Chapter 33: I Have Desires Too

Chapter 33: I Have My Desires Too

As for how much to confess, Su Lichen felt he could only play it by ear.

The memories Xu Moxing had just mentioned—the pothos, that feast, those weekends.

He remembered them all too.

When they went to sleep that night, Su Lichen clearly felt that Xu Moxing was more clingy than before.

Before, he would sneak a kiss or hold his hand, but he rarely hugged him.

Now he would snuggle up in Su Lichen's arms.

As the two lay in bed, Su Lichen was still figuring out how to confess, when Xu Moxing suddenly turned over and leaned in to kiss him.

It wasn't a gentle kiss; it was kind of... how do I say it, a purposeful kiss.

Su Lichen froze for a moment.

After kissing him, Xu Moxing looked at him, eyes bright.

"What's wrong?" Su Lichen asked.

Xu Moxing shook his head. "Nothing, I just felt like kissing you."

Su Lichen didn't say anything.

Xu Moxing leaned in again and kissed him.

Then he lay back down, curling up in Su Lichen's arms, and whispered, "That just reminded me, I used to do this too."

Su Lichen tightened his arms but said nothing.

Xu Moxing was remembering more and more things.

That night, after Xu Moxing fell asleep, Su Lichen stayed awake.

He stared at the ceiling, lost in thought for a long time.

The next day was the weekend. The two were snuggled up at home, watching TV.

Xu Moxing leaned against him, hugging a plush toy, laughing at the show.

Su Lichen glanced down at him.

"Mo."

Xu Moxing looked up: "Hmm?"

Su Lichen looked at him, silent for a few seconds.

"I want to ask you something."

Xu Moxing waited for the question.

Su Lichen said, "Before you lost your memories, we had a huge fight—so serious we almost broke up. If you remembered it, would you break up with me?"

Xu Moxing was taken aback.

"We had a fight?"

"Yes, we had a very serious fight, and that's why you deleted all my contact information."

Xu Moxing thought for a moment, then looked up and met Su Lichen's eyes. "Did you cheat on me?"

Su Lichen didn't look away. "No."

Xu Moxing said, "So did I cheat?"

Su Lichen had meant to stay serious, but Xu Moxing's reply made him chuckle. "No, and you didn't either."

"Then I can't imagine what kind of fight would end in a breakup."

Xu Moxing thought for a long time. With his current perspective, he found it hard to believe.

"Maybe we just didn't talk enough. You know how I am—when there's a problem, I just shut down. It must've been my fault."

Xu Moxing felt that Su Lichen was almost perfect in his eyes, while he himself had many flaws, so the fight must have been his fault.

As long as they communicated well, there was no problem they couldn't solve.

But Xu Moxing didn't yet understand that the role of communication is to express and understand, not to eliminate differences.

When two people have completely different feelings about the same thing—he thinks it's trivial but you think it's a huge deal—communication can let him know 'this is important to you,' and it can also let you know 'he really doesn't think it's a big deal.'

But communication cannot change the feelings themselves.

Feelings are real; they don't go away just because you say them out loud.

"No, I also have a lot of problems. Don't talk about yourself like that."

Su Lichen frowned. He really didn't like Xu Moxing being so self-deprecating.

Xu Moxing was touched by his words. He took Su Lichen's hand and laced their fingers together.

"Anyway, I don't think it would have led to a breakup. Maybe I was just too angry at the time."

Xu Moxing even comforted him in return.

"Don't worry so much. Maybe before the car accident I was planning to call you to make up. I think I only deleted your contact info when I was mad, since it didn't matter anyway—I have your WeChat, QQ, and phone number all memorized."

This comfort only made Su Lichen feel guiltier when he thought about what he did later.

Seeing that his attempt to comfort him wasn't working, Xu Moxing imitated Su Lichen's habit of squeezing his hand while their fingers were interlaced.

"Don't lose heart. I was badly injured, and you've taken care of me for so long. No matter how angry I was, it should've cooled down by now."

Xu Moxing pulled their interlocked hands up and kissed the back of Su Lichen's hand to comfort him.

"I'll apologize to you too, okay? I'm sure I did a lot of things wrong. Don't be angry either."

Su Lichen could only confess that much.

Su Lichen's guilt subsided a little; after confessing, he could justify his actions.

Since Xu Moxing lost his memory, Su Lichen rarely initiated a kiss, afraid that Xu Moxing, if he remembered, would feel like he'd been taken advantage of. He didn't dare to be too forward.

Now that he had "confessed," Su Lichen kissed him without hesitation.

"Mmm..."

Fortunately, Xu Moxing's foot had recovered a lot, so as long as he didn’t overdo it, he would be fine.

"A Li..."

Su Lichen pressed down and kissed him, and Xu Moxing could hardly resist.

Xu Moxing felt like Su Lichen had been holding back for a long time, like a famished wolf going after its food...

After a long while, the kiss ended, but Su Lichen didn't get up; he kept pressing him down.

Xu Moxing hugged him. In real life, he didn't like people who are too pushy, but in bed, when Su Lichen was more assertive or even intense, he felt more secure.

"So you've been holding back all this time? I was wondering why you're different than you were in college. I thought maybe after being together so long, kissing had become routine."

Su Lichen knew Xu Moxing had picked up on it, but he hadn't said anything before. Now that he had come clean, he felt he could explain.

"I was afraid you'd get angry if you got your memory back."

Xu Moxing laughed softly. "I won't be angry."

Su Lichen lay down on the big couch they had bought together and pulled Xu Moxing into his arms. "I hope you really won't be angry."

"I won't be mad. Even if I am, it won't last. Once I cool off, everything will be fine."

Xu Moxing patted him on the shoulder. "My boyfriend is so amazing and treats me so well. Why would I ever break up with you?"

Su Lichen was silent for a long time.

Xu Moxing tried to look up at him, but Su Lichen pressed his hand against the back of Xu Moxing's head, holding him still.

"A Li?"

"It's nothing," Su Lichen said from above. "I just want to hold you."

Xu Moxing smiled and lay back down obediently.

He didn't pay attention to what was still playing on TV.

He listened to the steady thump of Su Lichen's heartbeat and slowly closed his eyes.

Su Lichen held him, staring at the TV, his eyes unfocused.

Su Lichen admitted his own despicable nature; he had rationalized his behavior.

He thought to himself:

*If you ever remember, will you still think this way?*

*I'm not as good as you think. I'm a despicable person too with my own selfish desires.*

*I want to respect you, but... can you see this as what I get in return for taking care of you?*

*I want to get closer while you still look at me that way.*

*I know I might regret it in the future, but right now, I want this.*

*I know I shouldn't, but I still want it.*

*I'm taking advantage of your memory loss to have you again.*

*When you remember later, you can hate me, you can hit me, but from start to finish, you're the only one I've ever been with. I didn't cheat, there's no third person involved. But I haven't respected the person you'll become.*

*But right now, I just want to!*

*Anyway, I've come clean. When you remember someday and think about how I took care of you for so long, maybe you'll be able to forgive me.*

Su Lichen fell asleep too.