Chapter 23: Don’t Morally Blackmail Yourself

Chapter 23 Don't Guilt-Trip Yourself

Xu Moxing sat by the floor-to-ceiling window, looking at the night view of the old city, in silence.

Su Lichen asked, "Tired?"

Xu Moxing shook his head, not looking at Su Lichen, just moving his lips, "Didn't do anything, just had dinner. Not tired."

Su Lichen got up, pulled a stool over and sat beside him, "Then what's up?"

Xu Moxing was silent for a while before speaking.

"Mai Cong is so shallow, I don't really like people like that."

Su Lichen turned his wheelchair around so they were face to face.

"I know he probably just blurted it out," Xu Moxing said, "but I just... feel icky about it."

"Saying stuff offhand just shows that's who he is. Normal people wouldn't just say something like that out of nowhere."

Xu Moxing's eyes lit up as he looked at Su Lichen.

Su Lichen held Xu Moxing's hand.

"He's okay as a friend. He's rich and likes to show off. I don't care, I just play along.

But he's very casual about relationships. He's been like that since college. Hits on anyone, guys or girls, fools around, plays with people's feelings. He's probably still like that now.

It's normal that you don't like him. I don't like him much either, but I don't hate him either. He treats me okay, and the rest isn't my business. I don't want to meddle. You get what I'm saying, right?"

Xu Moxing pouted, "I get what you mean, but I don't think it's right."

In Xu Moxing's head, he was basically just a fresh grad from college. He hadn't learned much about worldly affairs at home; the worst of human nature he'd seen came from his own parents.

What he had learned at school were things like helping others, if everyone gives a little love, the world will be a better place. Dedicating yourself, helping others—that kind of moral teaching.

A child from a family like that, though seeming mature on the surface, only knew how to endure hardship.

He just couldn't figure out the ins and outs of society. He hadn't seen much of the world. He was naive and innocent in his mind, always thinking the world was black and white.

He felt that Mai Cong had poor character, so he didn't want to associate with him, or maybe he wanted to talk some sense into Mai Cong.

He thought being right meant people would listen. He thought good intentions meant he couldn't be misunderstood.

He didn't get that just because you mean well, others don't have to accept it.

Good intentions are just your own idea; they don't mean others see you as helping them.

Su Lichen, on the other hand, had learned a lot through his parents' eyes from a young age—through their words and deeds. His parents had taught him kindness, but also how to protect that kindness. Kindness and cruelty both have their limits.

So Su Lichen could distinguish clearly. He didn't try to change people or warn them.

He knew people's hearts are complex; good intentions don't always lead to good outcomes. The other person might be enjoying what they're doing, and what you call kindness is just you feeling good about yourself.

He knew boundaries are important. Other people's affairs are ultimately their own.

He knew his limits. He couldn't fix everything. He had to look out for himself first.

They were different, so sometimes Xu Moxing felt Su Lichen was a bit cold, because Xu Moxing measured his boyfriend against his own values and standards.

Xu Moxing still didn't understand that your values and rules are meant to govern yourself. Once you extend them to people outside yourself, conflict arises.

As long as your lover hasn't deliberately hurt you, supports you and is patient with you, that's already a rare partner.

Moreover, coldness is just on the surface; underneath it's about self-protection.

What's wrong with looking out for yourself? As long as it doesn't hurt others, protecting yourself is never wrong.

You can choose to be kind and give, but that doesn't mean it's wrong for others to prioritize protecting themselves. No one's more noble than anyone else. There's no right or wrong.

Su Lichen knew Xu Moxing would think this way. In the past, he wouldn't have explained, but after everything, Su Lichen was willing to open up a bit more to Xu Moxing.

"I know you think it's not right. But do you think if you said something, Mai Cong would listen?"

Xu Moxing thought for a moment and shook his head, "Probably not. Because he's always been like this. If he doesn't face consequences, telling him won't make a difference."

"Exactly. Our words won't help. And after we say it, he might hold a grudge. He's so rich. What if he buys my company and messes things up so I can't work in this field anymore?"

Xu Moxing was amused by Su Lichen. "Then forget it. Can't be a naive do-gooder, and besides, they don't even see us as good people."

"Exactly. You need to think about your lover—that's me—first. The point is, helping others shouldn't mess up your own life.

Otherwise, it's not helping—it's just being a fool, a fool who might hurt the people close to you."

Xu Moxing glared at Su Lichen, "Are you saying I'm a fool?"

"Of course not! You didn't do that, so you're not a fool."

Su Lichen was really good at calming Xu Moxing down.

Xu Moxing interlaced his fingers with Su Lichen's, pulled him closer with a gentle tug, and looked at Su Lichen with dreamy eyes—that was Xu Moxing's way of saying he wanted to kiss.

Su Lichen hesitated for a second, but then gave in to his own desire. He'd had some wine and was tipsy, and he wanted to kiss too.

They shared an affectionate kiss, but the posture was a bit awkward.

Because Xu Moxing's legs couldn't be pressed or moved freely, Su Lichen pressed his hand on the wheelchair, leaning down to kiss Xu Moxing, who was tilting his head up.

Not satisfied, Su Lichen carried Xu Moxing back to the bed and pressed him down to kiss.

"Hmm..."

Xu Moxing was still very sensitive, letting out soft moans every now and then.

After the kiss, they held each other for a while. Su Lichen buried his face in Xu Moxing's neck, adjusting his breathing.

Xu Moxing suddenly asked, "A Li, do you think I'm being too fussy?"

"Too fussy about what?"

"Well..." Xu Moxing stroked the strong back of his boyfriend, who was sprawled on top of him like a frog, "He treated us to a meal, gave us gifts, it was nice. But here I am being picky."

Su Lichen lifted his head, "You're not being too fussy. You're just very sincere and particular. And I don't mean that in a bad way. The world still needs people like you."

Xu Moxing was taken aback.

Su Lichen looked at him. The streetlight fell into his eyes, making them shine.

"I was like that when I was young," he said. "But not so much anymore."

Xu Moxing looked at him, didn't understand.

Su Lichen didn't explain further. No matter how much he said, it was useless. One had to experience it personally to truly understand.

If listening to reason and others' advice could change someone, then the world wouldn't be full of people who only learn the hard way.

Su Lichen stood up and carried Xu Moxing to the bathroom.

"Let's go shower. Hey, it seems that feeding you well for a month has made you much healthier."

Xu Moxing put his arm around Su Lichen's shoulder. "Just say it directly if you want to say I've gained weight."

"You're not fat, you've become healthier. You were too thin before."

"So then I'll send my sister a selfie in a few days to thank her for the supplements."

"Okay, I'll take it for you."

When Su Lichen came out after showering, Xu Moxing was already asleep.

He must be worn out from today. Su Lichen, on the other hand, was fine.

Su Lichen slipped into bed quietly. The hotel bed was too soft, but Xu Moxing still sensed Su Lichen's presence and unconsciously reached out a hand.

Su Lichen held his hand, kissed it, and said, "Go to sleep. Good night."