Chapter 32 She Should Allow Herself to Be Happy

Chapter 32 She Should Allow Herself to Be Happy

As night fell, the valley plunged into inky blackness. Birds ceased their songs, insects fell silent, and an eerie quiet descended.

Yan Xuerui was a light sleeper, yet when true silence arrived—so absolute that not even the night watchman’s clapper could be heard outside—she found herself unable to sleep.

Tossing and turning on the bed, she was heard by Bi He, who had come in to trim the candle wick. Bi He asked softly, "Madam, are you not used to this bed here?"

Since entering the marquis’ household, Yan Xuerui had rarely had the chance to spend the night away from home. Gu Yan had given instructions in advance: the room she stayed in was the cleanest and most comfortable in the entire back wing. The bedding and curtains were all brought from the marquis’ residence, pre-washed and sun-dried, and scented with incense.

Yan Xuerui herself was an expert in blending fragrances. The incense in the main residence’s rooms was personally prepared by her. Unlike the cloying sweetness of ordinary incense, the scents she created were clean and refreshing, calming and soothing.

Yet even in such an environment, Yan Xuerui still struggled to fall asleep.

She turned over and said, "It’s nothing. You may go."

Thinking back to when she first arrived at the marquis’ residence, she had also spent night after night unable to sleep well. Now that she had grown accustomed to it, suddenly being away made her feel unsettled.

Yan Xuerui forced herself to close her eyes. After a while, the wooden door opened once more, and a familiar presence wrapped around her like a net as a heavy weight settled on her.

"Mmm—"

Yan Xuerui was forced to open her eyes. The gauze curtains were half-drawn, and in the thick darkness, a faint sliver of moonlight outlined the sharp features of the figure above her. His browbone was like a steep cliff, his phoenix eyes dark and unfathomable.

There was a significant size difference between them. He pressed down on her, making it difficult for her to breathe, yet Yan Xuerui did not struggle. After gently steadying her breath, she asked, "Have you been drinking?"

The smell of alcohol clung to him. She hoped he wasn’t drunk again—it was less convenient here than at the residence.

Her compliance greatly pleased Gu Yan. He chuckled softly and said, "Just a few light drinks. I’m not drunk."

The last time he had drunk heavily was when he realized that the crown prince, whom he had devoted years of effort to mentoring, intended to kill him. Shocked and enraged, Gu Yan had overindulged, but upon sobering up, he made the decisive move to remove the crown prince without hesitation. Today was just an ordinary social engagement, far from enough to make him drunk.

Gu Yan said, "I’ll call for bath water."

He hadn’t drunk much today, worried that the smell might bother her. Before returning to the room, he had repeatedly asked others, and they all assured him there was no trace of alcohol, so he had come directly to bed.

"Don’t. It’s so late, Marquis. You should rest early."

Yan Xuerui hurriedly grabbed his sleeve. In truth, no one had deceived Gu Yan. It was just that Yan Xuerui had a keen sense of smell, and the two of them were too familiar with each other. She detected the faint scent of alcohol on him immediately.

A man with newly awakened desires was hungry like a wolf. After what had happened a few days prior, she shivered at the word "bathing." It was better to let him rest peacefully.

Unaware of Yan Xuerui’s thoughts, Gu Yan only felt that she was exceptionally docile and pleasing tonight. He pulled aside the brocade quilt and held her tenderly.

Soft, wet sounds filled the air as they exchanged intimate whispers. Outer garments were tossed out of the gauze curtains, and Yan Xuerui’s sleepiness disappeared completely.

Perhaps now was the time, while he was in a good mood, to discuss Ming Wei’s matter with him.

...

The dark hair at her temples was damp with thin sweat, clinging to Yan Xuerui’s flushed cheeks. Her beautiful, dark eyes were misty, glistening with moisture. Her skin was exceptionally fair, her jaw delicate and refined, her lips slightly parted, exuding an extremely delicate and vulnerable beauty.

"Marquis—"

She panted softly, her snow-white arms wrapping around the man’s neck. "I was just..."

"Just now, the matter mentioned... that Su... Su Huaimo..."

Gu Yan nibbled her neck lightly, his voice hoarse. "Su what? In a moment like this, mentioning another man deserves punishment."

Yan Xuerui’s skin was tender, and she frowned in discomfort, instinctively pressing her legs together as she reminded him:

"The physician... said we must not be intimate at this time."

Gu Yan said fiercely, "No wonder you’re so bold—you have something to rely on."

Knowing he couldn’t touch her, she chose this moment to provoke him. He had let her be in the morning, yet she still wasn’t behaving.

Did she think he had no way to deal with her? Ridiculous.

Everything about her had been taught by him. Today, he would make her realize she was still too green.

Grinding his molars, Gu Yan suddenly curled his lips into a faint smile, which seemed out of place on his expressionless face.

Yan Xuerui’s heart sank, and an inexplicable sense of panic washed over her.

"Be good."

He patted her lower back gently.

"Lift it up."

***

In the morning, Bi He carefully lifted the bed curtains and said softly, "Madam, Young Master Su has come to visit. He is already in the front hall. What would you like to do...?"

Late last night, water had been called for. She had thought Madam would sleep until noon again. Usually, at times like this, the Marquis would give orders forbidding anyone from disturbing them.

Today, Young Master Su had managed to enter the heavily guarded courtyard, clearly with the Marquis’s tacit approval. Bi He had no choice but to come and wake her mistress.

After calling out twice softly, the beauty on the bed fluttered her eyelashes and slowly opened her eyes.

"Madam, have a sip of water to moisten your throat first."

Bi He brought a teacup to Yan Xuerui’s lips, chattering away, "If you’re tired, I can send him away and arrange to meet later."

"No need."

Yan Xuerui’s voice was dry but lacked the usual hoarseness after such nights.

She took small sips until the cup was empty, then handed it back to Bi He. Slipping into her embroidered shoes, she rose from the bed and moved with ease, showing no signs of having been exhausted all night.

Bi He found it strange. Why had water been requested last night? The mountain lodging was not as convenient as the residence. The maids had been too tired to fetch water themselves and had to ask the guards at the door to carry it in.

She called two young maids to help Yan Xuerui get ready. Yan Xuerui’s hair, smooth as satin, felt like silk through Bi He’s fingers. As she combed it with a horn comb, Bi He massaged her scalp.

"Madam was tired yesterday. Let me help you relax."

Having served Yan Xuerui for so long, some things were understood without words. Marital intimacy was a natural part of life. Yan Xuerui had gone from shyness to taking it in stride, even asking her maids to massage her legs afterward to relax her muscles.

This time, however, hearing Bi He’s words, Yan Xuerui’s fair face turned various shades of red, a mix of embarrassment and anger.

Nothing had happened between them last night. In her heart, she would have preferred if they had.

He had always been domineering, never allowing her to hide. In the past, she had always closed her eyes and endured, her body being forced, which often reminded her of past humiliations. She appeared obedient but felt resentful inside.

Water had been requested last night because... she had been aroused.

So many years had passed, and now, middle-aged, she suddenly realized she was a normal woman.

It wasn’t just men who had those needs—she did too.

Yet as a woman, she felt too shy to admit such desires, as if doing so would brand her as promiscuous. Moreover, her beginning with Gu Yan had been so unpleasant that she refused to dwell on it. Clinging to the notion that "ignorance is bliss," she had lived in conflicted denial for all these years.

Now that he was no longer touching her, his distance finally made her realize.

But it didn't matter. Yan Xuerui thought to herself, even the sages of the scholarly tradition had said that food and sex are part of human nature. She was merely an ordinary woman in this world, not a saint.

She ought to allow herself some happiness.

In this life of hers, she was never her parents' favorite in her childhood; as a young woman, she was forced to marry into the Marquis' household. Now, even her children were about to marry—why should she continue to dwell on the past and torment herself?

Yan Xuerui lowered her eyelashes, touched the begonia flower adorned with morning dew at her temple, and said, "This flower has a lovely color. When we return to the estate, transplant a few of them. Be careful not to damage the roots."

Although at her age, such fresh, delicate colors were no longer quite suitable—most women of her generation wore jade pendants, emerald hairpins, gold hairpins, and silver rings to show their status. Only young women wore fresh flowers—it was a youthful elegance.

But she had truly been favored by heaven; the passage of decades had left no trace at the corners of her eyes or brows. Yan Xuerui naturally had no intention of dressing in an aged or staid manner.

Beauty is fleeting—while she could still hold onto it, let her stay pretty for a few more years.

...

Yan Xuerui's meeting with Su Huaimo was quite pleasant.

Aside from the initial moment when Su Huaimo, surprised by how young the secluded Marquise appeared, almost thought he had come to the wrong place and nearly caused an awkward scene, everything else proceeded smoothly.

From Yan Xuerui's perspective, she was a mother-in-law sizing up a potential son-in-law. Though she knew in her heart that character was the most important measure of a person, when meeting a stranger, the most immediate impression came from appearance.

Hmm—thick, sword-like eyebrows, bright eyes, a tall and sturdy build, dignified posture, and an exceptional presence.

He was worthy of her Ming Wei.

As for "talent," Gu Yan himself had called him the "zhuangyuan" and the top graduate of Egret Mountain Academy—she could find no fault there.

Yan Xuerui inquired in detail about his family background and parents. Though the Su family was not from the capital, they were a respected scholarly family with high local prestige—both upright and noble. Both his parents were still alive, and he had an older and a younger brother. His family background was uncomplicated.

Yan Xuerui grew even more satisfied. She then asked, "The disputes at court are unpredictable and treacherous. Our two families hold opposing positions in the court. I’ve heard that your esteemed teacher is Minister Li of the Ministry of Revenue."

"His Lordship and Minister Li have a long-standing bitter feud. If I were to ask you to betray your teacher and defect to our side, what would you do?"

"Rest assured, if you become the esteemed son-in-law of the marquis' household, you need not worry about your future. His Lordship and I have only this one precious daughter. You tell me whether a son-in-law or a student is more important."

After a long while, Su Huaimo suddenly stood up and bowed solemnly before Yan Xuerui.

"Madam, I... was once foolish and hurt Ming Wei's heart."

Yan Xuerui watched him calmly as he continued, "If you agree to betroth Ming Wei to me, I will cherish, love, and protect her, never letting her suffer any grievance."

"But my teacher has shown me great kindness. To betray his grace and the righteousness of my scholarly lineage for the sake of personal marital gain would be an act of treachery and betrayal—I cannot do it."

"Oh?"

Yan Xuerui remained expressionless and said lightly, "If that is the case, why did you come before me today? Go and be your paragon of loyalty and virtue then."

Su Huaimo said through gritted teeth, his tone strained. "Aside from this, any other demand the marquis' household makes, so long as it does not violate morality and righteousness, I will do everything in my power to fulfill it."

He too knew that their family backgrounds were opposed and that there were many obstacles. But Ming Wei, a woman, had such courage. He had already made her suffer too much grievance—he ought to have his own resolve.

Whether it was called ingratitude or climbing the ranks by currying favor, for this marriage, he was willing to endure the scorn of thousands. A gentleman acts with integrity. Must every official belong to the Virtuous Prince or Crown Prince’s factions? Are there none left who serve the Emperor and people faithfully?

If he could not avoid the whirlpool of the capital, he could still take Ming Wei to a post in the provinces. There, away from the factions of the Upright and the great families, they could find peace and freedom.

...

Su Huaimo was, after all, still young and hoped for a path that satisfied both sides. Even Yan Xuerui, who had been at Gu Yan's side for many years, understood that once caught in the game, there was no middle ground—only black or white. Those who tried to remain on the sidelines would ultimately end up alienating both.

Still, after this brief test of his character, she was somewhat satisfied.

The two did not have much time to speak further. Senior Tutor Gu was possessive—he wouldn't even allow her to meet many women, let alone outside men. After about a quarter of an hour, Su Huaimo was ushered out by the maids waiting outside.

By the afternoon, Gu Yan finally found time to accompany his wife for a stroll. Hand in hand, they wandered through the quiet mountain valley. Noticing Yan Xuerui's absentmindedness, Gu Yan squeezed her hand and asked, "What's wrong?"

Yan Xuerui looked up and said earnestly, "Your Lordship, I find this Young Master Su to be dignified in appearance and excellent in character."

"He would make a worthy son-in-law."