Chapter 86 She Has Him in Her Heart

Chapter 86 He's in Her Heart

Yan Xuerui blurted out, "Of course we're husband and wife—"

Mid-sentence, she suddenly stopped. Lowering her head, her eyelashes fluttered. "We have nurtured three children together. Why confine such a profound bond within the bounds of worldly conventions?"

Her words were artful, but Gu Yan was not easily swayed. He pressed on relentlessly, "In your heart, am I merely the father of those little brats, and nothing more?"

Yan Xuerui gently bit her lip and reached out a delicate hand to rest on his shoulder, chiding softly, "Don't call them little brats."

She skillfully dodged the question, changing the subject. "Zhi Nu is too young to understand, but Ming Lan and Ming Wei are grown now. By the way, has there been any news from Ming Lan recently?"

Yan Xuerui had always looked forward to meeting her future daughter-in-law. A Yina was pregnant, and no matter how much she missed her son, she couldn’t possibly call Ming Lan back at such a time. Even after the birth, the infant would be too delicate for long journeys. It would likely be months before she could see her grandchild, probably not until the end of the year.

Ming Lan had been sent to guard the northwest border by Gu Yan from a young age. Yan Xuerui wasn’t overly worried about him, but Western Rong was thousands of miles from the capital, and communication was difficult. She only received letters from Ming Lan once every month or two.

Becoming a father had indeed made him more settled than before. He only reported good news, never troubles, so Yan Xuerui could only ask Gu Yan about it.

Gu Yan snorted coldly, "The letters are all with you. How should I know?"

Ming Lan could exchange a few casual words with his gentle mother through letters, but with his stern father, there was no such warmth. Correspondence between father and son was strictly business, with at most a brief inquiry about his father’s well-being.

Gu Yan had raised Ming Lan as his successor. Only when Ming Lan could stand on his own, even defy his father, did Gu Yan consider him truly grown. Empress Xu had been strict and domineering, raising a weak crown prince who obeyed his mother’s every command. Learning from this precedent, Gu Yan didn't take offense at Ming Lan’s distance; instead, he felt a touch of pride.

Gu Yan had always been willing to give Yan Xuerui an out, but today, seizing the moment, he stepped closer, not allowing her to evade.

He said in a deep voice, "Ming Lan will marry and have children. Ming Wei will also marry. Those troublesome children are growing up day by day. He has responsibilities to bear. Rui Er, our children will find their own way. Their future paths have nothing to do with you."

"The one who will grow old with you is only me."

Gu Yan looked at her intently and asked, "You said you know my feelings for you. Then what about yours for me? Is it truly just about using me?"

His question was sudden and blunt. Yan Xuerui’s heart skipped a beat. Before she could figure out how to respond, Gu Yan lifted her chin, making her look him in the eye.

"Rui Er, I’ve told you to be honest."

Gu Yan’s voice was low and stern. Yan Xuerui was momentarily taken aback. After a long pause, her lips trembled, and she spoke so softly she could barely hear herself.

She said, "I don’t know."

"Don’t push me."

□*□

But now there was none of the earlier tenderness. His palm pressed firmly against her chest, feeling the frantic beating.

Gu Yan, who had been so aggressive, suddenly smiled. He leaned in close to her ear, his voice low. "Rui Er, your heart is in turmoil."

Beneath her wide sleeves, Yan Xuerui’s fingertips were clenched until they were white. Unwilling to show weakness, she stubbornly insisted, "The New Year’s petitions haven’t been reviewed. Naturally, I am worried."

"You said you would give me some time."

Her words carried a double meaning, referring both to Gu Yan teaching her to handle government affairs and responding to his earlier pressing questions. This time, Gu Yan did not continue to press her, nor did he bring up sending the petitions back to the marquis' estate. They walked side by side into Chang Le Palace. The man was tall and commanding, the woman lovely and fair-skinned—from a distance, they looked like a perfect match.

Gu Yan sat directly at the rosewood desk. He remained silent, and so did Yan Xuerui. Just as Yan Xuerui rolled up her sleeves and prepared to pick up the inkstick, Gu Yan frowned slightly and put down the petition in his hand.

"Is the palace missing a chair?"

Yan Xuerui replied patiently, "It’s hard to grind ink sitting down."

"Let me do it."

His cool fingertips pressed down on her hand as he said lightly, "Your grip is too light. The ink you grind is too thin and doesn't settle, merely wasting my time."

Gu Yan was accustomed to giving orders. The sharp lines of his profile were cold and carried an undeniable authority. Yan Xuerui wasn’t afraid of hard work. She had never been involved in court politics, but she had made incense and run a shop. Nothing was easy—how could she give up at the very start?

She said, "I’ll use more force then."

She was only afraid that Gu Yan would find her too foolish and unwilling to teach her.

Gu Yan’s brows furrowed. "Rui Er, I won’t say it again."

Cater to his preferences. He had taught her that yesterday. Yan Xuerui immediately understood his meaning. The inkstick felt as if it had burned her hand, and she quickly set it down.

Gu Yan said nothing more, lowering his head to grind the ink and moisten the brush. Yan Xuerui stood somewhat awkwardly behind him. She continued to ask about what she didn’t understand, and he would still pause to explain, no different from the day before.

A short while later, the palace servants brought a small stool so Yan Xuerui could sit comfortably beside him.

Though it was more comfortable, she felt uneasy receiving something for nothing. After about half an hour, Bi He came to serve tea and pastries. In that moment, Yan Xuerui suddenly had an inspiration. She stood up and took the tray from Bi He’s hands.

"Marquis, have some tea and rest for a while."

Gu Yan lifted his eyelids to glance at her, took the teacup, and drank it in one go. Only after he finished did Yan Xuerui realize that everyone in Chang Le Palace followed her preferences. She liked her tea sweet, which didn’t suit Gu Yan’s taste.

It had always been this way back in the marquis’s residence. She had grown accustomed to such indulgences. Now, as his "student," she felt a pang of discomfort. She stood up and instructed Bi He to brew a pot of strong Da Hong Pao. When the second cup of tea reached his lips, Gu Yan closed his eyes, leaned back in his armchair, and let out a soft laugh.

Nearly twenty years. Even the most stubborn woman fears a persistent suitor. It had not been in vain—he had pursued her both physically and emotionally. He had finally waited for this day.

She had him in her heart.

He took her hand and suddenly said, "I’ve observed that Su Huaimo is upright in character and comes from a respectable family. He would be a suitable match for Ming Wei."

"Ah?"

Yan Xuerui didn’t understand why he suddenly brought this up. Ming Wei liked Young Master Su, but Gu Yan had previously disagreed, saying, "The emperor’s sister need not worry about marriage," and that they should wait a couple more years to see.

Why had he changed his mind?

Gu Yan only smiled without answering. At first, he had bound her with golden chains, then with high walls and deep courtyards, and later with their children. Now, none of that was needed.

The daughter who had once been a means of reconciliation had now become a burden disturbing the couple’s affection. He couldn’t wait to marry Ming off as soon as possible. She had him in her heart, but that wasn’t enough.

Her heart was too big. She would give some to their children, perhaps even some to their grandchildren, and what remained for him would be less.

It wasn’t fair. He thought to himself that he, Gu Yan, was not a good man, but he had always been worthy of her. There were no free pies falling from the sky. Since she had received his kindness, she naturally had to offer "repayment" in return.

He wanted all of her, everything she had.

Gu Yan sighed. "A grown daughter cannot be kept at home forever—keeping her will only breed resentment. Ming Wei has reached the right age, and she likes Su Huaimo. Let’s just let this young couple be together. What, aren’t you happy?"

Yan Xuerui had long considered Su Huaimo an ideal "son-in-law." She only cared about two things when choosing a husband for her daughter: first, that Ming Wei liked him and they shared mutual affection, and second, that he was upright in character, so even if their feelings faded in the future, Ming Wei would not be wronged.

Yan Xuerui smiled, her eyes curving gently, her voice soft. "Good. When should we meet with the Su family elders to set a date?"

She then remembered her previous concerns, and her voice suddenly fell. "Gu Yan, will we... will we hold Ming Wei back?"

Gu Yan immediately understood what she meant. He had once pressed her for "status," but now he was as steady as Mount Tai. He looked at Yan Xuerui with amusement, utterly unable to comprehend her worries.

He said, "Rui Er, Ming Wei is our daughter."

The daughter of the reigning Grand Princess and the emperor's own sister—who wouldn't treat her like royalty once she's married into their family? Who would dare treat her poorly? It’s not like Gu Yan is dead.

Yan Xuerui, with her delicate and thoughtful nature, tended to overthink, and Gu Yan, well aware of her temperament, gently patted the back of her hand. "Don't be afraid, leave it to me."

Yan Xuerui felt a mix of emotions. He no longer brought it up, yet she began to wonder if she and Gu Yan should have a proper, legitimate status.

Ming Lan's child was about to be born, and at her age, why bother with all this drama?

...

Their interaction today was more harmonious than the day before. As usual, Yan Xuerui asked questions, and Gu Yan patiently explained. She no longer stood grinding ink for him; gradually, she understood how to please him. After a while, she would massage his shoulders, take breaks when tired, and the two would sit facing each other, enjoying tea and fruits while chatting about their children. The days passed quickly.

After about ten days, all the New Year memorials had been reviewed. Yan Xuerui gained much from the experience, and her interactions with Gu Yan grew increasingly relaxed and gentle. When Ming Wei came to Chang Le Palace to see her mother, she often found her father holding tweezers, with a small bowl beside him piled high with plump shelled nuts, while her mother bent over to brew tea for him. The hall was warm and cozy, with a red-clay stove, everything felt cozy and cultured.

Ming Wei cocked her head, utterly baffled by what her parents were doing. But judging by the scene, had they reconciled?

She heard that the Imperial Garment Bureau was embroidering wedding robes, with dozens of Jiangnan embroiderers working through the night. Were they for her mother... or for her?

Gu Yan’s eyes were practically dripping with disdain. Ming Wei paid her respects, too embarrassed to ask her mother in front of her father, and withdrew looking dejected. Holding the token her mother had given her, she left the palace to find Su Huaimo.

Yan Xuerui had to worry about her daughter's marriage while also learning government affairs from Senior Tutor Gu. Gu Yan was a strict "teacher," and being his student was no easy task. During the day, Yan Xuerui humbled herself and studied diligently, but at night, she was pinned to the bed for a "lesson." Gu Yan had too many identities: by day, he was "Marquis Gu," "Senior Tutor Gu," "Master Gu"... but at night, he was simply "Gu Yan."

Gu Yan had been unusually excited during this period, as if he’d had some kind of stimulant. Yan Xuerui often found it hard to keep up, her black hair disheveled, her eyes dazed. When she was not fully conscious, she would hook her fingers around his, rub her legs against his waist, and softly whisper for him to stop.

"Gu Yan, Marquis... Senior Tutor, please spare your student."

Gu Yan's breathing suddenly quickened, and he turned her over. After that, Yan Xuerui often suffered, frequently forced to call him "Senior Tutor" or "Teacher." Yan Xuerui had been a proper young lady who attended school, where she respected her teachers and never dared to overstep. Now, in middle age, without any official title between them, once the bed curtains were drawn, there was nothing she wouldn't say.

So much so that during the day, when she heard others address him as "Senior Tutor Gu" at court, she felt an inexplicable shyness. She could only stammer and dare to call him by his full name.

...

Yan Xuerui was busy during the day and had no rest at night. When she learned of the crown prince's death, she was somewhat in a daze. Suddenly, she remembered: with the crown prince dead, what would become of the women in the Eastern Palace?