Chapter 12: The Festering Wound That Never Heals

Chapter 12: The Festering Wound That Never Heals

Xu Moxing sat in his wheelchair, staring at the door for a few moments.

Su Lichen was cleaning up the dishes beside him, saying nothing.

After a while, Xu Moxing suddenly asked, "Does my sister have something she wants to tell you?"

Without pausing his movements, Su Lichen said, "I don't think so. I rarely contact your sister."

Xu Moxing looked at him.

Su Lichen carried the bowls into the kitchen.

Xu Moxing sat alone in the living room.

He remembered the way his sister looked at him earlier, recalled her words, "Put yourself first. It's okay to be a little selfish," and also thought about the look she gave Su Lichen.

In the evening, after Su Lichen gave him a sponge bath, he lifted him into bed.

Xu Moxing lay there, watching Su Lichen from behind as he cleaned up, and suddenly spoke:

"A Li."

Su Lichen turned around.

"What did my sister say to you today?"

Su Lichen paused.

"Nothing."

"The way she looked at you was off."

Su Lichen didn't respond.

Xu Moxing waited a few seconds, received no answer, and asked again, "Did we... have some problems before?"

Su Lichen looked at him.

Only a single bedside lamp was on in the bedroom, casting a dim yellow glow that made it hard to make out their expressions.

"Why do you ask?" Su Lichen said.

Xu Moxing thought for a moment. "I don't know. It's just a feeling... When the two of you were talking today, it seemed like there was something I didn't know."

Xu Moxing added, "That's not quite accurate either. I really have lost my memory, so there's a lot I don't know, but I feel like you guys are hiding something from me."

Su Lichen was silent for a while.

Then he walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Your sister..." he said, "she's never really liked me."

Xu Moxing was startled. "Why?"

"She thinks I'm not good enough for you," Su Lichen looked at him. "She's concerned about what happened before."

Xu Moxing thought for a long while. "So, are you good to me?"

Su Lichen didn't answer.

He looked into Xu Moxing's eyes, his gaze so deep that it was hard to read.

"What do you think?" he asked.

Xu Moxing thought for a moment and nodded. "I think you're pretty good to me."

Without a word, Su Lichen reached out and brushed aside the hair on Xu Moxing's forehead.

His touch was so gentle, as if afraid of breaking something.

"That's good," he said.

Then he stood up. "Go to sleep."

The lamp was turned off.

In the darkness, Xu Moxing lay there with his eyes open.

They kept talking in code, and it made him feel weird.

He heard Su Lichen lie down next to him.

After a moment, Xu Moxing's voice came out of the dark:

"A Li."

"Hm?"

"Did the doctor say how likely it is I'll get my memory back?"

"He only said to monitor closely, that the brain is too complex to be certain—maybe it'll return, maybe it'll stay this way forever."

"I see. Actually, I really want to remember it all, so I can remember the happy times we've had these five years, and also so that after my foot heals, I can have an easier time finding a job. Otherwise, I always feel like I'm falling behind you. I'm 27 years old, but my mind is still 22, without any work experience."

Xu Moxing was honestly a little anxious—not just because they seemed to be hiding something from him, but more because he was anxious about getting by.

Su Lichen said:

"Take it easy. Just act like you're 22. Explain a little, and some company is bound to understand. I'll help you out too. For now, just focus on getting better."

"Mm... thank you, A Li. I don't know what I'd do without you, A Li."

"Go to sleep."

"Goodnight."

Xu Moxing didn't hear Su Lichen say "goodnight" back as he drifted off to sleep, but half asleep, he heard Su Lichen whisper, "I love you. I'm sorry. Goodnight."

Xu Moxing dreamed again.

In the dream, his job made him miserable, but he didn't dare to leave, always thinking it'd be the same at another company—better the devil you know—so he kept lying to himself, dreading going to work every day.

To make matters worse, his mother got sick and needed money for treatment, so Xu Moxing was even more terrified to quit.

In the dream, Xu Moxing remembered his old life.

Xu Moxing had a profound understanding of the consequences of having no money.

Because that's how he lived before he started making money.

So after he began working, he became especially fond of saving money, pinching every penny, and only felt secure when he had savings.

He saw many people nowadays always saying they miss their school days, but the Xu Moxing in his dream never thought of going back to his student years, even though work was so painful.

Because he was terrified of poverty. Work was painful, but it paid money, so he'd rather work.

True poverty is having neither love nor money, and every semester, arguments would break out over a high school tuition fee of just a thousand or two.

As Xu Moxing got older, his father stopped beating his mother in front of him and started doing it behind his back.

When she was being beaten, his mother wouldn't dare make a sound, and afterward she'd go crying to Xu Moxing.

When Xu Moxing went to confront his father, his mother would hold him back, saying, "How can you hit your father? He's your father. No matter what, you can't hit him."

The most suffocating thing about this family was that it wasn't all bad. Even if they had simply refused to let Xu Moxing go to school outright, that would be one thing—but they didn't.

Through hitting, arguing, belittling, and emotional control, the parents would ultimately let the child continue studying, but they constantly instilled a sense of guilt in the child.

It wasn't the worst, but neither did it have much love.

It gave you the bare minimum: keeping you alive and letting you go to school.

But at the same time, it kept taking other things away from the child: emotional freedom, intellectual autonomy, and the warm image of 'home' that should have existed.

This pattern of 'give a little, take a lot' was what truly tortured people.

Because it left the child forever stuck in a place where they could neither completely hate nor completely love.

They raised the child, but they constantly tightly controlled the child's emotions and thoughts, treating the child like a toy.

They toyed with the child, making it impossible to fully cut emotional ties with the family even after achieving financial independence.

This was the root of Xu Moxing's pain.

This family pattern didn't stop when Xu Moxing and Xu Jianqing were still financially dependent; even now that the two siblings send monthly living expenses back home, their parents still tried to control them through various means.

After all these years, the living environment had changed, the family's conditions had improved, but the parents' thinking hadn't changed—nor had their behavior patterns.

Especially every year when it was time to go home—wanting to go yet not wanting to—that was the most torturous.

It's like having a benign tumor that can't be removed, embedded in your bones and thoughts, making you suffer with no way out.

Sometimes being purely bad isn't the worst; it's the in-between that's the most torturous.

This is mental torture, making you feel like you can't live and you can't die.

You can't get warmth from your family, and you can't get freedom from them either.

Year after year, you repeat the cycle of 'want to go back, don't want to go back,' each time feeling like you're being roasted over a fire.

Xu Jianqing chose to become ruthless and strong.

Xu Moxing couldn't do that, so he stayed trapped.

Xu Moxing didn't know what to do, and his negativity kept piling on.

In his dream, Xu Moxing went home and wanted to talk to Su Lichen. 'A Li, let me tell you, today I…'

Su Lichen, looking at his phone and dealing with work, responded, "Mm, mm."

Xu Moxing stopped talking. He was usually talkative, but he couldn't process these emotions. When he tried talking to Su Lichen about them, Su Lichen brushed him off.

His sister wasn't willing to listen, and he couldn't talk about these things with his friends either.

But he knew he couldn't blame anyone, because no one is supposed to—or obligated to—accept his negative emotions.

As for processing them himself—easier said than done. Just four words, but how many people go their whole lives without managing it?

Xu Moxing clearly realized that his dream self was sick. He felt that this version of himself even had hints of his mother.

That was terrifying.