt the blood rush to his head.

The man who had cupped his face and kissed him in the dead of night, the man who had said "daisies suit you," the man who had breathed in his ear and whispered "so tight"—was at this very moment holding Ye Jiaonan's arm, walking alongside the person who had spread rumors about him on the forum.

As if none of it had ever happened.

No. He absolutely would not allow this to happen.

Pei Zhi lost all reason the instant he saw that scene, and he closed the distance in three quick strides and stood before them.

Without waiting for them to speak, Pei Zhi snatched the drawing board from Lin Xishan's hands and slammed it onto the ground.

*This isn't right. You can't let him see this side of you—he'll only hate you more.*

The thought surfaced, but Pei Zhi wiped it away in an instant.

He forcefully slapped Ye Jiaonan's arm away from Lin Xishan's, then shoved himself between the two of them.

"Mine." Pei Zhi's voice came out like a beast guarding its prey. "He's mine."

Pei Zhi's arrival cut through the air between them like a knife.

Ye Jiaonan's hand, which had been slapped away, hung in midair. He froze for a moment, then a perfectly timed look of panic and grievance quickly spread across his face—the shift was so fast it seemed rehearsed countless times.

He shrank back behind Lin Xishan, his voice trembling just the right amount: "What are you doing here?"

Pei Zhi didn't look at him.

The entire time, Pei Zhi's eyes were fixed on only one person.

Lin Xishan.

Look at me. Please.