Chapter 62 Hatred

Chapter 62 Hatred

In the tranquil night, Zhou Liao could hear the curses from next door after the door opened. It took over ten seconds before the door closed again.

Inside the room where the tattered curtains failed to block out the moonlight and night sky, his heart was pounding fiercely. The other person was wearing a gray set of loungewear, just like what he usually wore when sleeping in the warehouse. He must have been woken up by Zhou Liao, still carrying the warmth from under the blankets.

The other person released his hand from Zhou Liao's mouth and then looked at him expressionlessly for a while before speaking.

"What do you want?"

Zhou Liao glanced at Qin Zhan, emboldened by the alcohol: "Can't I come?"

"It's almost three in the morning," Qin Zhan frowned, smelling the alcohol and cigarette smoke on Zhou Liao.

"Why did your phone get disconnected?" Zhou Liao asked abruptly.

"Is that why you're here?" Qin Zhan's eyes were cold, "I forgot to recharge it. Is there anything else?"

Zhou Liao clenched his teeth, unable to continue for a long time.

"Did you come banging on my door in the middle of the night just to ask this?" Qin Zhan turned around, "I remember you said we shouldn't see each other again."

Seeing the man about to leave, Zhou Liao grabbed his arm tightly, as if trying to crush his wrist.

"Are you doing this on purpose?"

"On purpose?"

"You damn well know what I said. Aren't you doing this to provoke me?"

Qin Zhan turned back, narrowing his eyes, "Provoke you into what?"

"... Provoking me to come find you." Zhou Liao gritted his teeth.

"You have plenty of people around you. Why would I need to provoke you?"

Zhou Liao grabbed Qin Zhan's collar, clenching it tightly: "You damn well know what I'm talking about?"

Qin Zhan looked at the bloodshot eyes of Zhou Liao and said with a grim face, "I don't know."

"Aren't you just trying to force me to admit I need you? That I can't live without you?"

Qin Zhan's calm eyes seemed to be stirring beneath the surface: "Aren't you living just fine? So many people revolve around you."

He ignored Zhou Liao's tightening grip on his collar and spoke calmly but progressively: "You have everything; you don't lack for company."

"One call, and countless people will come running."

"If you want to hear sweet words, there are endless people ready to say them to you."

"But why are you still here?"

The veins on Zhou Liao's arms and temples stood out prominently. Qin Zhan's ordinary words felt like whips lashing against him. He took a deep breath and suddenly let go.

"Damn it, I can't take it anymore." He grabbed his own hair, "What do you want me to do!"

"I've tried, I've made efforts, but why does it always end up like this, why!"

Zhou Liao's emotions were out of control: "Was I wrong that day!!? It was me who initiated the meeting! Why did you leave right away when it started!! Just because her mom needed something, you left without looking back!!"

"Qin Zhan, damn it, tell me, what did I do wrong!!"

Before Zhou Liao could finish shouting, Qin Zhan pulled him from the doorway and pressed him against the wardrobe.

"If you don't want my neighbors to break down my door, keep your voice down. This isn't your fancy neighborhood." Qin Zhan held his wrist in warning and then spoke word by word, "Zhou Liao, I have only one question: what do you really want?"

"What do you mean by what do I want?"

Zhou Liao, pinned against the wardrobe, struggled to breathe due to the lack of air circulation. His eyes were red as he looked at Qin Zhan.

"The torment you've endured, the pills you've swallowed, your pain."

"The texts you sent, the movies you suggested, your initiative, your midnight visit."

"All for what?"

Zhou Liao's breathing hitched, and his chest heaved violently from the lack of oxygen.

But Qin Zhan didn't let up: "You could have returned to your circle, stayed away from someone like me, and lived comfortably as before."

"But why haven't you done so?"

"In the locker room, you said that after seeing me, everything went out of control, like an illness."

"So now, what is it? We talked things through, and everything continued as usual. I followed your request not to meet again, yet you still feel the same way?"

"But why, Zhou Liao?"

"Isn't this what you wanted? Even after talking things through, it still isn't enough for you?"

"What do you really want?"

Each word struck Zhou Liao's still-beating heart, leaving him barely able to lift his head.

That day in the locker room, he had simply been unable to bear the pressure and had broken down, pouring out all his pain to Qin Zhan. After that, all his actions were instinctive; he hadn't thought about why he wanted to touch, why he acted on impulse, or why he wanted to see him. He hadn't considered the future or whether he truly needed Qin Zhan.

Because once he had spoken, the weight on his heart had lightened.

He thought he could return to his old life without reservation.

But clearly he had already returned to the past. Why did he still feel an inexplicable sense of betrayal coursing through his veins after learning that Qin Zhan would leave for good?

"Because I've formed a habit," Zhou Liao clenched his fists, his eyes downcast, not looking at Qin Zhan.

"Habit of what?"

"Habit of those days in the warehouse." Zhou Liao gritted his teeth, as if admitting something difficult to speak about, "After you left that day, I tried for many days to go through withdrawal training, locking myself up like before, learning to adapt, learning to endure the feeling of being abandoned, learning not to fear."

"But it was useless..."

Qin Zhan watched him quietly.

"I fucking knew it wouldn't work. I paid the most expensive price, received the best treatment in the hospital, and nothing changed. What could my own training do?"

"But I still did it. I wanted to say I could manage without you, that I'd be fine without you, but my mind told me one thing, and my body felt another!!"

"Do you know how disgusting conditioned reflexes can be?"

"Qin Zhan, I've tried so many times, why can't I do it?"

"When I heard your phone was disconnected, I wanted to kill you."

"Why?" Qin Zhan interrupted him.

"Because this is the third time. The first time, you sent me back without a word. The second time, you left me at the cinema entrance. If you disappear again this time..." Zhou Liao grabbed his collar, his teeth clenched, "I'll break your legs."

He saw a faint smile on the face in front of him, so subtle it seemed like an illusion.

"So, you're still afraid I'll disappear."

"......"

"Zhou Liao, I'm not someone who takes initiative." Qin Zhan held the wrist that was grabbing his collar, his gaze indistinct in the night, "I'm different from you."

"Different from birth. You can get anything you want, with unlimited capital to take the initiative."

"And what I want, either I give up." Qin Zhan paused, then looked down at the man in front of him who was constantly recomposing himself, "or, it comes to me."

Zhou Liao suddenly looked up at Qin Zhan. His face was cold and hard, exuding a chilling and aggressive aura. Qin Zhan merely moved his hand from his collar.

"So, before I make a decision, you still have a choice."

Despite the cool rain, Zhou Liao was drenched in cold sweat. This tiny rental room felt like a giant cage filled with temptation and traps, waiting to ensnare him completely.

To walk out, return to his world of fame and fortune, continue living a life of false flattery, and endure the pain of being cut off after closing the door.

Or stay, enter an unknown black hole, entangled with Qin Zhan in a life-long love-hate relationship, and wait for the darkness to soothe his desires and provide a sense of belonging.

He stood there, unaware of how much time had passed. Qin Zhan, like a patient master, waited quietly for his answer.

"Let's just leave it at that." Zhou Liao gave up completely.

"What?"

"I can't play this game with you." Zhou Liao raised his head, filled with self-destructive despair and near-fanatical obsession, contradictory and mad, "I'm tired."

Before Qin Zhan could say anything else, Zhou Liao pushed him aside and lay straight down on his bed.

"You haven't washed up."

Qin Zhan had a cleanliness fetish, but Zhou Liao didn't care. Qin Zhan could wash himself tomorrow; it wasn't the first time.

"Don't feel like moving. Just bear with it."

Zhou Liao wasn't actually tired; his mind was unusually clear. But he closed his eyes. His answer was clear, but he didn't want to say it aloud anymore.

Let it be, it doesn't matter.

If this is what his instincts desire, he might as well follow them.

He just wanted a good sleep, a place to escape the false flattery and mocking accusations.

He closed his eyes, listening to the sound of water and the heater. After a while, a warm cloth covered his face, accompanied by a familiar scent.

From his face, to his neck, to his arms.

His heart felt light again, floating in the air, the warmth of the towel against his skin making him feel both itchy and nostalgic.

"If you're not asleep, don't pretend." Qin Zhan looked at Zhou Liao's trembling eyelashes and spoke coldly.

Zhou Liao opened his eyes: "Will you go abroad next semester?"

Qin Zhan paused, not asking where Zhou Liao got the information.

"So what?"

"Are you coming back?"

Qin Zhan remained silent, and Zhou Liao felt his heart, which had just lightened, tighten again. He hated the feeling of being controlled.

After a while, when he thought he wouldn't get an answer, Qin Zhan finally spoke.

"Why do you need me? Tell me, and I'll stay."

The familiar question, but Zhou Liao already knew the answer.

He looked into Qin Zhan's calm and mysterious eyes under the night sky and said the answer hidden deep within: "Because of hate, so you won't leave."

"Hmm." Qin Zhan responded indifferently, "I hate you as much as you hate me."