Chapter 35 There’s Still Time

Chapter 35: Plenty of Time Ahead

About forty minutes passed, maybe a bit longer, before the door to the consultation room opened.

Pei Zhi walked out and stopped in front of Lin Xishan: "She wants you to go in."

"Can I go in?" Lin Xishan looked up at Pei Zhi and asked seriously.

Pei Zhi gave a curt nod: "She's been wanting me to bring you for a long time. I kept refusing. Bringing you today was my own decision. There are some things she can tell you more easily than I can. But I told her not to say too much. The rest I'll tell you myself."

That familiar stubborn, awkward defiance. So Pei Zhi.

"Just wait for me at the door." With that, Lin Xishan pushed open the door and walked into the consultation room.

Xie Zhien was still sitting in that armchair, with two cups of hot water she'd just poured in front of her.

She gestured for Lin Xishan to sit down and got straight to the point: "Pei Zhi sent you in?"

"Yes."

Xie Zhien picked up her cup and took a sip, looking at Lin Xishan over the rim with a professional sort of observation.

She was like someone who knew too many secrets, weighing which ones she could share and which should be left for Pei Zhi himself.

Setting the cup down on the table, she said: "I've known Pei Zhi for three years. He's my most difficult patient. Skipping appointments, not answering calls, not taking his medication on time, answering every question with 'I'm fine.' In all my years of practice, I've dealt with plenty of difficult patients, but he's the first to make me feel like I was talking to a wall."

"But over the past month or so, that wall has started to crack. He began taking his medication on time, making his own appointments, and even opening up about things he'd never have talked about before. I asked him why, and he said he'd met someone."

Xie Zhien's tone was calm, but Lin Xishan could feel the weight of her words.

He might matter far more to Pei Zhi than he'd ever realized.

Yeah, that felt pretty good.

Xie Zhien smiled, warmth in her eyes: "He also said it's the first time in his life he feels like he might have a chance to live like a normal person."

Those words were too heavy.

Heavy enough to make Lin Xishan's heart ache. To cover his emotions, he quickly grabbed his cup. The heat seeped through the glass into his palm—a little too hot.

Xie Zhien flipped open her notebook and glanced at it: "Today he's the one who asked me to talk to you. Mr. Lin, I can't share the specifics of his sessions—that's his private business. But I can tell you some things you need to know—he's given me the green light to share them."

Lin Xishan said gravely: "I'm listening."

"Pei Zhi developed PTSD during adolescence. He went through things no one of any age should have to experience. After that, his body developed a protective mechanism—a strong aversion to any intimate physical contact. Nausea, vomiting, muscle stiffness, and in severe cases, even temporary loss of speech. Including the loss of certain male functions."

"This is an autonomic nervous system response—a conditioned reflex. It's not something he can control," Xie Zhien continued. "So when he's faced with someone he doesn't actually reject—someone he even has feelings for—but his body reacts the opposite way, he ends up hating himself."

She looked at Lin Xishan, her gaze probing: "Can you imagine what that feels like? Your mind tells you you want to be close to this person, but your body says 'danger.' Then your stomach cramps, you want to throw up, you're shaking all over. You feel like your body's betrayed you, like you're dirty, like the other person must be disgusted by you too."

Lin Xishan's knuckles were turning white around the cup.

He remembered that time in the rehearsal room when Pei Zhi clutched his sleeve and said "don't look at me." He remembered Pei Zhi saying "I'm dirty," "I don't deserve it."

He'd always thought it was just low self-esteem, never realizing it was an enemy living inside Pei Zhi that he couldn't control.

"But his reaction to you is different." Xie Zhien's tone suddenly lightened. "The first time he brought you up in a session, he said something I'll never forget. He said, 'When he touches me, I don't feel like throwing up.'"

Lin Xishan looked up.

"That might not seem like much to someone else, but to him, it's everything. By the time Pei Zhi came to me, he'd already tried everything. He once forced himself to be around strangers, tried medication to suppress his body's reactions—none of it worked."

"He once believed he'd never have a normal intimate relationship." Xie Zhien looked steadily at Lin Xishan. "Until he met you."

Lin Xishan opened his mouth to speak, but his throat closed up.

"Recently he brought up desensitization training on his own. Starting with low-intensity contact and gradually building up, step by step, until his body's stress response fades." There was a barely perceptible note of relief in Xie Zhien's voice. "I've been seeing him for three years, and this is the first time he's come up with a treatment plan on his own instead of me chasing after him."

"He didn't want to bring you before because he didn't want you to see him like that during treatment." Xie Zhien adjusted her glasses. "He values his pride more than anything. The fact that he brought you here means you matter more to him than his pride."

Lin Xishan set the cup down on the coffee table, his fingers loosening from the rim.

"So what does he need to do now?" Lin Xishan's voice came out a little hoarse. "And how can I help him?"

Xie Zhien studied him for a few seconds, as if weighing something. Finally she nodded, as though she had made a decision.

"Part of his treatment plan involves figuring out how to explain his condition to his partner. Because PTSD doesn't just affect the person who has it—it affects everyone around them." Xie Zhien said. "I've been telling him he needs to find the right time and way to tell you. But he keeps putting it off. Just now in our session, I asked him why he still hasn't told you. He said he's afraid that once you find out, you'll think he's too much work and leave."

Lin Xishan closed his eyes. After a few seconds, he opened them again, his voice steady: "I won't leave."

Xie Zhien looked at him, her gaze softening behind her glasses: "I know you won't. He knows it too, deep down, but he needs time to believe it. He's had his trust betrayed too many times. So be patient with him. All you have to do is wait until he's ready to talk, listen to him, and tell him it's not his fault."

Lin Xishan nodded.

Xie Zhien set down her notebook and leaned back in her chair, her tone lightening: "I'm not overstepping by telling you this. These are just the basics you need to know—like reading the fine print on a prescription bottle."

Lin Xishan couldn't help but smile a little.

"Alright," Xie Zhien said, standing up. "That's all for today. Next appointment is in two weeks. If you want, you can come along. Of course, only if Pei Zhi's okay with it."

"He'll agree." Lin Xishan stood up too and shook her hand. "Thank you, Dr. Xie. Not just for today—for everything over the years."

Xie Zhien pulled her hand back and pushed her glasses up: "That sounds just like his guardian talking—though in a way, you kind of are. Don't thank me. He's the one who's gotten himself this far. I just handed him a few tissues along the way."

With that, Lin Xishan turned to go, but Xie Zhien called him back, lowering her voice this time: "Um, when he came to me about the desensitization training, he mentioned that when you two were... actually doing it, it was the first time he couldn't suppress his stress response in front of you?"

"Yeah, holding hands, hugging, kissing—all fine. Except for that one time." Even someone as shameless as Lin Xishan felt a little awkward talking about something so private, but he answered honestly.

Xie Zhien looked thoughtful. "Seems like his acceptance of you is remarkably high. Well, in that case, for now you two should go back to how you were helping each other before. Wait until I say you can try again. Otherwise, if you keep trying and it doesn't work, it could create a mental block—not just for him, but for you too."

Lin Xishan, desperate to escape, agreed quickly: "Okay, okay."

"See you next time."

"See you next time."

When Lin Xishan fled the consultation room, Pei Zhi was leaning against the hallway wall, waiting.

Hearing the door, Pei Zhi looked up. Their eyes met in the dim hallway light.

Pei Zhi's face had settled back into its usual cold expression. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and straightened up.

"What'd she tell you?" Pei Zhi asked cautiously.

"That you've been trying hard." Lin Xishan walked up to him and stopped. "That you came up with the treatment plan yourself. That you've been doing really well lately." And that we can't have sex.

He naturally held back the last sentence and didn't say it out loud.

Pei Zhi's brow furrowed slightly, as if weighing whether those words had been sugar-coated: "Did she say—"

"No." Lin Xishan cut him off. "She said you'd tell me the rest yourself."

Pei Zhi's shoulders relaxed almost imperceptibly. He lowered his head, stared at his toes, and fell silent for a few seconds.

Lin Xishan hugged him and patted his back. "Good boy, well done."

Pei Zhi let himself be held for a moment, then started squirming to break free.

"Don't treat me like a kid—I'm older than you." Pei Zhi didn't realize how much he sounded like a kid throwing a tantrum.

Lin Xishan let go of him and spread his hands. "Alright, alright, not 'good boy' then... how about 'big brother'?"

The last two words came out all syrupy and clingy.

Pei Zhi couldn't take it. To keep up his cool-guy image, he strode ahead first. "Let's go."

His retreating figure was a bit flustered, like a cat with its hackles up.

Lin Xishan couldn't help but laugh again.

Can't go to bed now? No problem.

He wasn't in a hurry—after all, they had plenty of time ahead.