Chapter 49 Only Give You Love and Kisses

Chapter 49: Only Love and Kisses for You

As he neared the bench, a little boy ran past him with a weird yell, and Lin Haoda shifted his gaze slightly, thus catching sight of Guan Junshan walking toward him.

His gaze first landed on Guan Junshan's face, surprised, he froze for a moment. He was about to stand up, but his gaze then trailed down to the pink cotton candy in his hand. He rested his hands on his knees, stood there dazed and hesitating, and forgot what to do next.

Guan Junshan approached him, stopped very close to him. He lowered his gaze, watching him for a while, then spoke Lin Haoda's name.

Lin Haoda responded vaguely, looked away, and asked in a low voice, "President Guan, why are you back?"

Guan Junshan stood for a moment without speaking. After a while, he pressed the cotton candy into Lin Haoda's hand and suddenly asked, "Have you seen the hermit crabs?"

Lin Haoda didn't understand at first, replying honestly with a foolish look, "I already went to see them on my own."

Guan Junshan was silent for a few seconds, then let out a low "Mm," his voice very soft, as if he had already expected Lin Haoda to do this, yet still seemed unhappy.

They stood at the entrance of the freshwater aquarium in the dusk. Golden light struck Guan Junshan's back, his shadow stretched long on the ground, completely covering Lin Haoda's figure.

The closing announcement sounded again. A few scattered tourists headed back to the entrance. Guan Junshan turned to leave, but Lin Haoda suddenly reached out and caught his arm, asking tentatively, "But there's no harm in going to see them again, right?"

The two walked one behind the other through the empty queue area. Guan Junshan walked quickly ahead, and Lin Haoda struggled to keep up, barely managing to match his pace.

They arrived at the turnstile. The staff member was getting ready to clock out. As Lin Haoda scanned his wristband's barcode, he heard her remind them that the aquarium would close in twenty minutes.

He quickly said "Got it" under his breath. Guan Junshan followed behind; his wristband had somehow been lost—probably taken off when he saw Miss Jiang off earlier. Lin Haoda stood on the other side of the turnstile waiting for him. The staff member then suggested he go elsewhere. The float parade on the square hadn't ended yet, and the dolphin hall could be entered without scanning.

Guan Junshan didn't say anything. He took out his phone, and after a few seconds, turned it around to show the screen to the staff member.

The other person seemed momentarily stunned, looked at his face for a moment, then opened the staff entrance beside them, letting him through smoothly.

Lin Haoda approached and was about to ask what he had shown them when Guan Junshan suddenly put an arm around his waist, whispering, "Watch where you're going."

There were hardly any people left inside the museum. Most of the decorative lights had been turned off. The deeper they went into the exhibition hall, the dimmer the light grew. Lin Haoda was afraid of the dark and of empty spaces, so he had to stay close to Guan Junshan as they walked.

They made their way to the innermost exhibit tank. Where the shallow sand met the artificial seawater lay many hermit crabs of various sizes. Their brown-and-white patterned shells were piled quietly on the sand, with only a few legs occasionally emerging and a pair of large eyes gently moving.

The emergency lights on the walls gave off a faint glow, and a ring of blue lights flickered dimly. Perhaps because of the poor lighting, the captive hermit crabs were no longer as active as during the day, nearly entering their nighttime rest phase.

Dusk was supposed to be the time for them to swarm onto the beach to forage and play—this was an instinct evolved over millennia. But expecting a group of captive pets trapped in a city forest's climate-controlled tank to follow that instinct was all too unrealistic.

Lin Haoda felt a pang of regret. He reached out and gently tapped the glass with his finger. Guan Junshan beside him didn't speak for a moment, then he too reached out and slowly took Lin Haoda's hand.

They hunched over, squeezed together in front of a small section of tempered glass. Even their breathing grew warmer. Lin Haoda didn't pull away; he let Guan Junshan hold his fingers and give them a squeeze.

Guan Junshan looked down at him and said, "Lin Haoda," in a tone that sounded very much like a promise: "I'll take you to see real hermit crabs someday."

Lin Haoda stood still, not moving. His gaze was fixed on the dim wall. "President Guan," he called out, his lips red, moving in the darkness: "You and Miss Jiang will get married, won't you?"

Their pressed-together fingers grew hot, slightly sweaty. Guan Junshan seemed unable to keep holding him; his hand slipped away first.

Whether it was because of Lin Haoda's sweaty fingers or because he had asked such a mood-killing question—whichever had upset Guan Junshan—he glanced at Lin Haoda, his tone cooling a bit, and hesitated a few seconds before answering: "That doesn't seem to have anything to do with you."

Lin Haoda didn't look surprised, nor did he seem hurt. He turned his face and looked into Guan Junshan's eyes, saying very seriously, "Then let's not do this anymore."

As if trying to correct Guan Junshan's wrong behavior and thoughts, even at the cost of ruining the romantic atmosphere—appearing unromantic and lacking charm—Lin Haoda stubbornly finished: "She won't be happy."

He was about to leave, but Guan Junshan blocked his way, not moving, his features half hidden in shadow. After a moment of silence, he spoke again, telling Lin Haoda "Don't be so foolish," and reminding him, "It was you who came and kissed me just now."

Lin Haoda felt a little humiliated by this. His eyes shifted, with a hint of reluctant regret. "Sorry."

He avoided Guan Junshan's gaze and admitted to himself in a low voice: "It's my fault. I went too far."

"I have no right to blame others."

After a two-second pause, he quickly added that.

Guan Junshan looked at him, frowned, and didn't know what to say for a moment. This wasn't the result he wanted. He didn't need Lin Haoda's apology, nor his self-reflection. What he had with Jiang Tianyi was different, just as love and marriage were different.

No, to be precise, Lin Haoda was the most special one—different from anyone else.

Lin Haoda sidestepped him and walked out of the exhibition hall looking utterly dejected.

What Guan Junshan said was true: when it came to blaming others, he was the most insincere one of all.

Wanting everything, yet afraid to bear the consequences. Both greedy and detestable.

He wanted Guan Junshan to have a smooth relationship with Jiang Tianyi, to marry her, but he couldn't help wanting to occupy a corner of Guan Junshan's heart, even just a tiny spot.

He knew there was no love between them, but then again, what did it matter whether there was or wasn't?

He wandered aimlessly through these thoughts, reaching the exit. The light finally grew brighter, spilling out from a souvenir shop. Lin Haoda walked in and browsed the shelves, appearing to be selecting gifts, but his mind was hollow, wandering like a ghost.

He grabbed a plush toy, looked at it from all sides, put it down, then picked up an electronic toy, pressed the switch, letting it emit loud, exaggerated music and noise.

There wasn't a single person in the shop; even the checkout staff had already clocked out. After making a full circuit of the shop, Lin Haoda returned to the shop entrance. Just as he was about to step out, Guan Junshan came walking in from the opposite direction.

He brushed past Lin Haoda's shoulder, walking steadily as if he hadn't seen him at all, going straight to the same counter Lin Haoda had looked at, carefully selecting. He even called for a staff member, as if he really meant to buy and pay.

Lin Haoda stood at the door, hearing Guan Junshan's voice asking about the price behind him, and sighed. Suddenly, he felt so pathetic.

Not doing it made him itch; doing it made him unwilling to admit it. If he hadn't been hoping Guan Junshan would come back, why would he have stayed here until sunset, unwilling to leave?

Outside the souvenir shop, a couple was taking photos with a mascot statue, striking different poses, laughing and messing around for a long time before leaving.

Lin Haoda stood watching them for a moment. Though he knew he shouldn't and it was immature, he couldn't help feeling a pang of envy.

Shame lingered in his heart, hard to dispel. He averted his gaze and was about to leave when a voice came from behind: "Lin Haoda."

Guan Junshan called him. He didn't know how long he had been standing there watching, but after a brief hesitation, he asked, "Do you want a photo?"

Lin Haoda froze for a second and turned to look.

Guan Junshan might have misunderstood—thinking Lin Haoda really wanted a photo of the two of them together—so he said, "Hurry up and go over."

Lin Haoda didn't move. He shook his head and quickly clarified, "No, there's no need to take one."

Perhaps Guan Junshan felt he had already been burned once by Lin Haoda's insincere objections, so he frowned, showing a hint of impatience, and said, "Alright. It's not like I'm unwilling."

Then, using his free hand (the one not holding a bag), he pushed Lin Haoda's shoulder, urging, "The museum is about to close. Make it quick."

Pushed along, Lin Haoda reluctantly gave in and took out his phone.

Guan Junshan obviously had never taken a selfie with anyone like this. He spent a while adjusting the angle and lighting, standing slightly to Lin Haoda's left and a step forward, very close. He said, "I'll count to three, then you press the shutter."

He counted to three, but forgot to turn on the flash, so the picture came out dark and blurry.

The second time, with a bit more experience, Guan Junshan placed his other hand on Lin Haoda's shoulder. The flash went off half a second later, resulting in a clean, flawless picture that looked exactly like a typical couple's selfie.

Lin Haoda received the photo and looked it over carefully for half a minute. He first zoomed in on Guan Junshan's face, then on his own. Guan Junshan stood beside him, watching as Lin Haoda, clearly satisfied and treasuring it, pressed the star button to mark it as a favorite and then set it as his WeChat chat background.

At this moment, who made the first move, who would end up marrying whom, whether a love that can't see the light of day could ever have a future—none of these seemed to matter anymore. Guan Junshan lowered his eyes, gazing at Lin Haoda’s profile, suddenly feeling his throat go dry and his fingertips burn. He could no longer fully control himself. He called out Lin Haoda’s name and couldn’t help asking, “Do you like it that much?”

Lin Haoda put his phone away, then looked up with a cute and gentle expression, and said to him, “I do, Chief Guan.”

The blue rippling beam of light above fell onto Lin Haoda’s delicate brows and eyes, gently swaying.

Guan Junshan quietly gazed at him, his Adam’s apple rolling slightly. He reached out to touch his cheek, leaned in, and couldn’t resist brushing his lips very lightly and fleetingly against Lin Haoda’s.

Lin Haoda’s lips were very red, very soft, with a moist texture somewhere between warm and cool, carrying a faint scent of strawberry candy.

Guan Junshan thought he had strong self-control. He had intended only a brief taste, to end it there. But then Lin Haoda’s breath suddenly faltered, and his right hand slid up to Guan Junshan’s wrist, giving it a light, gentle squeeze.

Lin Haoda didn’t close his eyes while kissing. Now, with a slightly dazed and shy expression, he simply looked at Guan Junshan, as if unconsciously smiling at him, then said softly, “This… I like it too.”

Guan Junshan’s breathing became ragged as well, his eyes jet-black and fathomless. He let Lin Haoda be bold for only a few seconds before reaching out and pulling him into a corridor nearby. The corner of the passage faced a fire door, which led to an emergency exit.

Guan Junshan pushed the door open without a word and dragged him inside. Before Lin Haoda could react, his back was already pressed against the door. There was a surveillance camera above them, though its back was turned to them. Still, Guan Junshan tucked him into the corner, completely covering him within the shadow of his own body.

It was their first real kiss—not a mere brush of lips like a dragonfly skimming the water. They were hiding in the aquarium, which was about to close.

Guan Junshan’s fingers were hot, his lips even hotter. He carried the pleasant scent of aftershave from their first meeting. His teeth were hard, occasionally knocking against the inside of Lin Haoda’s lips, making him shed a few pointless tears.

His breathing grew heavier and heavier, echoed dully in the empty stairwell, and then Guan Junshan used his tongue to easily pry open his teeth, chasing after his retreating tongue.

He couldn’t remember exactly how long they kissed.

When he was truly out of breath and gasping, he only remembered Guan Junshan pressing intimately against his lips and saying in a hoarse voice, “I'll give her a marriage, but no love and no kisses.”

Lin Haoda’s heart felt numb from the kiss. He lifted his face, feeling that he wasn’t really qualified to receive such an explanation or promise, nor should he keep having these hidden, secret kisses.

But Guan Junshan’s breath tightly entangled him, and the scent and warmth of his body almost melted him.

Lin Haoda’s heart softened. He felt that Guan Junshan, who had marriage without love, seemed a bit pitiful. So he remained silent, allowing his kisses.