Chapter 23 Look Carefully at Who I Am

Chapter 23 Look Clearly Who I Am

Zhu Shinian woke up in the middle of the night.

First came the discomfort, then he realized the heat was unnatural.

His skin felt as if it had been licked by tongues of fire; even the friction of the blanket against his skin made his whole body go limp.

The gland at the nape of his neck was so sensitive that the slightest movement triggered a series of sharp, stinging pains.

Sweat-soaked strands of hair stuck to his forehead, and his throat was parched.

Every guest room in the Gu estate had warm water prepared in advance. Zhu Shinian wanted to get a drink, but as soon as he got out of bed, his legs gave way and he fell to the floor.

*How strange. Why is this happening?*

*Didn't I already take fever medicine? Why am I still feeling so awful?*

It felt like tiny insects were crawling between his legs. He reached down to find them, but no matter how he searched, he couldn't find them.

*Gu Zhen said he would come see me, didn't he?*

Even if people called him a homewrecker who seduced someone else's fiancé, Zhu Shinian would accept it. He felt so terrible, so desperate for Gu Zhen to come, hold him, and make him feel better...

He wanted Gu Zhen so badly.

He waited for what felt like an eternity, each second was agony. He waited and waited, as if a century had passed.

Then suddenly, he knew—Gu Zhen wasn't coming.

Tomorrow was the day of his engagement to someone else. His fiancée had called him away. He... wasn't coming.

The realization hit Zhu Shinian like a bucket of cold water, and the light in his eyes dimmed in an instant.

Gu Zhen didn't want him anymore.

Tomorrow, he would exchange rings with someone else on stage. Amid countless guests praising them as a perfect match and blessing their eternal union, he would take her hand.

Then, before the gods of the World Guidance Church, he would swear to protect each other for life.

Though neither of them truly believed, they had already made the gods and everyone else believe they were in love.

*The fever is unbearable, and the little bugs are biting and itching. Is this the gods' punishment?*

*Punishing me for intruding between a match made in heaven, for making Gu Zhen say over and over that he didn't love Jiang Huaiyan, but loved me.*

*I'm sorry. I know I was wrong.*

*But Mr. Jiang has everything: an illustrious family, outstanding abilities, striking looks, and noble character.*

*And Zhu Shinian comes from a lowly background, is petty and envious—inferior in every way.*

*He shouldn't care about any of that at all. He just... wants Gu Zhen.*

*Gu Zhen, even if he weren't the son of Marshal Gu, even if he weren't the empire's youngest major general.*

*I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry... I shouldn't have yearned for something that doesn't belong to me.*

*The gland... it's burning, so uncomfortable.*

*Just a fever wouldn't make the gland feel like this.*

In an instant, Zhu Shinian seemed to understand, and his whole body felt as if it had fallen into an icy abyss.

He had taken health education. A burning gland, fevers for several nights...

These were the signs of secondary differentiation.

"How can this be..." Zhu Shinian murmured to himself.

He was already twenty-two. After twenty, the probability of secondary differentiation was barely a few per thousand.

*If I become an omega... everything will be ruined.*

*The military won't accept an omega. The capital won't offer any jobs to an omega from District 26.*

*He has no other skills. Even if he works off the books, he can't stay in the capital.*

*An omega can't protect Grandma, either. In District 26, an omega and an elderly female beta are basically targets.*

*Going grocery shopping, taking out the trash—anytime, someone could rob them, or some low-grade alpha could mark his neck.*

*Gu Zhen doesn't like omegas either. He said it himself: he finds it annoying to have to spend all night holding and comforting an omega in heat.*

*He won't love him or keep him anymore, not even as a bed partner, not even as...*

*He could give himself plenty of suppressants,* Zhu Shinian thought painfully. *If he never goes into heat, then Gu Zhen won't have any burden when using him. Gu Zhen won't find omegas annoying.*

*He'll take plenty of suppressants. He'll control himself and won't go into heat. He'll behave, even if he's treated like an object.*

"Gu Zhen..." Zhu Shinian whispered. "Do whatever you want with me, just... don't abandon me."

The lock on the door clicked softly.

Then the door slowly opened, letting in the light from the Gu family corridor lights that stayed on all night. A tall, lean alpha walked in.

The fresh air from outside and the alpha's cold, woody pheromones flooded the room at once. Zhu Shinian gasped, gasping for the fresh air.

The whole room was sweet.

Jiang Huaiyan closed the door behind him, locked it again, and looked down at Zhu Shinian.

The beautiful young man was slumped on the carpet, his skin was flushed pink all over. When Jiang Huaiyan reached out to help him up, his hand brushed the young man's palm, the beautiful young man shuddered.

An alpha's skin naturally carries a trace of their pheromones. For Zhu Shinian, who had just differentiated into an omega and fallen into heat, any pheromone was more potent than any aphrodisiac. But when Jiang Huaiyan pulled his hand back, Zhu Shinian looked as if he was deeply hurt. After a moment of inner struggle, he reached out to take Jiang Huaiyan's hand again.

Jiang Huaiyan grasped his hand, and Zhu Shinian trembled again. Then, as if suddenly remembering something, tears began to fall inexplicably.

"Why... won't you hold me?"

"Please, help me... please..." Zhu Shinian wept, his face streaked with tears, looking utterly pitiful, like a puppy abandoned by its owner in a snowstorm. "I'll get out of your way from now on. I'll go far away and never bother you again, I promise."

"Please, just help me now."

"How pathetic," Jiang Huaiyan said, looking down at him. He lifted him by the crook of his knees and carried him in his arms. "I'll help you."

As if handling a child, Jiang Huaiyan laid him on the bed.

Jiang Huaiyan's body was cool, like cold jade, very comfortable. Zhu Shinian wanted to hold onto him and not let go, but his body was so weak that he didn't even have the strength to do that.

"How did you end up like this? Doesn't it hurt?" Jiang Huaiyan looked down and saw that Zhu Shinian's body was all red from his own fumbling, as if he had been bullied.

"The little bug..." Zhu Shinian sobbed. "I can't find the little bug... it feels so bad..."

"Be good, baby will help you find the little bug. Don't hurt yourself like this again, okay?" Jiang Huaiyan leaned down and kissed him on the lips.

Kissing felt good. Even as an alpha, Zhu Shinian had always loved kissing.

Although Jiang Huaiyan had never kissed anyone before, perhaps he had a talent for it—he seemed to instinctively know how to make Zhu Shinian feel wonderful with almost no effort.

That day after Zhu Shinian left, Jiang Huaiyan suddenly realized he had never kissed him, and he felt a little regretful.

He never expected the chance to make up for it would come so soon, and that Zhu Shinian would end up... like this.

"The little bug... just now, it wasn't biting me..." Zhu Shinian struggled to describe his feelings. "Now it's uncomfortable again... I want more, I want to kiss..."

The alpha's lips were very cool. When they first pressed against him, he wanted to shiver, but after being pressed for a while, it felt so good.

The alpha didn't make him wait long. He was a good man, someone who said what he would do. He stopped kissing him, but soon began helping him look for the little bug.

The little bug was chased away, and what little clarity remained was gradually swallowed up.

He's really nice, Zhu Shinian thought hazily.

Gu Zhen said that no one else could make him feel this good except him.

So this alpha must be Gu Zhen.

But when helping him find the bug, why wouldn't Gu Zhen hold him?

"Gu Zhen..."

His tone even carried a hint of grievance, his voice slurred—clearly he was used to calling out like this.

"Hold me... why won't you hold me..."

Jiang Huaiyan's body stiffened noticeably.

He looked down at the person in his arms. He had just used his hands to bring Zhu Shinian to release from both ends—how could he have had an extra hand to hold him?

Ungrateful little brat, still moaning another alpha's name right in front of me.

He needed to be punished.

Zhu Shinian's eyes were unfocused, his bangs damp with sweat. He was pressed close, completely unaware of what he was doing.

"Zhu Shinian."

Jiang Huaiyan lowered his voice and called him: "Look at me. Who am I?"

But Zhu Shinian only shook his head, his forehead pressing against Jiang Huaiyan's shoulder, his breathing erratic, repeatedly murmuring, "Gu Zhen, hold me, Gu Zhen don't abandon me, I won't go into heat, I won't cling to you forever."

Even though he knew he was the one intruding, that he shouldn't demand anything from a barely conscious Zhu Shinian, displeasure, jealousy, and a sense of being slighted still flooded over Jiang Huaiyan in an instant.

"Enough."

A sharp pain suddenly struck Zhu Shinian. His whole body trembled violently, as if he was briefly pulled back from the chaos.

Zhu Shinian froze. He didn't understand why Gu Zhen would suddenly hit him. He stared blankly at the person before him.

His hands were so big, his strength so great—the hit really hurt. It felt like he was going to split in half.

To be fair, Gu Zhen had taken good care of Zhu Shinian's body. Though he looked slender, his ass and thighs were soft and chubby, making people want to keep bullying him.

"That hurts... stop hitting me..."

"Who am I?"

Zhu Shinian's answer was wrong—Jiang Huaiyan looked displeased. Zhu Shinian had also forgotten who Gu Zhen even was, but couldn't come up with a better answer.

If he couldn't answer right, the alpha would keep spanking him and wouldn't let him feel good.

"It's 'hubby,' got it?"

"Hubby," Zhu Shinian was let off mercifully. He sweetly chirped, "Hubby," then pointed to the gland at the nape of his neck. "I want hubby to kiss me there too."

Jiang Huaiyan watched him. He knew Zhu Shinian didn't understand what he was saying—he was just parroting—but it still felt damn good.

This was the perfect chance. If he bit a permanent mark, he could own this man completely.

He wouldn't need a basement or chains. The power of pheromones alone would make Zhu Shinian submit to him.

As long as he got close, the freshly marked omega would obediently spread his legs for him and softly call him "hubby."

Whenever he wanted, he could knock Zhu Shinian up—either pregnant, or...

Jiang Huaiyan hesitated. Zhu Shinian got impatient and cried a few more tears from the ache.

"Hubby... hubby... please kiss me..."

.......

The communicator wouldn't stop ringing. Gu Zhen didn't even glance at any of them.

It wasn't until he saw the sender's name on the latest message that he condescended to pick up.

"Major General." Zhu Shinian's voice crackled through. Maybe it was the distortion, but he sounded uncharacteristically timid.

That voice made Gu Zhen reluctantly remember something. He'd used "official business" as an excuse to skip the engagement banquet—would Grandpa and the rest... give Zhu Shinian a hard time?

Probably not, Gu Zhen figured. Sure, Grandpa had never liked Zhu Shinian, but Gu Zhen had thrown a years-long tantrum insisting he'd only marry Zhu Shinian. By now he'd pretty much accepted it. No reason to mess with Zhu Shinian now.

"What is it?" Gu Zhen asked.

"Today's your engagement party. Mr. Jiang and everyone are waiting. No matter how bad the riot is, ditching Mr. Jiang like that..."

When Gu Zhen heard Zhu Shinian was only sticking up for Jiang Huaiyan, the knot in Gu Zhen's stomach instantly loosened.

"You have no idea how bad it is," Gu Zhen explained to him. "Do you remember He An? The former field medic from the Arctic Wolf Squad? He's with me. He says even during the 20th District's secession, it wasn't this bad."

"The 20th District... secession?" Zhu Shinian was taken aback. He had no idea about such a thing.

"You didn't know?" Gu Zhen found it strange. "When the 20th District split off, there were large-scale protests every day, disrupting people's normal lives. Gradually, the situation got out of control. The high command of the military deployed the Arctic Wolf Squad. Later, when it came time to settle accounts, they decided that Tao Juan had colluded with the enemy and betrayed the country, trying to make things worse so he could then take control and claim credit from the high command. They made him kneel publicly and apologize to the people."

"I figured you knew, which is why you were so sure Tao Juan was framed."

"All I knew was they accused my teacher of treason. I never believed it."

"...The Empire's media is definitely controlled by a few people. Easy to cover up anything they want," Gu Zhen thought for a moment and said. "...Did anyone give you a hard time?"

"No, I didn't. I just think... I could handle the riot situation for you. Mr. Jiang, he..."

"Zhu Shinian," Gu Zhen said, losing patience, "yesterday you said you didn't want to see me engaged to someone else, and today you're pushing me to go back? You're really baffling."

"If I weren't disgusted by him and didn't want to be engaged to him, I wouldn't have taken on this lousy riot-handling job. Don't even think about it. You have no family background or connections. Do you want to be the second Tao Juan?"

"Major General, but..."

"If you're calling just to say this, I'm hanging up. I'll talk to Grandpa later. Someone has to handle this. If I don't, probably no one will. He knows what's important; he won't blame me."

"Major General, I, I have something else..."

"The marked omega's body made him instinctively crave the other's embrace, comfort, and pheromones, but when he woke up in the morning, Gu Zhen was long gone."

"Beneath him were fresh new sheets, and even the chance to glean a scant trace of pheromones from the bedding, Gu Zhen stingily denied him."

"But asking the other for clothes soaked in pheromones, or begging him to come back early—that was too hard for Zhu Shinian to voice."

"It was as if he were genuinely begging for intimacy."

"He wished Gu Zhen would voluntarily promise to come back early, or let him into his room, but Gu Zhen said nothing."

"After a subordinate asked him another question, he finally lost patience and asked Zhu Shinian if there was anything else."

"I..."

"Zhu Shinian stammered but couldn't bring himself to say it. Gu Zhen couldn't bear to yell at him, so he waited patiently for him to finish."

""Major General, Lieutenant Lu just called me. He said he still doesn't dare to go on stage and hold the ceremony with Mr. Jiang on your behalf," Chen Yueming really didn't want to incur Gu Zhen's displeasure at this moment, but he had to report it, so he whispered in Gu Zhen's other ear, "He feels like it would be cuckolding you, kind of awkward, and he's afraid you'll hold a grudge and make things difficult for him later.""

"Gu Zhen's heart rate spiked with anger at his old comrades' behavior. First, he didn't know what Zhu Shinian was hemming and hawing about. Second, he didn't know why Chen Yueming had to report such a trivial matter—if Lu Qingyuan was unwilling, couldn't they just find someone else? Third, he didn't know what that idiot Lu Qingyuan was so afraid of. If he truly cared about Jiang Huaiyan, would he have left him behind and let the wedding proceed normally?"

""Alright," he took a deep breath, moved the communicator away, and said to Chen Yueming beside him, "Let Jiang Huaiyan find his own alpha. Anyone, I don't care who, can replace me. As long as he doesn't mind, I won't mind either. I won't make trouble for him.""

""I'm really busy, as you can see," he said somewhat helplessly to Zhu Shinian, "If you have something to say, can you text me later?""

"Zhu Shinian apparently realized this as well and apologized several times before hanging up."

"He didn't go to breakfast. His stomach felt empty and uncomfortable, but the thought of breakfast made him nauseous."

"After his first real marking in life, with no comfort, no pheromones, affected by omega heat's emotional effects, Zhu Shinian felt like crying."

"He buried his head between the pillow and sheets, trying to sniff out any lingering alpha pheromones."

"Gone, not a trace..."

"Zhu Shinian's nose prickled; he didn't know why Gu Zhen treated him like this."

"Maybe, maybe he really hated omegas, especially ones in heat."

""Mr. Zhu, are you in there?" The butler's voice came from outside the door. Zhu Shinian recognized him; since he first visited the Gu residence, this middle-aged male beta had been the Gu family's butler."

"The butler had keys to all the guest rooms in the estate. If he came to find Zhu Shinian, it must be on Marshal Gu's instructions. Even if Zhu Shinian didn't open the door, he could definitely use the key to come in."

""I'm here. Please wait a moment." Zhu Shinian propped up his sore body to open the door."

"Although there were no injuries, after a night like that, he could barely make his walk look normal."

""This is the suit Mr. Gu was originally supposed to wear at today's engagement ceremony.""

"The butler handed Zhu Shinian a tray with the white suit on it."

"Zhu Shinian recognized the suit. He had personally chosen it for Gu Zhen and Jiang Huaiyan."

"On the day of the suit fitting, Gu Zhen wasn't present. The Gu family had picked an adjutant of similar build to try on the suit in their place."

"Zhu Shinian remembered that the adjutant replacing Gu Zhen was named Lu Qingyuan. He even looked a bit like Gu Zhen. When he came out in the suit, Zhu Shinian was dazed, as if he saw Gu Zhen in a wedding suit standing with Jiang Huaiyan."

""This is...?""

"Sigh," the usually capable butler sighed with rare helplessness, "Lieutenant Lu feels it's inappropriate to go on stage and hold the ceremony in place of the young master with Young Master Jiang. He's afraid the young master will mind it later, so he doesn't dare. The young master told Young Master Jiang to pick anyone. Young Master Jiang said to let you do it, since you've been with the young master for a long time, the young master certainly won't get angry with you easily.""

""Originally, Lieutenant Lu was really suitable. He has a similar build to the young master, so the clothes don't need altering. But he's too timid, always feeling like he'd offend the young master, and he absolutely refuses to change into the suit.""

"Zhu Shinian knew very well that Gu Zhen was not someone who changed his mind on a whim or was moody. He actually wouldn't get angry at someone for obeying his decisions. By his nature, it was those who disrupted his plans who would make him angry."

"Lu Qingyuan must have been very afraid of offending Gu Zhen to have acted like this. He met him briefly at the suit shop that day. He was a very introverted, young kid, only eighteen years old, from District 25."

"Zhu Shinian couldn't bring himself to blame such a person, nor could he completely ignore him."

"He could only nod and agree to Jiang Huaiyan's proposal as the butler had conveyed."

""We really have to thank Mr. Zhu for your help. I'll go alter the suit right away and bring it to you in ten minutes." The butler smiled gratefully, took the tray with the suit, and quickly left."

"Zhu Shinian took out a nutrient supplement from his bag. After drinking it, the empty feeling in his stomach eased a bit. He checked his suppressant patch to ensure no pheromones would leak out."

"Now if any pheromones leaked, it would be more than just impolite."

"After the heat subsided, aside from exhaustion, a newly marked omega's body didn't feel significantly different from before. While the butler was away altering the suit, Zhu Shinian searched online about this situation."

"The internet said that for those who presented after age twenty, if their original pheromone level was high, the level would carry over after presentation. Simply put, secondary differentiation didn't have much impact on physical fitness aside from gender."

"He continued browsing and found several news articles about people who presented after twenty and disguised themselves as their original secondary gender. There was one about someone who presented as an omega but continued pretending to be an alpha at an all-alpha aristocratic academy, was eventually discovered and sent home. Another about an omega who presented as an alpha but continued pretending to be an omega to sign up for omega-division sports competitions to win medals."

"Zhu Shinian had no particular opinion on these news stories, but he keenly picked up one piece of information: after secondary differentiation, it was possible to disguise as one's original gender without being discovered."

"The protagonists in these news articles had all disguised themselves for at least several months before being exposed, either by confiding in someone they trusted or by accident."

"If Zhu Shinian was careful, perhaps he could keep pretending to be an alpha without being discovered."

""Mr. Zhu," the butler knocked on the door, "the suit is altered. Please change quickly; we need to rehearse.""

"Zhu Shinian responded, quickly deleted his browsing history, turned off the computer, and opened the door for the butler."

"The suit was altered at the last minute. Although it fit, it didn't have that haute couture effect. Or perhaps Zhu Shinian inherently lacked Gu Zhen's noble temperament; no matter how luxurious the clothes, they were probably wasted on him."

"Jiang Huaiyan wasn't there either. The sudden riot in the capital probably kept him busy coordinating. Zhu Shinian rehearsed once with the adjutant replacing Jiang Huaiyan."

"The suppressant patch used by the adjutant replacing Jiang Huaiyan was a bit old, and some pheromones accidentally leaked out. A body that had been marked during heat instinctively rejected other alphas' pheromones. When the alpha approached, Zhu Shinian resisted strongly."

""Sorry, sorry, Colonel Zhu," sensing Zhu Shinian's discomfort, the adjutant panicked a bit, "My suppressant patch is a bit old. I'll go change it immediately.""

""No need," Jiang Huaiyan walked over from a distance and said to the adjutant in a clear voice, "You go about your business. I'm done and back.""

""Xiao Yan, did everything go smoothly?" Jiang Huaiyan's father, Jiang Mingyuan, asked."

"Jiang Mingyuan was sitting in the main seat below the stage. Jiang Huaiyan unapologetically pulled out the chair next to him that originally belonged to Marshal Gu and sat down: "Not well. This time there really seems to be foreign involvement. It's very organized and planned.""

""Regardless, let's finish the engagement banquet first," Jiang Huaiyan said calmly, with a rarely seen hurried or flustered expression on his face, "Once the engagement banquet is done, many things can be settled.""

“Xiao Zhu, go back to your room and rest first,” he said, offering a gentle smile toward Zhu Shinian, as if only just realizing he was still there. “You must be tired from standing so long. I’ll call you before the engagement ceremony officially begins.”

By the time he saw Jiang Huaiyan again, Zhu Shinian almost didn’t know how to face him.

The night before the engagement banquet of Jiang Huaiyan and his fiancé, Zhu Shinian had shamelessly, with no decency at all, pleaded that same fiancé—his own—not to leave, to stay and mark him.

“Are you tired?” Noticing how pale Zhu Shinian looked, Jiang Huaiyan rose from his chair, as if planning to walk over.

“I’m fine... Maybe I am a bit tired,” Zhu Shinian instinctively stepped back, nearly fleeing. “I’ll go to my room and rest for a bit.”

Jiang Huaiyan didn’t come after him to check on him anymore. Nearly drowning in guilt and shame, Zhu Shinian escaped to his room and lay on the bed, barely getting through the hours before the engagement ceremony officially began.

The chaos in the capital didn’t seem to affect any of the guests at the Gu family estate. Jiang Huaiyan greeted them with grace, accepting their congratulations and good wishes.

Even Zhu Shinian, who hadn’t yet gone on stage, was well taken care of by him. Jiang Huaiyan’s personal assistant occasionally brought over a fine dish for Zhu Shinian to taste.

The elaborate rituals that the Gu family had asked Zhu Shinian to arrange were streamlined and largely cut out by Jiang Huaiyan. The banquet hall of the estate left both hosts and guests delighted, and soon it was time for the ring exchange.

The rings were placed on a velvet tray, their dazzling sparkle visible even from the stage more than ten meters away.

“Xiao Zhu, don’t be nervous. Just follow me.”

Jiang Huaiyan wore a white tailcoat almost identical to Zhu Shinian’s, looking distinguished and handsome—hardly anyone could resist a second glance.

Despite the crushing guilt and self-loathing he felt, Zhu Shinian had no choice but to push those feelings aside and complete the ceremony with Jiang Huaiyan.

Following the host’s cues, Zhu Shinian and Jiang Huaiyan stepped forward at the same time.

The moment they got close, Zhu Shinian’s body suddenly stiffened.

A familiar, cold scent of conifers surged up, enveloping Zhu Shinian instantly.

The pheromones of cedarwood...

I like it...

I like it so much.

This is my alpha. Every organ in Zhu Shinian’s body seemed to scream this.

He wanted to be embraced by him, kissed by him, possessed by him.

Jiang Huaiyan gently took his hand and helped him put on the ring.

The moment their skin touched, Zhu Shinian used every bit of his willpower to keep from throwing himself into that man’s arms in front of everyone, like a dog in heat, begging him to hold him and kiss him.

But Jiang Huaiyan seemed to enjoy the process of putting the ring on him. He lifted Zhu Shinian’s hand reverently and slowly pushed the ring onto his finger, as if afraid of hurting him.

Warm, dry, slender and fair fingers with thin calluses—Zhu Shinian would never mistake them. These were the very hands...

“There's a little bug... help me...”

“Please, I'm begging you, okay? I feel so bad... hold me, why won’t you hold me...”

“I was using both hands to help you, silly wife. Do I have four hands, huh?”

Even though it was such a sacred scene, it felt to Zhu Shinian like a long, cruel ordeal of sexual torment. After putting the ring on him, Jiang Huaiyan even slightly lowered his head, as if wanting to kiss the back of his hand in public.

Zhu Shinian instinctively wanted to tremble. If that actually happened, he had no idea what would happen.

Fortunately, Jiang Huaiyan didn’t go through with it. But he didn’t let Zhu Shinian off easily either. He briefly held Zhu Shinian’s hand and gently stroked the ring finger he had just placed the ring on.

“Now, it’s Xiao Zhu’s turn to put the ring on me.”

Author's note: