Chapter 61: Should We Delude Ourselves?

Chapter 61: Gotta Kid Yourself?

The school was quite far from home, over an hour by taxi.

In that hour, Xu Moxing sorted through his memories and accepted that he'd gotten them back.

Over the past six months, his amnesiac self had been happy, but he'd still held nothing back from Su Lichen, just like before.

At 24, being a little naive was fine. But at 27, it wasn't.

Oh no, it was already a new year—he was 28.

He'd been through all that, and if he hadn't learned his lesson and changed, history would just repeat itself.

Then he'd really deserve to be that miserable.

When they were almost at the stop, Xu Moxing slowly opened his eyes.

"A Li."

"Hm?"

"Is there something you're hiding from me?"

Su Lichen was taken aback.

He looked at Xu Moxing's face and couldn't tell what he was thinking, but Xu Moxing's gaze was different from before—he couldn't pinpoint exactly how.

"Why do you ask?"

Xu Moxing looked at him for a few seconds, then smiled.

"Nothing. Just asking."

He closed his eyes again.

Su Lichen watched him, something stirring in his chest.

The driver had already stopped. Xu Moxing opened the door and got out, and Su Lichen didn't have time to figure out what that stirring was.

Xu Moxing walked on his own, no longer needing Su Lichen to support him.

He kept about a foot of distance between them. Before the breakup, he'd walked this path back to this apartment for four years.

Add the more than half a year after losing his memory—almost five years in total. It was an exaggeration to say he could find his way home with his eyes closed, but he definitely remembered the route.

In the elevator, Xu Moxing didn't speak and still kept his distance from Su Lichen.

Su Lichen figured he was just uncomfortable from drinking too much and didn't think much of it.

The elevator reached their floor. Su Lichen stepped out first. It was very quiet, with only the sound of their footsteps.

At the door, Su Lichen took out his keys to unlock it. Xu Moxing stood behind him, watching him turn the key twice. With a click, the door opened.

Xu Moxing didn't rush in. He looked at the entryway inside—the shoe cabinet, the slippers, the two umbrellas hanging on the hooks, one of which was pink. He looked for a while before stepping inside.

When he tried to change his shoes, he couldn't bend down. He kicked at his shoes several times but couldn't get them off. Su Lichen crouched down to help him take them off and slipped the slippers onto his feet.

He looked down at the top of Su Lichen's head. Su Lichen's hair was a bit long; he needed a haircut.

"All set." Su Lichen stood up. "Take a breather, then go take a shower?"

Since Xu Moxing was so uncomfortable and didn't want to get into bed without bathing, Su Lichen decided to let him rest first.

Xu Moxing nodded, walked over to the couch, and flopped down.

He buried his face in the cushion and didn't move.

Su Lichen went to the kitchen, poured a glass of warm water, set it on the coffee table, and sat down next to him. Xu Moxing lay there, breathing heavily, reeking of alcohol.

The TV was off, and the living room was very quiet.

"Have some water." Su Lichen nudged his shoulder.

Xu Moxing didn't move. After a moment, he turned onto his back, his arm slung across his forehead, covering half his face.

"A Li," he called out, his voice a little hoarse.

"Hm."

"What's the time?"

"Almost five."

"Oh." Xu Moxing fell silent for a moment. "New year already."

"Yeah."

"Happy New Year."

Su Lichen looked at him.

Xu Moxing lay on the couch, his arm over his forehead, his expression unreadable.

"Happy New Year," Su Lichen replied.

Xu Moxing said nothing else.

After resting for a bit, Xu Moxing went to shower.

Su Lichen was working in the living room when he heard the shower running—it went on for a long time.

Su Lichen even went to knock on the bathroom door. "Mo, why are you taking so long? You didn't pass out in there, did you?"

"No, I'm okay."

Xu Moxing answered right away. Seeing he was fine, Su Lichen backed off.

Eventually the water stopped. Xu Moxing came out with wet hair, wearing pajamas.

"You hungry?" Su Lichen asked.

"No, I just ate. I wanna sleep a bit—I'm kinda dizzy."

"Hang on, dry your hair first."

Su Lichen offered to dry his hair, but Xu Moxing felt awkward and reached out to take the hairdryer.

“I’ll do it myself.”

“No, you stay seated. I’ll blow-dry your hair.”

Su Lichen pushed his hand away and began drying his hair.

The warm air felt just right in this weather—comforting.

Su Lichen was very careful; throughout the entire process, he never once burned Xu Moxing’s scalp.

When Xu Moxing dried his own hair, he often accidentally burned himself.

The more attentive Su Lichen was, the more tormented Xu Moxing felt inside.

“All done. Go to sleep.”

Su Lichen confirmed his hair was dry, then gently squeezed his earlobe and told him to sleep.

In the past, according to Xu Moxing’s personality, he would usually reply, “Okay, I’ll lie down for a bit. Call me if anything comes up.”

But now he didn’t want to say more to Su Lichen than he had to.

Xu Moxing went into the bedroom and lay down.

Su Lichen stood at the doorway and watched for a moment. Xu Moxing had his eyes closed, his breathing soft.

Su Lichen pulled the blanket up around him and closed the bedroom door.

Xu Moxing heard the door close. The sound was very soft.

He opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling. The curtains were closed, and the room was dark.

He sighed softly.

Xu Moxing let out a soft sigh.

He turned over and buried his face in the pillow. The pillow smelled of laundry detergent—faint, the one they had always used before the breakup.

After his amnesia and before their breakup, Su Lichen had changed. He guided him and taught him how to handle things he’d never been able to before.

Before, Su Lichen rarely spoke; most of the time he just listened quietly.

That was why Xu Moxing never noticed that Su Lichen was already sick of him.

Lately, he’d been very patient, suggesting what he thought were better ways of handling things.

But how long could this patience last?

He heard soft footsteps outside the door—Su Lichen moving around the living room.

After a while, the footsteps stopped, and the TV came on, with the volume turned very low, so he couldn’t make out what was playing.

Xu Moxing lay there, listening to the barely audible sound.

In the time leading up to the breakup.

Every time he talked to Su Lichen, it was like a thirsty person dropping a stone into a deep well, hoping to find water to drink. He had great expectations for that well.

He waited for a long time, but there was no echo.

He didn’t know if there was water at the bottom. Standing at the edge of the well and looking down, he saw neither water nor his own reflection.

Later, he realized that if he kept trying, he would die of thirst, so he decided to stop.

The well was still there, but he decided to learn how to dig his own well. That way, no matter what, he could always find water to drink.

Now, that well seemed to have the sound of water—fresh water, bubbling up from deep underground, clear and crisp.

But he couldn’t tell if it was actually water, or if he was just too far away and the sound was a hallucination.

The TV in the living room was still on, the sound soft and intermittent.

He didn’t know when sleep took him.

Before falling asleep, Xu Moxing deluded himself into hoping that when he woke up tomorrow, he wouldn’t remember anything. This had happened before—he would drink too much and wake up remembering nothing.

He was just drunk, his memories all jumbled. In reality, his memory hadn’t returned; he still had no memory of those three years.

Su Lichen drank the glass of water in the living room that had long gone cold. Around eight in the evening, he entered the bedroom. Seeing that Xu Moxing was still asleep, he didn’t call him for dinner.