Chapter 66

Chapter 66

◎I Want You◎

After playing the birthday congratulatory tune for Li Guiyu, Luo Wanqing put down her lute and leaped from the long corridor to land in front of Cui Heng.

Cui Heng looked at her with a smile but did not say anything. Luo Wanqing glanced at the servant holding the zither and took it with one hand. She asked curiously, "Why didn't you accept it?"

Cui Heng did not answer but instead asked, "Why did you play that tune just now?"

This question made Luo Wanqing a little embarrassed. She coughed lightly and then said, "I heard... today is your birthday. I thought the first tune was not very auspicious, so I played another one for you."

Hearing this, Cui Heng lowered his head and chuckled softly.

His smile was different from usual. Although he always smiled, it always felt like a mask on his face. At this moment, there was a hint of bitterness in his smile, but Luo Wanqing felt that he had never been more real in front of her.

After a moment, he took out a gold bead and handed it to the servant, saying, "Bring me your bow and give me three arrows."

The servant, hearing this, brought the bow in confusion. In front of everyone's puzzled eyes, Cui Heng placed the three arrows on the bow.

"What are you doing?"

Luo Wanqing turned to look at where the arrow was pointing.

She saw three copper coins hanging under the roof almost invisible in the night. Cui Heng focused for a moment before suddenly releasing the arrow.

The arrow shot towards the three copper coins and, as it pierced through the center hole of each coin, pulled a thin string, causing three fireworks to explode loudly on the high building.

Luo Wanqing widened her eyes and stared blankly at the fireworks on the roof.

Cui Heng turned to look at her.

She stood by his side, holding the zither he had given her with joy, her eyes filled with the fireworks in the sky.

For some reason, even though he knew he shouldn't, he couldn't help but reach out and hold her hand.

At the touch, Luo Wanqing turned back in surprise, and he could feel sweat breaking out in his palm.

Neither of them spoke, their faces hidden behind masks. They just stared at each other in silence. After a moment, Cui Heng heard someone rushing towards them.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Li Guiyu rushing out of the alley, looking around. Cui Heng suddenly came to his senses. He tightened his grip on Luo Wanqing's hand and whispered, "Li Guiyu is here."

With that, he pulled her towards the crowded area ahead.

The fireworks continued to bloom in the sky, making the entire street flicker between light and darkness.

Li Guiyu arrived at the approximate location where he had heard the lute music. He turned to watch the fireworks and saw a familiar figure being led away by a young man carrying a zither.

Li Guiyu watched that scene blankly. The woman seemed to turn back and look at him.

She wore a white jade peach blossom mask, so her face was unclear, but she looked somewhat similar to Luo Wanqing, yet completely different.

Luo Wanqing did not know how to play the zither, and he had never seen her carry one.

She would never be led by someone and run so freely down the street.

He stood there in a daze, feeling a tearing pain spreading in his heart as he watched the two figures run away.

When the fireworks faded, Zi Tang and Qingzhu caught up to Li Guiyu and asked anxiously, "Your Highness, what happened?"

"Find out," Li Guiyu regained his composure and realized he had lost control of his emotions. He said in a low voice, "who played the lute here just now?"

Hearing this, Zi Tang and Qingzhu hurriedly went to ask the people nearby.

After a while, they found out and reported back to Li Guiyu, "It was a woman wearing a white jade peach blossom mask."

Zi Tang said seriously, "We heard that she was with her lover..."

"That wasn't her lover!" Li Guiyu interrupted Zi Tang, his eyes cold as he corrected, "She came with a man. What happened after that?"

Zi Tang sensed that something was wrong with Li Guiyu's mood and hurriedly lowered his head, speaking cautiously, "The woman came with a man. They spent over half an hour playing around Linglong Street. The man won the entire street, and then the woman won a zither with a lute tune. Then she played another tune on the long corridor. After that, the man shot down three copper coins with three arrows and lit the fireworks at the zither pavilion."

Hearing this, Li Guiyu closed his eyes.

How could he not understand?

The first lute tune was a lament for the dead, while the second was a celebratory tune for the young people of Jiangnan.

The first tune was played to win the zither, and the second was played for someone's birthday.

"Go investigate."

Li Guiyu suppressed his emotions, closing his eyes and raising his hand. "Find out who it was."

Although he had already guessed the person's identity, he never relied on intuition or guesses.

One must have solid evidence when doing things.

How could someone who was fooling around with another man be his lady?

However, as soon as he closed his eyes, he saw the scene from years ago on the street in Jiangnan, with Luo Wanqing standing beside him, clapping in delight.

Winning the entire street...

Li Guiyu couldn't help clenching his fists and laughed mockingly. Who hadn't won before?

"Forget it." Li Guiyu opened his eyes and called out coldly to Zi Tang and the others, "Prepare some men tomorrow and wait outside the Duke An's residence. Help Lu Lingchan at the critical moment."

These words left Zi Tang and Qingzhu confused. "Your Highness?"

"Help him enter the Zheng Mansion, and Zheng Jinxin will assist him." Li Guiyu twirled the jade finger ring on his hand, glancing back at the end of the long street, where the two departing figures were already out of sight. Staring down the street, he said coldly, "Whether it's true or not, we'll know with one test."

******

Luo Wanqing followed Cui Heng as they ran out onto the main street, unable to resist looking back.

Cui Heng silently let go of her hand. Seeing her turn around, he smiled and said, "What's up? Do you want to go back?"

"I just find it strange," Luo Wanqing replied, turning back to him. "An hour has passed, and he's still chasing us?"

"Who knows?"

Cui Heng chuckled, walking alongside her toward the Supervision Division.

When they returned to the division, they were informed that Zhang Yiran was waiting for them with Mei Xiang.

Luo Wanqing and Cui Heng hurried to the main hall. After meeting the witness named Mei Xiang, Luo Wanqing thanked Zhang Yiran. Then, she had people wake up Fang Yuan and the others, sending Zhang Yiran over to them. She personally confirmed with Mei Xiang that she had seen Lu Lingchan among the human traffickers, had her sign and seal the statement, and settled her in.

By the time all this was done, it was already late at night. After escorting Mei Xiang to her room, Luo Wanqing realized that Cui Heng had been following her with the zither the whole time.

She turned to look at Cui Heng, somewhat embarrassed. "You must have barely rested after returning tonight. I forgot to tell you to rest first..."

"It's fine."

Cui Heng interrupted her gently. "I'm happy watching how you handle things."

With that, Cui Heng carried the zither forward. "Come on, I'll walk you back."

Luo Wanqing followed Cui Heng as they headed toward the back mountain. For some reason, seeing him carry the zither ahead made her slow down her pace.

Cui Heng remained silent, so Luo Wanqing couldn't help but start a conversation. "What are your plans for tomorrow?"

"I have something to do."

Cui Heng glanced at her with a smile, understanding her intentions. "Do you want to see me again?"

"It depends on your convenience."

Luo Wanqing didn't dare make demands, and Cui Heng didn't say anything.

Once they reached the mountain, Cui Heng escorted Luo Wanqing to her door and handed her the zither. "Take it inside."

Luo Wanqing looked at the zither, hesitating for a moment before saying softly, "This zither is what I won for you."

Upon hearing this, Cui Heng raised his head. Luo Wanqing smiled. "Regardless of its past, today I won it for you. You should take it back."

"I..." Cui Heng hesitated. "It's not appropriate for me to keep this zither."

"Why?"

"It was handmade by Cui Changxi's lover. I don't dare to keep it."

"The person she's marrying is Young Master?" Luo Wanqing exclaimed in surprise.

Cui Heng paused, then explained somewhat helplessly, "No. When the zither was gifted, there was a difference in status between that person and her. He personally made the zither but couldn't give it directly, so he had Xie Heng deliver it instead. That's why everyone assumed Xie Heng made the zither."

Hearing this, Luo Wanqing nodded and then asked, "Is that person still alive?"

"Yes."

"In that case," Luo Wanqing suggested to Cui Heng, smiling, "you could give it back to him."

"What if it stirs up emotions?" Cui Heng looked at the phoenix-returning zither in his hands.

Luo Wanqing laughed. "Why wouldn't it remind him of her?"

Cui Heng fell silent.

Luo Wanqing spoke gently. "If one day I die, even if I might say to forget me, I would still hope that those who love me can remember me without being trapped by my memory. If we truly loved each other, there must have been beautiful moments. Why be afraid to think about them?"

Cui Heng listened quietly, gazing into her eyes.

Seeing that he wasn't speaking, Luo Wanqing couldn't help but ask, "Why aren't you saying anything?"

"Would you feel the same way about Li Guiyu?"

Cui Heng spoke, and Luo Wanqing was taken aback.

Realizing his slip, Cui Heng chuckled lightly and then said, "Understood. Thank you for the zither. It's late tonight, Xiniang, you should rest."

With that, Cui Heng prepared to leave with the zither.

Luo Wanqing quickly called out, "Wait."

Cui Heng turned around and saw Luo Wanqing taking out a box from her sleeve.

Cui Heng looked puzzled as Luo Wanqing opened the box, revealing the white jade flying crane hairpin inside.

Cui Heng stared blankly at the white jade flying crane hairpin in the box, listening to Luo Wanqing say, "This hairpin isn't for Lord Zhang; it's for you."

Cui Heng looked at the hairpin, and after a long pause, he said hoarsely, "The quality of this hairpin is quite good. It must have cost a lot, right?"

Luo Wanqing was somewhat embarrassed and awkwardly replied, "I don't usually spend much money."

Cui Heng didn't say anything. His gaze slowly moved upward from the hairpin to Luo Wanqing's face.

After a moment of hesitation, Luo Wanqing whispered, "Can I put it on you to see how it looks?"

Cui Heng hesitated for a moment before responding, "Sure."

Luo Wanqing was somewhat delighted as she led Cui Heng into the room and had him sit down.

Cui Heng placed the zither aside and sat in front of the mirror.

They did not light any lamps, only moonlight fell within the room, yet Cui Heng could clearly see the expression on the person behind him.

She untied his hairpin for him and gently bound his hair.

He didn't want to ask why she would bind a man's hairpin for him; he just quietly looked at the two of them in the mirror.

Since he was eighteen years old, he had never felt such peace and joy.

This peace and joy made him feel fearful, and he couldn't help but clench his hands resting on his knees.

He was too happy, so happy that he was afraid, afraid that he wouldn't be able to let go.

When she finished binding his hairpin, Luo Wanqing looked up and gazed at the youth in the mirror. Even though he wore a mask, she couldn't help but arch her eyebrows and praise, "Beautiful."

Cui Heng looked at the person in the mirror and said softly, "Is this to celebrate my birthday?"

"Yes."

Luo Wanqing lowered her head to look at the hairpin on his head and said softly, "Happy birthday to you, may you find joy every year."

Cui Heng dared not speak.

He looked into the mirror and became acutely aware that she was looking at him.

Her eyes were filled with him.

At this moment, in this scene, under this sky and on this earth, there was only Cui Heng and her.

This realization brought about a surge of immense joy and celebration in his heart. He turned around and lifted his gaze, restraining his emotions as he gazed at her.

But perhaps even his restrained gaze was too intense, Luo Wanqing sensed it and lowered her head.

The moment their gazes met, Luo Wanqing's heart trembled.

His eyes seemed to have a web of heaven and earth, trapping her tightly.

As they looked at each other, he stood up, his shadow enveloping her, and his aura surrounding her.

Her heartbeat quickened inexplicably, and suddenly the question he asked earlier tonight flashed through her mind—

What if I kissed you?

This thought crossed her mind, as if it traveled from her heart to her eyes.

He looked into her eyes, his gaze flickering, as if trying to convey something without words.

Every drop of his blood was roaring, his breathing couldn't help but become disordered, and his muscles quivered slightly in restraint.

He didn't dare let her notice, his Adam's apple moved slightly, and he struggled to control his arms, raising his hand to steadily cover her eyes.

Luo Wanqing raised her head in puzzlement, her slender neck like a crane, her lips unconsciously meeting his.

"Since it's my birthday," he couldn't tear his eyes away, completely focused on her lips, and said hoarsely, "Then grant me one wish?"

"What is it?"

"I want you to..."

Cui Heng spoke these three words and paused.

Luo Wanqing waited quietly. After a long while, he seemed to muster all his strength before saying, "Become the best Si Shi in the Supervision Division."

Luo Wanqing had already guessed what he would say and smiled, readily agreeing, "Alright."

Cui Heng looked at her smile and knew that she hadn't really considered his previous words. Perhaps the first sentence was the truth.

He wanted her.

Not just to become the best Si Shi in the Supervision Division.

What he wanted was her, the person herself.

But this was never something he could obtain simply by wishing for it, nor was it something she could control. Her agreement was merely deceiving him.

If it wasn't deceiving him, then Xie Heng couldn't make a wish for her.

However, even if it was something he shouldn't do, wearing the jade hairpin she gave him and looking at the person in front of him, he still couldn't restrain himself, knowing clearly.

He wanted her.

This desire was so intense that it felt like enduring the withdrawal of a thousand times the amount of mandala incense, causing every inch of his muscles to ache.

Seeing that he still hadn't let go, Luo Wanqing asked in puzzlement, "Cui Heng?"

"Don't open your eyes."

Cui Heng said hoarsely, then held his breath and carefully lowered his head, kissing her eyes through his palm.

This kiss was precious and cautious. Luo Wanqing only felt the person in front of her draw near and then move away again.

"Don't open your eyes, don't make a sound."

He reminded her again.

Luo Wanqing laughed. "What are you doing?"

"If you open your eyes, I'm afraid I won't be able to leave."

"Why do you have to go then?"

Luo Wanqing was puzzled.

Cui Heng remained silent.

After a long while, he laughed. He leaned close to her ear, his breath brushing against it. He no longer concealed his voice, which was now hoarse and filled with desire as he emphasized, "I must go."

This tone made Luo Wanqing pause. She didn't know what exactly had changed in his voice compared to how he usually sounded, but she felt something different the moment she heard it.

She couldn't help but stiffen, somewhat startled.

Cui Heng noticed and chuckled.

He didn't say more, straightening up. She faintly heard him pick up the zither and gently say, "Thank you."

"Wait!"

Luo Wanqing didn't dare open her eyes, but she remembered, "The box on the dressing table contains something you gave me. Please take it back; it's too valuable for me to accept."

Hearing this, he laughed.

"It's not as good as this white jade hairpin."

With that, he stepped away.

After he left, Luo Wanqing slowly opened her eyes after a long time.

Looking at the empty room, she felt a bit lost. Then she smiled and quickly brushed away her disappointment.

She patted her cheeks and decided to wash up.

There would be a tough battle tomorrow when the arrest warrant came down.

Luo Wanqing took a deep breath, adjusted her mood, washed up, and returned to bed.

However, the moment she closed her eyes, she couldn't help but recall the instant he held her under the fireworks, and she turned around.

She seemed to see panic in his eyes, making her feel that his act of pulling her had nothing to do with Li Guiyu.

Even if no one had come after them, no one had chased them, and they didn't need to run away, he still would have held her.

As Luo Wanqing lay down to sleep, Xie Heng returned to the small courtyard with the zither in his arms. Looking up, he saw Qingya sitting by the chess table, drinking tea and waiting for him.

The chessboard was filled with intersecting pieces. Xie Heng glanced at him and walked over with the zither.

"Zhao Sanhu and the Duke's Mansion are already being watched, but Li Guiyu is a bit of an enigma. His people searched for you all night, but it's unclear what they were looking for."

Qingya looked at the chessboard, playing with the piece in his hand, and said slowly, "A game of chess?"

"Here."

Xie Heng placed the zither beside Qingya.

Seeing the zither, Qingya paused. Xie Heng turned inside and said indifferently, "I found it in the zither pavilion."

"Why bring it back?"

Qingya gently stroked the strings. Xie Heng picked up on the implied meaning: "Do you know where it is?"

"I know."

"Why not retrieve it?"

"Because," Qingya raised his gaze to look at Xie Heng, "it's a thing of the past, unworthy of nostalgia. Young Master and I will meet her again in the future."

Xie Heng paused in washing his hands as a wave of blood-colored light obscured the moonlight of the night.

His hand trembled slightly as he lowered his eyes and responded.

"Mm."

Luo Wanqing slept through the night and woke up early the next day. Using Mei Xiang's testimony, she applied for an arrest warrant.

******

Mei Xiang was one of the victims who had been detained with her before. She was quite attractive, and according to the testimony of a recently captured trafficker, they regularly offered a batch of bold women, personally selected by Lu Lingchan. Those chosen were taken by Lu Lingchan, while the rest were sold.

Mei Xiang had been one of the women sent for selection but had been rejected. However, she had indeed seen Lu Lingchan among the traffickers.

Luo Wanqing used a portrait of Lu Lingchan for identification and recorded her testimony. This evidence was enough for her to apply for Lu Lingchan's arrest.

She had obtained the testimony last night, but no one was available to approve the arrest warrant at that hour. Luo Wanqing could only submit it early in the morning and then notified the people who had been working with her on the East Palace case during these days.

After the conflict yesterday, some of them didn't want to talk to her. She asked everyone to arrive by the ninth hour, but the group dragged their feet and arrived two hours late.

Once everyone entered, Luo Wanqing gave Fang Yuan a look, and he immediately got up to close the door. Luo Wanqing looked around and said with a smile, "Everyone, I've called you here today to announce something."

"What are you announcing?" someone complained. "Capturing some stray cats and dogs, Investigator Liu can just do it herself. Why does she need to call us over to discuss it every time?"

"Today, we're not capturing stray cats and dogs."

Luo Wanqing glanced at the speaker and realized it was the same person who always contradicted her—Lu Lingchan.

She ignored it and placed a stack of files on the table. She swept her gaze over everyone and said slowly, "First, I'd like to apologize to my colleagues. These days, I've deceived all of you. From the beginning, I intended to thoroughly investigate the East Palace case."

Hearing this, everyone looked over in surprise. Zhao Sanhu couldn't help but say, "Thoroughly investigate? Investigator Liu, are you joking?"

"Whether I'm joking or not, I believe Supervisor Zhao should be the clearest."

Luo Wanqing straightened up and said calmly, "The previous three supervisors all met with mysterious incidents, so I've always suspected there was a mole within the Supervision Division. Recently, I've been intentionally testing everyone."

Hearing this, the expressions of those present varied. Luo Wanqing tapped on the table and continued, "Last night, I went alone to apprehend a key witness. I separately informed five supervisors whom I suspected about this matter. For each supervisor, I mentioned a different name of a witness. Afterwards, I checked the situation of these witnesses one by one. Finally, when I was apprehending Lin Shuzhi, the Chancellor of the Crown Prince's Palace, I encountered an ambush."

As she spoke, Luo Wanqing shifted her gaze to Zhao Sanhu, looking at him with a smile. "The matter of apprehending Lin Shuzhi, I only told Supervisor Zhao Sanhu."

The moment these words were spoken, Zhao Sanhu realized something was amiss and abruptly stood up, drawing his sword to make a dash for it.

However, Fang Zhi, who was seated beside him, had been prepared. The instant Zhao Sanhu drew his sword, Fang Zhi and Fang Shun acted together, pinning him down and disarming him.

Xingling rushed forward as well, cracking his bones in two swift moves. Zhao Sanhu instantly let out a wail of pain, cursing, "Bitch Liu Xiniang..."

Before he could finish, Luo Wanqing put on gloves and pulled out Zhao Sanhu's tongue.

"Still cursing?"

Luo Wanqing laughed coldly. "Don't you want your tongue anymore?"

Zhao Sanhu dared not speak. Luo Wanqing released his tongue in disgust, turned to look at Fang Shun, and raised her hand. "Take him away for interrogation."

Upon hearing this, Fang Shun immediately responded, binding Zhao Sanhu with Fang Zhi before dragging him out.

Once Zhao Sanhu was taken away, the room fell into complete silence. Luo Wanqing threw away her gloves, sat back in her seat, and looked up at everyone, speaking quickly and calmly. "Now that I've caught the mole, we have already gathered substantial evidence. Starting from today, we will begin formal investigations. No tardiness, no early departures, no defiance, no fooling around. If anyone is even a moment late tomorrow," As she finished speaking, Luo Wanqing drew her sword and pressed it against Sun Shangquan's neck, staring intently at him. "Don't blame me for having a sharp blade."

"I dare not."

Sun Shangquan, with a sword at his throat, answered cautiously.

Luo Wanqing sheathed her sword upon hearing this, noticing how everyone had straightened their postures. She said calmly, "Then, all of you wait at the entrance of Duke An's residence today and keep an eye on Lu Lingchan, the Chancellor of the Crown Prince's Palace. This morning, I submitted an application for an arrest warrant. Once the warrant arrives, we'll apprehend him immediately."

"The Chancellor of the Crown Prince's Palace?"

Xingling couldn't help but speak up. "Directly arrest the Chancellor of the Crown Prince's Palace?"

"Capture the king first to seize the bandits," Luo Wanqing explained. "The Chancellor of the Crown Prince's Palace is the core of the entire Eastern Palace's operations. By capturing him, won't everything become clear about how the illicit funds flow and circulate?"

Everyone understood this logic, but directly arresting the heir of Duke An's residence and the Chancellor of the Crown Prince's Palace still left them somewhat alarmed.

Such actions were undoubtedly an absolute provocation towards the noble families, even if it would thoroughly enrage them.

Luo Wanqing knew everyone's concerns. She stood up and said calmly, "Don't be afraid." Her voice was unusually steady, calming everyone down. "If the sky falls, I'll bear it."

Upon hearing this, everyone fell silent. They sized her up, and after a long while, Fang Yuan smiled.

"With Supervisor Liu's words, then I'll go all out."

Luo Wanqing nodded in response.

"Go," Luo Wanqing waved her hand, glancing around at everyone. "Keep an eye on Lu Lingchan."

"Yes."

Everyone stood up and responded together.

After giving the instructions, everyone took action, setting up surveillance on Lu Lingchan.

Arresting someone like Lu Lingchan, an official's son, was different from apprehending commoners. To search the residences of these noble sons required the highest-level search warrants. Luo Wanqing waited for a day, and by the time all the procedures were completed, it was already nightfall. Upon obtaining the warrant, Luo Wanqing ordered coldly, "Xingling, Fang Yuan, assemble the team."

Everyone was already extremely proficient at preparing for missions. After Luo Wanqing gave the order, those remaining in the division began donning their equipment. Luo Wanqing wound the Thousand Mechanism Beads around her wrist, gripped her sword, and led the team straight to Duke An's residence.

When Luo Wanqing was on her way, the atmosphere at Duke An's residence was rather tense.

Lu Lingchan and his father, Duke An, were sitting in the study. Duke An frowned. "Third Highness sent word, saying that last night the Supervision Division planned to arrest Lin Shuzhi. They fear the division intends to conduct a thorough investigation. Your father has already applied to the Ministry of Personnel for your transfer. Once the documents arrive, you should leave immediately."

"What are we afraid of?" Lu Lingchan sneered. "There are so many noble sons in the Eastern Palace. His Majesty hasn't made a sound. Even if they arrest me, what can they do to me?"

"Don't be foolish!"

Duke An became angry upon hearing this. "The Supervision Division is different from the Criminal Department and the Imperial Censorate. This supervisor has been saying she wouldn't conduct a thorough investigation, so everyone ignored her. In this past month, she has cleared all the cases under the Eastern Palace without touching any high officials. Now, suddenly planning to arrest Lin Shuzhi must mean she's fully prepared. If she really comes to arrest you, do you think she plans to give you just any charge? She might subject you to ten or more tortures in prison until you reveal everyone involved."

At the mention of "torture," Lu Lingchan shuddered.

He couldn't help but say, "Then...should I leave now?"

"If you leave now, it would be fleeing from guilt. There would be no need for an investigation; you'd be considered guilty. For now, stay put. Last night, she didn't manage to arrest Lin Shuzhi, so she can't link it to you yet. You should wait for the transfer orders. If she starts by arresting people lower down, like Lin Shuzhi and others, you can leave then."

"What if she directly targets me?"

Lu Lingchan felt uneasy.

Duke An's face turned cold, and he shouted angrily, "She dares! How outrageous!"

Just as these words were spoken, an urgent report came from outside.

"My lord, young master," a servant rushed in, panting heavily and filled with panic. "The people from the Supervision Division are here!"

"Side Story · 2"

Xie Heng: "He's poaching right in front of me and I have to keep my cool. So infuriating, can't take it anymore, I'm going to confront him!"

Luo Wanqing: "So awkward, having to ask the boss to deal with my bad romance. Thank you, boss."

Xie Heng: "Does he often harass you?!"

Luo Wanqing: "No, don’t worry, boss. I know you're not interested in these matters. I'll handle it next time."

Xie Heng: "Who said I'm not interested?"

Luo Wanqing: "Ah?"

Xie Heng: "This is my personal number. Call me immediately if something like this happens again. I'll deal with him personally. Leave him to me, I'll handle him myself."