Chapter 10: Loving While Disgusting

Chapter 10: Love and Loathing at the Same Time

Xu Jianqing exhaled a smoke ring, her index and middle fingers casually holding a long, slender cigarette.

It was a menthol burst slim cigarette; Xu Jianqing smoked often to stay alert under work pressure.

They smoked in silence, and when the cigarette was halfway smoked, Xu Jianqing finally broke the silence.

"When will he remember?"

"I don't know."

"Do you want him to remember?"

Su Lichen didn't answer.

Xu Jianqing turned around, leaning against the balcony door, looking at him.

Her gaze wasn't as piercing as before, but there was still wariness in her eyes.

"You're not thinking of keeping up this lie forever, are you?"

Su Lichen looked at her.

"He asked me why he went to Yangcheng alone on a trip," he said. "I said we had a fight."

"And he believed that?"

"He did."

Xu Jianqing was silent for a moment.

"That's because he doesn't remember," she said. "If he did, he wouldn't have believed it."

Su Lichen didn't reply.

If Xu Moxing hadn't lost his memory, he would never have called Su Lichen for help.

Maybe he wouldn't have called Xu Jianqing either—he would have shouldered it himself, because both of them had gradually been shut out from the circle of people close enough for Xu Moxing to turn to for help.

Xu Jianqing took another drag, blowing out the smoke before speaking slowly. "We have similar personalities—both rational and calm. My brother really likes me; he might not want to admit it, but after graduation, he relied on me quite a bit.

Maybe he likes you in part because of that same trait. That's why I say likes and dislikes come from the same source. Being calm and steady means you can handle a lot on your own, so you don't think of sharing with him, and he can't really know much about you either.

Especially after we start working—we're all just working stiffs. Apart from sleeping, we spend more time with colleagues than with our significant others.

After a long day, you might not feel like talking once you get home.

My brother is someone with strong empathy and a deep need to be acknowledged. So he has a huge urge to share, talks a lot, and longs for those close to him to share in return. But I found him annoying... and maybe you started to find him annoying as well."

Something flickered in Su Lichen's eyes.

"That guy, you know, he takes everything to heart. Cares about too many things, and that wears him out."

She paused.

"Of course, he's often pessimistic—super annoying—and that's how things ended up."

Su Lichen was silent for a long time before he spoke, his voice low:

"I know."

In that final half year, Su Lichen had almost lost all desire to share things with Xu Moxing. Xu Moxing was always the one talking, while Su Lichen rarely shared anything about his own life.

Every time Xu Moxing asked, he would say, "Same as always, nothing much to talk about."

But was it really that there was nothing to talk about?

Before, even if he ate the same meal at work every day and said the same things to colleagues, Su Lichen could still chat with Xu Moxing for ages.

"The food was okay today. Same as yesterday, but the boss cooked it better today."

Xu Moxing would always reply as soon as he saw the message.

"Haha, the boss is improving! I can leave on time tonight. Want me to cook that dish you mentioned the other day?"

"Sure, I'll make the sauce. Whoever gets to the market first buys the groceries."

"Okk! cute.jpg"

Even if every day was basically the same, because of Xu Moxing, they created small new memories each day.

When did it change?

When did it become him thinking everything was just the same, so he couldn't be bothered to say anything?

Xu Jianqing watched him as if lost in thought. Then Su Lichen crushed out his cigarette. "I know we both have issues. I was the one who messed up first."

Su Lichen didn't want to go into it with Xu Jianqing. Xu Jianqing was protective of her brother, but she had also hurt him.

That was between them as siblings; Su Lichen didn't want to comment further.

What happened between Su Lichen and Xu Moxing—they would handle it themselves.

Xu Jianqing said nothing.

They both stared off into the distance, silent for a long time.

After the smell of smoke faded, they went back to the living room, sitting far apart from each other, each busy on their phones.

When Xu Moxing woke up, the bedroom was quiet.

He lay there for a while, dazed, then heard voices from the living room—quiet, and he couldn't make out the words.

He pushed himself up to sit, intending to move to his wheelchair.

Just then, Su Lichen, having figured that Xu Moxing would be waking up around then, got up and entered the bedroom to check.

Xu Moxing looked up at Su Lichen and stopped moving. "Where's my sister?"

"Outside."

Su Lichen looked at him with an expression Xu Moxing couldn't read.

Xu Moxing met his eyes, startled. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Su Lichen said. "It's almost dinner time. What do you feel like taking your sister out for?"

Su Lichen picked him up and placed him in the wheelchair and pushed him to the living room.

Xu Jianqing had already returned to her usual calm and collected demeanor. When she saw them come out, she put down her phone and stood up.

"Awake? I'll go get some food."

Xu Moxing said, "No need, there's food at home."

Xu Jianqing sat back down. "Then Brother Su, go ahead and cook. I want to talk to my brother for a bit."

Xu Jianqing was completely at ease; she had been raised by her brother when she was young, and as she grew up, she ate at the cafeteria or ordered takeout.

In all her years, she had never even cooked plain rice, let alone stir-fried dishes.

Thinking of this, Xu Jianqing's guilt toward her brother deepened.

"Little sister, talk nicely to your brother. He still needs to let his legs heal properly."

Su Lichen stood behind Xu Moxing's wheelchair, giving Xu Jianqing a cool glance, then leaned down to squeeze Xu Moxing's hand before heading into the kitchen to cook.

Xu Moxing pushed the wheelchair over and stopped in front of his sister.

Xu Jianqing looked at him without speaking.

"What's wrong?" Xu Moxing felt a bit uneasy under her stare. "Is there something on my face?"

"You've gotten so thin, what could be on your face?" Xu Jianqing averted her gaze, staring at the water glass on the coffee table. "Does your leg hurt?"

"It's fine. Sometimes it itches a little. I can't wash my feet until the cast comes off. By then, it'll probably be dirty and smelly, haha."

Xu Jianqing took out her phone. "I'll get you a small back scratcher. Once your muscles atrophy a little, you can reach in with it."

"..."

Xu Moxing had just been joking, trying to lighten the mood.

He tried to refuse, "No, that's okay. If I need it, I'll buy it myself."

"Just accept it. You don't have an income now, and you never made much."

Xu Moxing was stunned for a moment. He wanted to say thank you, but she waved her hand: "Alright, you're still my brother."

Xu Jianqing realized she had misspoken and stopped.

In the workplace, Xu Jianqing wasn't this tactless; she chose her words carefully, even with subordinates, never belittling them.

But when facing her brother, her words unconsciously carried a disappointed, dismissive tone, as if she was disappointed in him.

From the kitchen came the sound of a knife chopping on the cutting board.

The living room was quiet for a few seconds.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it that way."

Xu Jianqing had complicated feelings for her brother, even more so than those for their parents.

Xu Jianqing was raised by Xu Moxing. When she was young, he was practically her only support.

Their parents prioritized sons over daughters—and "over daughters" meant they completely ignored her.

But the "favor sons" part wasn't really that either, because their father was a worthless freeloader who depended on his wife. It wasn't a traditional "man works, woman runs the home" setup—their father didn't work and didn't take care of the family, hanging out with a bunch of shady friends all day.

Playing cards, shooting the breeze, and when in a bad mood, beating the children and his wife—that was the father's daily routine.

Their mother was completely immersed in the persona she had created for herself, never waking up.

On one hand, she was oppressed and abused by her husband; on the other, she steadfastly upheld his authority as the head of the household.

She even defended his authority more fiercely than he did himself.

Because his authority was the justification for her suffering. If he fell, the whole story of her life would collapse.

Her love for her children was twisted and toxic.

In her eyes, her children were never independent individuals, but stage props in the tragedy of her life.

When they were young, they were props for her to vent her frustrations; when they grew up, they became props to maintain the illusion of a complete family. She didn't want to dismantle this "complete" family, nor would she allow her children to do so!

And the main prop playing this role was Xu Moxing; Xu Jianqing was just an afterthought.