Chapter 48 Don’t Let Fate Find You

Chapter 48: Don't Let Fate Find You

December 6th, Sunny, snow melted. The weather in the capital was nice today, but I had a slight headache.

December 7th, Sunny. The madam had the cook (an older woman) make me a nutritious meal. Today's nutritious meal was delicious, I had more than one serving, and I felt a lot better.

December 10th, Rainy today. I felt a little better. I asked the madam if there was any way I could help around the house. I'm pretty strong; I could cook or learn to prune the plants. The madam said it was fine, I didn't need to do anything for now, and to rest well first.

December 13th, Sunny. Today the madam invited a doctor to give me a check-up. The doctor said I've fully recovered. He said my blood type is compatible with the young master's and could help him get better. The madam asked if I was willing to stay. Of course I was.

Getting blood drawn doesn't hurt much—about the same as a mosquito bite. The madam saved me; this is the least I can do.

Someone like me, with no ID and no memory of who I am, if the madam hadn't been kind enough to take me in, I'd probably have frozen to death on the streets. Being able to help the young master—that would be for the best.

January 2nd, Cloudy. Today I saw the young master for the first time. He's my age and has a bit of a temper, probably because he's been stuck at home sick. But he seems to be in good spirits. I hope he gets better soon.

January 3rd, Overcast. I saw the young master's private tutor. I eavesdropped outside the door for a bit. The young master asked me to do his homework for him. I promised not to tell the madam or the tutor.

January 12th, Snowing. The madam somehow found out I'd done the young master's homework. The young master was very angry, but I really didn't rat him out.

January 15th, Snow. The madam let me sit in on the young master's lessons, as long as I check his homework each day. The madam is so kind to me.

.......

March 6th, Sunny. Spring has come. The sun felt great. I wanted to go for a walk. The madam allowed me to go shopping with the butler. But I was too weak; I got tired after walking a little. Luckily, the butler gave me a piece of candy.

While out shopping, I saw a tie that looked kind of familiar. I don't know why, but I felt like it must have been important to me, that I had to buy it. The butler said maybe an omega I used to be with gave me a similar one.

I don't think so. I also hope I never knew any omega in the past. If someone is still waiting for me, that would be way too unfair to them.

I really want to know who I used to be, if I had important people, and if they are still waiting for me. But the madam is already trying hard to find my family. I can't cause them more trouble.

Even if I find my family, I think I'll still stay here until the young master recovers. The madam saved me; this is what I should do.

My head hurts. I'll stop writing for today.

.......

August 11th, I passed out while they were drawing blood. I'm so sorry to the madam for not even being able to handle something so simple. Now that the young master's treatment is at a critical stage, I'm dropping the ball.

August 19th, Rainy. Last night I dreamed that when I was little, an older relative carried me outside to play, speaking to me so gently.

I think it wasn't my family who kicked me out. When the madam found me, I was already sixteen. At sixteen, I could've started working to help support the family. If they wanted to abandon me, they would have done so much earlier, and they wouldn't have come all the way to the capital just to leave me.

They must have cared about me. It wasn't that they didn't want me or deliberately abandoned me.

I hope the young master can get better soon.

Once the young master is well, I'll go back and find them.

.......

September 19th, It seems I can't have blood drawn again today. I made the doctor come for nothing. The madam didn't say anything, but I know she must be disappointed.

There was a military parade on TV. The commander of this parade is two years younger than me. Impressive.

........

January 22nd, Sunny. I'm very happy today because the doctor said the young master will get better soon. Just one more course of treatment and it's almost done. I'm really happy for him.

January 31st, Sunny. I feel very sorry for the madam. I passed out again while they were drawing blood today.

February 1st, Cloudy. The madam said we're going to the villa in the suburbs the day after tomorrow for a vacation and asked if I wanted to go. The madam is really good to me, but I said I'd rather not. My head is too dizzy. I don't want to spoil the madam's and the young master's fun.

February 2nd, Sunny. The sun is beautiful today. The madam still insisted I go to the villa. She said I was the hero for the young master's recovery, and the celebration couldn't be without me. The madam is so good to me.

The young master is well. That's wonderful.

Now that the young master is better and I've repaid the madam's kindness, I will be free.

........

The handwriting in the diary was familiar yet unfamiliar. Although he had only had a few years of schooling, his brother's handwriting was very neat. Zhu Shinian recognized it as his at a glance.

But the familiar handwriting sometimes became sloppy and trembling. Zhu Shinian knew best when a person's handwriting would become like that—when he had practiced shooting all day and his hands had no strength left, unable to even hold a pen, he would write such words.

"How could you trick him like this..."

How could they drain his own blood, steal his own memories, and exploit his conscience and gratitude to deceive him like this, use him...

And then kill him in the end.

Zhu Shinian heard Jiang Huaiyan say "I'm sorry." He closed the diary and carefully put it away, as if treasuring something precious.

So his brother had watched his military parade after all, through a liquid crystal screen, they had glimpsed each other from afar.

When the eighteen-year-old Zhu Shinian commanded the parade, brimming with pride and confidence, his brother had just passed out from having too much blood drawn.

It turned out that was actually the most useless and powerless moment of Zhu Shinian's life.

Jiang Huaiyan also brought other things of his brother's: only two or three pieces of clothing for each season, all of the servant's uniform style. If they didn't get a single sunny day, he'd probably run out of clean clothes.

His brother was such a fool. Even after all this, he still thought Ning Ye was good to him.

His brother used to be so sharp. When Zhu Shinian got an apple at school that was much smaller than the others during a holiday, he had been furious and wanted to argue with the teacher.

There were also his notebooks and books he had read. The notebooks had neat handwriting, filled with carefully organized middle school knowledge points.

His brother also wanted to go to school, Zhu Shinian had always known that. He had started working early for Zhu Shinian's sake.

That book was very old. It seemed to have been soaked in water and then dried. It must have been given to him by someone who didn't want it anymore.

"Don't stay here," said the page where the bookmark was placed. "Come back with me to when we were 18, hide under the azalea bushes, don't let fate find us."

Zhu Shinian broke down crying.

"Zhu Shinian, can you tell me about him?" Jiang Huaiyan hesitated before speaking. "What kind of person was he before? What was his name, what did he like, what didn't he like, and what wishes were left unfulfilled..."

"I should remember him, but I never really knew him."

Zhu Shinian looked at him, wondering how Jiang Huaiyan could still say such things.

Was being remembered by Jiang Huaiyan such a valuable thing? The way he said it, it sounded like some great honor or blessing.

He should have disappeared, disappeared in that fire three years ago.

...He should have died. Zhu Shinian thought viciously.

"What about the rest of your family? Besides you and your grandmother, your parents—are they in District 26?"

"They're dead." Zhu Shinian looked at him and answered word by word.

"Both his fathers are dead. One died in a mine contracted by your noblemen in the capital. The other was killed on the spot when he went to the capital to seek justice—they treated him like a troublemaker."

"His whole family died because of people like you people. My father died the same way."

"...Mr. Jiang probably thinks I'm just inherently low, an alpha crawling into Gu Zhen's bed, without any manners or dignity at all."

"I don't think that." Even though he knew whatever he said wouldn't make a difference now, Jiang Huaiyan quickly denied it. "I never... thought of you that way."

Zhu Shinian seldom had such moments in his life when he spoke recklessly, complained about fate and hated others, as if the person across from him owed him those five lives.

Everyone who knew Zhu Shinian thought he was gentle and easygoing, like wild grass that bends when the wind blows, turns to ashes when burned, and struggles to regrow from its underground roots the next year.

He rarely argued with anyone, and when wronged, he would silently take it on the chin, as if he could never get angry.

He had always been very optimistic. Although he wasn't a little ray of sunshine every day, Zhu Shinian was a pragmatist. No matter how bad things got, instead of complaining, he'd first try to fix the problem and make things better.

Since things were already like this, what was the point of complaining and hating?

But now, Zhu Shinian, just like what he hated most, was blaming fate and hating Jiang Huaiyan, hating everything.

Realizing that he shouldn't continue like this, Zhu Shinian turned his head away, avoiding Jiang Huaiyan's burning gaze, and composed himself.

Thinking of his brother, Zhu Shinian felt a sharp ache in his chest, as if it were on fire. It hurt so much that even breathing hurt.

The doctor had advised him not to get too emotional. Zhu Shinian knew he'd probably given the doctor more trouble.

“...Sorry, I shouldn't have said those things. I'm a bit emotional. Thank you, Mr. Jiang, for bringing these things to me. I'm very grateful.” Zhu Shinian said, trying to calm down.

He sat up in his hospital gown, leaned over, and crouched down to put the things he had just looked through back into the box one by one in the same order Jiang Huaiyan had brought them in.

Jiang Huaiyan looked down. The loose blue-and-white striped hospital gown made Zhu Shinian's body look even paler and thinner. Jiang Huaiyan leaned over to help him, but Zhu Shinian weakly pushed him away.

He put the items neatly back in place and closed the lid. Zhu Shinian did not stand up immediately; he lowered his head and quickly wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.

Jiang Huaiyan looked at him, as if wanting to say something, but he hesitated and stopped.

Author's note: