Chapter 100 No One Taught Him How to Love

Chapter 100: No One Taught Him How to Love

When Guan Junshan watched movies as a child, they depicted the lives of golden boys as devoid of setbacks or worries.

Indeed, as one of those blueprints of a successful life, the people or things that could make him feel a "sense of failure" were few and far between. He might have been proud of this in his youth, but it wasn't entirely a good thing—especially after he truly fell in love. Amid the envy-evoking game winners and the dazzling world of money and fame, he found himself a bottom-of-the-class student in every subject in the most mundane matters of love.

Unlike business terms with clear rules to follow, Lin Haoda's sadness, his tears, the troubled and panicked expression he showed when looking at Guan Junshan—there was no benchmark to measure them against. For Guan Junshan, they were the only setback and problem in his otherwise smooth-sailing life.

When he bit Lin Haoda's lip, their breaths instantly intertwined, and two stiff bodies trembled. A wave of sweetness arose.

The shell wind chime swayed a couple of times and then fell silent. The world went silent, as if returning to last night's snowy evening. A blizzard trapped them, leaving only each other's warmth and scent in the world.

Lin Haoda, already exhausted from the argument, closed his eyes as if to escape. Guan Junshan gazed deeply at that face, lifted the hand holding his chin, and ran his fingertip over the back of his neck—ambiguous yet clear.

The temperature rose inch by inch, and the kiss no longer felt like a kiss—it was chasing, fleeing, hiding one secret within another. The kiss left them breathless, the wet sounds of their kiss echoed in his ears.

Lin Haoda's lips turned moist, soft, and rosy, glistening with moisture. Guan Junshan's eyes burned with desire as he pulled down both wrists, pressed Lin Haoda against the door, lowered his head, and tried to continue the kiss.

But Lin Haoda pushed him away. His wet lashes fluttered as he whispered a low "Enough."

Guan Junshan panted heavily, looking down at him. Lin Haoda turned his face away, his voice, softened by emotion, barely keeping calm: "You go. I'm tired. I don't want to see—"

Before the word "you" could leave his mouth, Guan Junshan blocked him again with the same trick, as if not saying it would make it unreal. Lin Haoda, pushed to his limit, shoved and beat him, cursing while dodging. Guan Junshan took it all. He acted as if he hadn't heard, continuing to entangle him.

How could he let go again? Lin Haoda was so understanding—he would even agree to try with someone he didn't love. Besides himself, anyone else seemed to get his consideration. Since that was the case, they should never part. He would claim Lin Haoda's body and soul.

After all, Guan Junshan had always been favored. No matter how well he pretended, how well he played, even if his exam paper accidentally got a zero, he wouldn't allow himself to stop there.

But he forgot that Lin Haoda was never a prize in his competition for love. The love and repentance he repeated over and over, a jealousy-fueled kiss, shattered in an instant.

Suddenly, a sharp pain hit his lip. Guan Junshan winced and stepped back half a step, his tongue nearly numb. Tiny drops of blood kept seeping from the wound.

Lin Haoda leaned against the door, panting heavily. His lips were stained with blood too. Under wet, long lashes, a pair of bright black eyes stared coldly at him.

All concern and reluctance vanished. Only an icy indifference that could freeze a person remained.

The dense pain spread in the hot, wet mouth. Only then did Guan Junshan's expression change. He realized belatedly and struggled to speak: "Haoda, I..."

Lin Haoda dodged his hand. His shoulders trembled uncontrollably. A drop of blood slowly slid to his chin. "Go away, please."

With nothing more to say, he exhaled and closed his eyes in exhaustion.

The weekend passed, but the snow hadn't fully melted. On Monday morning, due to traffic, Lin Haoda was half an hour late for work.

Tong Dong covered for him and clocked him in. Lin Haoda arrived at the office with wet shoes, pale and in poor condition. He looked as if he had stayed up several nights in a row.

Tong Dong secretly came to talk to him, intending to ask how his Christmas weekend went, but was startled by his complexion. Her words took a different turn: "What's wrong? You look terrible."

"Didn't sleep well." Lin Haoda moved his pale lips slightly, and a small crack at the corner of his lips immediately bled.

"How did you get hurt there?" Tong Dong frowned at his wound. "The weather is so dry. Do you want some lip balm?"

Lin Haoda shook his head and changed the subject. Dark circles under his eyes, he staggered to his feet, saying he wanted to get some water.

Tong Dong, afraid he might fall if the wind blew, quickly grabbed her cup too, intending to go with him.

Lin Haoda stood by his desk, patiently waiting for her to grab a tea bag from her desk. His phone on the table vibrated. The caller ID showed a string of numbers not saved in his contacts.

After waiting for about ten seconds, it kept vibrating. Tong Dong leaned in to look and saw Lin Haoda standing still, staring at the phone screen, dazed.

"Answer it," Tong Dong gestured with her chin. "Why are you standing there spacing out?"

Lin Haoda snapped out of it, glanced away nonchalantly, and said, "Spam ad about loans."

Tong Dong said "Oh," and dragged him toward the break room. "Want to try my tea? It calms the nerves and helps sleep..."

Lin Haoda turned the phone over, face down on the table.

During the meeting, when it was Lin Haoda's turn to speak, his phone rang again, inopportunely.

He was holding the microphone, and under the boss's less-than-pleased gaze, he murmured an apology and fished the phone out of his pocket.

Glance, reject. Ring again, hang up. Ring, disconnect.

This went on nonstop, as if it never tired.

After two or three minutes, the ringing continued. In the silence, it alone jingled merrily, drawing the attention of everyone around.

The boss sat at the head of the table, cleared his throat, and forced a tight, insincere smile. "Team Leader Lin, if it's really urgent, take it outside and come back in."

Given his role in execution work, he added, "If it's a client, you can't just hang up like that."

Lin Haoda had to force a smile. "Thank you, boss. Just a personal matter."

The moment he finished, the phone rang again. The boss chuckled dryly. Eyes full of curiosity, impatience, and schadenfreude were fixed on him.

Lin Haoda took a deep breath and then stood up. "Sorry, I'll go handle it outside."

"Make it quick. Don't delay work," the boss tapped the table twice in warning.

Pushing open the meeting room door, a cold wind hit his face. Lin Haoda hunched his shoulders and shuffled to a window.

One hand in his coat pocket, still gripping the phone. After another few minutes, it finally stopped.

He was about to press the power button when a text message came in.

He almost closed his eyes in resignation, feeling he couldn't escape. He took out the phone and opened the message:

"It's snowing again outside. Very cold. Dress warmly."

"Do you have work today? Will the roads be hard to travel?"

"I was wrong. Can you answer the phone? Just one minute."

"Haoda, I'm sorry."

"[Unknown Emoji]"

Lin Haoda stared at the last text on the screen—a frowning face that looked like it was about to cry, looking very pitiful.

Memories that had faded slowly came back into focus.

He remembered that emoji. He used it often two or three years ago. Once, he accidentally sent it to Guan Junshan. Unexpectedly, Guan Junshan saved it without telling him and started sending it to him often.

That was probably a honeymoon period that didn't last long. They would secretly text each other their longing, cross half the city after work just to meet for a moment, and steal kisses in the back of a driverless car. All it took was a kiss, a bouquet, a candlelit dinner to get the hormones going. In the end, neither of them stayed themselves.

Standing in the cold wind, Lin Haoda told himself repeatedly that he wasn't softening. He was just surprised that Guan Junshan still used this outdated emoji, one Lin Haoda himself no longer used. It was as if he clingingly held onto a secret that had never been abandoned, even if the secret itself no longer fit.

It wasn't that he didn't want to forgive—it just wasn't necessary. Whether then or now, Guan Junshan was always smug and self-satisfied, like a victorious general forever basking in glory on the battlefield, every move made only to achieve the ultimate desired outcome, never allowing anything to slip out of his control.

Lin Haoda was exhausted and couldn't be bothered to wage this war with him. He didn't doubt Guan Junshan's regret or sincerity, but he didn't want to return to such a love—one that was not easy, happy, or healthy.

In love, all he knew was how to plunder and suppress.

Lin Haoda didn't want to be a selfless guide anymore. If he had a choice, he'd prefer a simple and easy relationship.

Fine, even if that made him selfish. But after living a rule-abiding life for so many years, couldn't he be allowed to be willful just once?

By evening, it was already dark early. Several bus routes had been suspended due to snow and wind, and the ride-hailing app already had a waitlist of over fifty.

Lin Haoda thought about carpooling to both cut the wait and save some money, as all transportation costs were skyrocketing in the snow, reaching absurd levels.

Tong Dong, upon hearing his idea, said she'd join in, and went ahead to ask every colleague who was still in the office, and recruited another female coworker to join.

Xiao Ye from the next desk sat silently in the corner, not saying a word until they were about to queue for a ride. Then he closed his laptop, stood up from his seat, and said, "Come on, I'll drive you all home."

"Where to?" Tong Dong was momentarily confused, staring at him wide-eyed.

"Home," Xiao Ye gave a helpless look and replied, pushing up his glasses. "I drove here."

"What!" Tong Dong slammed her hands on the desk and gave a thunderous shout, "You bought a car?!"

"Since when?!" she demanded.

Several pairs of eyes in the office darted over, and Xiao Ye wished he could cover her mouth right then and there. "Last month... Could you please keep it down!"

Tong Dong's expression shifted instantly, and she cheerfully slung her arm around his neck. "From now on, when we work late, we'll count on you, handsome Ye, to drive us home..."

A few of them braved the wind and went downstairs. In the lobby, they ran into two interns waiting for a ride who had forgotten their umbrellas. Lin Haoda handed his umbrella to them.

Xiao Ye pulled the car out of the parking garage and stopped by the office building's entrance. The night grew darker, the wind and snow relentless. They lined up to get in. Lin Haoda held an umbrella over them, letting Tong Dong and the other female colleague get in first.

When it was his turn to be the last one, he slipped on the wet steps and fell, landing on the stairs. Tong Dong tried to push the door open to help, but Xiao Ye told her to stay seated. He got out of the driver's side, ran over with the umbrella, and helped Lin Haoda up.

The two were indeed standing quite close. The warmth of Xiao Ye's breath brushed Lin Haoda's cheek before being quickly whisked away by the wind. Lin Haoda didn't have time to mind—he had twisted his ankle and couldn't put much weight on it, so he had to lean on Xiao Ye's arm, slowly hopping down the steps.

The world was full of swirling snow. As far as the eye could see, everything was shrouded in a hazy white.

The wind was so cold, the snow so heavy, and then, like a ghost, Guan Junshan appeared under a pine tree not far away, holding an umbrella, his coat collar flapping in the wind. He involuntarily took a few steps forward.

"...Hao Da."

Muddy slush splashed up, soaking his pant cuffs and the toes of his shoes.

Lin Haoda heard the voice first, then looked up, his eyes meeting Guan Junshan's.

Guan Junshan hurried toward him, ignoring how red his lips and fingers were from the cold, his voice fragmented and swallowed by the howling wind.

Lin Haoda stared at him, his already pale face slowly losing all color. His lips were pressed tightly together, and his whole body stiffened in place.

Perhaps the memories of what Guan Junshan had done were still vivid, leaving him still shaken. The scene now was so similar to that day. Lin Haoda had a man next to him with whom he had a decent relationship. In Guan Junshan's eyes, would this again become an excuse to berate him for caring about everyone?

Lin Haoda didn't dare to gamble. He stood still in the wind and snow until Xiao Ye, not understanding, came over to take his hand again.

From five or six meters away, Guan Junshan saw him suddenly push the young man aside slightly, then step in front of him to shield him.

Guan Junshan froze for a moment, then realized what was happening. His heart tightened, and before he could tell if it was jealousy or regret, he stopped in his tracks.

"What are you doing here?" Lin Haoda stood by the car, said coldly.