Chapter 49 I Hate You, I Don’t Want to Love You Anymore

Chapter 49: I Hate You, I Don't Want to Love You Anymore

Li Wangyue hadn't slept well in days. Every night, Ting Zhenxi called right on schedule, until his heart would leap the second he heard the ringtone after dark.

He tried to ignore it, but within ten minutes, someone was pounding frantically on his door.

The housekeeper's voice was panicked: "Mr. Li, are you okay?"

She was pounding on the door, even thinking about breaking it down.

Li Wangyue came out of the bathroom, hair still dripping, and opened the door.

The housekeeper looked pale, but visibly relaxed when she saw him: "You scared me to death—I thought something happened."

"I was just in the bathroom," Li Wangyue said.

"The young master called, said you've been sick and weren't picking up. He was scared you passed out in your room." She patted his arm gently. "Thank God you're okay... You've been busy, make sure you rest more. Just leave the house stuff to me. And call the young master back soon, so he stops worrying..."

Hearing that, even an idiot would get what Ting Zhenxi was doing.

It was just a warning.

Li Wangyue calmed the housekeeper down, then shut the door. He grabbed his phone, hesitated, shot a quick text to Ting Zhenxi, and tossed it back on the bed.

He still had stuff to do.

It was New Year's Eve. Li Ping was stuck on shift, so she had to spend it at the hospital. Ting Huayi invited him back to the old house to be with the aunts, uncles, and cousins, but Li Wangyue said no, saying he had work to do.

With his mom not around, New Year's Eve wasn't really worth celebrating anyway. Back then, he might've looked forward to spending it with his little brother, but now there was no point.

Strangely, his phone never rang again all night.

But Li Wangyue wasn't relieved. He didn't know if this was another one of Ting Zhenxi's games, keeping him on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

What was he doing?

Was he busy?

Why wasn't he calling?

He'd just used the housekeeper to threaten him.

So why wasn't he calling now?

What did he want? Was he trying to drive him crazy?

Just call already.

Just get it over with.

Please.

...

Li Wangyue kept glancing at his phone, like he'd been thrown back into that dark, hopeless afternoon from his childhood.

His long-gone dad came home, grinning as he leaned against the doorframe, asking if he had any money. Li Wangyue shook his head.

But he did. His mom had left him 2,000 for living expenses before she left. She was working nonstop at the hospital—the ER, apparently. His mom's job was important, and he got it.

His dad didn't seem to believe him. He leaned in, his smile getting even more twisted: "Our little Yue is such a good boy. Really no money? Let Dad check your pockets."

Li Wangyue just shook his head, not moving. The man reeked of booze, and he didn't like it.

His dad stared at him for a long time, then asked if he could have the cola. He said he was dying of thirst, that he'd walked over an hour just to see him.

Li Wangyue said nothing.

His dad then touched his face, said he was a good boy, went to the living room, grabbed the cola bottle, unscrewed it, and took a big swig.

Li Wangyue didn't tell him—that wasn't cola. It was a bottle of pesticide.

He thought he was a bad kid.

His dad was too drunk, or maybe not drunk at all. Either way, he kept drinking, his eyes locked on Li Wangyue standing in the bedroom doorway.

Li Wangyue caught the smell of pesticide a second too late and shut the bedroom door.

He heard his dad collapse, crawl across the floor, reach the bedroom door, and claw at it.

Li Wangyue listened to the noise, his face blank, crawled under the covers, covered his ears, and started reciting the district names.

...Fengyuan, Jiuqiao, Yunling, Changdu, Hedao, Liuhu...

This was something Li Ping taught him. Whenever he got anxious before a test, he'd recite them from south to north. Once he finished, his heart would settle.

There was no more sound outside.

Li Wangyue opened his eyes and came out of the bedroom. The whole living room reeked.

He tried to go get help, but the door was locked and the key was gone.

Later, the autopsy report came back. They said his dad had swallowed the key.

Li Wangyue knew the man hated him, but he never imagined it was that deep—deep enough to lock his nine-year-old self in with him, to make him watch him die, watch his body rot.

But in his heart, he felt an immense relief.

He had been worrying, terrified, that his father would die someday.

And when he finally did, Li Wangyue felt instantly free.

At least, he didn't have to worry anymore.

He thought that after nearly twenty years, he had long since walked out of that little room.

But now, he felt like he was back in his childhood.

Li Wangyue closed his laptop. His heart began to race, his hands trembling uncontrollably. He could only shake his leg to release the restless panic inside.

He was very thirsty. He drank a lot of water, but still felt uncomfortable.

He lowered his head, resting it on his fist, lying on the desk. He began reciting the district names again.

...Fengyuan, Jiuqiao...

Why wasn't the call coming yet?

Yunling, Changdu, Hedao, Liuhu...

Please.

Hengzhi, Taoxiang…

The phone rang.

Li Wangyue grabbed the phone.

An unfamiliar number with no caller ID flashed on the screen—always a different number each time.

Li Wangyue suddenly realized that Ting Zhenxi also tended to assume the worst; he never called from the same number twice, just assuming Li Wangyue would block him anyway.

Even though he never did.

He answered the call, staying silent, waiting.

It sounded like the other person was driving—he heard the click of a seatbelt buckle.

Silence hung between them on the line.

Li Wangyue couldn't hold back and spoke first: "Don't keep bothering Auntie; she'll worry too much."

"I'm worried too, big brother. You didn't answer my calls—I thought you'd died at home." The voice on the other end sounded utterly innocent.

"You can see whether I'm dead or not, can't you?" Li Wangyue laughed bitterly.

He didn't know what Ting Zhenxi was playing at—he could easily track his every move through the surveillance.

Ting Zhenxi ignored that. "Been waiting for my call all this time? You really can't do without me."

"You already went to Auntie, so why play innocent?" Li Wangyue stared at the table in front of him. "Let's get this over with quickly. Saves you the trouble of threatening me like this."

"Don't get too comfortable." Ting Zhenxi chuckled. "Maybe I'll come back tonight."

Li Wangyue's hand shook.

But he knew it was impossible—Ting Zhenxi was abroad now, with Ting Huayi, and wouldn't be back for at least a week.

"Just kidding. See? You believe everything I say."

Li Wangyue paused, then said, "Are you done? If so, I'm hanging up."

"Not yet. One more question."

"Spit it out."

"Did big brother miss me?"

Li Wangyue's throat tightened, and he couldn't get the words out.

"Come on, did you miss me?" The voice on the other end was full of amusement.

Li Wangyue remained silent.

After a long pause, just as he was about to speak, he heard another sentence.

"Go to bed and jerk off for me."

Li Wangyue frowned. "What did you say?"

Ting Zhenxi repeated slowly, word by word: "Go to bed, jerk off, for me."

"Are you out of your mind?" Li Wangyue's voice trembled, suddenly feeling like countless eyes were watching him. "You wanted me to call, and I did. What else do you want…"

"Are you deaf? Didn't I just say? Go to bed and jerk off for me. Now."

"No way, don't even think about it. Ting Zhenxi, act normal."

"Bro, I'm just looking out for you." Ting Zhenxi's tone was sanctimonious. "It's been so many days without sex, and I'm not by your side. Don't let yourself get too pent up."

"That's none of your business. I'll handle my own stuff!" Li Wangyue shouted.

"How will you handle it? By hugging my jacket and jerking off to me? Or using those photos you secretly took of me in high school? Li Wangyue, have you no shame? I was only a teenager back then."

Li Wangyue's eyes shook. "What nonsense are you talking! I never, ever have…"

"Only you know whether you have or not." Ting Zhenxi laughed coldly. "I let you into my room; there's plenty there for you to use on yourself. Don't act so innocent. Or is my stuff alone not enough, and you need me to come back and help you?"

"Calm down. I need to sleep." Li Wangyue's throat ached, his face burning and sweating like he'd been slapped hard.

He hung up quickly, throwing the phone aside like it was on fire. His whole body shook, a bone-deep chill seeping out, yet his forehead was sweaty—a feeling of ice and fire that made him want to find something to cut his arm open, to see if the blood inside was hot or cold.

He never expected Ting Zhenxi to hate him this much.

Once, Ting Zhenxi was cold—bone-chillingly cold—unwilling to even spare him a glance, but at least back then he was normal.

Now it seemed he no longer had to pretend in front of him. Ting Zhenxi smiled at him, hugged him, kissed him—Li Wangyue had never seen this side of him in his life.

But it was this mouth, these hands, these eyes—using the gentlest, most tender ways to speak the most chilling words and do the most despairing things.

He'd rather Ting Zhenxi still be the stepbrother who looked down on him.

Still be the lofty young master, untouchable, with Li Wangyue only able to glimpse his light from the shadows, never getting close.

That would be better than this torture and humiliation.

Li Wangyue took out sleeping pills, poured out half a palmful, and wanted to swallow them all at once, but remembering the doctor's advice and his mother, he gritted his teeth and held back.

He put the extra pills back, took two, and shoved them into his mouth, swallowing them whole.

He turned off the light, but in the darkness, it felt like eyes were staring at him from all sides, ready to strip him bare and tear him apart, eating his flesh and drinking his blood.

Panting, he got up and turned the light back on, but the room was empty—no eyes, no mocking lips or tongues, no voices, no ghosts watching him.

Only Ting Zhenxi.

He didn't dare turn off the light anymore. With it on, in the bright bedroom, he stared at the ceiling, silently praying for the sleeping pills to take effect faster.

Tonight was New Year's Eve. As midnight passed, he thought he heard faint fireworks, but he wasn't sure.

He dreamed again.

Unlike before, this dream wasn't damp or savage; it was a bit cool, soothing against his forehead.

He seemed to have a fever, or maybe he was poisoned. There was a fire in his chest he wanted to vomit out, but when he did, he found it wasn't fire—it was his tangled organs and blood vessels.

A hand hooked his blood vessel, then pulled it out, bloody and raw from his arm, tying it tightly to his own.

He said, "Brother, look, this is our bloodline."

"Now they're fused together, and you can never escape again."

Li Wangyue watched helplessly as he bound his arm with his own blood vessels, wanting to struggle but having no strength at all.

Ting Zhenxi kissed him, prying open his lips and teeth, sucking on his tongue. As his brain starved for oxygen, Ting Zhenxi suddenly bit him, forcing his own blood from his lips into him.

He started crying again.

He'd been crying a lot lately.

He shook his head desperately, swinging his fist, only for it to be caught gently and pulled aside.

"Why are you doing this to me? I love you so much... why are you doing this..."

"It's fun."

No matter how much he questioned, how heart-wrenchingly he lost it, the only answer was always "It's fun."

Li Wangyue's heart went cold. When he was kissed again, he bit down hard, his eyes blurry with tears: "I hate you. I don't want to love you anymore... I hate you, I don't love you. Just let me go..."

The man didn't budge, just smiled instead.

"Too late. You started this, Li Wangyue."

Warm breath ghosted over his ear.

"Bro, Happy New Year."

...

The sky was fully bright.

When Li Wangyue woke up, he instinctively touched his sleep pants. Nothing unusual.

No tear stains on his face either.

So that's what dreams are like—no matter how hard you cry in them, how much your heart aches, nothing remains when you wake up.

Today was the first day of the new year. Sunny and clear.