Chapter 67: From Pain to Calm, It Takes a Long Time

Chapter 67: From Pain to Peace, It Takes a Long Time

After Xu Moxing answered Xu Jianqing's call, he was silent for two seconds before slowly speaking, "I'll be back, just a few days late."

He had considered Xu Jianqing and Su Lichen the most important people in his life, but unfortunately, both of them had dealt him a crushing blow when he was vulnerable.

The saddest part was that he knew he couldn't blame anyone. Objectively speaking, he had brought it all on himself—others had no obligation to treat him any differently.

Emotionally, though, he just couldn't accept it.

It wasn't that he resented them—he resented himself, angry at himself for valuing them so much, for pouring so much emotion into them, and for sharing so much of his inner self with them.

Because of so-called trust and emotional connection, he had personally handed them knives that could only cut him.

Familiarity breeds contempt.

When you know too much, when you excessively reveal what you fear, your flaws, and your innermost thoughts to others, it gives them a sense of superiority and control.

That's human nature—no one is exempt.

Knowledge itself is a form of power.

When Xu Moxing laid bare his most vulnerable parts to them, he had unwittingly given away a portion of that power.

They knew his weak spots, where to strike to hurt the most, and they knew his limits—even that those limits could be pushed back again and again.

And faced with that kind of power, human nature often fails.

Even if they started out with good intentions, over time, that feeling of "I know what you don't know I know" slowly breeds a secret sense of superiority.

They don't intentionally hurt Xu Moxing, but they start to think, "You're nothing special," and "You can't do without me," and they habitually look down on you.

It's not that they're bad—it's human nature sliding when the power dynamic is off.

So what Xu Moxing hates most is himself. He hates how brutally honest he'd been.

"I'm also staying a few more days. What day are you going back?"

"I'm taking the bus on New Year's Eve."

"I'm going on the 29th. See you then."

Xu Jianqing thought her brother was just reluctant to leave his partner and decided to go back later, so she didn't ask any more questions.

In the past, Xu Moxing wouldn't have waited for Xu Jianqing to say anything—he would have explained why he was going back on New Year's Eve and so on. But now, he kept his mouth shut.

"Yeah."

After hanging up, Xu Moxing strolled to the supermarket to buy groceries.

He'd been living like this for the past few days. What made him happiest now was a job that wasn't too terrible and coincidentally having a short holiday.

During the break, he could be alone, spending his days messing around on his phone or cooking for himself.

He'd walk alone to the nearby supermarket to buy food he liked, without considering anyone else. The only rule was: I want it, I get it.

After shopping, he'd walk back along the road, passing street stalls or snack shops, and if the mood struck him, he'd grab a ton of snacks.

This was his ideal way of living.

Xu Moxing was pushing his cart aimlessly through the supermarket when his mother, Shen Qin, called—which was rare.

Recently, Shen Qin had stopped bothering to call him because Xu Moxing didn't react—he didn't join her in bad-mouthing her husband.

Her emotional dumping got no response, and she found it boring, so she stopped saying those things to Xu Moxing.

But she switched to sending him messages, sending those toxic videos every day—about how parents are always right, how ungrateful kids are, and how children who appreciate their parents will have a smooth life.

Xu Moxing opened the first one, but never clicked on any after that. When messages came in, he'd just long-press to mark as read, not even opening the conversation.

Xu Moxing saw the caller ID but didn't answer. After his mother hung up, he stared at the missed call with a frown.

To be honest, even though he now knew his mother would never change, and he had accepted reality and given up hope, he still let her get to him.

Just seeing her call made him irritable—angry at his own helplessness.

Because she had struggled to raise him, he still hoped she could live a better life. But he couldn't drag her out of the mire—on one hand, she didn't want to leave it, and on the other, he just didn't have the ability.

Xu Moxing didn't call back. He continued shopping.

Not long after, his mother called again. If he didn't answer, she'd keep calling nonstop.

Frowning, Xu Moxing answered.

"Hello?"

"Why didn't you answer the phone? You're such an ungrateful brat! Your father was right—both of you are ingrates! It's almost New Year's and you're not back yet—when relatives come over, I can't show my face!"

The moment he answered, he got yelled at immediately.

So she wanted him home for New Year's just for appearances?

His parents' face sometimes mattered more than their own lives. They'd been broke their whole lives—why weren't they embarrassed?

By their logic, they should have already been so ashamed they'd drink pesticide to kill themselves.

Their kids' happiness and lives didn't matter as much as saving face. Nothing they did was shameful; the only shame was their child not bringing them glory.

He remembered last New Year's, when his mother called to push him to get married.

She cried on the phone, saying he was unfilial, that she had raised him for nothing, that he was nothing but a shame to her, that he was completely useless.

Xu Moxing hung up and stayed in his rented apartment alone until it was time to go back to work.

The supermarket was still open, but everything had gone up in price—meat and vegetables were at least twice as expensive as usual and not fresh either.

Takeout was still available, but way fewer options and nearly twice the price.

The ones still doing business during the holiday were just trying to make some extra money.

A little lonely, but really peaceful.

No arguments, no crying or complaining—just calm and relaxation.

"What, cat got your tongue? I always said you're cold and withdrawn, not likable at all, cowardly and incompetent. You definitely can't make much money, and you'll never get anywhere in society."

Shen Qin's voice snapped Xu Moxing out of his thoughts.

Her voice wasn't sharp or shrill, but hearing her say these things, Xu Moxing felt it was especially grating.

Xu Moxing didn't say anything, waiting until his mother finished scolding him before saying calmly, "I'll be back on New Year's Eve. I'm still at work, so let's not talk now. I'm busy."

Only then did Shen Qin shut her mouth, which had been spewing belittling words about her own child. "Okay, Mom will wait for you to come back."

After hanging up, Xu Moxing continued shopping at the supermarket.

He was almost relieved that his mother kept scolding him like this. If she did it a few more times, his love for her would slowly fade, and he wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

Now when he thought of his mother, his sister, and Su Lichen, it all hurt—which was normal.

After all, he had once considered them the most important people in his life.

There was a long road from facing reality to truly finding peace.

And the length of that road didn't depend on how long he had "figured it out," but on how long and how deeply he had been hurt.

For people who weren't that important and who he'd only met once, he could calm down in a few hours.

But for these three—especially his mother, who gave him life and raised him—it might take many years for him to truly find peace.

Maybe even death wouldn't bring true peace, but that was okay. He could live with the pain.

As long as he didn't deliberately poke at that wound and stayed away from what triggered him, he could ignore it and live well.

After buying groceries and getting home, Xu Moxing took out his phone and saw the WeChat message Su Lichen had sent him.

Xu Moxing hadn't contacted Su Lichen first; it was always Su Lichen who texted him to ask how his trip was.

"Are you home yet? Did you hit traffic?"

"Yeah, I'm home. It was fine."

Actually, at that time, Xu Moxing was in his rented apartment in Shencheng, stewing a pork elbow for himself.

Su Lichen was probably traveling with his parents, so it was already hard for him to get in touch.

Once he knew Xu Moxing was home, every message Su Lichen sent was cautious: "Are you okay? Your dad didn't cause any trouble, did he?"

"Same as always. Let them be."

"Yeah, if you need to vent or talk, just let me know."

Xu Moxing sneered when he saw that message, but still replied, "Okay."

If it were before, he would have been deeply moved by Su Lichen's words and decided to love Su Lichen forever, making him his one and only.

Unfortunately, there was no "if."

When Su Lichen said that, he might have meant it sincerely, but sincerity can change in an instant.

At ten o'clock on the morning of New Year's Eve, Xu Moxing arrived home.

He had taken an overnight bus and slept through the ride. Although the sleeping position on the bus was uncomfortable, it was better than wasting a whole day on the road.

When Xu Moxing got home, Xu Jianqing wasn't there—she seemed to have gone out to hang out.

The first thing Shen Qin said when she saw him was, "Do some cleaning. Tomorrow is New Year, and we haven't done the spring cleaning yet."

Xu Moxing knew that Xu Jianqing never did any cleaning. Since childhood, Xu Moxing had been too "understanding," too good at sympathizing with his mother and sister, which had resulted in Xu Jianqing never lifting a finger.

And that was just how Xu Jianqing was. Xu Moxing thought she was a bit selfish and only cared about herself.

Objectively speaking, he had no right to criticize her.

But living with her was exhausting.