Chapter 76

Chapter 76

"Then how did you get back?" Ji Yunshu's voice choked up.

"Their boat was too small, and the waves were too rough at the time. I tried twice, but as soon as I rowed out, the waves pushed me back." Pei Yufeng raised his hand and gently covered the hand Ji Yunshu was holding the cotton swab with. "There was no communication equipment on the island, and the nearest land was a whole night of rowing away. The old fisherman was up there in age, and I didn't dare let them take the risk, so I stayed until my injuries were mostly healed and I had the strength to come back."

Ji Yunshu tossed the cotton swab into the tray beside her and picked up a new one, dipping it in medicinal powder and dabbing it on the wound over his brow. Her hands were gentle, but her lips were pressed into a thin line.

"Do you know—" she started, her voice catching again, "do you know how scared I've been these past days? Commander Lin knelt in front of me and said the waves had swept you away, said he'd searched the sea for you all night and couldn't find you. I felt like the whole world had collapsed. I slept with the lights on every night—I was afraid Nian Nian would wake up crying for her daddy and I wouldn't be able to calm her down. Sheng Sheng kept staring at the door every day. Do you know how much that look on his face killed me?"

Pei Yufeng squeezed her hand. "I know."

"You don't know." Ji Yunshu capped the medicine bottle and picked up a roll of gauze to bandage him. "If you knew, you wouldn't have risked yourself like that. You said you'd come back safe and sound—you promised me."

"Didn't I make it back in one piece?" Pei Yufeng said to her with forced lightness.

"In one piece?" Ji Yunshu was so angry she started coughing. She pointed at him. "Look at your injuries! You call that fine?"

The gash on Pei Yufeng's brow was too deep and too long—who knows how long it would take to heal properly, and if it had been even a little longer, he could have lost his eyesight.

"It's really nothing. It's not like my eyes got hurt—it'll heal in a while." Pei Yufeng let out a soft sigh, as if he was long used to a life full of scars.

But Ji Yunshu froze. His words kept circling in her head, making her heart clench with every turn.

She tossed the cotton ball into the tray and stood up, walking around behind him.

"What are you doing?" Pei Yufeng turned to look at her.

"Turn around," Ji Yunshu said, her hand pressing on his shoulder. "Let me see your back."

Pei Yufeng hesitated for a moment, about to say something, but when he saw Ji Yunshu's eyes redden again, he swallowed the words and obediently turned around. His military trousers hung loose at his hips, and his bare back was exposed—from his shoulder blades down to his waist, it was covered in patches of purple bruising, big and small. Some spots were so dark they were almost black, with yellowish-green edges—clearly from heavy impacts that had never been properly treated.

Ji Yunshu stood behind him, her hand raised, hovering over the nearest bruise. Her fingertips were trembling, hovering less than an inch from his skin, but she couldn't bring herself to touch it.

"And you call this nothing?" Her voice went hoarse again, trembling uncontrollably. "There's not one good patch of skin left on your whole back..."

Pei Yufeng turned his head slightly. "It's already a lot better. It looked way worse when I was first rescued. The old fisherman put herbal poultices on me for a few days—they bring down swelling and bruising fast. It's just this wound on my brow that was the deepest. It bled a lot at the time, and they had no medicine, so they could only wrap it in cloth and wait for it to close on its own. That's why it left such a deep scar."

Pei Yufeng raised his hand, pointing at the gash above his left brow. "Right here. It'll probably leave a scar—I'll be uglier now. Does it freak you out?"

Ji Yunshu came back around to face him, crouching down to look up at the wound on his brow. After the iodine, the edges of the scab had softened a bit, but it was still clearly deep—a diagonal cut from his brow bone toward the corner of his eye. The flesh had been split open and then grown back together, healing unevenly and leaving a very visible mark.

"It's not ugly," Ji Yunshu said.

Pei Yufeng looked down at her, his lips parting slightly. Before he could speak, Ji Yunshu's tears fell, landing softly on his knee.

"It's not ugly," Ji Yunshu said again, her voice thick with emotion. "Not ugly at all. You look good no matter what."

As soon as she finished speaking, Ji Yunshu suddenly lunged forward, wrapping both arms around his waist and hugging him tight. Pei Yufeng drew in a sharp breath—probably because she was pressing on the bruises on his back—but he didn't make a sound. Instead, he held her even tighter, one hand on the back of her head.

Ji Yunshu buried her face in the crook of his neck, her lips pressed against a small patch of unblemished skin near his collarbone. Her shoulders shook with each sob, and her tears smeared across his neck.

"Do you know how scared I was?" Ji Yunshu's voice was muffled against his neck, barely understandable. "Every day I sat in the house thinking—are you clinging to some reef waiting for someone to find you? Did you drift onto some deserted island? Are you... are you hungry, alone, covered in wounds, waiting for me to find you?"

Pei Yufeng closed his eyes, his chin resting on top of her head. His throat bobbed once, and his voice came out low. "I know."

"You don't know." Ji Yunshu pulled back from his embrace, looking up at him with red, tear-filled eyes. "If you knew, you wouldn't have made me wait this long."

"I won't do it again." Pei Yufeng raised his hand, his thumb wiping away the tears on her face. "I'll never make you wait this long again."

Ji Yunshu sniffled, looking at his face. Cracked lips, stubbled jaw, sunken cheekbones, and that angry-looking wound on his brow. She reached out her index finger and, with the pad of her fingertip, gently—so gently—touched the edge of the wound, like she was touching something fragile.

"Does it hurt?"

"Not anymore."

"You're lying."

The corner of Pei Yufeng's mouth curved up. "It still hurts a little."

Ji Yunshu pulled her hand back and gave his shoulder a light punch—gentle, completely different from how hard she'd hit him before. She didn't want to hurt Pei Yufeng anymore. Then she leaned back into his arms, pressing her cheek against his chest, listening to the beat of his heart.

Thump, thump.

Thump, thump.

One beat after another, clear and steady.

"You still owe Nian Nian and Sheng Sheng a birthday celebration." Ji Yunshu said in a muffled voice, her lips pressed against the skin of his chest, her words slightly slurred.

"I know," Pei Yufeng said, his palm resting on her back, patting it twice. "I owe them. I'll make it up to them. Two birthdays."

"How?"

"I'll make them a little wooden rocking horse." There was a hint of a smile in Pei Yufeng's voice. "While I was on the island, I saw little wooden toys carved in the old fisherman's yard. Nian Nian would love it."

"And Sheng Sheng?"

"I'll make him a little wooden gun. He's quiet, but he's still a boy after all."

Ji Yunshu lifted her head from his chest. "You know how to do woodworking?"

"No." Pei Yufeng was perfectly honest. "But I can learn."

Ji Yunshu broke into a smile through her tears, the corner of her mouth lifting before she quickly tried to hide it. She stood up from his embrace, turned to tidy up the scattered gauze and cotton balls on the coffee table, then closed the medicine kit and put it back on top of the cabinet. But when she turned back around, she found Pei Yufeng leaning against the sofa back, watching her with an unusually tender gaze.

Ji Yunshu walked over and sat down beside him, her hands twisting together in her lap. The room was quiet, save for Nian Nian babbling to herself on the mat and the occasional rustle of Sheng Sheng turning pages.

"During this time..." Ji Yunshu began, her voice so soft it was as if she feared startling something, "were you thinking every day about how to get back?"

Pei Yufeng turned his head to look at her. "Yes."

"Did you ever think about the possibility that you might not make it back?"

Pei Yufeng was silent for a moment. "I did."

Ji Yunshu's hands twisted even tighter, bracing herself for whatever unpleasant words might come.

"But I always remembered what you said. Whenever I thought about you and Nian Nian and Sheng Sheng still waiting for me at home, I told myself I couldn't not come back." Pei Yufeng's voice was calm, as if stating something utterly ordinary. "My fever broke on the fourth day on the island, and by the fifth day I could walk. I went to the shore every day to watch the wind and waves, waiting for them to calm. The old fisherman told me not to rush—he said the sea has its own temper, and it quiets down once it's had its fill of raging. I listened to him, but I still went to look every day."

"You were afraid the wind and waves would never stop." Ji Yunshu said softly.

"I was afraid you'd been waiting too long." Pei Yufeng gazed deeply at Ji Yunshu as he spoke.

Ji Yunshu's eyes grew wet again, but she held back her tears. She scooted closer to Pei Yufeng until their shoulders touched.

"I celebrated Nian Nian and Sheng Sheng's birthday myself." Ji Yunshu said. "I steamed some buns and made little rabbits and tigers out of red dates. Nian Nian grabbed one and started chewing on it. Sheng Sheng broke off one of the bun's ears and held it up for a long time, then finally handed it to me. He can't talk yet, but I think he was missing you."

Pei Yufeng's gaze flickered. "He wanted to save it for me?" "I don't know," Ji Yunshu shook her head. "But the fact that he broke off that ear meant something like that." She paused. "I think he was waiting for you too."

Pei Yufeng didn't speak, his Adam's apple bobbing.

Ji Yunshu leaned her head against his shoulder, breathing in the faint scent of soap from his recent shower, beneath which lingered a subtle trace of sea salt. She closed her eyes and suddenly felt the heavy stone that had been suspended over her heart for the past half month finally come crashing down, shattering into pieces.

"Pei Yufeng," she called softly.

"Hmm?"

"All this time, I never once thought you were dead." Ji Yunshu's voice was gentle, slow, each word carefully spoken. "Commander Lin knelt in front of me and said he saw the wave sweep you away with his own eyes—I still didn't believe it. Sister Li Shu and the others came by to comfort me, but I still didn't believe it. I just figured, you've always kept every promise you made to me. You said you'd come back, so I knew you would."

Pei Yufeng reached over and took her hand where it rested on her knee. His palm was warm, rough with calluses, and his thumb brushed gently across the back of her hand.

"You always believed in me."

"I always believed in you," Ji Yunshu said.

She turned her head to look at him. Sunlight slanted through the window, casting a warm glow across his profile. The wound on his brow caught the light, the scar clearly visible, but she didn't find it ugly at all. She looked at his eyes, his lips, the slight upward curve at the corner of his mouth.

There were things she'd never said out loud. From the day they married, to moving with him to the island, to carrying his children—those words had always been tucked away in the deepest part of her heart, like a book tucked at the bottom of a trunk. She'd occasionally open it, glance at the pages, then close it again, telling herself it didn't matter if she never said them—day after day passed, and he ought to know anyway.

But in this moment, she suddenly felt that some words, if left unsaid now, might be too late one day.

"Pei Yufeng," she called his name again, more solemnly this time.

"Hmm?"

"I love you."

Three words—light as air, yet heavy as stone. Ji Yunshu herself was startled when the words left her lips. She hadn't expected them to come so naturally, yet they carried both a hint of shyness and a quiet, unapologetic certainty.

She hadn't expected to tell him she loved him so suddenly, like this. When she'd first married him, her feelings had been like a younger sister's toward an older brother—mostly familial affection, mostly a wish for him to live safely. But somewhere along the way, Pei Yufeng had slowly walked into her heart, and Ji Yunshu realized her feelings for him were no longer just familial.

At one point, she'd been eager to have a child with him. The first reason was her fear that if Pei Yufeng truly died, her grandmother wouldn't survive the blow—a child would give her grandmother something to live for. The second reason was that the country's policies were favorable; if Pei Yufeng fell, she and the child, as the family of a martyr, wouldn't be mistreated and could still live peacefully through the Great Movement.

But now, she couldn't even stand him getting hurt during training. If Pei Yufeng truly died... Ji Yunshu didn't dare imagine what she'd become.

She would never, ever allow Pei Yufeng to leave her.

The tears came again. "Pei Yufeng, I love you."

His hand froze over hers.

He turned to look at her, a flicker of emotion shifting in his eyes. His lips parted slightly, then pressed together. He seemed to want to say something, but his throat was blocked, his Adam's apple bobbing several times without a single word coming out.

Ji Yunshu looked at his stunned expression and felt like both crying and laughing. She reached up with both hands to cup his face, her palms against his cheeks, her thumbs gently tracing the wound on his brow.

Then she leaned forward and kissed him.

Tasting of tears and salt, of iodine and medicine, carrying all the panic, hurt, waiting, and relief of having him back after all these days—Ji Yunshu kissed him fiercely, as if she could pour every unsaid word of the past two weeks into that single kiss.

Pei Yufeng's hands came up, closing over hers where they held his face, squeezing gently.

Ji Yunshu kissed him for a long while before pulling back, her forehead resting against his, their noses brushing. A tear still clung to her lashes, and when she blinked, it fell, landing between their lips.

"You came back," Ji Yunshu whispered, her voice thin as a silk thread, trembling. "What would I have done without you."

Pei Yufeng opened his eyes to look at her. They were so close he could see his own reflection in her irises—a tiny figure, tinted warm gold by the setting sun.

He cradled the back of her head and pulled her into his chest, his lips against her hair, his voice low and rough: "I'm back."

Nian Nian had grown bored with the mat. She hauled herself up against the coffee table and wobbled toward the sofa. When she reached them, she tugged at Pei Yufeng's pant leg and looked up at him, calling out.

Pei Yufeng released Ji Yunshu and bent down to scoop up his daughter. He lifted her into the air, and she giggled, clapping her hands, one small palm smacking near the wound on his face. Pei Yufeng let out a soft "hiss," and Nian Nian immediately stopped, tilting her head to examine the wound. Then she leaned in and pressed her soft, wet little lips to the scab on his brow.

As if to make it better.

Pei Yufeng went still, looking down at his daughter's round eyes. Nian Nian grinned again, showing a few tiny baby teeth, and patted her own mouth proudly.

Ji Yunshu watched from the side, a smile curving her lips. She reached over to take Nian Nian from him: "Alright, don't touch Daddy's wound."

Sheng Sheng had wandered over at some point, standing quietly by Pei Yufeng's leg, looking up at him. He was even quieter than his sister—didn't speak, didn't reach out, just looked up at him, his dark, glossy eyes reflecting Pei Yufeng's face.

Pei Yufeng bent down and settled him on his other leg. Once both little ones were settled on their father's lap, they glanced at each other. Nian Nian reached for Sheng Sheng's sleeve, and Sheng Sheng shoved his cloth tiger over to her.

Ji Yunshu sat beside them, watching the three of them crammed together on the sofa. Sunlight streamed in from the western window, casting their long shadows across the white wall behind them.

She leaned back against the sofa and let out a long, slow exhale.

The sea breeze drifted in through the window, carrying the distinctive coolness of early evening, brushing gently across the dried tear tracks on her face. She suddenly felt that this evening was beautiful—so beautiful she never wanted to forget it.

Nian Nian was growing drowsy against Pei Yufeng's shoulder, her little mouth opening in a yawn. Sheng Sheng's eyelids had also drooped in the crook of his arm, his small hand still clutching the button on Pei Yufeng's chest.

Pei Yufeng let his head fall back against the sofa. He closed his eyes and let out a long breath.

Ji Yunshu leaned over, adjusting the two children's slumped bodies so they were more comfortable. Then she slipped her hand into Pei Yufeng's free one, lacing their fingers together.

"Don't you dare run off again," Ji Yunshu said. "Don't even think about it."

Pei Yufeng kept his eyes closed, a smile curving the corner of his mouth. "Mm. I won't."

--

That evening, after Ji Yunshu had put both children to sleep, she pressed him further: "So you knew Ye Zifeng was a problem?"

"I'd had my suspicions for a while," Pei Yufeng said, looking at her. "Several previous missions had intelligence leaks, and I was investigating. This time I adjusted my strategy on the fly because I knew the information had been leaked. Ye Zifeng extracted a lot of intel from Political Commissar Fang and sold it to enemy agents—that was an extra part of what I had to deal with on this mission."

Ji Yunshu's tears fell again. "So you were taking risks from the very beginning. You knew there was danger before you left, and you didn't say one word to me."

Pei Yufeng's gaze darkened. "I couldn't say. It's discipline."

"Discipline, discipline, discipline—" Ji Yunshu raised her hand, wanting to hit him again, but stopped herself, thinking of his wounds. "That's all you ever have—discipline! Did you ever think about me?! Did you ever think about what Nian Nian and Sheng Sheng would do if they lost their dad?!"

Her hand hung in the air, clenched into a fist, knuckles white, but she never brought it down. She stared at the patch of skin on his chest, red from the hot water, then looked at her own fist. Finally, she let her hand drop, her fingers curling one by one back into her palm.

Pei Yufeng took her hand, guiding her unclenched fist to his chest.

"Go ahead, hit me," he said. "I won't dodge."

Ji Yunshu glared at him, eyes red and swollen, lips pressed into a thin line. "I'm not hitting you. You're covered in wounds, and I'd hit you on top of that? What kind of person would I be?"

"Then hit me when you think I've healed," Pei Yufeng said, looking at her.

"You—" Ji Yunshu was choked up by his words, wanting to be angry and laugh at the same time. Finally she sniffed hard. "Don't you get smart with me."

Pei Yufeng looked at her, his gaze softening, his thumb stroking the back of her hand. His voice was low, with a rare tenderness: "Xiaoshu."

"What." Ji Yunshu was still angry, refusing to look at him.

Pei Yufeng didn't answer right away. He slowly sat up straighter, his back lifting from the sofa, shoulders squared, sitting as straight as if he were receiving orders in the army. He didn't let go of her hand—instead, he held it tighter, lacing his fingers through hers and clasping her palm.

"Look at me," he said quietly.

Ji Yunshu paused and turned her head. She froze when she saw the look on his face—Pei Yufeng had never looked at her like that before. His brow was slightly relaxed, the fresh scar on his brow bone glinting red in the light, yet it didn't make him look the slightest bit disheveled. His lips were pressed together, no smile at the corners, but every line of his face had softened, as if the cold, hard edges he always wore had melted away in that moment.

"I love you too," Pei Yufeng said solemnly.

Ji Yunshu's hand stopped still in his palm. She looked up at him, her eyes still misty, reflecting fragments of the lamplight in a small, shimmering patch.

Pei Yufeng repeated it again, word by word: "I love you too. I've had a crush on you for a really long time."

Ji Yunshu stared at him for several seconds, then suddenly turned her face away, her voice all muffled: "Hmph, I can't tell you love me at all."

"You can't tell?"

"You can't tell?" Ji Yunshu turned her face back and raised a finger to poke his shoulder a couple of times in mock reproach. "You never tell me anything. You leave for a mission without telling me what the danger is, you're gone for so long without sending a single word, and I'm at home pacing around worrying every day—and you're just fine, on some island, with an old fisherman making you fish soup. And you call that love?"

Pei Yufeng was at a loss for words after her scolding, but he couldn't help the corners of his mouth curling up.

"And you're smiling?" Ji Yunshu got even angrier.

"Not smiling anymore." Pei Yufeng pressed his lips down, but the amusement in his eyes was impossible to hide. "I just think you look cute when you're scolding me."

Ji Yunshu slapped his uninjured shoulder with a sharp smack. Then she looked down at the spot to make sure there was no bruise, and only then let out a breath.

"Don't try to change the subject." She glared at him. "You haven't answered me yet—you call this loving me?"

Pei Yufeng was silent for a moment. He looked at Ji Yunshu, his gaze moving from her red nose to her slightly pouty lips, then to her wet, tearful eyes that were still stubbornly glaring at him even after all the crying.

"I'm no good with words," Pei Yufeng said. "Some things I don't know how to say. I didn't tell you before the mission because of discipline, but also because I was afraid you'd worry. I knew that if I told you, you wouldn't be able to sleep, you'd be counting the days, waiting for me to come back. If I kept quiet, you'd have less to worry about."

"Less to worry about—what kind of messed-up logic is that?" Ji Yunshu cut him off. "When you don't tell me anything, that's when I worry more. I spend every day guessing what you're up to, guessing whether you're hurt, guessing whether you're pulling some stunt again—don't you know that guessing is worse than knowing?"

Pei Yufeng nodded. "Now I know."

"Will you still hide things from me in the future?"

"As long as it's something I'm allowed to say, I won't hide it anymore." Pei Yufeng thought seriously for a moment, then added, "But if discipline doesn't let me say it, I still can't."

Ji Yunshu shot him another glare, but this time the corner of her mouth twitched up slightly. She knew he was telling the truth—that's just how military discipline worked. Things you couldn't ask, things you couldn't say—she'd understood that when she married him. She was just mad that he'd come back all banged up, mad that he'd shouldered all the hardship alone without a word.

"Forget it." She leaned back against the sofa, letting out a long breath. "As long as you're back, that's what matters."

Pei Yufeng turned sideways to look at her and suddenly said, "Commander Lu approved my injury leave."

"How long?"

"Half a month."

Ji Yunshu's eyes lit up, but her mouth let out a dismissive "hmph": "What's half a month good for?"

"Good enough for you to boss me around," Pei Yufeng said. "For these two weeks, whatever you tell me to do, I'll do it. Boiling water, cooking, watching the kids, washing clothes, sweeping the floor—just say the word, and I'll handle it all."

Ji Yunshu glanced at him sideways. "Really?"

"Really."

"Then you'd better keep your word."

"I'll keep my word."

Ji Yunshu finally couldn't help but smile, a faint curve lifting the corners of her mouth. She leaned closer to Pei Yufeng, resting her head on his shoulder, wrapping both arms around his, her cheek pressed against the outside of his arm. Through the thin shirt fabric, she could feel the firm muscle and warm body heat of his arm.

The room was quiet for a while. The two children were already fast asleep in the small bed in the bedroom—Nian Nian occasionally smacking her lips in her dreams, Sheng Sheng sleeping silently. The lampshade gathered a warm pool of yellow light, casting the two of their shadows on the wall across from them.

Ji Yunshu closed her eyes, and a thought suddenly crossed her mind. She'd had this thought many times before, but had never asked it out loud. She'd always felt that asking such a question would seem overly sentimental, yet not asking left it itching in her heart.

"Pei Yufeng, when did you start liking me?" Ji Yunshu lifted her head and looked at him.

Author's note:

Finally here!! Confession, confession! Sorry I was on a business trip and caught COVID... I hate this virus. Consider this my compensation to you all.