Chapter 88 Those Years, I Went Too Far…

Chapter 88: All the Things I Did Back Then, I Went Too Far...

The old matters from many years ago had once utterly perplexed Yan Xuerui. Being an overthinker, she believed Xue Fang had acted deliberately, yet her mother dismissed it as a misunderstanding. She had pondered many sinister plots: had Xue Fang intentionally ruined her reputation, with her mother indulging and favoring her, deceiving her together? She had even wondered if it was all Gu Yan's scheme, that he intended to abduct a commoner girl, setting such a trap for their Yan family.

So it really was just that... simple?

As if a heavy stone that had weighed on her heart for years quietly dissipated, Yan Xuerui couldn't help but recall those most humiliating days. She had resented Gu Yan, resented Xue Fang, resented her father and mother. After such a long time, she no longer even hated Xue Fang.

Hate is too painful, like a maggot clinging to the bone, gnawing at the heart day and night. One shouldn't always live in the past.

Let go of the past, and let go of oneself.

Gu Yan was taken aback by a junior bringing up his past misdeeds. He sat up straight, enveloping her slender, pale fingers in his palm.

"Rui'er, all those things back then, I went too far."

Words he couldn't utter in his youthful arrogance, a head he couldn't bow—now, after many ups and downs, Gu Yan's temperament had long been polished smooth, unflappable.

He said, "I'm sorry."

Gu Yan's apology was sincere, yet if given another chance, he would still act the same way. Only his methods would be more mature and sophisticated than before.

He never regretted using dishonorable means to obtain her, only regretting that his younger self's methods were clumsy. When leading troops in battle, he knew that the key was to win hearts, but with her, he only knew how to resort to brute force and plunder, losing control several times.

Gu Yan had been domineering and forceful all his life. Hearing his belated apology now, Yan Xuerui felt a mix of emotions. After a moment, she lowered her thick eyelashes and said, "Let's go quickly; don't keep Mother waiting."

The new emperor was young, and the stability of the capital relied not only on Gu Yan's presence but also on Gu Yuan's command of heavy troops in the northwest for deterrence. Gu Yuan couldn't return for now, so Yan Xuerui stayed in the palace while Gu Yan shuttled between the court and the Marquis of Jingyuan's residence, often residing in the palace. The Marquis's residence only housed the Old Madam and the third branch's children, quiet and sparse. Today, the two specifically went to visit the Old Madam.

Hearing her refer to his mother as 'Mother,' a flicker of amusement passed through Gu Yan's eyes, but he said nothing, simply cupping her hand in his to warm it.

After several doses of medicine, her chronic coldness had improved considerably, but she remained inherently delicate. The old man surnamed Gao said she must be cared for with the utmost luxury and respect in the future, never allowed to get cold or chilled.

Unfortunately, for certain reasons, he couldn't allow Mr. Gao to appear before her in the future. After a few more years, when her health was fully recovered, he would send Mr. Gao away, completely eliminating this hidden concern.

Zhilu was still young, and she worried about the child, so she would never leave the capital in her lifetime. He would tie up loose ends cleanly; besides an adopted daughter whose whereabouts were unknown and truly unfindable, this matter was known only to heaven and earth—she would never know.

He absolutely would not tolerate anyone secretly coveting his wife.

...

The carriage wheels rolled forward, soon arriving at the vermilion main gate of the Marquis of Jingyuan's residence. The two walked side by side, and the Old Madam, seeing them from afar, couldn't hide her joy beneath her stern expression.

Yan Xuerui didn't rely on her status, still paying her respects as a junior to the Old Madam. The Old Madam quickly supported her arms, chanting, "Good, good, good."

"It's good that you're back. No need for so many formalities."

Yan Xuerui smiled faintly, seizing the chance to support the Old Madam into Chunhui Hall with Gu Yan on either side. The Old Madam was particular, and Chunhui Hall was always clean and tidy, but today it seemed somewhat messy. In the center, the carved pearwood long table and the small side table were scattered with many gold-sprinkled Xuan paper. A quick glance showed writing: "a pair of mutton-fat jade bracelets," "one fine street cloth shop," "two pairs of blue-and-white intertwined branch pattern porcelain vases," and such.

This was a dowry list. Ming Wei's wedding was imminent; the Su family had already sent the initial betrothal gifts. However, marriage between two families was a significant matter, and the earliest she would actually enter the household as a bride would be next year. By then, Ming Lan would bring his wife and children back to the capital to carry his sister on his back into the wedding sedan.

Yan Xuerui glanced casually and said with a laugh, "Mother, Ming Wei has me and Gu Yan to worry about her. Her dowry is plentiful enough; how can we let you spend more?"

"It's not just for Ming Wei, dear. The girls from the Third Branch are also due to be married. While we're at it, we might as well prepare for them all together."

The Old Madam leaned on her carved cane, her eyes sharp and spirited, looking very vigorous.

She looked at the two and said earnestly, "Don't blame this old woman for speaking out of turn. The girls from the Third Branch are kept indoors daily learning household management. They're even younger than Ming Wei. I know Ming Wei has a lively nature, but she's almost married. She should at least settle down for a few months and embroider her wedding gown first."

The wedding gown is immensely significant for a woman. Regardless of wealth or poverty, those without means make it themselves personally. Even wealthy families who hire embroiderers still have the bride stitch the most crucial parts herself needle by needle, for the sake of a good omen.

Yan Xuerui was about to say that the palace had hired several dozen skilled hands from Jiangnan, and with the original Shangyi Bureau staff working day and night, it was already mostly done. She had glimpsed it from afar—the bright red wedding gown was dazzling and magnificent, shimmering with fine gold light, breathtakingly beautiful.

Even the worldly Yan Xuerui couldn't help but sigh; her Ming Wei would surely be the world's most beautiful bride wearing it.

Before Yan Xuerui could speak, Gu Yan replied first, "Ming Wei still has half a year of studies left unfinished. After she finishes, I will personally oversee and instruct her."

"Mother need not worry."

The Egret Mountain Academy's coursework was three years. Gu Mingwei had taken several months off midway, so she still had over half a year left. She loved Egret Mountain; even though Su Huaimo had already completed his studies and become an official, it didn't dampen her enthusiasm for studying.

Gu Yan, thinking of her as a third wheel always disrupting her parents' time together, planned to send her back to Egret Mountain Academy to peacefully complete her studies before the wedding. As for after marriage... the Su elders were attached to their homeland and had long resided there, while Su Huaimo served as an official in the capital. The capital residence would only house the young couple.

Su Huaimo had to uphold the family honor, so naturally he couldn't spend every day in the inner quarters. Gu Yan didn't want to see Gu Mingwei constantly entering the palace to find her mother. He planned to create a position for her as a female tutor at Egret Mountain Academy, where she could stay and teach in the future.

Anyway, Su Huaimo didn't mind her appearing in public, and his daughter liked it—killing two birds with one stone.

Gu Yan didn't say all that, only mentioning Ming Wei's busy studies. The Old Madam wasn't an ignorant old woman; reading could enlighten the mind, and the Gu family girls all studied. She nodded, offered a few more words of advice, chatted about daily matters, and the family ate together.

When the sun set in the west, and the two sat in the carriage returning to the palace, Yan Xuerui asked puzzledly, "The palace has already mostly embroidered Ming Wei's wedding gown. Why didn't you tell Mother?"

It only caused her mother-in-law unnecessary worry.

Unexpectedly, Gu Yan raised an eyebrow and retorted, "When did the palace embroider a wedding gown for Gu Mingwei? I didn't know about it."

Yan Xuerui was stunned. She said, "What are you talking about? I saw it. The Shangyi Bureau people, and the embroiderers invited from Jiangnan—wasn't it you who..."

Before she finished, her spring-water-like pupils suddenly widened, a bold and absurd idea forming in her heart.

"Wait, it's not..."

"It's for you."

Gu Yan's dark eyes looked at her as he answered in a deep voice, "Her dowry is fully prepared. Was I so idle that I'd prepare my daughter's wedding gown?"

This should also be the concern of the mother or grandmother, not the father. Back then, when Gu Yan ordered embroiderers, kesi silk, gold thread, and gems sent over, Yan Xuerui didn't suspect anything, thinking to herself that Gu Yan, though usually undemonstrative, truly did care for his own daughter Ming Wei.

Yan Xuerui's mind buzzed; she was stunned for a long time, a faint blush spreading over her snow-white face.

"You... you're crazy."

She stammered, "What... what age are we both? You might not find it embarrassing, but I do!"

Compared to her shock, the smile on Gu Yan's lips deepened. Yan Xuerui herself didn't realize that if she disagreed with reconciling with Gu Yan, the first question should be: Why prepare a wedding gown for her?

Now she didn't even ask, only fearing "embarrassment," showing that in her heart, she wasn't as resistant as she appeared on the surface; she had even subtly accepted it already.

His Rui'er, when would she be more honest?

Having experienced the ups and downs of officialdom, Senior Tutor Gu was shrewd and smooth. Of course, he wouldn't say it out loud, stating solemnly instead, "Holding a wedding ceremony and wearing wedding clothes is perfectly natural. What's embarrassing about it?"

The palace was in full swing preparing for Gu Mingwei and Su Huaimo's wedding, which inspired Gu Yan to suddenly realize he had never properly held a wedding ceremony with Yan Xuerui.

When he brought her back to the capital, it was as a concubine—concubines didn't need wedding ceremonies. Even though he later petitioned for her honorary title, elevating her to wife, it was only through court conferment. They set up a few tables in the residence, bowed to the ancestral hall and heaven and earth, and that was it.

A proper marriage with the three letters and six etiquettes, exchanging horoscopes, a grand sedan chair carried by eight people, wedding clothes, sharing the nuptial cup... they had none of that.

He might as well use this opportunity to make up for it all. Life is short, just a hundred years; he didn't want to leave regrets.

Yan Xuerui couldn't understand Gu Yan's absurd idea. Her daughter was getting married next year, her grandchild was about to be born, and he wanted her to wear a wedding gown and hold a ceremony at this age? The very thought was mortifying.

"Don't act on a whim! Gu Yan, I'm telling you, I won’t have it—don’t you dare—"

The carriage jolted violently. Gu Yan's expression shifted instantly as he wrapped an arm around her waist and supported the back of her neck with his other hand, pressing her firmly against his chest.

"What happened?"

His voice was low and tense. From outside came the nervous, apologetic voice of a guard: "My lord, a beggar suddenly darted across the road and startled the horses. We beg forgiveness from Your Highness and my lord."

Yan Xuerui thought it was strange. The capital was under strict patrol, the roads were smooth, and the carriage horses were well-bred palace steeds with gentle temperaments—not easily spooked.

She lifted a corner of the carriage curtain and caught sight of a dusty figure slipping away. The person was slender, wearing a padded jacket with cotton stuffing coming out, with long hair—a woman.

Yan Xuerui suddenly remembered that on New Year’s Eve a month ago, it had also been a female beggar who startled her horse. Could it be a coincidence?

She strained her eyes for a better look, and suddenly, the woman turned her head. Her face was filthy, making it hard to distinguish her features, but those resentful eyes—Yan Xuerui knew them all too well!

But the woman was too fast, surprisingly agile despite a limp, and vanished into the crowd in an instant. Outside, the guard continued, "My lord, should we apprehend that beggar for questioning?"

Gu Yan, ever cautious, didn’t believe in coincidences. Was Empress Xu scheming again? Or loyalists of the Virtuous Prince? Or some other enemy? Gu Yan had too many enemies to ignore this. Just as he was about to give the order, he felt a gentle tug on his sleeve. He looked down and saw Yan Xuerui, her lips bitten tight, her face pale and pitiful.

"What’s wrong? Were you hurt just now?"

Setting everything else aside, Gu Yan frowned deeply, carefully checking her for injuries. Yan Xuerui shook her head lightly. She clutched his sleeve tightly, and after a long moment—just as Gu Yan was about to carry her to find a physician—she caught her breath and whispered, "I’m fine."

"Gu Yan, let’s return to the palace."