Chapter 79: The Past 7: Am I Someone Who Needs to Be Forgiven?

Chapter 79 Past 7: Am I Someone Who Needs to Be Forgiven?

Su Lichen hadn’t been waiting for Xu Moxing’s reply; he had just made a casual joke, and once the words left his mouth, it was already forgotten.

He just didn’t realize that jokes can reveal one’s true self and hidden arrogance.

But those words stuck in Xu Moxing’s heart, impossible to shake off.

The final straw was a meal.

Xu Jianqing came to Shenzhen for a business trip and said she wanted to make up for his missed birthday—they could all have dinner together after work.

“Is Brother Su free? Would you like to join us?”

Xu Moxing thought about recent events, feeling reluctant, and also afraid it might end badly.

“Nah, let’s just have it between the two of us.”

Xu Jianqing looked at her brother with a slightly disapproving look. “Let’s eat together. It won’t cost that much.”

Xu Moxing didn’t respond. Xu Jianqing eyed him suspiciously. “I’ll just message Brother Su directly and ask if he’s free. If not, then forget it.”

Su Lichen replied quickly. “Sure, I’m not busy lately.”

“See you tonight then.”

Xu Jianqing ended the conversation with Su Lichen after getting his response.

Xu Moxing’s objection meant nothing, so he had no choice but to go along with it.

They chose a restaurant Xu Moxing liked. His sister arrived first and sat by the window, with a glass of water in front of her.

When Xu Moxing walked in, she stood up and waved at him.

He walked over and sat down. Xu Jianqing handed him the menu. “See what you want to eat. What time will Brother Su be here?”

“I don’t know. He’s probably stuck in traffic, so it’ll be a while.”

On the subway, Xu Moxing thought about asking Su Lichen where he was, but ultimately, he didn’t send it.

“Let’s order first? Anyway, you know what Brother Su likes to eat.”

“Uh… maybe send him a picture of the menu, or leave a few dishes to order later.”

Xu Moxing didn’t want to make decisions for him, afraid Su Lichen would get mad at him for ordering without asking.

Xu Jianqing frowned. Xu Moxing was a straightforward person; he was really not good at hiding his feelings.

To Xu Jianqing, normally her brother and Brother Su acted really close, and her brother would share everything with Brother Su. So why was he acting so strangely today? Combined with Xu Moxing’s initial refusal to let Su Lichen join the dinner, it was obvious to her.

“Did you two have a fight?”

Xu Moxing shook his head.

Xu Jianqing kept frowning as she studied him. “Brother Su is so rational. You shouldn’t get so emotional.”

Xu Moxing lowered his eyes and didn’t argue.

Just before the food arrived, Su Lichen showed up.

Xu Jianqing saw Su Lichen and greeted him. “Brother Su, long time no see.”

“Long time no see.”

Su Lichen smiled and nodded, sitting down next to Xu Moxing.

Xu Jianqing kept picking Su Lichen’s brain about workplace matters, while Xu Moxing ate in silence.

“Brother, why aren’t you talking? You’re the guest of honor today.”

“The guest of honor should just focus on eating. I’m really hungry.”

In truth, it was because the things they were talking about were beyond Xu Moxing’s ability to join in. Normally, he could make conversation, asking questions when he didn’t understand.

But with Su Lichen there, Xu Moxing’s mind went blank; he didn’t know how to chime in, afraid that offering an opinion would upset Su Lichen.

Xu Jianqing glanced at her brother and said to Su Lichen, “He’s just like that. Brother Su, please be patient with him.”

Su Lichen smiled but said nothing.

Xu Moxing’s mood immediately soured. What did she mean by “that’s just how he is”?

In the past, Xu Moxing would have seen this as a way of protecting him, like acting as a mediator. But now he realized it wasn’t like that at all.

He might have been too desperate for acceptance and understanding in the past, so he interpreted any attention from “close friends and family” as good intentions.

It was self-deception: “He’s speaking up for me; he understands me.”

But the truth was—the other person was only using “knowing him” to show off their own “tolerance” or “maturity,” without truly respecting his feelings.

This wasn’t protection; it was a public act of labeling him, even admitting guilt on his behalf, under the guise of “understanding.”

Protection means standing by him, deflecting negative comments from the outside. For example, if someone said, “Why does he always stay alone? He’s so unsociable,” someone protective would say, “He enjoys solitude—what’s wrong with that? He’s very focused when he thinks.” Or, “He’s just introverted, but he has a rich inner world.”

The core of protection is explaining his traits as positive, or at least neutral, not treating his traits as a “flaw” that others have to accept.

“He’s just like that”—these words sound like explaining for him, but in reality, they’re passing judgment on him, implying: “He is the way he is. He’s unsociable. Don’t mind him. That’s just him.”

It amounts to assuming that Xu Moxing’s behavior “needs to be forgiven,” that it’s “not quite normal,” but that “he can’t change,” hoping Su Lichen will be tolerant of Xu Moxing.

There’s a condescending sense of “knowing” in these words; the speaker positions themselves as “more normal, more socially savvy,” explaining to a third party why Xu Moxing is “odd.”

This is essentially a kind of hidden superiority and disrespect.

Xu Moxing is not someone who needs to be “explained.” He is a living person, not a specimen to be studied.

Xu Moxing couldn’t bring himself to make a scene on the spot. In the middle of the meal, he said, “I’m going to the restroom.”

The restroom was at the end of the hallway. After turning a corner, the dining table was out of sight.

He pushed the door open, went in, and washed his hands.

The tap water was very cold. Normally, in the middle of summer, cold water feels pleasant, but right now, his heart turned cold.

He looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was longer, his face thinner, with dark circles under his eyes.

He cupped a handful of water and splashed it on his face. The water dripped down his cheeks, wetting the collar of his shirt, leaving a small dark patch. He dried his face with a paper towel, took a deep breath, and pushed the door open to go back.

As he walked back, nearing the corner, he heard his sister speaking. Her voice wasn’t loud,

Xu Moxing stood there, his feet nailed to the ground.

In the middle of summer, he was drenched in cold sweat.

He remembered that his younger sister had said something similar before.

He thought she meant well, thought she was trying to help him, thought she was caring for him in her own way.

No, she wasn't helping him. She thought there was something wrong with him, thought he wasn't good enough, thought he needed to be forgiven.

He didn't go in; instead, he stood around the corner and waited for a while.

He waited for those words to clear from his head, waited until they stopped talking about him. Then he took a deep breath, walked over, rounded the corner, and went back to the table.

His younger sister saw him and smiled. "What took you so long?"

"There are a lot of people and only two bathrooms."

Xu Moxing sat down, picked up his chopsticks, took a bite of food but couldn't taste anything.

As for the rest of that meal, Xu Moxing didn't remember it. He just ate in silence, pretending nothing had happened.

After Xu Jianqing paid the bill, the three of them stood outside the restaurant.

Su Lichen offered to take her back to the hotel.

"No need, the hotel is quite close to here. Besides, my company will reimburse me. I'll just grab a taxi. If you take me, you'll have to go out of your way, and you live quite far from here, so go on back."

Su Lichen didn't push it. Xu Moxing forced a mechanical smile and stiffly waved goodbye to his younger sister.

After Xu Jianqing got into the taxi, Su Lichen drove Xu Moxing home.