Chapter 44 Why Are You So Naughty?

Chapter 44: Why Are You Such a Pervert?

Lin Jianyuan’s mind raced. He didn’t want to lie to his roommate, but he also didn’t want to reveal his condition.

No wonder he made a living by being creative.

Lin Jianyuan answered almost instantly, “It’s you.”

The roommate said doubtfully, “Me?”

Lin Jianyuan said seriously, “Yeah, it’s you.”

The roommate: “.”

The gurgling sounds stopped.

The roommate seemed puzzled. Before he could ask, Lin Jianyuan continued, “It’s how I imagine you.”

The roommate: “What?”

Lin Jianyuan rubbed his nose, a little embarrassed, and said, “Actually, my ultimate fantasy about my wife is her washing my underwear.”

This was true.

Because Lin Jianyuan really hated washing underwear.

Actually, he didn’t just hate washing underwear—he equally hated washing all laundry.

Because work was just too exhausting.

There was a washing machine in the rental apartment, but it was an old-fashioned drum type. All the clothes would get tangled and knotted up after washing, not to mention it had a large capacity and used a lot of water.

So Lin Jianyuan often saved up clothes for a few days before washing them all together.

But underwear was different—it had to be changed every day.

Turning on the washing machine just for one pair of underwear (or maybe adding a pair of socks) was something no regular person would do. Even though Lin Jianyuan had mental health issues, he wouldn’t do that either.

So he could only wash them by hand.

Lin Jianyuan usually took his underwear into the shower with him and scrubbed them quickly.

Even so, he still found it too bothersome.

Lin Jianyuan knew he was just lazy, but then again, if it weren’t for this crappy job being so exhausting, would he really be unwilling to do something as simple as washing underwear?

On weekends when he didn’t have to work overtime, he was actually quite willing to do some housework.

But the problem was, this crappy job often required overtime on weekends too.

Anyway, it was all work’s fault.

So he really wasn’t lying to his roommate.

Though it was a bit embarrassing to admit, his ultimate turn-on (or "XP" as he thought of it) for his wife was her washing his underwear.

Just that simple and unambitious.

Lin Jianyuan didn’t want to lie to his wife, nor did he want to reveal that he didn’t even know what his wife looked like, so he had to resort to this. Admittedly, it was a flimsy excuse and very risky.

After all, the wife he imagined was slim, tall, and fair-skinned and glowing, but what if his wife was actually a strong, dark-skinned jock?

Then there would be no way to explain it away.

After hearing this, the roommate still said nothing, but his gurgling sounds became active again.

Lin Jianyuan: “.” (He thought) Good, good, it seems he isn’t angrier.

Looks like his wife probably isn’t a strong, dark-skinned jock.

Lin Jianyuan quickly seized the moment, declaring, “But don’t worry, I promise from now on I’ll change my underwear and socks every day, and wash them right away when I shower. I’ll make sure I’m clean before getting into bed.”

Remembering a joke he’d seen online recently, he added, “I definitely won’t wear street clothes to bed.”

His roommate valued cleanliness. Since his roommate was always clean and smelled nice, he needed to pay more attention to hygiene from now on too—he couldn’t let his roommate dislike him.

Sure enough, after hearing this, the corners of the roommate’s mouth curled up again.

“Okay. No wearing,” the roommate said in a gentle tone. “I also like not wearing.”

Lin Jianyuan: ?

Was it his imagination, or did it feel like his roommate meant something else by that?

Was it the kind of meaning he was thinking?

Lin Jianyuan couldn’t help raising an eyebrow and chuckling, “Why are you so perverted?”

“This is called perverted?” The roommate’s tone held a slight laugh. “I don’t get it.”

“You’re still pretending.” Lin Jianyuan wanted to pinch his ears, but as everyone knows, the digestive system didn’t come with ears.

So he could only go for the next best option—squeezing his roommate’s throat.

The roommate was very ticklish and dodged away from his pinching. The slender, soft esophagus was like a newborn pink snake.

Lin Jianyuan played around with his roommate, then glanced at the time and hurriedly said, “Alright, no more playing. Time for work.”

Lin Jianyuan put on his shoes, crumpled the stress toy and the small stone into his pocket, and headed out to work.

While one-tapping the subway ride, he couldn’t help sighing, “If only I weren’t the only one with mental health issues. Then I could share frozen time with my roommate. Even just five minutes in the morning would be enough to have fun under the covers.”

Squeeze Toy: “Huh?”

Huh???

My top-tier time-control powers, and you’re using it as a timer for your play?!

The squeeze toy thief, crumpled with a *squish* in the pocket, whined tearfully to the small stone, “Is this right? Listen to this—is this human language? Me, a dignified Class A heretic…”

Small Stone retorted coldly: “And yet you still get casually squeezed out of shape by a regular human.”

Squeeze Toy: “.”

Squeeze Toy: “Aren’t you?”

Small Stone: “I don’t get squeezed out of shape.”

Squeeze Toy: "You get pounded into dust by a mortar."

Little Stone: "You get stomped flat by a human, stuck on a shoe sole, can’t even be scraped off."

Squeeze Toy: "You get kicked so hard you fly through a door by a human, smack!, sent flying and bouncing around like a flea."

Little Stone: "...Enough talk. Let's fight!"

Squeeze Toy: "Bring it on, bring it on, who's scared of you? Let's fight!!!"

Little Stone and Squeeze Toy yapped at each other from within Lin Jianyuan's crotch.

Before the yapping could die down,

*Squelch.*

Lin Jianyuan grabbed the squeeze toy and moved it from his left pocket to his right pocket.

Squeeze Toy: "?"

Little Stone: "?"

Lin Jianyuan, in a good mood: "Fight! Come on, fight!"

Squeeze Toy: "."

Little Stone: "."

The two little toys fell silent, looking at each other, too scared to make a peep inside Lin Jianyuan's crotch.

As if.

Like that was just any ordinary crotch?

That was a crotch belonging to a human personally claimed by the "Evil Domain"!

*Skrt—*

Lin Jianyuan's home.

In the bathroom, the digestive system was looking over with interest the underwear Lin Jianyuan had hung by the window.

The underwear was half-dried, a pair of gray cotton men's boxer shorts.

The digestive system turned its head and saw laundry detergent sitting on the sink.

Using a coil of intestine, it lifted the big bulk-size laundry detergent. It felt heavy and solid.

But it didn’t have a clue how to do laundry.

No big deal.

The digestive system took out its phone and deftly typed a few words with its pancreas:

"How to wash underwear."

Xiaohongshu (Little Red Book) immediately came up with a bunch of tutorials.

"How to Properly Wash Underwear"

"Are Panty-Washing Machines a Total Rip-Off?"

"A Step-by-Step Tutorial to Washing Your Girlfriend's Underwear"

"Forward This to Your Boyfriend ASAP for Proper Underwear Washing"

The digestive system read through all these posts carefully and then ran into a problem.

Washing underwear, you need hands.

But it had no hands.

No worries.

Minor problem.

The digestive system looked itself over, picked a spot, and sprouted a pair of hands.

Slender, pale, and bony-knuckled.

It copied them from Lin Jianyuan's white moonlight.

After all, it had never really looked closely at human hands, but in Lin Jianyuan’s dreams, those hands had appeared many times, even with soft-focus, up-close shots.

...If the squeeze toy had been there, it definitely wouldn’t have complained about being an A-level being treated like some human’s toy.

After all, even an S-class

is stuck washing some human’s underwear.

—IP—

Lin Jianyuan stepped into the company, and the first thing he did was go to HR to clear his leave.

Every time he went to the outpatient clinic before, he only took half a day off. He just needed to bring the outpatient medical record and the doctor’s note issued by Dr. Cen to HR.

But this time, he was hospitalized for a total of three days. Before being discharged, he asked Dr. Cen for all the possibly useful documents so HR wouldn’t give him grief later.

But somehow, HR still said he was missing something.

"Medical diagnosis certificate?" Lin Jianyuan was baffled. "Why do I need that? I already have the outpatient medical record from my previous visits. I was prescribed medication and am taking it. How much more proof do you need that I’m sick?"

"It’s not to prove you’re sick," said Yang Yu from HR. "This is just standard procedure. Without the materials, I can’t stamp your documents."

Just as Lin Jianyuan was about to speak, his phone rang. It was Jiang Chen.

Jiang Chen knew he was back and immediately assigned him work. He sounded agitated and annoyed, as if Lin Jianyuan’s two or three days of sick leave had caused him enormous trouble, and now that Lin Jianyuan was back, he had to take responsibility for it.

Typical Jiang Chen—one phone call successfully ruined Lin Jianyuan’s hard-won calm. He was seething again.

"Hold on, let me handle this first. I’m at HR right now," Lin Jianyuan bottled his anger, hung up, and turned back to Yang Yu. "So all I’m missing is the medical diagnosis certificate? Will an electronic version work?"

Yang Yu: "We need both electronic and physical copies, and you need to get it stamped by the hospital. Also, you need to bring your hospitalization invoice and itemized bill. And your leave return form—fill it out here, get the dates right, have your department head sign and stamp it, then scan and upload the PDF. The physical copy needs to be submitted too..."

"Wait, hold on," Lin Jianyuan cut her off. "I’m just clearing my leave, not applying for reimbursement. Why do you need my hospitalization invoice?"

Yang Yu was getting impatient too: "That’s company policy! Instead of arguing with me, you should just get all the materials ready and bring them over. I’m busy too!"

By the time he left HR, Lin Jianyuan was already thoroughly infected with the "work vibe," specifically: full of anger, brimming with resentment, and utterly confused.

Lin Jianyuan quickly fished out the squeeze toy and Little Stone: "What materials did she say she needed again?"

Squeeze Toy: "Huh?"

Little Stone: "Something about digital and hard copies, with hospital seals—couldn't remember the rest."

Lin Jianyuan snarled: "Aren't you two my split personalities? How can you not even remember this? Worthless!"

Squeeze Toy & Little Stone: "??"

Hold up, since when did we become your multiple personalities?

And why should multiple personalities have to remember things for you??

Lin Jianyuan grew more frustrated the more he thought about it. He could already imagine the massive eye-roll Yang Yu would give him if he went back to ask again.

Goddammit, why couldn't she just explain it properly?

Seriously, he didn't get it—he was just here to hand in a leave form and clear his sick leave. Why did he need to hand in so much damn paperwork?

Was Yang Yu not mistaken? The more he looked at it, the more this process resembled a hospital reimbursement process.

The key issue was, he couldn't even remember what Yang Yu had said earlier—it was all word vomit. If he went back to confront her, he wouldn't even know what to say.

Just as Lin Jianyuan was fuming, a hologram-like display suddenly appeared before his eyes.

The image showed Yang Yu rattling off the required materials.

Lin Jianyuan: ?

Suspicious, Lin Jianyuan looked around. There was no projector—where did this image come from?

Wait.

The more he looked at it, the more something felt off—wasn't this his first-person perspective?

At this thought, Lin Jianyuan smacked his forehead as it suddenly dawned on him.

Alright, alright, I knew it—my crazy's acting up again.

Almost forgot I'm mentally ill again.

Even though my condition seems to be worsening, why is this mental illness becoming more and more useful?

Lin Jianyuan focused on the first-person perspective projection in front of him. Even after watching it once, he still couldn't remember what materials were needed.

His wonky brain thoughtfully replayed it two more times.

Finally, he figured it out.

"This is still the reimbursement process, isn't it?!" Lin Jianyuan grew even angrier.

Whatever. Since he had to make another trip to the hospital anyway, he might as well prepare all the materials in one go. Save HR the trouble of bitching about it later.

Lin Jianyuan muttered under his breath as he headed toward the office.

In his pocket, the squeeze toy and the fuzzy angel eyeball bumped against each other.

Squeeze Toy: "So you're not dead. I thought you were."

Angel Eyeball: "."

Squeeze Toy teased: "How did you end up doing under-the-table work like a pushover too?"

Angel Eyeball: "."

Squeeze Toy: "A full-fledged Class A heretic, reduced to a p-o-r-t-a-b-l-e p-r-o-j-e-c-t-o-r…"

Angel Eyeball: "…"

Squeeze Toy: "Do you like Evil Domain's massive throat? Huh? Say something? Want to be chewed up again by Evil Domain's huge teeth?"

Angel Eyeball: "…#"

"Hey, don't bully him. We're all down on our luck here," Little Stone chimed in leisurely. "Since we've all been preserved in digestive fluid, we can't stir up trouble anymore. Even Dragonfly has to call us *seniors*~ We should teach him the rules of doing off-the-books work for Lin Jianyuan~ Otherwise, what if he pisses off Evil Domain again?"

Angel Eyeball: "…###"

He was already about to blow his top, but upon hearing "pisses off Evil Domain," he backed down.

"…Spit it out," Angel Eyeball said in a low voice.

Squeeze Toy: "What?"

Angel Eyeball: "Tell me, what things would offend Evil Domain?"

Squeeze Toy (exaggerated tone): "Huh? What did you call me? I didn't hear clearly? What did you call me?"

Angel Eyeball: "…######"

Gritting his teeth, Angel Eyeball took a deep breath and said in a low voice, "…*Senior*. It's my first day on the job, I don't know how things work here. Could you tell me what I should avoid while working here?"

Squeeze Toy: "Heh heh heh heh~"

Now that's more like it!