Chapter 47 Better a Short Pain Than a Long One

Chapter 47: A Short Pain Is Better Than a Long One

The old emperor fixed his fierce, tiger-like gaze on her. Yan Xuerui, a minister’s wife, was repeatedly questioned, her snow-white cheeks flushing a faint red, her voice barely a whisper.

"Your Majesty, please forgive me."

The emperor regained a measure of composure. Though he hadn't summoned any imperial consorts for years, he pondered briefly and spoke with certainty.

"It's Gu Yan."

The last time Gu Yan attended court with obvious scratch marks, the emperor had merely assumed the couple was affectionate and gently admonished him without much thought.

But this time, the dense clusters of bruises on her arm… If they were a newlywed couple, the emperor might have teased them for their lack of restraint, but they had been married for nearly twenty years.

At this age, even if couples appeared respectful and harmonious on the surface, most slept in separate beds at night. He knew Gu Yan had no concubines or bedmates, so as his wife, Yan Xuerui had to shoulder more burdens. As a man himself, the emperor couldn’t fault Gu Yan for that.

Yet, judging by the marks, even in his most reckless youth, he had never been so unrestrained.

The emperor frowned deeply and asked, "Did Gu Yan hit you?"

"N-no, he didn’t."

To discuss such private matters in public made Yan Xuerui feel shy, but she answered truthfully, "The Marquis has not struck me."

"Lift your head and speak. There’s no need to be reserved in front of me."

Because of Consort Chen, the emperor did not wish to see Yan Xuerui displaying a meek or timid demeanor. In his heart, she should be a stubborn, resilient, and vibrant woman.

The emperor pondered for a moment and asked that question again.

"Tell me truthfully, does Gu Yan treat you well?"

The emperor’s stern face softened. Yan Xuerui suddenly felt a sting in her nose, and that peculiar emotion welled up in her heart again.

The emperor treated her… a bit too well.

Her mother advised her to yield more to Gu Yan so she could live a comfortable life.

But the emperor always told her to lift her head. That sense of steadfast, mountain-like support was something she had never experienced before.

"Someone, bring tea for the lady," the emperor said slowly. "Don’t be afraid. Speak slowly, no rush."

The Marquise was sickly and reclusive. Gu Yan protected her so thoroughly that even the emperor had only heard that the marquis’s household was well-kept and proper, and the Old Madame was stern yet kind. He assumed she must be living well.

Last time, she had indeed said so.

Yan Xuerui took a small sip of tea and somewhat nervously pulled her sleeve down to cover the marks.

"The Marquis truly cares deeply for me," she said, as before. She was cautious by nature and had never revealed even a hint of this in front of the Old Madame, Ming Lan, Ming Wei, or even her own mother, let alone the emperor, who was unrelated to her.

The emperor seemed to understand what she was thinking and sighed softly. "You are about the same age as my daughter. The first time I saw you, I felt fondness for you, a paternal, protective affection. You should know that."

"Though I possess the entire realm, I desire nothing else but for you to be safe, smooth-sailing, and free from worry."

The emperor’s words were deeply moving. Even though Yan Xuerui knew she benefited from resembling his deceased favorite consort, she couldn’t help but let her guard down.

She lowered her eyelashes. "The Marquis’s affection for me is as heavy as a thousand jun, but... I lack fortune, and it has instead become a burden."

She wasn’t ungrateful. She remembered his faults but couldn’t erase his kindness to her. Matters in this world weren’t simply black or white, and that was precisely what tormented her.

She only felt more and more weary.

The emperor disapproved. "What foolish talk. Your good fortune lies ahead. How could you be unfortunate?"

"As for you and Gu Yan... if he treats you well, how could it be a burden? Surely, he must not be treating you well."

The emperor saw things in a simple, blunt way. There was no need to delve into what made it a burden; her pained expression was proof enough of Gu Yan’s wrongdoing.

He ventured, "Do you know Pingyang?"

"She and her princess consort were also at odds. I thought, 'Better to demolish ten temples than ruin one marriage,' so I tried to mediate multiple times."

"In the end, huh." The emperor shook his head. "It ended in a mess. The princess consort grew resentful, and Pingyang became increasingly drawn. After they parted ways, Pingyang finally began to smile again. Who would have thought she’d suffer such misfortune? Ah, forget it, let’s not talk about her."

He looked at Yan Xuerui. "What about you? What do you think? Today, let’s set aside the roles of ruler and subject. Treat me as an ordinary old man and just chat."

The emperor’s question left Yan Xuerui speechless.

What did she think?

Did her thoughts even matter? Half her life had been controlled by Gu Yan; she only needed to obey him. Back then, she had no choice. Now, in middle age, if she could endure a few more decades, everything would turn to dust.

Yan Xuerui said, "I only wish for my children’s well-being. I desire nothing else."

"That’s not right," the emperor disagreed. "Children and grandchildren have their own fortunes. You are still young; you should consider your own happiness."

How should she consider? Should she also follow Princess Pingyang’s example and seek a divorce?

The moment this thought emerged, Yan Xuerui’s heart trembled violently, and her breathing quickened.

That man was too overbearing. She had never dared to entertain such an unthinkable thought.

If they could separate—

Yan Xuerui immediately clenched her fingertips and whispered, "Princess Pingyang is of royal blood. How dare I compare myself to her?"

Princess Pingyang enjoyed her own estate and title, bestowed by imperial decree. She kept musicians and actors in her residence, drinking and enjoying herself all day. She had her own confidence.

Yan Xuerui had no confidence, only obligations.

The emperor frowned deeply. "Don’t undervalue yourself. I feel a connection with you. If you wish—"

He suddenly remembered something, a flash of bitterness in his eyes, and only said, "If you wish it, I will always make sure you get what you want."

The emperor’s tone was aged yet forceful. Yan Xuerui’s heart skipped a beat. She pretended not to grasp the implied meaning in his words and said, "If Your Majesty takes good care of your health, then I will be content."

The emperor treated her too well, unexplainably so. Yan Xuerui never believed in free lunches. Was it just because of this face?

Before, she had only humored the emperor out of duty, but now she was genuinely curious about that legendary favorite consort.

"What was Consort Chen... like?"

"..."

Whenever Consort Chen was mentioned, the emperor always had an endless stream of things to say. The previous topic was gently brushed aside. Yan Xuerui accompanied the emperor for lunch until the high sun gradually sank westward, and the emperor began to show signs of fatigue.

It was time for his afternoon nap. As he aged, he was no longer as vigorous as in his youth.

Yan Xuerui seized the moment to take her leave. The emperor did not insist on her staying. As she was about to leave, he said, "I won’t comment on the private matters between you and your husband."

"But if you are unhappy, come to the palace and seek me out. My word is my bond. Whatever I’ve said, I stand by it."

Yan Xuerui bowed deeply to the emperor. Her expression remained calm and composed, but her hands unconsciously fidgeted with her sleeves, betraying the restlessness and conflict in her heart. The bright afternoon sun shone directly on her. After calming her emotions, she walked to a shaded area and once again encountered the young Taoist nun in her robes.

Yao Er said reluctantly, "Madam, my adoptive father requests your presence."

***

The Taoist temple in the palace was not far from the Qianyuan Palace. This time, without any delays on the way, in less time than it takes for an incense stick to burn, Yan Xuerui stood once again before the Taiji Yin-Yang symbol.

The area was shaded by trees. Suddenly moving from the scorching sun to the cool shade, Yan Xuerui couldn’t help but shiver.

"Cousin, it’s been a while."

Fang Zhixu slowly approached in his wheelchair. Seeing Yan Xuerui shiver, he instructed, "Attendant."

A young servant in blue approached respectfully, presenting a pure white cloud-patterned brocade cloak adorned with lotus designs. The collar was adorned with delicate, round pearls, clearly a garment meant for a woman.

"This place has strong yin energy. Cousin, you’ve always had a tendency to feel cold since childhood. This should help keep you warm."

Fang Zhixu’s voice was gentle and soothing, as if he were still the kind and principled young man from the past. Meeting for the second time, Yan Xuerui was now able to face her former fiancé with a calm heart.

She shook her head gently. "I’m not cold."

In truth, she was a little cold, but the room was filled with the heavy scent of sandalwood incense. If she wore this cloak, she'd carry the scent home when she returned. Gu Yan was cautious and meticulous, and she didn’t want to raise suspicion.

Fang Zhixu noticed her tactful refusal. "Don’t you like it?"

He glanced at the carefully prepared cloak and said, "You used to love white the most, saying it was pure and flawless, like moonbeams crystallized in dew. Has your preference changed now?"

Yan Xuerui looked at his handsome face, half-hidden behind a mask, and lowered her long lashes.

"People change."

She said softly, "At my present age, wearing white is no longer suitable."

Though she was older, her appearance remained youthful and beautiful. She had no intention of dressing older than her years. Her clothing fabrics were mostly in shades of lake blue, soft green, pale yellow, and rosy pink. As the saying goes, a woman looks fetching in mourning white, but she rarely wore snow-white, pure and flawless clothing.

It wasn’t that she didn’t like it—it was that Gu Yan disliked it.

"Dressed in mourning white—are you so eager for me to die?"

"Change it."

At that time, the two of them were in a period of tension. Gu Yan had a strong controlling nature. The fabrics and styles of her clothes were all to his liking. Over time, Yan Xuerui grew accustomed to these choices and even found them beautiful.

...

Unaware of the context, Fang Zhixu’s expression darkened when he heard her words. He looked directly at Yan Xuerui and said, "I haven’t changed."

For twenty years, despite the changes in the world, he had remained steadfast in his promise to rescue his beloved cousin.

They were supposed to be husband and wife.

His gaze was too fervent. Yan Xuerui turned her face away, staring at the Taiji symbol in front of her, avoiding his eyes.

"Cousin."

She took a deep breath and said, "I’ve asked someone to find a physician who specializes in broken bones and burns. Cost is no concern—as long as he can cure you."

"The imperial court is full of treacherous intrigues. A single misstep could cost you your life. Cousin Zhixu, you... you should leave the palace."

Stop being the Virtuous Prince’s pawn, stay away from the court’s conflicts, and live as a man of leisure with means.

Fang Zhixu’s slender fingers suddenly tightened on the wheelchair handles. Even so, having played the role of "Immortal Elder" for so long, the half of his face that was visible remained as impassive as still water.

He said slowly, "The man should be the rock, the woman the reed. When we were young, you didn’t understand this poem and followed me around, begging me to explain it to you."

"Decades have passed in the blink of an eye, dear cousin, my dear Rui."

He sighed softly and murmured, "The rock remains unyielding, but has the reed long since become pliant and twined around another’s branch in the wind?"

There was no accusation in his tone, as if he were simply asking for an answer. Reuniting with a childhood friend, there were no tears or overwhelming emotions. The calmer he was, the more it pained Yan Xuerui’s heart.

Better to end the suffering quickly. Gritting her teeth, she said, "Yes."

Their first meeting had been too shocking, making it difficult to speak the unspeakable. Now, she said everything she needed to say.

"Cousin Zhixu, I’ve wronged you."

"I am now a wife and a mother. Our childhood promises should be treated as a joke. Let it go."

"Cousin, I only wish for your happiness."

***

After meeting Fang Zhixu, Yan Xuerui returned home in low spirits. Dusk had fallen, and it was already time for dinner.

Taking advantage of Gu Yan’s absence, Yan Xuerui quickly asked for hot water to bathe. She had spent some time in the Taoist temple today and had picked up a faint scent of sandalwood. She didn’t want to give him any reason to suspect.

Shedding her radiant, brocade gown with cloud patterns, Yan Xuerui sat upright before the bronze mirror. Two maids on either side removed her hairpins and accessories. Her jet-black, glossy hair fell in waves down her back. One of the maids used too much force, tugging painfully at her roots.

"Ouch—"

Yan Xuerui flinched and frowned. The maids hurriedly knelt to beg forgiveness. Irritated, Yan Xuerui waved her hand and ordered, "Call Bi He."

Bi He was the one who knew her preferences best.

Today was Bi He’s day on duty. Yan Xuerui didn’t think much of it, but the two young maids exchanged worried looks and kowtowed again.

"What’s going on? Get up and speak."

Yan Xuerui gradually sensed that something was wrong. The two maids remained silent, their bodies trembling uncontrollably. A sense of foreboding rose in Yan Xuerui’s heart. She raised her voice and called out:

"Bi He, Bi He—"

This maid was usually the most disciplined, but there was no response now. Dressed in a thin nightgown and wooden sandals, Yan Xuerui opened the door to look for Bi He and ran directly into Gu Yan, who had just returned from his study.

"Gu Yan, where is Bi He? What have you done to her?"

Gu Yan frowned slightly, taking off his outer robe and draping it over her. "Why all this panic? This is no way to behave."