Chapter 78: The Past 6: No Matter What You Do, It’s Never Enough

Chapter 78 Past 6: Nothing He Does Is Good Enough

Xu Moxing always thought it was mostly his fault. Although Su Lichen and his friends had talked about him behind his back, he thought it over and realized it really was his mistake. He shouldn't dump his negative emotions on his partner, even if he thought it was just part of sharing.

But he tried to put himself in others’ shoes. His mom always called to complain about his dad, and he didn’t like listening either, because he knew he couldn’t help her, and she wasn’t willing to change.

Empathy is emotionally draining work. Happy stuff is fine, but hearing too much sad or negative stuff really wears you out. He hadn’t realized that, and it was indeed his fault.

That's why he put himself in a lower position. But over this past month, he had gradually come to understand that putting himself lower didn't give Su Lichen the right to trample all over his feelings.

It wasn't a matter of principle. It wasn't the kind of mistake that needed forgiveness like, “I've already apologized and changed, why are you still holding a grudge?”

If Su Lichen used Xu Moxing's unintentional mistake to take everything for granted and justify his own behavior, then Xu Moxing would get tired too.

Xu Moxing and Su Lichen talked a lot less, because Xu Moxing had to filter every topic in his head before talking to Su Lichen, which was really exhausting.

At the same time, Xu Moxing also noticed that Su Lichen hardly ever initiated sharing stuff about himself over the past year. Unless Xu Moxing brought it up and asked the right questions, he'd only share a little bit.

Su Lichen wasn't like this before. Xu Moxing was naturally a big sharer, he was naturally talkative. A year ago, their conversations were always back-and-forth.

Xu Moxing would start a topic like “I bought a fifty-cent lollipop today,” and they would ramble on about prices, space, and light bulbs.

But now Su Lichen didn't help him keep the conversation going. They'd just finish talking and that was it.

Talking is a two-way street, not one person's job.

In July, Shencheng was like a furnace.

At work, Xu Moxing’s colleague started talking in the office again about the former colleague who had gotten pregnant before marriage.

“She had an abortion. Got the marriage license but then divorced soon after. No wedding banquet.”

Xu Moxing pricked up his ears to listen. Being a guy, it wasn't really appropriate to jump into their gossip, but they weren't avoiding him either. They just chatted in the office.

“Didn’t she show off her gold jewelry, like the bracelets and necklaces, before she quit? Why did she suddenly have an abortion?”

Another colleague remembered how she'd flaunted her seven or eight thousand yuan gold bracelet and thought it was so tacky. Like, what's there to show off?

“She didn't go into detail. Probably money issues. Women should have more self-respect and not get into that whole 'pregnant before marriage' thing, unless you plan to keep the child and ditch the father. But what’s so good about that man’s sperm? If you’re going to keep the child and ditch the father, at least pick a man with better quality.”

“Exactly, exactly. She had said before that the guy never bought her anything and was super stingy. After they broke up and got back together, she accidentally got pregnant. She had really bad symptoms, so she quit. That’s too little self-respect.”

Xu Moxing eavesdropped, secretly amazed, and made a mental note to share it with Su Lichen.

“She also said before that the guy had many women chasing him, and he was still entangled with his ex, but in the end he picked her.”

“Oh, ‘in the end he chose her’?”

Another colleague repeated that line sarcastically, then went on disdainfully.

“I think she’s confused in the head. What’s with the female rivalry? First of all, whether the guy is good or not, making the ex and the current girl compete over him only makes him look even worse. Shouldn't he have dealt with that himself?

And is this crappy guy even worth her competing with another woman? If a woman objectifies herself and doesn't change her thinking, she's gonna have a hard time later. Is that guy made of gold? Is he really that valuable? Two women fighting over him—how dumb is that?”

As they talked, Xu Moxing nodded to himself.

“In the end, he chose her.” Like she's an object?

Was this something that proved she was attractive?

Being chosen by a piece of trash who couldn't let go of his ex, wanted both sides, and might even have some disease—was that something to be proud of?

Objectifying yourself is really scary. Was that guy some kind of hot commodity?

Did they think they were back in feudal times, with the emperor making his concubines compete for favor?

Xu Moxing felt that those three should just stick together and not let any of them out to mess up other normal people.

Xu Moxing immediately thought of sharing this with Su Lichen. He opened his chat with Su Lichen.

“A Li! Guess what? That colleague who got pregnant before marriage—she had an abortion and they didn't end up getting married.”

Su Lichen replied after a while, “Aren’t you busy? What’s there to talk about? What does this have to do with us?”

Xu Moxing's urge to share vanished instantly. He wanted to say, “Just sharing. I find it interesting.”

He also wanted to say, “Didn’t we used to talk about everything?”

He remembered back in college, they could chat forever about a change in a cafeteria stall.

He would say, “That stall was really expensive and bad. Hope they replace it with something cheap and good.”

Su Lichen would say, “Yeah, I want stir-fry. Hope they put in a stall where you order and they cook it fresh.”

They would discuss which stall had good food and which auntie didn’t have a shaky hand when serving.

Did those words mean anything? No.

But they talked about them, willing to listen to each other's boring stuff and enthusiastically join in.

Now?

Every word Su Lichen said told Xu Moxing: Shut up.

He didn't say anything. He was still trying to make excuses for Su Lichen, thinking Su Lichen was unhappy and that's why he sounded a bit annoyed.

“What’s wrong? Are you unhappy?”

“I'm not unhappy. I just think these things have nothing to do with me or you. Why are you telling me other people's private business?”

“I’m sorry.”

Xu Moxing apologized and stopped talking.

“I’m not scolding you. You don’t need to apologize.”

Xu Moxing read that, his eyes going cold. He just replied, “Okay.”

At the same time, elsewhere, Su Lichen was in a meeting. The boss's relative, Zhou Ping, was giving him a hard time again, and the boss was playing both sides.

He could handle it, but to be honest, even if he could handle it, it was still annoying. Work is never smooth sailing. Even if it was within his ability, he still had feelings.

Just when Xu Moxing happened to be in his line of fire, Su Lichen remembered how low Xu Moxing had been acting lately. The base nature of humans kicked in, and he couldn't help taking his bad mood out on Xu Moxing.

Of course, as the one in the superior position in the relationship right now, he wouldn't admit that.

Xu Moxing worked in silence and started thinking about these things.

—If we can only talk about things that concern us both, then how many things are left for us to talk about? What else can we talk about? Sharing what's happening around us, sharing opinions—can't we even do that anymore?

Then if I don't chat with you, won't you someday blame me again for not talking about those things with you, for not sharing my life with you?

Over the past month or so, Xu Moxing has slowly come to feel that Su Lichen is telling him through his attitude—everything you say is wrong, everything you share is boring, and your very existence is a bother.

Su Lichen might not be doing it on purpose. He's just lost interest.

Lost interest in Xu Moxing, lost interest in everything about Xu Moxing.

Su Lichen doesn't say it, but his attitude makes it clear to Xu Moxing.

Xu Moxing has already been very careful.

He's afraid that what he says will be labeled as "boring" by Su Lichen.

He's afraid that every word he says will become evidence that he's spreading negativity to Su Lichen.

Maybe he should choose silence.

Silence is safe. Silence won't annoy anyone, silence won't tire anyone, silence won't make someone complain behind his back to friends that he's too negative.

But he feels terrible.

He wants to talk. He wants to tell him what he saw, thought, and felt.

He wants to share his life, his world, his happiness and unhappiness with him.

He doesn't want to have to be silent even with the person closest to him.

Xu Moxing closes his eyes.

He doesn't want to think anymore. He's so tired.

Xu Moxing falls silent again. Now, chatting with Su Lichen has left him feeling a bit scarred.

Two days later, Su Lichen fights back against Zhou Ping's harassment, and even the boss can't paper things over. Feeling great, he sends a message to Xu Moxing.

"How come you haven't been chatting with me lately? Got nothing to say to me?"

Su Lichen is actually joking. If this were the old Xu Moxing, he would have explained that he's been busy lately and then started bombarding him with messages sharing his life with him.

But seeing this sentence now, Xu Moxing just sneers.

He had already anticipated this a few days ago—If I don't share with you, won't you blame me for not talking about those things, for not sharing my life with you?

No matter what he does, it's wrong. No matter what he does, the other person is never satisfied.

Xu Moxing doesn't reply. He just goes back to work.