Chapter 24 The Truth

Chapter 24: The Truth

Lin Xishan looked at Pei Zhi, whose eyes were bloodshot and whose dark circles were so deep he looked like a male ghost straight off a movie set.

Every sign pointed to him being in rough shape.

To be honest, Lin Xishan didn't feel anything resembling sympathy. Quite the opposite—seeing the guy so wrecked actually gave him a pretty good kick.

Yeah, he wasn't a saint, and he wasn't the type to wish some ex well after getting dumped.

But once that little thrill wore off, Lin Xishan started wondering why the guy had even come looking for him.

Apologizing for what went down before...

Probably. After all, he still needed him to get off.

Kind of ironic, really. Him, Lin Xishan—good-looking, charming, eight-pack abs—and in someone else's eyes, he was just a "Viagra."

And on top of that, there was another one using him as a backup.

With that thought, Lin Xishan quietly took two steps forward, putting distance between himself and Ye Jiaonan, who'd been plastered against him.

He'd been stuck in a fog of confusing plotlines this whole time, and it wasn't until Pei Zhi showed up that his brain finally snapped out of it.

He had to be out of his mind to jump out of the frying pan with Pei Zhi and land right in the swamp that was Ye Jiaonan.

And honestly, between the two, Ye Jiaonan was the more dangerous one.

After all, the guy could turn him into someone completely unrecognizable.

"I have something I want to say to you. Alone. Just the two of us." Pei Zhi emphasized the last sentence.

His eyes stayed locked on Lin Xishan's face, not giving Ye Jiaonan so much as a glance.

"Seems like we've got nothing to talk about." Lin Xishan let his gaze drop, refusing to meet Pei Zhi's eyes.

He was scared—scared he'd cave.

Pei Zhi knew that, given who he was, the right move was to turn around and walk away.

If the other guy didn't want to talk, sticking around and begging would just be pathetic.

And Pei Zhi had always guarded his pride fiercely, never letting anyone stomp on it.

He should just turn and leave.

Pei Zhi understood this.

But some things mattered more to him than his pride.

He'd never come across anything like this before, but now he had.

Pei Zhi bit his lower lip hard, nervously picking at the dead skin on his fingers, and steeled himself: "Please."

Hearing the word "beg" come out of his own mouth was something Pei Zhi couldn't even believe.

He'd sworn he'd never beg anyone again—that was the promise he made to himself when he left home.

And now he'd broken it.

If the other guy still said no, Pei Zhi had no idea what kind of crazy shit he might pull.

Maybe he'd just completely lose it.

Laying all his ugly truths bare for the other man to see.

Meanwhile, Lin Xishan was stuck in his own dilemma.

Reject him. You should reject him, Lin Xishan told himself.

The morning after he slept with you, he was so disgusted he threw up.

Can't you see how grossed out he was by you? He's only coming to you now because you're the only one who can get him off—do you really want to go back to being his toy?

The rejection was right on the tip of his tongue. But just before he said it, Lin Xishan noticed Pei Zhi's body trembling.

Nervousness? Fear? Something else? Lin Xishan had no idea.

All he knew was that he couldn't bring himself to say no.

Lin Xishan sighed and turned to Ye Jiaonan. "You go on ahead."

Ye Jiaonan obviously wasn't happy about it and tried to argue, mumbling, "But—"

"You go on ahead." Lin Xishan cut him off, his tone firm.

Ye Jiaonan's mood hit rock bottom, but he still put on a timid face. "I'll come find you later."

Don't come looking for me again.

The thought floated through Lin Xishan's mind, but of course he didn't say it out loud.

He couldn't be bothered to hash things out with two people in one day—he didn't have the patience for that.

Once Ye Jiaonan was gone, only the two of them were left at the school gate.

"You gonna talk now?" Lin Xishan let a hint of impatience creep into his voice on purpose.

Pei Zhi bit his lip, glanced at the students milling around, and said stubbornly, "Can we go somewhere private? Or... my place."

He just couldn't bring himself to say something so humiliating in public.

"I'm not going back to your place." Lin Xishan said it flat out.

But when he saw the other man's face, he paused, then sighed again.

Did he owe this guy money in a past life? No, this felt more like he owed him his damn life.

"Come on, let's go."

Lin Xishan took Pei Zhi to the coffee shop by the school's west gate.

"You gonna talk now?" He said it, trying his best to look like he didn't care.

Pei Zhi sat there, feeling like all the air in the corner of the coffee shop had been sucked out, his chest tight and suffocating.

The shop was mostly empty, and they were tucked away in the farthest corner.

Logically, no one would notice them or even glance their way. But Pei Zhi still felt completely on edge.

His fingertips kept picking at a hole in his jeans.

The hole had originally been only the size of a fingernail, but now he'd ripped it open to nearly two fingers wide.

Can we go somewhere else? Pei Zhi wanted to say it but couldn't bring himself to.

Lin Xishan was already fed up. If he hadn't begged, Lin Xishan wouldn't have given him the time of day. If he asked to move somewhere else again, he knew Lin Xishan would find it a hassle and just walk away.

No, can't do that. Can't do that.

Lin Xishan held the latte he'd ordered, the warmth seeping through the ceramic into his palm. It was hot, but he didn't set it down.

He was waiting for Pei Zhi to say something.

"There's something wrong with me."

When Pei Zhi said those three words, he didn't look at Lin Xishan. His eyes were fixed on the black coffee on the table, as if there was something in that cup he couldn't look away from.

"What kind of sickness?" Lin Xishan asked. His voice was calmer than he expected.

Pei Zhi swallowed hard.

"PTSD." He said it fast, like if he went any slower he'd lose the nerve to finish. "And... anxiety, stuff like that. That's what the doctor said. They put me on a whole bunch of meds, and I've been taking them on and off for like seven or eight years."

That caught him off guard. Lin Xishan's fingers tightened around the cup without him realizing.

Pei Zhi was still picking at the hole. It had nearly become the size of a fist by now.

"I threw up that morning," Pei Zhi's voice started shaking, "not because I thought you were disgusting."

Lin Xishan's heart lurched. He snapped his head up, eyes landing on Pei Zhi: "You..."

Pei Zhi looked awful. His breathing was getting faster, his chest heaving harder and harder: "I threw up because... it reminded me of..."

He couldn't go on.

His face was white as a sheet, his lips completely drained of color, fine beads of sweat forming at his temples.

Lin Xishan set down his coffee and leaned in a little: "Pei Zhi, stop..."

"Someone tried to assault me." Pei Zhi blurted it out before Lin Xishan could even finish.

There. It was out. His shoulders slumped.

Wait. What did he just say?

Assault?

Lin Xishan's head went blank, a ringing in his ears.

The room spun.

"A long time ago," Pei Zhi added. "A really long time ago. But he didn't get that far, just... his hand touched me."

"So—every time someone touches me, I react like this. The doctor called it a 'somatization response.' Basically, my body remembers that disgust and reacts on its own. I can't control it..."

His explanation came out in fragments, like a radio with bad reception, long, labored breaths stretching between words.

Pei Zhi looked up, eyes red-rimmed, lashes wet, but he held it together, refusing to let the tears fall: "I never thought you were disgusting. Lin Xishan, I swear I didn't. Before this, when we held hands and kissed, nothing happened, so I thought we'd be fine. I didn't think..."

He hadn't expected that going to bed would still be too much, that he'd still see that man lunging at him.

"Believe me."

Pei Zhi's voice was almost begging.

"Please, you have to believe me."

The word "please" came out again, softer and more fragile than when he'd said it at the school gate.

Lin Xishan opened his mouth.

What was he supposed to say? He had no idea.

All he knew was that his mind was completely blank. Every bit of rational thought had shattered into dust.

He thought back to that morning.

He thought of Pei Zhi's face, white as a sheet, as he rushed into the bathroom. He thought of those muffled, retching sounds, like he was trying to throw up his very organs. He thought of Pei Zhi chasing him to the elevator with no shoes on.

He'd thought it was disgust.

He'd thought Pei Zhi found him dirty.

Pei Zhi was afraid he was the dirty one.

Pei Zhi was afraid Lin Xishan would think he was dirty.

"I'm sorry." He heard himself say it.

Pei Zhi shook his head.

Not "it's okay." More like "don't apologize."

"I came to find you," Pei Zhi's voice was still soft, "not to ask you to forgive me. I know I don't have the right. The day you left, you said 'let's pretend nothing happened before.' I know you meant it."

"I also don't have the right to ask you to come back. That arrangement you mentioned—it was supposed to be... I give you money, you help me out. You don't owe me anything."

"But I wanted you to know. Before you left, you asked me why I threw up, and I didn't say a word. I couldn't speak then. My mind felt like someone had it in a chokehold—I couldn't get a single word out. I chased you to the elevator, wanted to call your name, but my voice wouldn't come out."

His voice choked up.

"I didn't mean not to explain."

Lin Xishan looked at Pei Zhi. Pei Zhi wasn't looking at him. He kept his head down, staring at his nearly destroyed jeans: "Now I've said everything."

"You can go. I won't look for you again. Oh, and—here, this is for you."

Pei Zhi fumbled in his pocket and pulled something out, placed it on the table, and pushed it toward Lin Xishan.

It was that black card.

"You left it on the nightstand last time," Pei Zhi said. "If you don't want it, I won't force you to take it. But if you... ever want to use it in the future, you can always—"

Ah, shit. Lin Xishan, you're a hundred times more of an asshole than you ever realized.