Chapter 75 Not Staying

Chapter 75: Not Staying

A sharp, tearing pain in his lower abdomen made Zhu Shinian's entire body tremble.

Why did it suddenly hurt so much?

Why would his brother be here? Was it just a hallucination from the pain?

But the faint scent of snow cedar in Jiang Huaiyan's arms was real.

His clothes were all stained with my blood too.

Zhu Shinian looked blankly at the bright red bloodstains on Jiang Huaiyan's sleeve, thinking sluggishly.

Would a hallucination have such realistic details?

A warmth between his legs—it seemed more blood had flowed. The blood wasn't completely dry yet, and the area beneath him felt wet and sticky, very uncomfortable.

His lower abdomen hurt so much.

Zhu Shinian bit his lip, suppressing any groan.

...It hurts so much.

Cold sweat dripped from his pale forehead. His eyes were tightly shut from the pain, and his whole body trembled slightly.

His mind went blank from the agony. Zhu Shinian didn't even know when he passed out.

Before he fainted, he heard Jiang Huaiyan shout something, but his brain could no longer turn the sounds he heard into language he could understand.

The Jiang Huaiyan he knew would almost never lose his composure like this.

That voice seemed to belong to the memory of nineteen-year-old Zhu Cheng.

With his brother here, he didn't have to worry about anything.

Zhu Shinian suddenly wasn't afraid anymore.

He inexplicably knew that he would be fine, that he wouldn't die.

If his brother was with him, even death wouldn't be so frightening.

......

When Zhu Shinian woke up again, he could tell at a glance that he was no longer at the frontline camp.

Jiang Huaiyan wasn't by his side, as if the person he saw before passing out and the scent of snow cedar pheromones had all been just a hallucination.

Zhu Shinian stared blankly at the ceiling, his mind empty.

About a minute later, the ward door clicked softly, and Jiang Huaiyan pushed it open, followed by a doctor in her forties.

"This is the 29th District Central Hospital. How are you feeling now?"

This was the 29th District. Zhu Shinian belatedly realized he had returned to the rear.

"How is the front line?" Zhu Shinian sat up instinctively, looking at Jiang Huaiyan, and blurted out.

Before he passed out from the pain, he had finished writing the battle plan. He didn't know if the adjutant had put it away to give to the deputy commander. The situation on the front line couldn't afford a moment's delay.

Jiang Huaiyan moved quickly and gently pressed down on his shoulder.

"Stay lying down."

"The front line is with the deputy commander. Everything is proceeding according to the original plan, and the advance is going smoothly. First, answer the doctor's questions properly. The doctor is asking how you feel now, if there's any discomfort."

"I'm fine," Zhu Shinian obediently followed Jiang Huaiyan's instructions and answered immediately. "No discomfort. Doctor, what happened to me yesterday...? Suddenly my stomach hurt terribly."

"It was a threatened miscarriage caused by overexertion," the doctor replied. She was an omega in her forties, her tone calm and professional.

"But the baby is safe," she handed over a piece of paper covered in small print. "You're very lucky. This child is strong and healthy. This is your report. Would you like to see it?"

"...Baby?"

Zhu Shinian repeated blankly.

"Yes. You can notify your alpha now."

"This is the HCG and progesterone," the doctor explained, using a pen to point at a few important indicators, afraid Zhu Shinian wouldn't understand the professional medical terms. "These are used to assess embryo development. This value shows that the embryo is developing very well and is very healthy."

"This is the complete blood count. Your platelet count is a bit dangerous, but your family member just told me," the doctor glanced at Jiang Huaiyan, "that you have some external injuries. If there are external injuries, this indicator is within normal range."

"This is the baby's ultrasound report..." The doctor paused. "Do you and your alpha prefer a boy or a girl?"

Zhu Shinian was silent for a moment, not answering right away.

He and his alpha... had never even considered the birth of this child.

"Either... is fine."

"Indeed," the doctor smiled. "Boys and girls are the same. It wouldn't be good if you hoped for a boy and got a girl, or hoped for a girl and got a boy."

"I've already discussed some dietary recommendations and restrictions with your family member. You're in good health, so you can eat pretty much anything you want. Don't worry too much about these things. Just eat enough and eat nutritiously."

Zhu Shinian nodded dazedly. The doctor's voice seemed far, far away.

He was pregnant.

Pregnant with Gu Zhen's child.

"If there's nothing else, I'll go see other patients. Call me if you need anything."

"Doctor," Jiang Huaiyan's voice cut in. "I'd like to ask, if we don't want this child, what effect would that have on his body?"

Zhu Shinian snapped back to reality and turned to look at Jiang Huaiyan and the doctor.

Jiang Huaiyan's expression was calm and composed, betraying no particular emotion. The doctor was momentarily startled, as if surprised.

"Abortion naturally has an impact on the body. Especially since Mr. Zhu differentiated late and his reproductive cavity was originally underdeveloped. If he aborts this child now, it will be very difficult for him to have another child."

"If you want to have an abortion, you should decide as soon as possible. The later the pregnancy, the more dangerous it is. It's already thirteen weeks now. The later the procedure, the greater the physical damage."

"Alright, thank you, doctor. Please go ahead. We'll think it over."

The ward door closed behind the doctor, and silence returned to the room. By the time Zhu Shinian realized it, his hand had already unconsciously rested on his lower abdomen.

It was a protective gesture.

Now, a young life, connected to him by blood, lived there.

"Want to keep it?" Noticing his movement, Jiang Huaiyan asked.

"You... actually kinda like kids, don't you?"

The first time Jiang Huaiyan saw Zhu Shinian after losing his memory, he had rescued a child trapped under rubble during the aftershocks in Saint Gallen.

Back then, Jiang Huaiyan had chewed him out for being stupid, called him foolish for disobeying orders and risking his own life to save a stranger's kid.

"Keep it. I'll raise it with you. Having a kid that's blood-related to you—there's nothing wrong with that, and besides..."

"...Let's not keep it," Zhu Shinian said softly.

He pressed his hand to his belly, like he was trying to block out those words, to keep the child inside from hearing.

I'm sorry.

...I'm sorry.

Jiang Huaiyan froze too.

"Is it because... you hate Gu Zhen? Then get rid of it. Whatever decision you make, I'll support you."

Zhu Shinian shook his head.

"I don't hate Gu Zhen. There's nothing wrong with him. When I went back to the Resistance Zone, he let me go even though it meant he'd be punished. All those years in the capital, he took care of me."

Gu Zhen had been good to him. Gu Zhen did everything he possibly could to be good to him.

Zhu Shinian didn't hate Gu Zhen. He'd liked him.

Probably even loved him.

It had been over three months since Zhu Shinian's last heat.

This child had been inside him for over three months.

Except for yesterday, the baby hadn't kicked up a fuss even once in those three months. Never once made him ache.

The baby was good, considerate, always thinking of him.

But...

But the war had taken so many lives. Countless soldiers were wounded, died, or never came back every single day.

Zhu Shinian was selfish, slow, ambitionless, short-sighted. He only wanted to protect his small family. But even so, he couldn't hole up in the safe Twenty-ninth Zone while soldiers on the front lines got killed and fought tooth and nail.

"It's okay if I never have kids again," Zhu Shinian said, not sure if he was comforting himself or Jiang Huaiyan. "So many people died in the war, lots of kids are orphans now. If I want a kid, I can just adopt one."

"Those soldiers died because of me in the first place."

"Bullshit." Jiang Huaiyan listened quietly, only speaking up at the end to refute him.

"How could it be because of you? If you weren't the commander, someone else would be. Someone else might've caused even more casualties. You never torture prisoners of war, you spared their lives without a second thought the moment they surrendered. How could they have died because of you? You've saved so many more."

A faint smile flickered across Zhu Shinian's pale face, tinged with exhaustion.

It didn't seem like genuine relief from Jiang Huaiyan's words, only like he didn't want Jiang Huaiyan's efforts to go to waste, forcing his tired, sad body to give him some kind of response.

"Keep it if you want, and if not, get rid of it. Pregnancy is hard, and childbirth is painful. Think it over some more—no need to decide right away."

Zhu Shinian shook his head.

"No need to think it over anymore, brother. I've already... decided."

A frail, hollow smile pressed onto his pale face. "I'm actually pretty scared of pain too. Giving birth must hurt a lot, and there'll be so much blood, tons of it."

"Didn't the doctor say to decide early? The later you leave it, the worse it is for your body. And I'll need time to recover after surgery. See if we can... get it done today."

When Zhu Shinian said these words, his voice was so strained and unnatural, like he could barely breathe from the weight of it.

He wanted to lower his head, but instead, he looked away as if fleeing the scene, landing on the B-ultrasound photo of the fetus.

*You're very lucky—this baby is strong and healthy.* The doctor's words played back in his mind like a recording stuck on repeat.

Zhu Shinian averted his eyes again, fleeing once more.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Can't hear it, can't hear it.

I'm not giving you up because you're not good enough.

Go find other parents in your next life. It's me—I'm too useless to make you happy.

"I'm not keeping it," he murmured again, repeating himself.

This baby was never wanted, and it won't be born wanted.

Even if I had it, it wouldn't be fair to it, would it?

He deserves to be loved and cared for by a complete, loving family, growing up strong like a little calf.

Not born into Zhu Shinian's belly, following him through wind and rain, born without a father on the other side.

I'm sorry.

Author's note: