Chapter 49 Two Idiots

Chapter 49 Two Idiots

“Bro Yuan, you…” Pei Shuo’s expression was awkward. “How am I supposed to answer that?”

His mind raced, frantically trying to formulate an answer that wouldn’t arouse Lin Jianyuan’s suspicion, yet perfectly addressed the question.

The real challenge wasn't avoiding Lin Jianyuan's suspicion; it was that he had no idea what image this legendary roommate held in Lin Jianyuan’s mind!

What if he answered incorrectly? Wouldn't Bro Yuan immediately realize they were all in on a conspiracy to deceive him?

No, absolutely not!

Bro Yuan had just been discharged from the psychiatric hospital!

What if he suffered another shock and his condition worsened?

Pei Shuo wore a troubled expression, trying his best to portray an awkward junior who didn't know how to comment on his "sister-in-law's" appearance.

Meanwhile, Lin Jianyuan’s mind was also racing,

trying his best to portray an older brother genuinely curious about his junior’s opinion of his wife’s looks.

After all… he didn't even know what his wife looked like.

Well, that wasn't entirely accurate.

More precisely, he didn't know what his wife looked like in the eyes of others.

And that was a pretty fatal flaw.

Lin Jianyuan had actually worried before: what if his roommate found out that, in his eyes, he was a pile of offal? Would he run away scared?

Now that the roommate had become his wife, he was even more anxious.

It wasn't just about being scared away anymore.

He was afraid of hurting his wife’s feelings.

Logically, he believed his wife wouldn't leave him because of his illness—after all, his wife had stayed with him in the hospital and knew about his condition.

But anxiety wasn't something you could control with logic alone.

Otherwise, why would it be called anxiety?

Lin Jianyuan was already a psychiatric patient; adding an anxiety disorder diagnosis seemed perfectly reasonable.

In short, at this moment, both Lin Jianyuan and Pei Shuo were fully immersed in their acting.

Both were desperately trying to figure out how to subtly compare notes with the other.

Yet, neither of them held the correct answer.

After all, there were only two clues.

Male.

College student.

That was it.

And there were countless permutations of what a male college student could look like!

How the hell were they supposed to guess?!

“Bro Yuan, just let me off the hook.” After struggling for a long time, Pei Shuo finally gave up. “This… whatever I say wouldn’t be appropriate. After all… he’s your wife.”

Lin Jianyuan thought about it and realized he had a point.

If Pei Shuo dared to say his wife wasn't good-looking, he would definitely get angry.

Couldn't he see how radiantly handsome his wife was? How could he not be good-looking?

Just look at those pink intestines! The regularly secreting liver, gallbladder, spleen, and pancreas! That elastic stomach!

So healthy, so spirited, so full of vitality!

And so clean! Soft and fragrant!

And tall! Just a slight jump and he could reach the basketball hoop!

How could a fair, slim, fragrant, soft, healthy, clean, and refreshing male college student not be good-looking!

What part of his wife wasn't good-looking!

Even his wife’s internal organs were good-looking!

But if Pei Shuo actually praised his wife for being good-looking, Lin Jianyuan would feel a little unhappy too.

It was a delicate mindset.

Lin Jianyuan hesitated for a second, then finally sighed and said, “Alright.”

Pei Shuo breathed a sigh of relief.

Lin Jianyuan asked again, “Then what do you think of my wife as a person?”

Pei Shuo: “???!!!”

Lin Jianyuan was just too curious.

He really, really wanted to learn more about his wife.

Pei Shuo was also on the verge of tears from being pressured.

He really, really had no idea what Bro Yuan’s imaginary wife was like!!!

But faced with Lin Jianyuan’s hopeful gaze, Pei Shuo ultimately couldn’t bear to disappoint him.

He smiled and said earnestly, “Bro Yuan, actually, I was really worried about you before.”

Lin Jianyuan looked at him suspiciously. “Huh? Why the sudden change of topic?”

“It’s not a change of topic. It’s just… Bro Yuan, you know, I’ve been following you since I came onboard. You’ve really helped me a lot, taking me from knowing nothing to where I am now… Okay, fine, I’m still pretty useless.”

Pei Shuo scratched his ear sheepishly, but his tone remained sincere.

“Not just at work, but in how to handle things and deal with people—you’ve taught me so much. Seriously, Bro Yuan, I’m really, really grateful to you.”

“So when I found out you were sick, I was really, really worried about you. But this whole thing… I just didn’t know how to help you.”

“But a while ago, I suddenly noticed that you seemed to be gradually becoming more cheerful.”

“Even though we’re still suffering at the company every day, working like beasts of burden, swearing constantly, that oppressive, negative feeling around you has clearly lessened a lot.”

“How should I put it?”

Pei Shuo thought for a moment and said with a smile, “It’s like there’s light in your eyes again. Thinking back now, has your mood improved because you met your wife?”

That was true.

And sincere.

There was no doubt that Lin Jianyuan’s condition was worsening.

Otherwise, why would a normal person fall in love with air?

But this “air” seemed to be treating Lin Jianyuan quite well.

At least to Lin Jianyuan, his air wife cooked for him, did his laundry, and cleaned the house.

(Though in reality, it was probably all done by Lin Jianyuan himself during his sleepwalking in the middle of the night. Pei Shuo guessed.)

(Which makes it even sadder when you think about it.)

(How could someone who’s ill still have to comfort themselves?)

…In any case, Lin Jianyuan’s improving mood was objectively true.

Thinking about this, Pei Shuo was genuinely concerned.

What if someday, Lin Jianyuan discovered that his wife didn’t actually exist? Would he be able to handle the blow?

But it was pointless to worry about that now.

After three months at work, the most important life lesson Pei Shuo had learned was:

Just make it through today.

As for the future, deal with it later.

After listening to Pei Shuo’s words, Lin Jianyuan became thoughtful.

One second later, the corners of his mouth turned up.

Two seconds later, he was grinning from ear to ear, completely unstoppable.

“Uh, Bro Yuan?” Pei Shuo, seeing him suddenly so happy, grew somewhat alarmed and asked cautiously, “Did I say something wrong?”

But Lin Jianyuan, beaming, said, “You know what? My doctor said something similar.”

Pei Shuo: “Huh?”

Lin Jianyuan: “My doctor from 700 North Jiangchuan Road. Truth be told, he’s met my wife as well. He also said this relationship has been good for me and that it’s helping with my condition. Hehehe, actually, I was quite surprised. I feel like I hadn’t even realized I might be gay, but my doctor could tell I wasn’t straight. He’s really professional.”

Pei Shuo: “Huh???”

Wait, what?

How could he tell that???

Could Bro Yuan’s doctor really determine the gender of a mass of air??? Is that even possible???

Pei Shuo was stunned for a moment, then he realized.

Oh, I get it, the doctor was probably just humoring Bro Yuan.

…Which makes it even more pathetic, damn it!

Is the whole world really conspiring to put on an act and deceive him?!

It’s like The Truman Show.

Pei Shuo couldn’t help but give him a pitying look.

Lin Jianyuan, immersed in happiness, didn’t notice the meaning behind his look at all. He even reached out and patted Pei Shuo’s shoulder, saying earnestly, “Xiao Shuo, you’re still single, right? Let me tell you, I used to think there was no need to find a partner. This shitty job is so frustrating, we barely have any money, surviving takes everything we’ve got—what business do we have seeking love? But once you really find someone, you understand. Having a partner gives life purpose. Seriously, I feel more motivated to work this damned job now…”

Pei Shuo: “Bro Yuan…”

He was almost in tears.

This Truman Show-esque conversation finally ended.

Pei Shuo, internally tormented, continued working overtime fighting back tears.

Lin Jianyuan, filled with visions of a happy future, continued working overtime with renewed passion.

Half an hour later.

This damned overtime was finally over~

Everyone happily left work and went home. Only Pei Shuo, full of anxiety, with no outlet.

Lin Jianyuan was, of course, the most cheerful of everyone.

Because he had a wife~

Sk—

No need to skip this time.

As long as his wife was by his side, even if he had to take the subway over 700 times a year, he never found it dull or boring.

The subway entered the station, left the station, the carriages rumbled and grated against the tracks.

Time, repeated countless times, felt more like time now than ever before.

Lin Jianyuan, tired from overtime, felt a bit drowsy and closed his eyes.

His head drooped, bobbing up and down against his chest.

After a while, a section of pink intestines stretched over, gently supporting him.

Since it was supporting him under the chin, Lin Jianyuan slept like a serene hanged ghost.

…

They were home.

“What is this?”

The light in the dim, narrow hallway came on, casting a yellowish glow over a large cardboard box that had appeared at the doorstep of Lin Jianyuan and his roommate’s apartment.

Curious, the roommate reached out with her intestines, poking and prodding the box here and there.

Lin Jianyuan’s eyes lit up. As he bent down to lift the box, he said, “Babe, come here! That thing I ordered has arrived!”

The box wasn’t too heavy. Happily, Lin Jianyuan carried it inside, grabbed a pair of scissors, and began unboxing.

The roommate watched curiously from the side.

With a rustling sound, the cardboard flaps were pulled open, revealing stiff white packing foam as the first layer.

Lin Jianyuan removed the top layer of foam, exposing a robotic vacuum cleaner inside.

Or, to be more precise, a vacuum-mop robot.

“Honey, from now on, you won’t have to sweep or mop the floor yourself,” Lin Jianyuan said with a smile as he carefully lifted the robot out of the box. “You just need to refill the water tank every day.”

“Oh.”

The corners of the roommate’s mouth curled up. Though it was just a simple “oh,” it carried a warm, satisfied tone.

Hearing it, Lin Jianyuan couldn’t help but smile too.

The robot was fully unpacked.

It was a flat, round, white machine, resembling a millstone.

The guy and his intestines crouched on the floor to examine it.

Click, click, click—Lin Jianyuan followed the instruction manual, attaching each accessory one by one.

The roommate crouched beside him, her appendix swaying side to side as she watched.

Although the digestive system has no eyes, Lin Jianyuan could sense her curious gaze.

This must be the first time the roommate had seen a robotic vacuum cleaner.

Actually, it was Lin Jianyuan’s first time too, but he was older than her.

So he had to act cool and composed.

“The installation is pretty straightforward,” Lin Jianyuan said nonchalantly, though he secretly glanced at the manual several times to make sure he hadn’t missed any steps or parts.

“Really?” Soft intestines reached over, touching and examining here and there.

The roommate showed a cat-like curiosity toward the robot.

“The water tank is… oh, here.” Following the manual, Lin Jianyuan opened the robot’s top cover.

Two plastic water tanks, left and right, were visible.

The material of the tanks was good—lightweight yet solid to the touch.

They were designed to snap securely into place with a click.

Lin Jianyuan went to the bathroom to fill one with water, lifted it, and tested its weight. He felt that the quality was really good; the lid was tight and wouldn’t spill water all over if carried around.

No wonder it was the most expensive and smartest model in its category.

Lin Jianyuan quickly skimmed the manual and continued demonstrating to his roommate: “The left one is the dirty water tank, the right is the clean water tank. Every day, you just need to top up the clean water tank and empty the dirty water tank, then snap both lids shut.”

“Got it,” the roommate replied attentively.

“Don’t worry, I’m just letting you know,” Lin Jianyuan said with a laugh, reaching out to playfully pinch her throat. “I’ll refill the water every morning before heading out. But if the floor gets too dirty, it might mop back and forth more often and run out of water faster. If that happens and you’re home, could you help refill it?”

Roommate: “How will I know when it’s run out of clean water?”

Lin Jianyuan: “It’ll yell for help.”

Roommate laughed: “How does it yell?”

“It’ll shout—” Lin Jianyuan suddenly pounced on the roommate, pinning her down and shouting, “Help! Help!”

Roommate: “Huh?”

Lin Jianyuan, feeling mischievous, tickled her right colon, which she was most sensitive about.

The roommate laughed so hard her intestines trembled, her warm, soft small intestines wrapping around Lin Jianyuan’s wrist like little snakes.

“Stop playing!” the roommate said, pushing his hands away to either side. “What does ‘help’ mean?”

The roommate seemed sweet and gentle, but unexpectedly, she was quite strong.

With that pull from the roommate, Lin Jianyuan’s arms were easily pulled apart.

Unfazed, Lin Jianyuan dropped into a push-up, leaned in, and kissed the roommate on the lips.

Lin Jianyuan said, “You don’t know? ‘Help’ is a really old classic joke. It’s like one person saying to another, ‘Even if you shout for help, no one will come to save you.’ Then the other person shouts: ‘Help! Help!’”

The roommate imitated him, calling out “Help! Help!” a few times, then laughed so hard her liver, gallbladder, spleen, and pancreas shook. “That pronunciation is so funny.”

“Why is everything so funny to you? You’re so easily amused,” Lin Jianyuan said, nuzzling against her throat with his nose.

A warm, soft esophagus pressed affectionately against him, and Lin Jianyuan could feel the roommate’s throat moving.

The roommate’s voice was filled with laughter, her duodenum hooking around his neck as she said softly, “Because it really is funny. Whenever I’m with you, I just want to laugh.”

“Me too,” Lin Jianyuan said, his smile never fading as he pretended to lecture her. “That’s what the honeymoon phase is like. You’re done for—you’re totally in love with me.”

Roommate: “Aren’t you in love with me too?”

“Love, love, love. I’m crazy about you,” Lin Jianyuan said teasingly, then broke into laughter again.

The man and his intestines wrestled on the floor, play-fighting.

After playing for a while, they remembered that the robot’s top cover was still open.

The guy and his intestines quickly jumped up and continued tinkering with the robot.

After a moment, the robot beeped and rolled out of its dock!

Roommate: “Wow!”

Lin Jianyuan: “Wow!”

The man and his intestines quickly stepped back.

Roommate asked: “Where is it going now?”

“Dunno,” Lin Jianyuan said. “It should probably scan the entire house first. It’ll generate a map on its own.”

Roommate: “Oh, oh.”

The robot started zooming around the house.

The guy and his guts scrambled after it.

The robot ran to the east, the guy and his guts followed to the east.

The robot ran to the west, the guy and his guts followed to the west.

The robot hit a corner, realized it was a corner, and turned around.

The guy and his guts curiously watched to see where it would go next.

But the robot suddenly stopped moving.

“Why’d it stop moving?” The roommate extended his guts and tapped the robot’s sensor.

Lin Jianyuan pored over the manual for a long time, then messed with the remote control app on his phone for a while, before it clicked.

“Are we blocking its path?”

The guy and his guts scrambled out of the way, one to the left, one to the right.

Buzz, buzz—the robot restarted.

Buzz, buzz—the robot zipped right between the guy and his guts.

The robot said nothing and everything at once.

Even through the panel, one could sense the robot’s silent judgment.

The guy and his guts glanced at each other and both cracked up again.

Lin Jianyuan had seen a robot vacuum before, and he didn’t think it was that technologically advanced.

But this was the first time he owned one himself.

Or rather,

this was the first time he had gotten a robovac for their place.

Home is such a weird concept.

A house isn’t home.

Family doesn’t make a home either.

Then what is home?

“Why does it go back to rest after cleaning just one room?”

The pink guts hovered mid-air, still chasing the robovac around the room.

“Oh, it’s going back to wash the mop.” The roommate squatted in front of the charging base, cocking his “head” to listen to the buzzing sound of the mop being washed inside.

Lin Jianyuan smiled and squatted beside his roommate.

Together, they watched the robot do their chores.

Seeing the robot work so hard, Lin Jianyuan kinda felt inspired to get to work himself.

They watched the robot vac and mop like this, and before they knew it, a half-hour had flown by.

When Lin Jianyuan stood up, he realized his legs were totally asleep from squatting. He couldn’t help but laugh and said, “Shit, we’re a couple of idiots.”

The roommate laughed along with him, saying, “Total idiots, hahaha!”

Night.

Lin Jianyuan fell asleep.

Fast asleep, Lin Jianyuan looked peaceful and relaxed.

Without the workday stress or the goofiness from horsing around with his roommate.

A human.

A sleeping human.

So this is how humans look when they sleep.

The guts watched him quietly.

Appendix pat-pat, pat-pat. Tapping rhythmically against the foot of the bed.

That was Her one little exposed tip.

The rest was tucked snugly in the blanket.

And curled under Lin Jianyuan’s arm.

Only the appendix, being a small tail, was left exposed. Pat-pat, pat-pat.

Lin Jianyuan breathed steady, eyes closed.

Their chest rises and falls in sleep. Their chest rises and falls when awake. Humans breathe.

In… out…

What does breathing feel like?

The guts had no idea.

The guts didn’t have lungs.

The guts wondered.

So the guts stretched up.

Mwah~

It brushed a kiss against the tip of the human’s nose.

In…

Out…

Her human’s breath brushed against Her mucosa.

Her esophagus slowly undulated, the warm and moist mucosa slightly cooled by the exhaled air.

Body heat escapes so easily.

So easily, She becomes unlike the human.

So She must snuggle close.

Snuggle close to the human more often.

The digestive system lowered Her “head” and pressed Her “head” against the human’s cheek.

She didn’t truly understand, but the human seemed to like it when She did this.

Snuggle.

Nuzzle.

Then the human would share their warmth.

How amusing.

How funny.

The digestive system wanted to laugh again. So the corners of Her mouth lifted.

Smile.

The night feels so long.

Humans need sleep, but the digestive system doesn’t.

The digestive system only gets drowsy when stuffed.

The digestive system used to be accustomed to feeding all night, eating this and that, here and there.

But at some point, She had stayed here.

Always eating this one.

So strange.

So funny.

Chu~

She couldn’t resist kissing the human again.

Her human.

So strange. Why do humans like to kiss each other?

After She kissed Lin Jianyuan, Xiaohongshu started recommending more and more videos of humans kissing.

So strange.

Doesn’t really understand.

But She seemed to start liking kissing the human too.

Chu~

Warm, soft pink internals, under the covers and snuggling with the human.

The stomach wants to snuggle, the intestines want to snuggle. The liver, gallbladder, spleen, and pancreas all want to snuggle.

Come to think of it, humans seem to have these too.

The digestive system vaguely had this awareness.

—Humans, it seems, also have these same parts.

“The digestive system.”

So She tried to locate them, tried to press Her own stomach against the area below the human’s sternum, where the stomach should be.

Gurgle.

It heard the sound of gastric juices bubbling.

Position correct.

Then the liver.

Tap tap. Here are the ribs.

Tap tap. Here, there are no ribs. This is below the ribs.

Beneath the skin here lies the liver.

Then the intestines.

Duodenum, jejunum, ileum.

Cecum, appendix, colorectal.

Gurgle.

So human intestines gurgle too.

The digestive system adjusted Her position bit by bit, bit by bit.

Through the skin and abdominal muscles, snuggling against the human’s internal organs.

But—it wasn’t enough.

Not enough.

Still missing so much.

Still missing so, so much.

The digestive system remembered She already had hands, so She took out Her hand.

She gently unfolded the human’s slightly curled fingers, and placed Her own hand inside.

Snuggle.

Now I remember.

Humans also have feet.

Just like the white moonlight in Lin Jianyuan’s dream—an unattainable ideal.

Hands have ten fingers, feet have ten toes—how ridiculous.

Usually, fingers are exposed, but toes have to wear socks and be tucked inside shoes—so silly.

For the digestive system, feet are useless, but He still grew feet.

Oh, and legs too.

Otherwise, the feet wouldn’t know where to go.

Legs and feet are connected by ankles that can wear flip-flops.

So now He has both hands and feet.

But He’s still missing so much. So many parts.

So annoying.

Like how humans add each other on WeChat and then have to open their Moments.

Like how humans not only go out to work but also have to sleep.

“So annoying.”

The digestive system pouted discontentedly.

Humans have so many parts; He doesn’t even have the patience to flip through anatomy diagrams anymore.

There’s a faster way.

Hehe.

The faster way is—

Mwah~

The digestive system kissed His human. He was going to copy notes from the human’s dream.

Mwah~

Still can’t remember, copying again.

Mwah~~~

So hard to remember. Copying once more.

After who-knows-how-many kisses later—

Gurgle…

“Huh?”

The digestive system was a bit surprised.

His intestines were gurgling, but not because He was hungry—it was because He tasted the food.

Food?

How could there still be food He could eat inside His human’s head?

Aha!

As soon as the human went to work, he started secretly becoming tasty again behind His back!

The digestive system puffed up angrily, His gallbladder and pancreas also puffing up, ready to secrete digestive juice.

The digestive system ferociously went to eat the human’s mouth.

As He ate, the digestive system stopped short.

Angel Eyeball: “…”

Maw of the Abyss: “…”

Angel Eyeball said in disbelief, “What is Evil Domain doing…”

Maw of the Abyss: “Why does his way of eating seem a bit strange?”

Squeeze Toy growled, “Quiet! He’s savoring carefully!”

Angel Eyeball & Maw of the Abyss: “???”

Little Stone shook its head: “Sigh.”

Sure enough, the digestive system smacked His lips.

Tilted His “head,” then smacked His lips again.

After a long while, Evil Domain turned around in confusion and asked the heretics:

“What is installment payment? And what’s interest-free for 3 installments?”

Squeeze Toy & Little Stone & Maw of the Abyss & Angel Eyeball: “???”

How the hell would we know? We’re not human!

Go ask humans about human things!!!