Chapter 90 My Heart Hurts

Chapter 90 My Heart Aches

Yan Xuerui remained silent, but Gu Yan, a seasoned martial artist and her intimate companion, knew from her slightly quickened breathing that she was not asleep.

He rose from the bed, extinguished the bright candles in the hall, leaving only a faint glow, as she feared the dark. Yan Xuerui turned over, the rustle of her clothes barely audible in the dimness.

"Not sleepy?"

Gu Yan’s arm found her waist, his palm gently caressing her slender back.

"I’ve granted your every wish. What more do you want from me, Rui Er? Just tell me."

As long as she spoke, save for things beyond human power, was there anything he hadn't accomplished for her? Why then did she look so burdened with worry?

Yan Xuerui bit her lip, shaking her head almost imperceptibly.

What good would it do, even if she spoke?

She had no way to avenge her cousin. To pick a fight? To him, it would be trivial, but she knew Gu Yan’s temperament. Provoking him further might bring harm to her cousin’s relatives far away in Yangzhou.

That adopted daughter was utterly devoted. She remembered on New Year’s Eve, the girl’s words were slurred, her tongue seemingly broken, as if she couldn't speak.

Things had come to this. The best outcome was to feign ignorance. The dead were gone; the living must carry on.

After a few calming breaths, Yan Xuerui softly said, "Gu Yan, my heart aches."

These words instantly changed Gu Yan’s expression. Holding her soft, warm form, he had been somewhat distracted, but now he was about to throw on his clothes and summon the imperial physician. Yan Xuerui gently reached out, her hand resting on his tensed arm.

"No need. It’s not a physical ailment; it’s my heart that hurts."

She opened her eyes, gazing into the dark canopy above the bed, and quietly said, "Buddhism teaches, 'Karma never lies.' Those who create bad karma in this life will surely face divine retribution in the next. Good and evil will always find their due."

"We—"

"Rui Er, you worry too much."

Gu Yan cut her off. She had said similar things when the old emperor abdicated, and he disliked hearing it.

Compared to such illusory dreams, Gu Yan valued the tangible present. In his eyes, gods and Buddhas were like Confucian teachings—mere tools used by those in power to control the populace. Unable to dislodge her deeply ingrained beliefs, he said in a low voice, "Even if there are ten cycles of reincarnation, one must bear the consequences of their own actions. What are you afraid of?"

What if retribution truly existed? His Rui Er was pure and untainted. All the sin had nothing to do with her.

Yan Xuerui fell silent for a moment. She sighed softly, then turned over, looking up at him. In the dim light, Gu Yan’s brow was prominent, his gaze dark and grim, more terrifying than any demon.

He carried a heavy aura of menace and often wore a cold expression; even the young prince was reluctant to be held by him. Yan Xuerui thought that even if he were to descend into the eighteen layers of hell, he would likely be a fearsome presence that even the hell guards dared not provoke.

She said, "You once told me there’s no such thing as a free lunch. Since I’ve accepted your kindness, how can I expect to escape unscathed?"

Just like Ping Yang, her half-sister. She never intended to harm her, yet Ping Yang suffered greatly because of her, and she had indeed benefited from it. She knew her own body well. In the past, she had been plagued by cold ailments, feeling as if ice shards were lodged in her bones in winter, not to mention the monthly pains that felt like countless needles pricking her, often bringing her to the brink of collapse.

The previous winter had been the most comfortable she had ever experienced—free from illness, in good spirits, and even unconsciously eating more at mealtimes.

Anyone in this world could condemn Gu Yan, but she, she could not.

Yan Xuerui spoke cryptically, but Gu Yan immediately understood her meaning. Frowning, he said, "All this overthinking today… is it because of Ping Yang?"

Yan Xuerui did not respond. Gu Yan took her silence as agreement. Stroking her back, he slowly comforted her, "It was just taking a bit of heart’s blood. It won’t kill her. With proper care, she can recover."

Though he said this, if it were truly as effortless as he made it sound, why hadn’t he used the blood of his own kin as the medicinal catalyst back then? He, too, feared that if anything went wrong, she would never forgive him.

He had tested it himself. Even a strong, martial-trained man risked death—how much more so a woman like Ping Yang? That she had survived until now was solely due to her formerly unrestrained, horse-riding lifestyle, which had left her healthier than the average woman.

Gu Yan was cold and ruthless, incapable of remorse. Since ancient times, each new reign brought new officials. With the new emperor ascending the throne, the Crown Prince and the Virtuous Prince had met their ends, while other unfavored princes were granted fiefdoms, effectively exiled from the capital. The princesses kept their heads down and behaved cautiously. Compared to her siblings, as long as Ping Yang survived her ordeal, he would allow her to remain in the capital and continue her luxurious, noble life.

If anything were to happen to Rui Er in the future, it would be good to have a "backup" on hand.

Gu Yan concealed his dark intentions, choosing only comforting words to share with her. Yan Xuerui felt slightly reassured. She grasped his broad palm and pressed it against her chest.

"I’m afraid," she said. "My heart has been aching these past few days. I wonder if it’s the wheel of karma turning, retribution being exacted, and heaven punishing me."

Her chest was full and soft, her pulse steady and calm. After checking repeatedly, Gu Yan determined she was physically fine.

He did not doubt for a moment that Yan Xuerui was lying to him.

Gently massaging her chest, he said in a low voice, "The imperial physicians are all useless. Don’t be afraid. I will find more renowned doctors to enter the palace—"

"Perhaps we could invite the eminent monks from Fahua Temple to the palace to pray and dispel impurities."

Yan Xuerui interrupted him. The eminent monks of Fahua Temple were compassionate and particularly skilled in performing rites for the deceased. She only hoped her cousin would be reborn into a life of wealth and peace.

And never meet her again.

Gu Yan did not believe in "divine impurities" or "defilement." Troubles were always caused by people, and he suspected conspiracies and schemes. But here she was, soft in his arms, whispering her fears.

She was afraid of these intangible things—what was he to do?

He sighed softly. "Alright, go to sleep now."

"When you wake tomorrow morning, you can have anything you want."

...

Gu Yan was inherently suspicious. He gathered many renowned figures from the common folk and even had Mr. Gao take her pulse while Yan Xuerui was asleep. Everyone unanimously agreed that Her Highness Chang Le was perfectly fine, aside from being slightly frail.

For a moment, Gu Yan even wondered if she was feigning illness. The timing of her heartaches was too convenient. Whenever he contemplated killing someone, she would clutch her chest, furrow her brows, and complain of pain here and there, more delicate than the Lin sister in the stories.

One thing conquers another. After several such instances, even the decisive Gu Yan was worn down. Though he had never believed in gods or buddhas, he even suspected someone had cast a dark curse on Rui Er and ordered an extensive search of the palace. Of course, no curses were found, but many deep-seated palace secrets were uncovered. By Gu Yan’s usual temperament—he would have simply killed everyone involved.

He dared to kill even royalty and nobility, let alone the lives of those beneath him.

Yan Xuerui disagreed. Her dark, beautiful eyes glared at him as she said, "How can the Marquis make decisions on palace affairs over me?"

Gu Yan did not want to damage their relationship over such trivial matters and refrained from intervening. He had thought his Rui Er was soft-hearted and kind. If her methods were too gentle and she couldn’t control the palace staff, he would have to step in. To his surprise, Yan Xuerui handled the situation adeptly, recording all the uncovered secrets and categorizing them by severity.

For lighter offenses—such as the laundry office matron mistreating palace maids, punishing them with kneeling in the cold or starvation, or the kitchen eunuchs embezzling under the guise of procurement—punishments were meted out according to the crime, ranging from caning to expulsion from the palace, sparing their lives in the end.

For more severe cases—such as driving palace staff to their deaths or involvement in the struggles of the former emperor’s harem, resulting in the deaths of concubines—those who had taken lives paid with their own blood, serving as a warning to others.

From exposure to resolution, the entire process took less than three months. Her Highness Chang Le shared Gu Yan’s swift and decisive style but was more compassionate, balancing kindness with authority, fair and strict, earning the respect of the entire palace.

When Gu Yan received this news, he was holding Yan Xuerui’s hand, adding color to the fresh, tender green lotus leaves on the painting. It was early summer, and the young lotuses had just revealed their sharp tips while the green leaves had already spread out fully. A bird with gold-tipped wings skimmed the water’s surface, stirring ripples.

"After three days apart, one should view others with new eyes."

Gu Yan finished the stroke with a hook and looked at Yan Xuerui teasingly. "Well? Does your heart not ache this time?"

An ordinary person learns from experience, but Gu Yan had been fooled countless times. Even though he knew full well that she was most likely pretending, he still dared not slack off—partly out of concern for her health, and partly because, like the fisherman who waits for the fish to bite, he was willing to play along.

Yan Xuerui remained unflinching, her fingertips delicately picking up fine gold powder to color the feathers of her little golden canary. After enduring the harsh winter of the previous year, it could no longer bear the harsh weather outside and had made a home under the palace eaves. Bi He took excellent care of it, leaving its feathers glossy and sleek.

She said, "Handling matters according to palace rules, there are clear protocols to follow… Don’t bother me."

Yan Xuerui swatted his roving hand away. Since the arrival of spring, her health had gradually improved. The initial difficulties of managing state affairs had passed—with Gu Yuan guarding the borders and Gu Yan in the capital, aside from minor disturbances from local bandits, the realm remained stable. She had also slowly gotten the hang of it, no longer struggling as much as she did at the beginning.

Zhilu was now over a year old, and the new emperor had already learned to say 'Mama'. He had a strong temper, and Gu Yan, with his perpetually cold expression, would often pull him away from his mother’s soft embrace. No matter how Yan Xuerui or the wet nurse tried to coax him, he would press his lips together stubbornly, refusing to call him father.

Gu Yan couldn’t be bothered arguing with a little brat. Under his forceful intervention, the new emperor was finally weaned off breast milk and began eating goat’s milk and soft porridge. Freed from nursing, Yan Xuerui had more leisure time. A gentle breeze brushed by, giving them a moment of leisure. Poetry, songs, and painting—Yan Xuerui, having attended school as a young lady, and Gu Yan, coming from a noble family, now indulged in such refined pursuits at their age, making even Gu Mingwei flush with secondhand embarrassment.

It had always been this way, but now it was even more pronounced. Gu Mingwei felt that, though they shared the same room, her father and mother seemed to exist in their own world. When her father casually handed her mother a peeled orange segment and her mother naturally accepted it, such a simple gesture carried a unique atmosphere between them, making her, their daughter, feel out of place.

But she liked this change.

Before, she had thought her parents were affectionate, but compared to now, that "affection" seemed superficial and distant. She had been terrified when her father and mother separated, but looking back, it might have been a good thing.

When her mother was in the marquis’s residence, she often frowned and seemed depressed, even her smiles tinged with a faint sorrow. Now, her mother’s complexion was rosy, like peach blossoms freshly bloomed on a branch, every part of her radiating vibrant vitality.

Since her mother was so happy and her parents’ relationship was good, even though their marital registration hadn’t been restored with the Ministry of Revenue, and they slept together in the same bed every day, did that mean they had reconciled?

Now that her younger brother was the new emperor, a mere document probably meant her parents weren’t bound by worldly conventions. Having figured this out, Gu Mingwei no longer worried about her parents. Balancing her studies, she happily embroidered her wedding dress.

...

Gu Yan was far from as "indifferent to fame and fortune" as Gu Mingwei imagined. He stubbornly wanted to create an official bond with Yan Xuerui. She had clearly developed feelings for him, and a few months earlier, she had shown signs of softening. But when he brought it up again later, she began avoiding the topic. Like a flower in water or the moon in fog, she remained unfathomable.